Blogs


Notices

Am I crazy for wanting financial proof of sobriety?

Old 01-29-2013, 08:58 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
RedSoxGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Vancouver Canada
Posts: 37
Question Am I crazy for wanting financial proof of sobriety?

Morning all!

I have a question for the folks here: my recovering alcoholic/addict/sex addict boyfriend (yes I'm a lucky girl with a triple addiction) and I have a reoccuring disagreement that can escallate to a fight pretty frequently. As we all have been in the position in the past, I have had to bear the financial burden of our daily life while in the past he's blown (pardon the pun) a substantial (we're talking at least 70%) of his money just on cocaine and alcohol. He went into treatment, and was released after completing the program in November. He is paid every week, GOOD money, IN CASH, and I have found out on a few occasions that he's broke within a few days.

I have been very honest about what I require to try to build trust with us again: to see his smart phone and internet history (due to the sex addiction); his effort to not be a compusive liar to me and for him to be transparent with his financial state - which he agreed to multiple times. I have put myself in SERIOUS debt in the past trying to take care of our day to day life while he barely contributed. I'm still trying to get out of the financial hole that I've dug (with little help or progress). I questioned him again last night as I believe he's broke yet again. He states that I'm being overbearing, controlling and that it's an invasion of privacy. That he's "given up so much of my privacy with his addiction I deserve something".

So my question is: is it unreasonable for me to ask for proof that he has money? I'm not asking what every dime is spent on, just for him to show me he has a reasonable amount of money and THAT'S IT! Maybe I'm crazy and/or paranoid but who knows at this point.

thank you!!! B.
RedSoxGirl is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to RedSoxGirl For This Useful Post:
Lara (01-30-2013), Sungrl (01-29-2013)
Old 01-29-2013, 09:58 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Getting there!!
 
LoveMeNow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,613
If he is broke within a few days and still not contributing....I think you know the truth. Trust your instincts, they do not have to be confirmed with proof. (like I always thought they did).

For some reason, I spent so much energy trying to prove I was right....when I KNEW I was. Today, I trust myself so much more.

Is he working any kind of program?? IMO, he doesn't sound like he is in any form of recovery.
LoveMeNow is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to LoveMeNow For This Useful Post:
constantlylearn (01-29-2013), jerect (01-29-2013), Lara (01-30-2013)
Old 01-29-2013, 10:09 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
RedSoxGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Vancouver Canada
Posts: 37
well he's going to meetings 5 days a week but it's making me nervous. He wants to speak to his counsellor from treatment to see if I'm being a little overbearing (which hey, if I am then that's OK I'm willing to admit I was wrong!, but if my expectations are normal I need him to respect that). And here's an even bigger question: at what point does instincts become paranoia?
RedSoxGirl is offline  
Old 01-29-2013, 10:24 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
as a sober contributor
 
Hope4Life's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: California
Posts: 1,312
Tough question

Excuse me for asking this but..... if he doesnt contribute equally to your existence, why would you stay with him? Seriously, this is a HUGE RED FLAG!!

I know because I have been USED in the same way by several supposed girlfriends. One convinced me that I was supposed to buy food for dinner every night, buy her beer every night and even supply her with weed! What a DAMN FOOL I was!! After I ended the relationship, she bought a new car!!

It sure sounds to me like he is using you in a big way and I dont blame you for wanting some proof that he is not snorting his money away. You are NOT CRAZY!

A healthy relationship starts with sharing responsibility for the household bills and if he does not contribute ANYTHING, something is not right.....
Hope4Life is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Hope4Life For This Useful Post:
jerect (01-29-2013), Lara (01-30-2013)
Old 01-29-2013, 10:28 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Recovered
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,130
Sounds like he is off the beam. Honesty is the number one thing that must be developed when we get sober. Even in denial, we tell the truth as we know it if we are to be successful. However, I NEVER had to be nickel-and-dimed by my SO. It sets up a parent-child relationship and we are both adults.

Many have put themselves into serious debt to enable the addicts in their lives. We addicts actually do better when we hit the bottom and can't take it anymore...ie we want to get sober enough to make a plan and then do the plan. And KEEP doing the plan.

I am also a triple addict (alcohol/drug/sex). My new beginning finally started when my SO stopped propping me up (place to stay, "sacrificing for us" financially, not keeping his boundaries, etc) and stopped acting like my parent (checking my drawers, phone, computer, pockets, etc). Now, after both of us getting into recovery (me for my stuff and him for codependence - Alanon), we are two sober adults making it work. He says it is very refreshing and awesome that he can trust me and not have to go behind me anymore. BUT.....I had to EARN that trust. And it took a long time.

So, if you think your bf is using, he probably is. Is it "crazy" to ask him about financials. Yes, it is controlling. The four things my SO did the most were: martyring, mothering, manipulating, managing. The 4 M's of codependence. From my perspective, THAT going away is awesome, too.
mfanch is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to mfanch For This Useful Post:
h00ped (01-30-2013), Lara (01-30-2013)
Old 01-29-2013, 10:35 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
RedSoxGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Vancouver Canada
Posts: 37
thank you all for your responses!!! well here's the sticky part. He's contributing to household stuff, and in a big way at times, but it's helping to pay things like the debt incurred because of him, and his general secretiveness about his money. Is the secretiveness understandable is my question. sorry I probably should have said it better before lol.
RedSoxGirl is offline  
Old 01-29-2013, 10:38 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Getting there!!
 
LoveMeNow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,613
Originally Posted by RedSoxGirl View Post
well he's going to meetings 5 days a week but it's making me nervous. He wants to speak to his counsellor from treatment to see if I'm being a little overbearing (which hey, if I am then that's OK I'm willing to admit I was wrong!, but if my expectations are normal I need him to respect that). And here's an even bigger question: at what point does instincts become paranoia?
IMO, there is no paranoia in a trusting, honest and mutually respectful relationship.

Ah, the meetings!! My husband relapsed and continued to go to meetings. I had a false sense of security because he was attending meetings although my friend had warned me. Her husband was getting high with his sponsor. I learned meetings, sponsors and working the steps show in the behavior not the attendance.
LoveMeNow is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to LoveMeNow For This Useful Post:
bamboo38 (01-29-2013), bluebelle (01-29-2013), Lara (01-30-2013), RedSoxGirl (01-29-2013), RoseMadder (01-29-2013)
Old 01-29-2013, 10:39 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Getting there!!
 
LoveMeNow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,613
Originally Posted by RedSoxGirl View Post
thank you all for your responses!!! well here's the sticky part. He's contributing to household stuff, and in a big way at times, but it's helping to pay things like the debt incurred because of him, and his general secretiveness about his money. Is the secretiveness understandable is my question. sorry I probably should have said it better before lol.
If there is nothing to hide, people don't hide anything!
LoveMeNow is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to LoveMeNow For This Useful Post:
Lara (01-30-2013), RedSoxGirl (01-29-2013), RoseMadder (01-29-2013)
Old 01-29-2013, 10:39 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 81
In my humblest opinion, I think that keeping tabs on the phone, Internet and his money is unhealthy for you. If he's going to cheat he will. If he's going to spend all his money, whether on drugs or things that arn't necessity he will. Keeping tabs on all this will keep you better informed on his situation but will in the end drive you crazy. I did stuff like this for years, only made me sick.

The first time I separated from my ex, I had depleted my savings account trying to keep up with our lifestyle and pay all the bills while she drank and used drugs. We separated for 3 years and I did very well for myself. We decided to give it another go, and that time it again ended with my savings account depleted, my credit card jacked up $6000 an almost losing my job because of her irresponsible behavior.

She's 5 months clean now, still financially irresponsible. She could have $300 in her pocket and somehow spend it before she leaves the house. Drugs or no drugs she's bad with money.

If you've clearly stated what his financial obligations are in your relationship and he his incapable of paying his way, you may want to reconsider your expectations of him. You're risking more debt
drc5426 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to drc5426 For This Useful Post:
LoveMeNow (01-29-2013), RedSoxGirl (01-29-2013)
Old 01-29-2013, 10:59 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Getting there!!
 
LoveMeNow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,613
Bottom line....is this the kind of relationship that you want?? Is his behavior acceptable?

I think many of us stop trying to listen to our own instincts because the truth is too painful. Today, I realized denying my instincts caused me poor pain.
LoveMeNow is offline  
Old 01-29-2013, 11:01 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
as a sober contributor
 
Hope4Life's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: California
Posts: 1,312
Wow....guess you touched a nerve for me!!

Originally Posted by RedSoxGirl View Post
thank you all for your responses!!! well here's the sticky part. He's contributing to household stuff, and in a big way at times, but it's helping to pay things like the debt incurred because of him, and his general secretiveness about his money. Is the secretiveness understandable is my question. sorry I probably should have said it better before lol.
I apologize for my assumptions, obviously I was way off the mark!

I'm glad that he contributes to the every day bills for your home.

I still dont think you are crazy. Cocaine is a tough one to kick and you are just concerned about him. It sounds like he is trying to get clean and you may want to back off a little bit until he has time without the drug in his system.

Once again, sorry for assuming the worst.... I obviously have relationship issues from my poor judgement in the past.
Hope4Life is offline  
Old 01-29-2013, 11:45 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
RedSoxGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Vancouver Canada
Posts: 37
Originally Posted by Hope4Life View Post
I apologize for my assumptions, obviously I was way off the mark!

I'm glad that he contributes to the every day bills for your home.

I still dont think you are crazy. Cocaine is a tough one to kick and you are just concerned about him. It sounds like he is trying to get clean and you may want to back off a little bit until he has time without the drug in his system.

Once again, sorry for assuming the worst.... I obviously have relationship issues from my poor judgement in the past.
NOT AT ALL! It's my own damn fault for not being more specific: you can tell I'm working from home and my brain is split lol. I appreciate what you're saying, honestly, it's good reference.

I'm sure we're all the same: although we love the people who are addicted, don't you sometimes just wish you never went down this path in the first place? How much easier would life be? lol I guess what doesn't kill us and all that. I swear one day I'll have no worries on a beach somewhere, just my dog and me lol.:ghug3
RedSoxGirl is offline  
Old 01-29-2013, 01:14 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by RedSoxGirl View Post
well he's going to meetings 5 days a week but it's making me nervous. He wants to speak to his counsellor from treatment to see if I'm being a little overbearing (which hey, if I am then that's OK I'm willing to admit I was wrong!, but if my expectations are normal I need him to respect that). And here's an even bigger question: at what point does instincts become paranoia?
Just going to meetings does not constitute recovery. I've watched it over the years where people have come to meetings and just take up a seat that someone who truly wants to recovery could use. Recovery is a multifaceted process.

I know because that is the kind of person I had become when I was on my way toward relapse.

Personally I refuse to engage in any sort of relationship where I would need to monitor most aspects of their life.

Life is too short. I try hard to live it to the fullest.

You deserve better, hon. We all do.

Sending you hugs of support!
Freedom1990 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Freedom1990 For This Useful Post:
bluebelle (01-29-2013), dollydo (01-29-2013)
Old 01-29-2013, 01:24 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Getting there!!
 
LoveMeNow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,613
IMO, I don't think any seat is ever wasted. The opportunity of a seed to be planted always exists. In addition, I have heard many speakers say it took well over a year before they truly embraced the program.

If its a choice for someone to stand or go back out..........I hope someone would give them their seat.
LoveMeNow is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:28 AM.