SelenaKyle

The man I think I just might want to marry just went to detox. And while this is the first time since we've been together, I know that he's been through it twice before we met for a heroin addiction.

Until yesterday, I didn't even realize anything was up. Then he told me he'd been using, was out of drugs and would shortly begin detoxing. He was up all, night, sweating, shaking - kicking. He was starting to detox from benzodiazepine abuse, which is pretty ****ing scary. At 7am his mother picked him up from our apartment and drove him to a five-day detox center. I barely know his family, we've been together for a very short time, shy of six months. I don't know how to feel. I grew up in a small rural town where meth was and remains a huge problem, but I'm clueless about heroin addiction, benzo and prescription drug abuse. (I know that all forms of drug abuse exist in all places, I just haven't seen it until now. Call me sheltered). It was easy for him to hide his use from me. When he comes back, I don't really know what to expect, but I'm sure it will always be easy for him to hide his drug use if he wants to. I could drive myself crazy with doubt, but whats the point?

Since we started dating, he has been open about his past as a heroin addict, time in rehab, regrets about using, etc. I let him tell me as much as he wanted to, and didn't try to push for information. Again and again he has told me that addiction changes you, makes you do horrible things.

I trusted him, to a point, but I guess on some level I've always considered the possibility of a relapse. But how can you prepare for that? I have always been scared of it. I will be afraid of this happening again and again for the rest of my life. I know, no matter how long he's clean, I will never be able to shake some small measure of doubt. And that's a really horrible feeling. And I'm pretty sure there's nothing anyone can do about it, which makes me feel helpless and small and powerless and vulnerable and angry. And all of those things are true - we are powerless. I am angry. Addiction disenfranchises.

Even though everyone wants to be the exception and believe that some how the rules don't apply to us, I know that when it comes down to case studies and data, nothing is more powerful than addiction, no pressure or compulsion in this world, not love or threats or obligations or a promise. Nothing. It seems like there's no logic to relapse, you can't predict it or see it coming.

How do you deal with this? I've never wanted to get married, I could never imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone at all. I'm in my twenties, so maybe it's just youth, but it always seemed crazy to me to make a promise like that...the future is unpredictable, people change, etc.

And then I met this one, and everything changed. I want to spend the rest of my life with this guy, even if I can never trust him and am always afraid of another relapse. I know addiction is a disease, and I don't want it to define us. But I also know that it is impossible to pretend it doesn't affect us. I don't think love can cure addiction any more than it can cure polio, or cancer. But if he had cancer I wouldn't up and run, so why should I do that now?

So why am I going to post this? I'm not sure. Because it happened, and it deserves to come to light somehow, because I'm sure I"m not the only one who is seeing addiction & relapse from this angle, even it feels isolating. Thanks for reading.

constantlylearn

Hi! Welcome!

This is a great forum full of knowledge and people that care.

I have been where you are, its so hard. No one will tell you what to do, because no one can. What I can tell you is, addiction does not have to define everything in the life you two share. With that said addicts can become very manipulative and mean. If this happens please remember your worth! We're here for you.

It's his choice to get better but your choice to stay if he doesn't.

We're here for you! keep posting.

dollydo

"And then I met this one, and everything changed. I want to spend the rest of my life with this guy, even if I can never trust him and am always afraid of another relapse."

A relationship that is not built on trust, IMO, has no future. It is like trying to build a home without a foundation, it will not stand the test of time, it will collaspe.

This guy is an addict, he will be one all his life, it is just a matter of whether he is clean and working a strong recovery program or not, that's it. There is no cure for his disease. He has
been in recovery before and it has not worked for him... have you asked yourself why? Could it be that he is not serious about his recovery?

You are so young, why would you even consider jumping into this fire feet first? Love does not cure all, living with an active user is pure hell.

Take some time to read the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs, lots of
helpful information at your fingertips.

Keep posting, read others posts, it will help you to really understand what you are actually dealing with.

Pamel

Try some al-anon meetings. As an addict (alcohol) with more than a few relapses, my second husband steered me back thanks to that program.

Once an addict, always an addict. It just depends on what you do to handle it.

jerect

I could have written your post 6 years ago... I ended up marrying that addict because I just knew that love could conquer all and that I could rescue him from his addiction...

I lived 5 years in addiction hell.. I endured lies, countless relapses, two detoxes, more lies, stealing money, cheating, more lies and more lies and more lies... trust was always an issue in our marriage and he was never really present because he had a mistress called opiates... it was the most emotional and financial draining experience of my life... And when I finally got up the balls to divorce him it was absolute HELL getting him out of my house because as an addict in active addiction who was spending all of his money on drugs he had no place to go...

I know you don't want to hear these words but being that you are not married to him.. RUN, RUN fast and far away as you can... You've only known him six months.. Therefore you don't even really know him.. You only know what he wants you to know about him and maybe his true self is only beginning to break through...

I say this in strength and experience and not in a harsh way.. I just hate to see people make the same mistake I did

(((( hugs)))))

allforcnm

I think you have the logic correct if you are going to have a relationship with someone who has addiction issues. IMO, it is best to think of it like a chronic illness where one may either go into permanent remission, or suffer relapse.
((How do you handle it? ))
From my personal experience, I can say that it is easier to handle the possibility of relapse if you plan for it ahead of time. If you build up a solid life for yourself through education, career, family, friends then you will have stability and support regardless of what happens with his future. It doesn’t mean that you cant have an excellent relationship, it just means you have to take responsibility for yourself so you don’t take a huge fall, if he does. Really, this is the same advice I would give to anyone regardless of addiction issues. Things can happen even with non-addicts like accidents, illness, or sometimes things just don’t work out after a few years. There is a lot of tragedy in life. My husband was not an addict when we met, it happened after an injury and many legitimate prescriptions. We never know what we will get.

((There is no warning on relapse))
I do think that there are signs of relapse before it happens in most cases. The signs may not always be obvious to us, but to the other person if they work at it, they can learn to identify warning signs in advance. My husband learned about this when he went to rehab. It is very important because when you can see the warning signs then you can take action to prevent the relapse. The signs will be different for everyone, but good examples are a weakening mental defense against using again, not managing stress properly, putting yourself in situations with people or places that trigger you, etc. This is when the person needs to get honest with themselves, make life changes, recommit to staying clean, reach out for help through a therapist, doctor, or even a self help group, whatever the person is comfortable with.

Your boyfriend relapsed, but he did the right thing in reaching out for help with detox. Withdrawal from Benzo’s can be very serious; while all withdrawal is bad, that one has a higher potential to actually cause death just from the detox. (My husband suffered a seizure before he got to the hospital & this is what we were told). Plus your boyfriend came clean to his mom, so all of that shows he is taking responsibility for self care, a plus.

But he is correct in what he told you, people do horrible things while on drugs. Things they would not do otherwise. I couldn’t stay with my husband while he was in a year long run; the lying to get time away to buy drugs, use drugs, staying out late with his drug friends, the money spent, etc. (And I think I got off easy compared to what a lot of other people experienced; my husband was what they call highly functional and kept up a good job and appearances, didn’t have to steal, never got in trouble with the law, etc). But despite all that, I did support him once he asked for help, did detox, and entered rehab. I will stand by him if he relapses, we also have a relapse plan in place in order to protect our son. My husband has been clean for 10 months now and is doing well.

There is a lot to consider when voluntarily getting involved with an active addict, or someone in recovery. Like I said, my husband never used drugs before we married; so if you “pick” someone who has these issues, just know it can be life altering, and you will have to take responsibility for your decision. If you want to learn more about addiction, I would suggest on this site to read many forums. Substance abuse, family of alcoholics (more working relationship there IMO) and even Secular to read about different methods of recovery. Overall, I have found government agencies, and medical associations to be the best source of accurate, unbiased information on substance abuse, treatment, and recovery.

EnglishGarden

Welcome to SR.

The difference between the disease of addiction and the disease of cancer is that in addiction the normal functioning ego is rendered helpless and paralyzed, and it is replaced by an entirely new psyche which has only one intention: to support the addiction by whatever means possible.

The disease of cancer destroys cells then tissue. But the disease of addiction destroys the healthy functioning ego and subverts it to feeding only the compulsion for drugs. This ego does not act in the interests of what is the addict's highest good and it certainly cares nothing for anyone or anything else. It takes over the person, possesses and controls the addict, and what was once perhaps a very fine human being (Dr. Jekyll) is replaced by his worst and darkest shadow self (Mr. Hyde). This phenomena of possession is not seen in cancer patients.

Dr. Carl Jung realized during his treatment of alcoholics in the 1920's and 30's that the best psychoanalysis in the world would not cure an alcoholic of this possession. The entire medical community, in fact, believed all alcoholics and drug addicts to be hopeless cases. And when Bill W.--co-founder of AA--was living with advanced alcoholism in the 1930's, he was also deemed hopeless by those who treated alcoholics (Dr. Silkworth was his doctor and he had treated hundreds of alcoholics). Bill W. was very near being committed to an asylum for life.

What Dr. Jung intuited, and conveyed in his early research, and what Bill W. and the founders of AA finally proved was that alcoholics are not hopeless cases if they forego trying to cure alcoholism by means of the ego (for it has been overtaken) but by spiritual growth and by fellowship. And that is the structure of the 12 Steps of AA.

I share this simply to say that stints in rehab and various means of detox will not, in the view of many in recovery, both addicts and professionals, relieve the addict of his compulsion if he does not work a spiritual program and is not of service to other suffering addicts. Dr. Jung felt that drinking was simply a low-level attempt to connect with the Divine. And that the answer for an alcoholic or addict is to connect with a higher power in a meaningful way in order to feed that hunger in the right way.

So if you are asking yourself whether you should stay or leave your addict who has relapsed (and relapse is very common among recovering addicts, whether they have 10 days or 10 years clean), one thing you might take a look at is how is he living between relapses? How does he take responsibility for his disease? And when he is at risk, what does he do to avoid people, places and things which could trigger relapse?

Many of us here suggest stepping away from commitment and intimacy for several months to a year while the addict finds his footing. If you can do that, and keep contact friendly but tenuous, you will take yourself out of the picture long enough to benefit you both. Addicts need to be fully self-focused in early recovery. And codependents need to let them.

blackandblue

Wow English Garden! Thanks!

allforcnm

Since I mentioned government/medical resources, I meant to attach these summaries for reference:

It is important to note that not all persons in recovery for substance abuse relapse. Nearly one-third achieve permanent abstinence from their first attempt at recovery. An additional one-third have brief periods of substance use but eventually achieve long-term abstinence, and one-third have chronic relapses that result in premature death from chemical addiction and related consequences. These statistics are consistent with the life-long recovery rates of any chronic lifestyle-related illness (HHS/SAMHSA)

Recovery: “A process of change through which an individual achieves abstinence and improved health, wellness, and quality of life” (Center for Substance Abuse Treatment).

Relapse rates for drug-addicted patients are compared with those suffering from diabetes, hypertension, and asthma. Relapse is common and similar across these illnesses (as is adherence to medication). Thus, drug addiction should be treated like any other chronic illness, with relapse serving as a trigger for renewed intervention. (NIDA- National Institute Drug Abuse)

Drug addiction = 40% - 60% relapse. This also means 40% - 60% don’t.

Type I Diabetes = 30 % - 50% relapse. This means 50% - 70% don’t.

Hypertension = 50% - 70% relapse. This means 30% - 50% don’t.

Asthma = 50% - 70% relapse. This means 30% - 50% don’t.

Substance abuse treatment refers to a broad range of activities or services, including identification of the problem (and engaging the individual in treatment); brief interventions; assessment of substance abuse and related problems including histories of various types of abuse; diagnosis of the problem(s); and treatment planning, including counseling, medical services, psychiatric services, psychological services, social services and follow-up for persons with alcohol or other drug problems (Institute of Medicine)

Substance abuse treatment may be based on one of several traditional approaches:

the Medical Model which focuses on the recognition of addiction as a bio/psycho/social disease, the need for life-long abstinence, and the use of an ongoing recovery program to maintain abstinence;

the Social Model which focuses more on the need for long-term abstinence and the need for self-help recovery groups to maintain sobriety;

the Behavioral Model which focuses more on diagnosis and treatment of other problems or conditions that can interfere with recovery (HHS/SAMHSA)

Many programs use a combination of some aspects of the various models in order to facilitate the most appropriate treatment for the individual and to give patients options.

Treatment may occur in various settings, such as inpatient, hospital-based programs; short- and long-term residential programs; or outpatient programs; and may be augmented by self-help/12-step and other support groups. Treatment may also use a combination of therapies, such as pharmacological therapy to treat certain addictions (for example the use of methadone for heroin addiction or the use of antabuse to treat alcoholism); use of psychological therapy or counseling, education and social learning theories; and non-traditional healing methods such as acupuncture.

Treatment may extend over the course of weeks, months, or years, depending on the severity of the problems and the level of burden created by clients' multiple disorders such as alcoholism, other drug addiction, HIV/AIDS, mental illness (especially depression), and serious physical illnesses.

The type and intensity of treatment depend on the patient's psychological, physical, and social problems; the stage (or severity) and type of addiction; personality traits; and social skills before the onset of addiction (HHS/SAMHSA)

Sunshine2

Thank you for this explanation EnglishGarden. I find the above very interesting. I have often thought that people use drugs as a short-cut to the sense of well-being and peace that can be achieved through meditation and prayer in various spiritual paths. This confirms that suspicion.

Lily1918

Im not perfect at all by any means, but I learn and grow every day EG is right. we have to step back and give them thier recovery time. THIS IS SO HARD!!!!!!! :,( i know cuz Im doing it now. but why is it hard?? fear. fear of relapse fear he may not come back the list of fear goes on and on, but don't give in to stinkin thinkin. hugs to you! I know how you feel.

bamboo38

Hi. Like so many of us here have said, I could have written the exact words you did... I met someone and we CLICKED, and I rarely CLICK. Within a few days he had told me all about his crack addiction and the decades he has spent in AA, spotted by relapses. He talked the talk and at that moment we met, happened to have JUST snapped out of a very very bad run. He was back on track and in a good space. I fell for him. Coming from an alcoholic household, I was not one to judge. Maybe I could learn and grow as he recovered.

Like you, I figured a relapse might come, some day, and had no idea what that would look like. No idea what crack looked like. Well, I'll spare the details but around the six month mark it happened. It was a dramatic and life altering day. He told me it was a "slip." But three weeks later, another, followed by months of lies and diversions and slimy secrets and manipulations and shifting blame and a boatload of tactics I could have never imagined. But spotted in there were good moments, and apologies, and loving gestures, and laughs. I had no idea what I was in for.

I won't go into all of it -- I've done that on these boards before -- but I guess I wanted to suggest you bow out now. Who am I to tell you what to do?! I wouldn't tell you -- just suggesting. You're in your 20s? You've got the world ahead of you. What you've got ahead of you, IMHO, is a long process or realizing signs and lies and trying to unravel them. Like you, I continually wonder about balancing loving someone with accepting that any day will be filled with lies that I don't catch on to. Then the lies get covered with more lies, and you get suspicious, but the nature of the beast is that they will NOT come clean about the lies, because they believe the lies. It's insidious. You get lulled into a comfort zone and start to believe that love can overcome all.

He's made the cancer comparison a thousand times. "You can't be mad at me for having cancer, so how cruel are you to punish me for my addictive behavior?" True, but if your true love had cancer but decided to skip chemo appointments (and lie about it), smoke cigarettes and never see a doctor, it certainly would be heartbreaking to stand by and watch him die.

If I knew then what I know now, I would have wished him luck and love and a wonderful healthy life, but moved on. Or at least I would have stayed true to myself the third, fourth, eighth, fifteenth, 20th time I let him convince me that the sun was the moon, or vice versa. Waiting for the other shoe to drop is not a joyous way to live your life.

All the best to you, good luck. It's NOT easy, when you love someone.

constantlylearn

What bamboo38 said is right on the money.

I have a very similar story but here's the kicker - he hasn't relapsed (that I know of), but he's still a liar, manipulator, theif, and cruel. Truth be told if they don't work on recovering WHY they do the drugs their behaviour will NOT change. They will still act addicted even if they haven't used because they're not healing. I wish I would've run the first time I knew or maybe even when he almost put me in federal prison. I wish I wouldve had the SELF worth I begged him to see in himself, Iif only I couodve begged myself to see it in me.

Living in the unknown isn't fun, I was always wondering when I would have the DEA at my door next.

constantlylearn

So, remember when I said he hasn't relapsed?

He just text me. He has.

I did it for a year. You have 5 months in - just think about what another 7 months can do to you as a person.

lightseeker

nothing says you have to officially marry someone. I wish that I had just been VERY unofficial with my now ex husband. Maybe you could have a non-legal commitment ceremony instead of becoming yoked in the eyes of the state. At least then if things don't go well you will not be taken down financially.

I paid an extremely high price financially for marrying my beloved...who quickly turned into my very not beloved within the 1st month of our marriage. Funny how that happens. I lived and learned.

I'm not saying that people in recovery shouldn't marry....but I sure would wait for at least 5 years to make sure that they were working a recovery program. But that's just me and my hard earned ESH.