angel1018

I just got off the phone with my bf (painkiller addiction) who is in outpatient rehab and might I add is doing really well. I went to a family/friend night with him Tuesday so I met some of the people in his program. There was one kid -- ill call him "G" (heroin addict) that I felt was into the recovery process but something was rubbing me the wrong way. His gf and sister were there with him as well. Long story short, my bf has to attend a certain amount of meetings for this program he is in. He was talking to "G" today and they realized they live in the same town. Same high school,etc. my bf mentioned that they decided they will go to meetings together. For some reason that isn't sitting well with me. Can I tell my bf that I am not comfortable with him going to meetings with "G"? I'm not sure that's fair and trust has to start somewhere but I feel it's too soon considering bf only started 2 weeks ago. Any advice??

Sungrl

The one thing I have learned in dealing with my ABF is to always trust your gut feeling. He has burned me so many times, and deep down inside I just knew I was being played. For some stupid reason I stuck around. My opinion is, even if you express your concerns about G, he won't listen anyway.He will do what he wants. If you don't like it he will most likely lie to you about it. His recovery is his and if he is serious about it even G won't convince him otherwise. I am a firm believer in the fact if you lie down with dogs you get fleas. That was my BF's problem he couldn't remove himself from the places and people that tempted him to continue to use and drink. He was sneaky and shady about everything he did. Tried to convince me that I was nuts and he was a good little boy. That is why I walked away. I hope your situation has better results. Sadly I have given up hope.

LoveMeNow

Why are you so enmeshed in his recovery? He is going to do whatever it is he wants. You are powerless. You can not "control" him or the out come. It took me a long time to accept that.

Give yourself and your needs the same attention you are giving his. If you ever really want to be happy and healthy, start focusing on YOU!

angel1018

You're right. This is his recovery process so if he's serious then no one can convince him to get involved again. He's got to know what's best for him. I just have to trust. He is very open with me about this program and he vents to me good and bad. I don't want him to hold back from talking to me about his day and if I have an issue with certain things that I really have no right having an issue with he will hesitate in telling me. I have to start somewhere and trust my bf and give him the benefit if the doubt. Thx.

angel1018

LoveMeKnow:

Yes I am reading into this and part of this process is taking care of ME. I know that whatever decisions he wants to make he's going to make regardless. It's just scary bc I'm only doing this once with him. If this fails, I walk away. Maybe I'm trying to avoid that but whatever is meant to be will happen.

I didn't consider myself as enmeshed in his recovery. He talks to me everyday about his day in the program and I guess I feel a part of it. I do have to step back and just listen and let him do this and make his own decisions. It's his life --

LoveMeNow

I was very enmeshed and couldn't see it. More seasoned posters kept pointing it out and I could not see what they saw.

I too thought that part of the process was working on me. Now I realize, its not part of it.....it is it!! I am worth the whole thing, not just part of it.

Lily1918

is it possible that maybe you are a bit jealous that he has found this friend in recovery to lean on and go to meetings instead of you? I am only stating this possibility because I feel that way. I was neglected for so long!!!!! and in recovery it still continues. These others in recovery can truly help them help themselves in ways we cannot and that is a tough pill to swallow. maybe this guy is a "bad influence" I am not denying that, but maybe, just maybe he is exactly what your guy needs.... hugs. I know how you feel.

angel1018

Lily1918:

No I don't feel any jealousy at all. I just get nervous with bad influences and I don't want them to bring each other down. I need to think positive tho or else ill drive myself nuts. Maybe it is a good thing that he "tests" himself around others. Thats all apart of it. He's young and he's got a long road ahead so he has to start somewhere.

When I quit smoking I put myself around smokers immediately -- I felt like I wanted to be around it so I can become stronger. It worked. 4 years without a cigarette.

Lily1918

Ok. I guess Im just wondering what evidence you have that shows that G is not actively seeking recovery, or why he is a bad influence. I mean, you met him in the program, not at the dopehouse... and they don't have using history together...

angel1018

Lily1918:

You are correct. To assume is wrong. I should have faith. I just went with a gut feeling that he may be bad influence. They've never met outside of the program. In talking to each other today they realized that they're from the same town and my bf's cousin and G's sister know each other. That's as far as it goes of knowing each other.

Lily1918

faith is really hard to have. I don't have any when it comes to addicts. I am where you are. we have a family creed that was started by my daughter when she was 5 "faith is stronger than fear" when I fall into fear, I listen to "when you believe" by Whitney Houston. the words always help me. I live in fear of relapse every day. it sucks.

bluebelle

As others have mentioned, this is a good time to let go. I understand that certain choices he makes will make you anxious. However, those choices are his to make and are part of the process.

tallgirl77

Set your boundaries on what you will and will not accept/put up with and let him handle his recovery.

Once the boundaries are broken then it's up to you to stand your ground with him.

As others have said, you need to work on you and let him work on him. If he is serious about his recovery/sobriety then it will show in his actions!

No matter what the outcome, you need to put 100% focus on you. As much as you don't want it to happen, if he breaks the boundaries you have set you need to get out of the situtation and not let manipulation take over and change your mind.

Good luck! ((((hugs))))

hello-kitty

Your gut is usually right but you know what?

It doesn't matter.

You didn't cause his addiction. You can't cure his addiction. You can't control his addiction.

He is an adult living his life the way he sees fit. Time for you to do the same.

How's your recovery coming along?

Maylie

Maybe G seems a little shady because he is new in the program like your BF and is still getting used to life sober. I know when I first got sober I prob. looked a little shady to others because I was just starting to get comfortable in my own skin again. A meeting with a bunch of people's family members would have taken me off gaurd since I hadn't been in a situation like that sober for a long time.

I would like to point something out that I explained to my mom one day. She was saying how RA need to stay away from other RA because we could bring eachother down if one of us has a bad day (kind of like how you don't want your BF with G because he could bring him down). Then I reminded her that she agreed with meetings and that meetings were all RA. Meetings bring out the best in RAs, just as having people to talk to that can relate to does.

I'm not saying G is a great guy, I'm just trying to show a different side. I'm a RA and a loved one of a RA.