Avalon393

I am finally having good thoughts cycle regarding my exit of this household at least. I am not positive but the idea seems very real every night that I come home from work to find a dark house littered with trash and my biyfriend snd roomatebsitting on the couch like zombies smoking weed and drinking out a blender (because they are too high to wash the dishes and I have stopped contributing to their awful couch potato lifestyle). they have even cut open a gatorade bottle to use as a bowl. gross. i explained to him that I am having a hard time adjusting and he wasnt willing to work with me. it's sad because I know if I do leave he will make me seem crazy to his friends and family "oh it's just pot, I just had one beer and she tripped out". The reality is that he's a heroin addict and this IS considered a relapse, and I have not in this environment since I was with him 4 years ago. I feel like the only person who's alive when I get home. He is not the funny wide awake man I fell in love with all over again, and the roommate is just riding his coat-tail adding to the dysfunction. I am trying to think of a good exit plan. Any suggestions would be great.

jerect

Don't worry about what others will think... Their opinions do not matter.. What matters is your safety, emotional sanity and well being...

I lived in what you described for the entire 5 years of my marriage minus the roommate and I can tell you things just got progressively worse...

Is your name on the lease? Is your finances separate from his?? Do you have someplace to go temporarily to get yourself away from this insane situation??

Also get to some alanon meetings.. Face to face meetings will offer you a load of support and you need that right now...

dollydo

IMO, this is no way to live. You are young and have your entire life ahead of you, there is no better time to make a positive change in your life than now.

Get your finances in order, don't comingle any funds, open your own accounts, do not give him any information regarding them. Don't give him any money for anything. Start looking for a new place to live, get busy with the business of living your life...for you.

constantlylearn

If you have no ties to him financially lease etc. Just leave even if you can't take everything just leave. The stuff isn't worth it.

If you have stuff to separate what dollydo said is perfect.

I know it's hard, I did it too. Good luck and remember that "little thing" you have to have isn't worth going back to get...believe me.

ggd

Wow... this is the perfect place for me today. I just joined this site, because there are no alanon meetings for me today where I live.
My husband was in recovery for eight years and then relapsed on painkillers due to a back injury. He was hospitalized and had several seizures trying to get off the medication. Once in front of our 9 year old son. He then relapsed back to street drugs, and I moved out because of the chaos, and finances were tapped out. He then moved out of state, and I believed he was doing better so we followed. Now he is smoking pot and drinking. He told our son that the pot is his medicine for his back to justify it to him. He doesn't drink every day but he is a totally different person to me. I feel like I don't know him. I only knew the sober guy, and now he says mean things and I am scared. I don't want my son to grow up like this and I'm afraid to move back home and hurt my son even more.

outtolunch

What others think and/or say does not define you unless you allow it to do so. In terms of a exit plan...it's all about you.

Start with where you are going to live and take it from there.

hello-kitty

Exit plan? Put some money in the bank. Start looking for a new living situation. Move. Do what's best for your future.

I understand feeling obligated to stay. But you are not obligated to let zombies suck your life and happiness away. Even if you knew them before they were zombies. Time to examine your life, examine what you WANT your future to look like and then get on the right path to making it happen.

A person I respect VERY much once said to me: Want to know what your life is going to be like ten years from now? Look at where your friends are now.

That simple realization made a HUGE difference in my life and inspired me to make big changes. And you know what? I'm SO GLAD I did. Even though I didn't know it at the time, my choices in who I was choosing to allow in my life were affecting the direction my life was headed, and the pace that I was getting there. Once I got rid of the baggage, I was able to start making my dreams come true.

Maylie

That def. does not sound like a way to live. He can kid himself all he wants, he is not in recovery.

For an exit plan, if my finaces were different I would just walk out and not come back. Do you have family to stay with while you look for a different place? Just make sure he can't suck up all your finaces and leave you stuck in the situation.

As for what others think, let him say what he wants. From what it sounds like, the people he would tell wouldn't be people you would stay in contact with anyway. It is better to have people think you are crazy for leaving then to stay and be miserable. Chances are, they could think you are crazy for staying anyway. People will always talk, but we only get one chance to live the life we want.

Avalon393

I can stay at my mothers and have already spoke to her about the possibilty. I guess my main question was, can I do it in a way that will make him second guess his own decision. But I know this is just the same behavior and thought wasting that gets me nowhere. Thank you for all of your input.

BeavsDad

Do it for yourself or you might as well just stay.

There doesn't have to be any drama.

A simple "I refuse to live like this." will do.

Maylie

Unfortunately Avalon, there isn't anything that you can do to make him second guess things. It just simply doesn't work that way with an addict. If it did, it would be alot easier though.

Make yourself the first priority. He only worries about himself, and it is time you just worry about yourself. Personally, I found that when I stop worrying about my RA and trying to make him see things my way, I realized there was alot I needed to do for myself. Sometimes we get so wrapped up with them that we ignore all the things that we need to work on.

hello-kitty

If there was anyway that you could successful manipulating his choices to please you, he would be clean and sober already. You can't fix him or fix his decisions. You can fix yours though.... with some commitment and attention.

Try the codependent version of the serenity prayer:

Lord grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change.
The courage to change the person I can.
And the wisdom to know it's me.

LoveMeNow

Thank you HK - I have not ever read that yet! Love it!!

AngelBabe

Honey, He does not have the capacity or the intelligence at this point to second guess any decision that does not involve him making sure he has fun. If you can swing it put them both out then you can get a newroomate. If not you could end up stuck holding the bag of bills and damages that will most certainly happen when they really go hog wild when you leave. If you have no ties by lease or bill that you can't shut off then run'.