Struggling tonight
 

Tonight is hard and I'm struggling a bit. I am having a problem with remembering the past "good" remembering most everything about him. It is physically difficult to not talk to him or go see him. He contacted me today from a number I didn't know begging to see me. I found it painful to not reply, I had to take two cold showers it was awful. His words are like snakes dipped in gold. I know they're pretty but they're toxic.

He text me again from a number and basically asked for sex. Saying he would basically pay me, which I think might be a joke but it was a blow to the gut. That helped me snap put of it a little. Why the hell not all the way?

I read some codependent no more and did some work.

My actual heart hurts, its painful all through my body like a can feel a withdraw. I just wish I didn't feel it. I'm learning to let go, it's starting. Maybe soon it'll happen for me.

Part of me wishes for him to clean up and find me, another part wants to hide in a cave. :/ what a mess. He had his friend tell me that he made a plan and that he was planning on going to meetings. I was upset when his friend told me that because it made my self hopeful. It triggered this whole thing. I didn't reply.

I got another text that said he wanted to go to al anon with me...I didn't reply.

How long will this feeling last? I will change my number if it keeps up but for now I am keeping it because I am looking for a different job and I'd prefer not to contact them all with a good number. That's beside the point.


I'm obviously rambling, I just wanted to reach out because I'm having a really rough time is all. :/

:ghug3

sorry for your pain....crazy how the heart can actually hurt, right? Withdrawal pains from your X, the analogies between the AA & Alanon programs are many.

stay strong, God bless....

I know it is hard constantlylearn, MY ex fiancé was like that, I had to change my number because of him. He was a bad alcoholic. hopefully he can go to meetings and come back to you. But you do have to remember he will change if he quit, you may think you know him but truly you don't. my BF right now is going to AA meetings making his life better his decision. I have fallen in love him all over again. So keep positive. He may need something drastic in his life to realize to change. I wish I could be more help. I'm sorry

You are doing the right things right now. You are reaching out for support from recovering people, you are reading about codependency, you are self-reflecting, you are making a choice to get healthier. All of that will put you on a safer path but it will not erase the grief. The heartache you feel is tremendous grief and shock. It is also the effect of being emotionally abused.

Men in active addiction abuse the women who love them. Your addict abuses you with every text, every phone call, because he is using you. He is using you as an object, a distraction, and an ego-booster. His phone calls and texts are SELFISH. He is completely self-absorbed and self-seeking in his addiction and he does not really care if you are all right, or if you are in pain, or if you are safe in this world.

After the period of grieving, I hope you will be restored enough to yourself to see his manipulations as the worst form of addict behavior: exploitation of a vulnerable human being.

I don't know what his DOC is, but if it is crack or heroin or oxy or whatever: the next time he contacts you, tell yourself "Crack is knocking at my door again." Insert the appropriate DOC. Ask yourself why the drug is seeking YOU. Is it because you made it more comfortable? Is it because you made your abf think he was a normal guy if he was in a relationship with a nice woman? Is it because you were helpful when he was out of control or coming off a high? Why is his DOC calling you?

When we realize it's the drug calling, it's easier, I think, not to hurt so much. And to toughen up. We have always idealized the addict in our minds, we romanticized him and created in our minds a picture of him as hurting, vulnerable, sensitive, lost. We think we have lost someone amazing, someone we connected with heart and soul. That is how seductive drug addicts are. They actually create the illusion of being deep and soulful and loving human beings.

But they are just using people. Scanning the environment for props to keep their habit going or for someone who will be yet another source of escapist pleasure.

Do not let him decide for you whether you are worthy of being treated as a valuable and precious human being. He is just playing you. The way he plays everybody who crosses his path.

When you get that, your pain is going to ease.

Wow, EnglishGarden! What a great and accurate post!! Painful to read, painful to accept but even more painful to live with it! Thank you!!

oh EnglishGarden :,( this made me cry buckets. why??? because its true.

I relate completely to your struggle. We are only human and sometimes our instincts override our awareness. That is what has kept me going back even when my gut was trying to tell me to stay away.

What keeps me from going back now is my recovery and nothing else. I know the facts. I know that he is not in recovery. I know that his words do not match his actions. I know that I keep getting hurt every time I come back to him.

Instead of clinging to hope that he will change, I am making changes. I do still have attachments to him and longing for him. But I think time will tell the truth. If I can give myself the time and space to heal without clouding the reality with more attachments then MAYBE I can not only see the light but actually move on.

I will take that MAYBE over more emotional abuse. Patience. Sometimes we are too forgiving and forgetting. I really have had to allow myself to be angry and to see what lies underneath all of that versus denying it. I am addicted to an unhealthy abusive man and it is going to take a lot of work to break the cycle.

I think letting go of the hopeful fantasy of what maybe was or what could be is always a process. Facing reality and comforting our denial can be very painful but necessary to heal and change.

Thank you so much to everyone.

It's a little better today, I love the "crack is knocking" imagery, I will use that!

I'm learning to let go and man it is hard but I choose not to allow myself to get into that unhealthy situation again.

I think a lot of us have been where you currently are. I certainly have. When we detach from people that we care about, it's an incredibly difficult thing to do because our hearts do hurt when we do it. So, I get it. I really do.

But there's a flip side to this.

If we allow sick people to stay in our lives, we give them tacit permission to do whatever it is they do, regardless of how it impacts us. So you have to weigh that against the pain and discomfort of not having them in our lives. And for me, I'd rather suffer the pain of not having that person around then have them around and causing trouble. Seperating at least gives us a chance to heal. Staying attached means we won't heal.

Best,
ZoSo

This. Exactly, the pain I feel now is temporary but the pain I will feel being with him will last until HE chooses something different. That's not fair to me.

Without detachment we never get to feel our true feelings because we are too wrapped up in their feelings and their lives. The drama keeps us from facing our own reality. For me, his story is getting old but I still have attachment. This I feel is the normal part of any break up. The part where it just hurts. I do believe there is no way to avoid the pain of separation. The only way out is through and with recovery, we can acquire healthier coping skills. I am trying to rewire my brain to want "something healthier." He will only get in the way as he is not "something healthier" right now. In the meantime, I know I sacrificed the most precious things in my life to maintain my addiction to him and I refuse to give that power back to him- my identity, my safety, my soul, my sanity, and my life. I refuse to be a pawn in his addiction anymore just for a some temporary love and satisfaction. I know deep down I am worth more. So that is where I am searching- deep. Sorry for your pain. No need to turn it into continual suffering unless that is needed to learn.