Relapse advice - strength and help :(

Old 01-30-2013, 10:29 AM
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KLM
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Relapse advice - strength and help :(

I have posted once on this board but this time its from a different perspective.
I need some insight please. I have read alot on the boards and have found them very helpful.

Heres my story.

Four years ago I reconnected with my first love from when I was 13 years old.(we are in our 40's now.) I knew he had drug problems (crack) but didnt fully understand addiction etc. We moved in together and I have a daughter from a previous relationship. He went to NA meetings and everything seemed great. He still drank and had one major slip with crack over that time.
We were the "it" couple. The fairytale. Everyone could see how much we loved each other. We were the love of each others lives. My daughter adores him.

FFWD 4 years and our lives are SO intertwined. We have a business together, toys, holiday trailer, etc etc etc.

He asked me to marry him in Oct - 3 months ago. We were panning our wedding.

On Jan 9th he got drunk, and left our home and wasnt seen for 3 days. He came home, high on crack and told me he loved me but couldnt spend the rest of our lives together. He was crying, and tweaking... not really making sense. He said that something changed for him awhile ago and he needed to be by himself so he could work on himself. I told him I felt blindsided. I couldnt believe this. He said that he was making the biggest decision of his life and probably the biggest mistake as well.
So for the next 3 days he had no money as he had spent it all "going out" He was very depressed as he was coming of the crack, no sleep etc.
He wouldnt talk about how we were going to work out finances and make a clean break. I was "rushing him". I told him if he wanted to leave then leave. And that I loved him enough to let him go.
he then got some money and went out again. 3 more days. He then came home and went on a boys weekend. While he was out on this weekend he was sending loving texts. THen he never came home for another three days.

Yesterday he came home high again and saying he should have left when he decided originally because he cant let his heart rule his head. He said very mean things and I told him to pack and leave. He told me to GFY. He went to bed and slept for about 15 hours. He got up this morning to go to work (out of town) and I thought this was it. He said he would be home Sunday and he is going on another boys weekend when he got home this coming Sunday.
I asked him if he wanted me to pack his stuff for the move or he would do it later? He wont answer.

I dont feel that putting him on the street is an option as I need him to still pay bills and help me out financially until this all gets sorted. He can be spiteful and I guess I dont want to take the chance he is going to ruin me financially.

He just left for work and he will be home Sunday. He said that he loves me and he will see me Sunday???? What the hell??? We have not spoken about all the hurt hes caused, where hes been not that there is any point.
He said he needs to hang around better people and get his **** together.
Does this mean hes staying? Or he thinks he is?
We have not talked about what I want. Or where I am in this whole thing.
Or if this is even workable? Or what that looks like.

Im just so confused. I love him however I cannot go through this anymore.... I am so swept up in my own grief, disbelief etc I cant sort through it all.

The active addict and the man I love are two separate people and I just dont know what to do.
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Old 01-30-2013, 11:50 AM
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Personally, I believe what he has told you, he is who he is and he has made it clear that he will continue to use.

I am sure there is a way to work out the finances, he is blowing his money on drugs, so,
I cannot see how he could be that much help in that area. I would open my own accounts, in my name only and not give him any access to the accounts. I would no longer give him any money for anything. If you need to start selling off some of the joint assets, then do so.

IMO, comingling funds when involved with an active or newly recovering user is a real bad move.

Read the stickeys at the top of this forum, cynical one's blogs and Codependent No More by
Melodie Beattie.

Keep posting, it will help.
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Old 01-30-2013, 01:40 PM
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KLM
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I am seeing a lawyer tomorrow to see what my options are.
I wish I had known then what I know now about combining funds etc. I would not have done it.... I had no idea it would come to this as he was so good for so long. I need his signature to sell anything... or get him off of bank accounts etc.
If hes not willing to sell Im hooped because I cant afford any of these payments on my own. I guess I will find out tomorrow after the appointment.
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Old 01-30-2013, 03:13 PM
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I feel your pain. I, too, connected with an old love from younger days. I had minimal understanding of addiction - and a few months into our relationship he told me that he still did "cocaine" from time to time. Ummmmmmm... it was more like crack and occasionally IV cocaine. He got clean, I believed in him, we were true loves, we got married. He stopped working a recovery program, became verbally/emotionally abusive, would apologize and beg for another chance. Finally, after 5 years of misery with him he choked me and threw a plate at my head. GOOD BYE.

I didn't leave him sooner because of how financially entwined we were and the HEAVY duty hit I would take if I left him. He had moved into my home and then wouldn't leave. I had to move out of MY OWN home to get away from him.

Speaking with an attorney is important. And getting support to help you resist the upcoming barrage of apologies and pleas that you are going to receive sooner rather than later is important.

I hate this for your child. My boys were profoundly damaged by going through this experience (my ex was their step father). The only thing that I could have done that would have damaged them further would be to have stayed even another moment longer.

I know this feels overwhelming but you can get through it.

I really hope that your story and my story will make even one person think twice about merging finances with an addict or a newly recovering addict. I so wish that I had waited for at least 5 years before I even thought about any of that. My ex held it in the road long enough to dupe me.

Keep posting - there is a way out of this...
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Old 01-30-2013, 04:05 PM
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Please get yourself checked out for STDs. You don't know how long he's been using or what he does when he's using. Crack and promescutiy go hand in hand.

Good move on the lawyer. His addiction will bankrupt you, if you allow him to do so.

How does what he says, means or wants matter? Your job is to protect your child. Drug addiction and children don't mix. Your family home is not a flop house for tired addicts.

You may also want to seek some professional help as it relates to boundaries. and grief counseling.
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Old 01-31-2013, 05:40 PM
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KLM
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Light seeker. Our stories do sound similar. The finances terrify me bc I can't afford all the things on my own. Unfortunately I had to change my lawyer apt to Tuesday. ALL of our payments come out of our business account and we are both signers on the account. His paycheques are direct deposit.... So far. Well see if he leaves the money in there long enough for our payments to be made
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Old 01-31-2013, 07:16 PM
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See below!
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Old 01-31-2013, 07:17 PM
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Take control, Sister. You are looking to a man that does crack to make decisions about your life. You absolutely have a good brain and it sounds like it is a good time to use it. Don't wait for him to make choices.
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Old 01-31-2013, 08:26 PM
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KLM
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I wish I knew where to begin. I know I am operating from a place of fear as to sell anything it needs BOTH of our signatures.
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Old 01-31-2013, 08:36 PM
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My advice, KLM - get a lawyer and turn over the financial negotiations to him/her. You've got enough on your plate with the emotional anguish. Keep posting - and best of luck.
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