mfox

It's been a while since I've posted here. I guess when things seem to be going well you don't rely so heavily on your 'support system'. And I know what many of you are going to say before I even read your responses, but I'm putting this out there anyway.

My AH has been living in another state with his mom for nearly 4 months. He says he's been clean for 6 weeks. I won't use the term 'in recovery' because, although he says he is in recovery, there is a difference between being clean and being in recovery. He is not attending meetings and is not in a program. He says he has been too sick to go to meetings (methadone withdrawals), but he manages to go to the bar to hang out with his new group of losers at least a few times a week. But, that is his addiction talking. I know that.

This has been a 5 year roller-coaster. I am still talking to him and I do still love him deeply. But he is wanting more from me than I have to give. He wants to come home and is angry that I said no. Certainly not yet. He claims that now that he is off the pills he can "see and feel again". He professes his undying love for me. I know he loves me. And I love him. That is what makes it so hard. He doesn't want to hear about how hurt I am or about the trust issues I have with him or the fact that I can't just believe him this time because, after all, THIS TIME is different than all the others. I'm not ready. I may never be.

So, here comes the guilt... I have met someone. Sort of anyway. Someone I grew up with. There is NOTHING going on between us at this point - but there is a mutual interest and curiosity. We are only friends and have been talking and catching up on the past 20 years. But I smile when I see his text messages. I don't cringe and wonder "what now?!" and I REALLY like that. I look forward to seeing him while I don't feel that way about my AH. Don't get me wrong - I MISS my AH terribly. But the man I miss is the man I met, not the one I have lived with for 5 years. I miss the IDEA of him, not the reality. I miss having dreams of a future because I've come to realize you can't have dreams with an addict. Kind of like the saying goes..."Just for today" or "just for the hour" or "just for the minute". That's all you have with an addict. That's all you can plan for because your plans and dreams fall prey to their addiction.

So I'm kind of stuck. Feeling a sense of obligation and guilt with my AH because I love him and I want to see him thrive but then there is the idea of happiness and a future - either with someone else or alone - that I don't feel with my AH anymore. There is a sense of hope without him that I don't have when I think about a future with him. So what keeps me tied to him? What prevents me from letting go? (yes, all together now... "that is your codependency, dummy!")

Like I said, I know what many of you will say, but I guess I just need to hear it from someone else. Otherwise its just noise rattling around in my head.

Lily1918

I know how you feel. I often wonder what it would be like to date a boy without all of this addiction and recovery nonsense. thank you for sharing!!!!! now I know Im not alone. well, I have no advice on what to do. I can say though that there is nothing you can do that would make your husband not thrive. if he says so it is an excuse. didn't cause it. can't fix it. can't change anything but your life. isn't it nice though??? please be careful when talking to someone. I mean really get to know him really wellI left an alcoholic, spent 6 months "finding me" didn't know I was codependent, met a great guy, he was the award winning golden boy of the church, aaaaannnnnddd.... he turned out to be a heroin addict. and now here I am, only very fresh in my recovery. so that's my story, hope it helps.

BeavsDad

Congrats on staying strong so far and keeping your eyes open.

You only have one life to live.

Plan B may not end up being permanent either, but it may be a healthy experience.

Choose wisely.

Good luck.

constantlylearn

I'm codependent.

I have chosen to read codependent no more because somehow I just keep finding these guys. Guess what? I'm broken.

Chances are from reading your posts you're a bit like me. The idea of someone else is wonderful to me newly single...but, if I don't fix ME I'll be right here again.

There are great things about what active addicts try to be. They are however an idea, like you said.

Edited to say: Good job for holding your line. Perhaps it's time to take you time away from his toxic behavior completely. Eventually the "I love you so much"es will wear you down.

I don't know if I would say to jump on the train with this new guy before reading codependent no more, may be trading one for the same and have your heart broken again.

It's the hardest thing we'll ever do - fixing ourselves - but we're worth it just like we think everyone else is.

dollydo

Honestly, I believe that sometimes a marriage is just over, addiction or no addiction.

I do believe that you can have "dreams" with an active addict, and they are just that, dreams... that turn into a nightmare.

Keep yourself in a reality based mindset, you have come so far, keep moving forward.

mfox

Thanks for your advice. And, trust me, I'm not about to jump into a new relationship. The reason things have been so smooth lately is because he has been gone and I have been alone with my kids. No drama. No fighting - except with him when I don't respond the way I have been conditioned to respond. I have a lot of work to do on me and I KNOW that.

It isn't that I'm simply feeling guilty about possibly meeting someone else. I feel guilty about feeling better about a future without him in it than one with him. Regardless of whether he stops using, there are behaviors and patters that I find repulsive now. That, combined with the CONSTANT fear of a relapse that I don't want to deal with. It isn't just pills. He's a crack addict. And I feel like the only reason he hasn't used in 6 weeks is because he has no money and no vehicle. He ruined everything. His mom won't let him touch her car after he stranded her 8 hours from home to go to a crack house for two days.

So the guilt isn't specifically connected to someone new. It's more about me, my life, and moving on and away from him. He is addict #2 for me. I really don't need or want another. And I will pay attention to the 'red flags' I see with anyone new instead of ignore them and try to convince myself that it's no big deal and he will change. I will take a lot more time and be more careful in the future. And right now I'm more interested in finding ME again than getting involved with anyone new. It's just the fact that hearing from this guy made me notice the difference. I didn't realize how much just a text message from AH can stress me out. He never makes me laugh or smile. There is never anything happy or good. I feel obligation, hurt, fear. But I do love him. And I also am not a child. I know that this new guy is just that.... NEW. Eventually, after the new wears off, will I still smile when I see his messages.

My AH made me smile and laugh and happy for a long time. He doesn't anymore. He SAYS he wants to, but I can't trust that it will happen. This is just an eye-opener I guess about my true feelings about my life and about him. But it doesn't help the guilt. Like I've heard on here before...the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt). That's no way to live.

And you all are a lot cheaper than therapy and more objective than my friends (okay, I do have friends on here also, but I think you know what I mean) so THANK YOU!

LoveMeNow

Hi Mfox, Please read my thread titled Awesome Post. It may explain why you are feeling the way you do.

hello-kitty

Noticing any red flags here? People who want to stay clean and sober do not hang out in bars with losers.

The more distance I put between my ex and myself and my kid, the better. Whenever he pops up there is just drama-drama-drama. He always says he's clean. Of course he does. That's what he wants me to believe and lies are not a problem for him.

Right now, I'm happier when I am just focused on taking care of myself and my child. Relationships are too much work at this stage in my life. When I'm ready it'll just happen naturally and I don't think it'll be something that I spend a lot of time worrying about the timing of. If I do worry, I think that would be indicating a red flag.

mfox

Exactly! That's what I said! And, of course, he justifies it - after all, he doesn't know anyone else and where else can he go? (Ummm... to a meeting, to church, to volunteer somewhere in the community, to WORK). And I'm listening and realizing that this is HIS life and HIS choice. If these are the people he CHOOSES to associate with, then so be it. I don't have to, I don't want to and I won't.