Devastated and Confused...Living with a relapsing Addict
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Denver
Posts: 2
Devastated and Confused...Living with a relapsing Addict
I am new here, and this is my first post...I am somewhat nervous about posting, but here I go...It's a long story so I'll try and summarize...
I starting dating my boyfriend almost 4 years ago. About a year into dating it was obvious that he had a drinking problem and suffered from depression, and ended up losing his job. Six months later he joined AA and to my knowledge, hasn't had a drink since. As you can imagine, there were many lies, tears, and heartache getting to this point. But I thought that was the end of the sad story and beginning of a great story of recovery. He continue to do well, go to meetings, and has since started getting his new career on track. So jumping forward to two weeks ago, we got engaged. We were so happy...for about three days....
Long story short, he was confronted at our friends house about stealing pain pills from them and taking them while we were over there. After a few days and an immense amount of tears, it turns out that he has been doing this all along since joining AA and in short, he has had a history of depression, lying, stealing, and pill popping. These things along with drinking have been a problem for almost 15 years. I honestly can't even begin to tell you my devastation. But after reading around on here for a few days, I have to say that I feel better knowing that I'm not alone. I am currently standing by to help him because I'm so worried for him and I really love him, but I am making no promises about our future. He is making the effort to re-commit to 90 in 90 and I went with him to his psychiatrist this morning for the first time. I want so badly to help him and I can't imagine living without him, but I don't really know how I will ever be able to get over this and trust him again. I also know that I need to make sure and take care of myself and do what's best for me. I never thought I could feel so torn...It's hard to even imagine moving forward right now, with or without him. Going to my first Al-anon meeting tonight...
I starting dating my boyfriend almost 4 years ago. About a year into dating it was obvious that he had a drinking problem and suffered from depression, and ended up losing his job. Six months later he joined AA and to my knowledge, hasn't had a drink since. As you can imagine, there were many lies, tears, and heartache getting to this point. But I thought that was the end of the sad story and beginning of a great story of recovery. He continue to do well, go to meetings, and has since started getting his new career on track. So jumping forward to two weeks ago, we got engaged. We were so happy...for about three days....
Long story short, he was confronted at our friends house about stealing pain pills from them and taking them while we were over there. After a few days and an immense amount of tears, it turns out that he has been doing this all along since joining AA and in short, he has had a history of depression, lying, stealing, and pill popping. These things along with drinking have been a problem for almost 15 years. I honestly can't even begin to tell you my devastation. But after reading around on here for a few days, I have to say that I feel better knowing that I'm not alone. I am currently standing by to help him because I'm so worried for him and I really love him, but I am making no promises about our future. He is making the effort to re-commit to 90 in 90 and I went with him to his psychiatrist this morning for the first time. I want so badly to help him and I can't imagine living without him, but I don't really know how I will ever be able to get over this and trust him again. I also know that I need to make sure and take care of myself and do what's best for me. I never thought I could feel so torn...It's hard to even imagine moving forward right now, with or without him. Going to my first Al-anon meeting tonight...
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Welcome to SR and it's so good you are sharing your story. It helps you and it helps us.
I think "one day at a time" is the most appropriate plan you can follow right now. His is a story about addictive disease, and it is a common one. And today you really cannot foretell how it will continue to unfold. This can be a turning point for him. But he has a lot of recovery work ahead, and your needs for intimacy and genuine relationship will need to be suspended for many months. He just cannot be who you wish him to be right now. And his is still a very active addict brain, and therefore, cannot be trusted, in spite of his 90 in 90 intentions. Addiction is an illness not only of physical dependency but also psychological and spiritual sickness. Detox cannot cure those. Recovery takes time.
I think your plan for Al-Anon and for time is the best. I hope you feel comfortable in the meeting, but if you don't, find one that fits.
There is much recovery experience on this forum and you will find excellent support.
I think "one day at a time" is the most appropriate plan you can follow right now. His is a story about addictive disease, and it is a common one. And today you really cannot foretell how it will continue to unfold. This can be a turning point for him. But he has a lot of recovery work ahead, and your needs for intimacy and genuine relationship will need to be suspended for many months. He just cannot be who you wish him to be right now. And his is still a very active addict brain, and therefore, cannot be trusted, in spite of his 90 in 90 intentions. Addiction is an illness not only of physical dependency but also psychological and spiritual sickness. Detox cannot cure those. Recovery takes time.
I think your plan for Al-Anon and for time is the best. I hope you feel comfortable in the meeting, but if you don't, find one that fits.
There is much recovery experience on this forum and you will find excellent support.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Oh yes, my husband stopped pills "just like that" many times.....I was too stupid not to realize he would have had some serious withdrawals.
Keep reading, posting and educating yourself.
Oh had I had I known then..................
Keep reading, posting and educating yourself.
Oh had I had I known then..................
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((smh)) - Welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what has brought you here. I'm glad you've been reading around and that you are going to an al-anon meeting.
I'm a codependent who became an addict when I coudn't "fix" the life with my alcoholic bf. Many years later, I'm in recovery for addiction and codependency, and the great people here have helped, tremendously.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I'm a codependent who became an addict when I coudn't "fix" the life with my alcoholic bf. Many years later, I'm in recovery for addiction and codependency, and the great people here have helped, tremendously.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
One day at a time
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Finally in reality
Posts: 67
My xab was an opiate user and drinker.
He was sober for a whole 9 months and I was SO ecstatic!!!! Trusting him again was hard but man I lovvvved him so I did it (hello codependency)!
Guess what?
He was using the WHOLE time. Just got better at hiding it. He says he relapsed "only" 10 times in 9 months, but addicts usually cut everything in half so I'd say at least 20. He lied to me that whole time, made me feel bad for asking him questions about recovery, attacked me for not spending all my time with him.
Yet, the whole time I was feeling bad because I wasn't "meeting his needs" he was drinking, using pills, trying out meth, and smoking some weed.
If he isn't willing to really work a program it won't change and you'll be me in a year.
Mine did 90 in 90 and even had a sponsor...for a while. If they don't take it seriously and change the WHY behind their using they may be "clean" but they won't be in recovery and all the terrible lying manipulation and hurt will continue.
Please keep reading.
We are here for you.
He was sober for a whole 9 months and I was SO ecstatic!!!! Trusting him again was hard but man I lovvvved him so I did it (hello codependency)!
Guess what?
He was using the WHOLE time. Just got better at hiding it. He says he relapsed "only" 10 times in 9 months, but addicts usually cut everything in half so I'd say at least 20. He lied to me that whole time, made me feel bad for asking him questions about recovery, attacked me for not spending all my time with him.
Yet, the whole time I was feeling bad because I wasn't "meeting his needs" he was drinking, using pills, trying out meth, and smoking some weed.
If he isn't willing to really work a program it won't change and you'll be me in a year.
Mine did 90 in 90 and even had a sponsor...for a while. If they don't take it seriously and change the WHY behind their using they may be "clean" but they won't be in recovery and all the terrible lying manipulation and hurt will continue.
Please keep reading.
We are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow 
Oh yes, my husband stopped pills "just like that" many times.....I was too stupid not to realize he would have had some serious withdrawals.
Keep reading, posting and educating yourself.
Oh had I had I known then..................
Keep reading, posting and educating yourself.
Oh had I had I known then..................
but yes this is true. I've seen these withdrawl and they are hell on earth for all involved. literally. anyone who "quits cold turkey" with no withdrawl is lying. end of story.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Welcome to SR. I think EnglishGarden said it all. You need to take it one at at time. You can never predict the outcome - and one of the hardest lessons I had to learn through SR - is that you have NO idea of what the outcome will be. I truly believed 'my' addict was different. That he was stronger, that our relationship was stronger, that somehow we would get through this... as though it was a 'temporary' glitch on the horizon. Talk about living in denial. H (not my husband but intitials to the addict I loves, name) has just gone from bad to worse... its heartbreaking. So what I suggest, is you detach, read up all your can, educate yourself to addiction (without becoming obsessed)... and truly understand there is NOTHING you can do about it - you can only heal yourself... and now for the tricky part - start to live your life each day, one step at a time, as though he is not in it..... and don't plan for the future with him. Plan YOUR future, with all without him - so that whatever the future holds - you can be strong, and the house of addiction's cards, when the come falling down, which inevitably they do - they won't bring you down with them.... yes there are success stories - but one in a million - so don't hold your breath!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR......this is a great forum.
Glad to know that you are going to a meeting.....keep going back!
People have asked many times on SR how they can best support a loved one in recovery. The answer is simple....work the program you wish he would. It may not get him clean and sober but it will help you.
Welcome.....
gentle hugs
ke
Glad to know that you are going to a meeting.....keep going back!
People have asked many times on SR how they can best support a loved one in recovery. The answer is simple....work the program you wish he would. It may not get him clean and sober but it will help you.
Welcome.....
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 43
I am also one of the "hopeful engaged." Going on three years now of various stages of relationship with my ABF/fiance. There's a lot to learn, and while educating yourself about addiction is crucial, you'll will find that evolving your reaction to the bull* is key to your own health.
He's already proven how adept he is at deception. Once you realize you've been duped, it's a long road back to trusting. Then again, he didn't earn your trust to begin with. If you start demanding the truth or asking for tests, you might get it thrown in your face, or they may dupe you anyway.
I don't mean to sound negative, just sharing my experience with a man I thought was my soulmate, the perfect match, and when we are "on," we are in tune like no one else I've ever known. When he is present and working a program he is one of the most promising, best there is. Then the little signs and signals pop up, he gets nasty and evasive, picks fights, and I talk myself into crazy world. Or, I did. I keep forgetting what the crazy feels like.
I'm sorry the bottom dropped out like it did. It's a rough place to be, and I wish you the best. Like everyone says... this is a great place to read, learn, and find support.
He's already proven how adept he is at deception. Once you realize you've been duped, it's a long road back to trusting. Then again, he didn't earn your trust to begin with. If you start demanding the truth or asking for tests, you might get it thrown in your face, or they may dupe you anyway.
I don't mean to sound negative, just sharing my experience with a man I thought was my soulmate, the perfect match, and when we are "on," we are in tune like no one else I've ever known. When he is present and working a program he is one of the most promising, best there is. Then the little signs and signals pop up, he gets nasty and evasive, picks fights, and I talk myself into crazy world. Or, I did. I keep forgetting what the crazy feels like.
I'm sorry the bottom dropped out like it did. It's a rough place to be, and I wish you the best. Like everyone says... this is a great place to read, learn, and find support.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Denver
Posts: 2
Thank you all so much for your posts. Somehow, it really does help. The Al-anon meeting last night was really tough. Somehow I felt mad that I was there, like why do I have to do this when he's the one that screwed everything up...I didn't want to be there, but once I settled in it was kind of just nice to sit there and listen. One day at a time...I think I'll just stick with that for now, thanks again...
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Anytown
Posts: 59
Originally Posted by Lara
the house of addiction's cards, when the come falling down, which inevitably they do - they won't bring you down with them....
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