NOO!!! Wth just happened
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 30
NOO!!! Wth just happened
I've been down for the last few days thinking of the EXABF even more than usual and today happened. First, My story some of you prob know by now, but if not.. Broke up with him 5 months ago when I learned about his addiction. He got arrested and that's how I found out.. So whole time I was with him he said many lies and that's ultimate reason why I left him. Very hard to but I did.
So I've had many ups and downs over months..contact here there in beginning with him but that stopped. then last month he sent that email to me which pushed me to post on SR. The famous words "I'm angry that you left me if you loved me like you said you wouldn't have left."
Manipulative words right? Ok so I did not respond to him.. Thought ok def no contact now. Time to really move on.
But today happened!
He works where I work I ran into him and this is what I learned:
He's says he is fine
He went to nar anon meetings but not as many now.
Has a few sessions left of his 6 month outpatient rehab program
Goes to therapy once a week now
Started grad school again
Stopped talking to his one friend that does drugs
Has drinks here and there still
I was like wow he is doing so well and we laughed, felt so "right", but at same time realized he still has a lot of work to do. IMO thinks he shouldn't be drinking at all and should keep going to nar anon meetings.
weird I was glad to see him but at same time felt that now I can recognize that still a lot has to be done.
But im Concerned I will be suckered in now
. He kissed me on cheek as I left.
He said he's the exception, doesn't want to get like that ever again.
I feel like everything Just went back to square one again... Ugh.
So I've had many ups and downs over months..contact here there in beginning with him but that stopped. then last month he sent that email to me which pushed me to post on SR. The famous words "I'm angry that you left me if you loved me like you said you wouldn't have left."
Manipulative words right? Ok so I did not respond to him.. Thought ok def no contact now. Time to really move on.
But today happened!
He works where I work I ran into him and this is what I learned:
He's says he is fine
He went to nar anon meetings but not as many now.
Has a few sessions left of his 6 month outpatient rehab program
Goes to therapy once a week now
Started grad school again
Stopped talking to his one friend that does drugs
Has drinks here and there still
I was like wow he is doing so well and we laughed, felt so "right", but at same time realized he still has a lot of work to do. IMO thinks he shouldn't be drinking at all and should keep going to nar anon meetings.
weird I was glad to see him but at same time felt that now I can recognize that still a lot has to be done.
But im Concerned I will be suckered in now
. He kissed me on cheek as I left. He said he's the exception, doesn't want to get like that ever again.
I feel like everything Just went back to square one again... Ugh.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
oh girl!!!! I feel ya!! mine is in rehab now and I get all suckered into that "everything is gonna change now. this is it!!!" thinking all the time! ugh.... wish I had advice, but all I can say is you are not alone. hugs.
One day at a time
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Finally in reality
Posts: 67
He said he was the exception.
I broke up with my xbf when I actually thought he was in recovery! He wasn't, he had been using and lying. This is your future of you go back so soon.
Iim holding strong by these criteria:
12 steps completed
Sponsor and friend group that are ALL clean
Graduated college
Not thinking he's the exception
That's my actual list, until then no deal.
Please take care of you!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 81
I agree, that line "I'm the exception" - don't fall for it.
He's either conning you, or conning himself - the folks I know who've found genuine recovery know themselves, and that they're not special over other addicts
He's either conning you, or conning himself - the folks I know who've found genuine recovery know themselves, and that they're not special over other addicts
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by h00ped 
I agree, that line "I'm the exception" - don't fall for it.
He's either conning you, or conning himself - the folks I know who've found genuine recovery know themselves, and that they're not special over other addicts
He's either conning you, or conning himself - the folks I know who've found genuine recovery know themselves, and that they're not special over other addicts
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Has drinks here and there still
I believe in "show me, don't tell me". Words mean nothing from an addict active in addiction. If he is still drinking, he had not stopped all drugs....alcohol is a drug, period.
The choice is yours but you are young with a chance at a beautiful future ahead of you. The alternative is believing he is different from every other addict ever....really? Terminally unique is what they call this.
Good luck with whatever you choose.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
And if he was still drinking and drugging and back to all his old behaviors, do you think he would actually be honest about that? What I hear him saying is this: "If my overtures actually work and I am able to suck you back in with these half-truths then at least I can go about my half-assed "recovery" work and get away with it. I can still drink and have nights out by saying that I'm at a meeting. My self-deception will remain intact and it will take you at least a month or two to figure out the truth.....and hey, this drama-cycle is kinda fun. I'm learning new tools of manipulation and I can keep this going for a long time! That way I don't have to focus on my character flaws or address the addiction issues!"
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 267
This is what he was HONEST about: He's not going regularly to meetings. He's still drinking.
Since we know that addicts lie...that's obviously just the TIP of the iceberg.
He is not doing well.
Stay strong.
Since we know that addicts lie...that's obviously just the TIP of the iceberg.
He is not doing well.
Stay strong.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 30
Thank you all! You all are right...and I have learned so much about addiction on my own after, by SR and nar anon meeting and reading..that today I can say ..yes he has A LOT of work to do and I am able to see the signs now that I didn't when in the relationship.
so, I am doing ok this morning.
glad that he is at least thinking about a better future and taking steps to better himself. But I am absolutely not changing a thing. Will continue to work on myself and need to remain strong. One day at a time.
so, I am doing ok this morning.
glad that he is at least thinking about a better future and taking steps to better himself. But I am absolutely not changing a thing. Will continue to work on myself and need to remain strong. One day at a time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 30
I keep analyzing my convo with him..hmm. A couple things he said, as far as meetings he said it was eye opening for him. He didnt get a bad as others. He was talking about a guy who at 7 DUIS. My ex had one at 19, he's now in his upper twenties. But it's like you did things too that most ppl dont!
And said he would do whatever he needed to so he wouldn't have to go to jail ( after arrest) assuming rehab and meetings is what he is talking about.
I think it hurts still bc I do care , but to hear him say these things and say that his family knew about his addiction and he still didnt stop makes me realize that Wow love really cant stop this awful disease. I'm worried that he thinks he's not that bad and he can get through it without putting the effort.
I don't see how after 7 years of off and on abuse that after 5 months of being in "recovery" you think that you don't need to go to as many meetings.
I can't stop worrying.
And said he would do whatever he needed to so he wouldn't have to go to jail ( after arrest) assuming rehab and meetings is what he is talking about.
I think it hurts still bc I do care , but to hear him say these things and say that his family knew about his addiction and he still didnt stop makes me realize that Wow love really cant stop this awful disease. I'm worried that he thinks he's not that bad and he can get through it without putting the effort.
I don't see how after 7 years of off and on abuse that after 5 months of being in "recovery" you think that you don't need to go to as many meetings.
I can't stop worrying.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Hi Reed,
Im sorry you are in a place of such confusion regarding your ex. Personally, I don’t think you are going to be able to judge accurately the status of his recovery based on this one interaction; recovery is just too complicated & there are a lot of deep thoughts and feelings that would really have to be expressed. And of course … just watching his actions and behavior… over a period of time.
Forgive me if Im wrong, but it sounds like he got into legal trouble and had to attend an outpatient and NA meetings in order to avoid more severe consequences. It sounds like he is putting forth effort to meet his obligations and that is positive. But beyond that, if he chooses to reduce or end his participation in NA, it really does not mean that he is no longer in recovery. If he successfully completed outpatient, then maybe it gave him the tools he needs to examine his life and make the necessary changes. Recovery isn’t about going to meetings, it is about making positive changes and leading a healthy, responsible life. I guess what Im saying is… he owns his recovery, and he gets to choose how he proceeds. There is no one way to find recovery. This thread was started on the Newcomers Forum & might be helpful to you: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ithout-aa.html
Of course, you do have the right based on your beliefs to make a boundary that says you will not get involved with someone in recovery unless they attend NA and work the steps. But that would only be all about what you think is an acceptable program of recovery.
My advice… just give it time & watch his behavior. Most likely he will find recovery, but there is no way to tell if it will be now, or at some point in the distant future. It will happen only when he is ready.
Im sorry you are in a place of such confusion regarding your ex. Personally, I don’t think you are going to be able to judge accurately the status of his recovery based on this one interaction; recovery is just too complicated & there are a lot of deep thoughts and feelings that would really have to be expressed. And of course … just watching his actions and behavior… over a period of time.
Forgive me if Im wrong, but it sounds like he got into legal trouble and had to attend an outpatient and NA meetings in order to avoid more severe consequences. It sounds like he is putting forth effort to meet his obligations and that is positive. But beyond that, if he chooses to reduce or end his participation in NA, it really does not mean that he is no longer in recovery. If he successfully completed outpatient, then maybe it gave him the tools he needs to examine his life and make the necessary changes. Recovery isn’t about going to meetings, it is about making positive changes and leading a healthy, responsible life. I guess what Im saying is… he owns his recovery, and he gets to choose how he proceeds. There is no one way to find recovery. This thread was started on the Newcomers Forum & might be helpful to you: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ithout-aa.html
Of course, you do have the right based on your beliefs to make a boundary that says you will not get involved with someone in recovery unless they attend NA and work the steps. But that would only be all about what you think is an acceptable program of recovery.
My advice… just give it time & watch his behavior. Most likely he will find recovery, but there is no way to tell if it will be now, or at some point in the distant future. It will happen only when he is ready.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
my ex (a crack addict) has been in and out of grad school five times since I met him three years ago.
his "intelligence" is one of the way he "presents"
being able to keep getting a grasp on that thread of education (which keeps snapping over and over) is one of the ways he tells himself he is okay, and one of the ways he keeps lying to himself and his family and friends...
that is my experience
my ex also tells me "he is the exception"...in his case he was referring to having sex on crack...
flag. red. flag.
follow your gut.
regardless of whether he stays true to being clean or not...do you really want to be with him? what a haunt.
his "intelligence" is one of the way he "presents"
being able to keep getting a grasp on that thread of education (which keeps snapping over and over) is one of the ways he tells himself he is okay, and one of the ways he keeps lying to himself and his family and friends...
that is my experience
my ex also tells me "he is the exception"...in his case he was referring to having sex on crack...
flag. red. flag.
follow your gut.
regardless of whether he stays true to being clean or not...do you really want to be with him? what a haunt.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 50
What I hear in his description of his "recovery" is this:
I am comparing myself to other addicts, and since I didn't have as many legal consequences as they did, I must not be as bad as they are
- I did this when I first tried out recovery. This is called "terminal uniqueness" and plain DENIAL. If you are having legal consequences and still think you can use safely, you have a problem. I had had a DUI and been to rehab when I decided I was "different" because I hadn't gotten as bad as others. It took almost 4 years, 4 more arrests, probation, outpatient, and a lot of pain and misery (and money) before I got sober - and I still have a lot of "yets" (i.e. "that hasn't happened to me.... [yet]" )
Also, it sounds like his motivation to do the outpatient and meetings was legally ordered and he was going to avoid jail, not because he wants to get clean.
Maybe this will plant the seed of recovery, but if he still thinks he is the exception and he can drink, he is NOT DONE. He will get worse again before he might get better.
You don't do the work in the program because you feel like it. I have yet to meet a single addict or alcoholic who wanted to do the steps because it would be fun and helpful. Admit you are powerless and life is unmanageable? Develop a relationship with a higher power? Make a searching and fearless moral inventory, and share it with another person? Make amends to all the people you hurt? No one does that just because. You do the work when you are desperate to save your life.
Protect yourself and STAY AWAY. You do not need to waste time trying to dissect his motivations from his words. His words are meaningless right now. Let him take his path, and you take yours. If he gets better and does the work, down the road maybe it will work out, but trust me when I say you do not want to be with him while he reaches bottom and becomes willing to really put the effort to get sober.
I am comparing myself to other addicts, and since I didn't have as many legal consequences as they did, I must not be as bad as they are
- I did this when I first tried out recovery. This is called "terminal uniqueness" and plain DENIAL. If you are having legal consequences and still think you can use safely, you have a problem. I had had a DUI and been to rehab when I decided I was "different" because I hadn't gotten as bad as others. It took almost 4 years, 4 more arrests, probation, outpatient, and a lot of pain and misery (and money) before I got sober - and I still have a lot of "yets" (i.e. "that hasn't happened to me.... [yet]" )
Also, it sounds like his motivation to do the outpatient and meetings was legally ordered and he was going to avoid jail, not because he wants to get clean.
Maybe this will plant the seed of recovery, but if he still thinks he is the exception and he can drink, he is NOT DONE. He will get worse again before he might get better.
You don't do the work in the program because you feel like it. I have yet to meet a single addict or alcoholic who wanted to do the steps because it would be fun and helpful. Admit you are powerless and life is unmanageable? Develop a relationship with a higher power? Make a searching and fearless moral inventory, and share it with another person? Make amends to all the people you hurt? No one does that just because. You do the work when you are desperate to save your life.
Protect yourself and STAY AWAY. You do not need to waste time trying to dissect his motivations from his words. His words are meaningless right now. Let him take his path, and you take yours. If he gets better and does the work, down the road maybe it will work out, but trust me when I say you do not want to be with him while he reaches bottom and becomes willing to really put the effort to get sober.
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