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In a quandary..

Old 01-27-2013, 07:32 AM
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Unhappy In a quandary..

Hi all. I've lurked around for a long while here but never posted. I lurked under a different name for much longer than the current one but forgot my password and re-registered.

I am having a very difficult time deciding what to do as far as supporting recovery for my son's opiate addiction.

Son is 26, DOC is opiates (roxies). Been an addict for at least 7 years. No arrests, DWI, or legal problems.

Went to an inpatient 2wk rehab in 2009 or 10 followed by a month of crappy IOP.
April 2011 had a 28 day rehab followed by 90 for 90 meetings. Relapsed probably right out of rehab.
December 2011:Things escalated until he was shooting up. Back in a 28 day followed by an excellent IOP program. He was living at home during IOP and we drug tested regularly.
Finished IOP in March or April of 2012 and got a job through a temp agency. Stopped going to meetings because of working 12 hr night [email protected]/wk.

He was planning on moving out on his own in July. Came home drunk a couple of days before move date. I should have put him out that night but his car was still in my name for insurance savings. I didn't want the liability of him driving a car in my name so I transferred the title over to him.

Moved out. The temp job became permanent with the parent company and he was making good money for HS education + 1yr of flunked college.

Jan 1 he had to move out because he couldn't pay rent and moved into a house with is old using buddy and the family. This is temporary till maybe mid Feb. He has 3 payday loans, car title loan, no money, ruined credit and no place to live soon. All his friends have distanced themselves so he can't even couch surf.

Here is my quandary:
When he moved out this past summer I knew he was using. I always told him that if he wanted help with his recovery I would do my best to help. I suggested he think about Suboxone or inpatient again and would help pay if I could afford it (which I can't really but would anyway).

We have a really good inpatient rehab in town (30 day inpatient, 45 day residential PHP followed by long term sober living housing for aftercare). Great program. I would be willing to send him to this and think he needs the long term immersion in a program.

Yesterday he came to our house and told us he has decided he needs to go on Suboxone maintenance, see his therapist, and go to meetings.

Now that his back is against the wall I think he is way past this being a viable plan, yet I have suggested many times in the past that he consider it and offered to pay to get him started on it (before he had insurance)

I have a feeling he's just wanting to get straighted up enough that he can get his finances and housing in order so he can go back to using. Right now hes buying Subs on the street. (so says he)

I don't know what to do.
When we as friends and family say we support the addicts in their recovery, is an intervention and provided treatment just another form of enabling?

I know that the addicts need to own their recovery, but when they just put $20K of opiates up their nose in the last 6 months are they really in a position to make a rational decision about their recovery needs?

Thanks for letting me vent.









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Old 01-27-2013, 07:56 AM
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Hi confused.

I bet you are confused.

From what you have posted , it seems like your son has had lots of opportunities to clean things up and get his life back on track.

If he wants to go on subox for maintainece, then he needs to be working with a doctor, he is an addict , buying on the streets, not a good combo.

You are in a very difficult situation, but in all honesty I seems like you intervene right before he can hit bottom. Not sure, but it feels like after all the opportunities he has had, he is not focussed on sobriety but instead, continuing drug use.

What are you boundries??

I'm sorry that you are faced with so many terribly heart wrenching decisions, but his life, at some point needs to be in his own hands.
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Old 01-27-2013, 09:16 AM
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Hi Confused, addiction sure is expensive isn't it? I am sorry that you are struggling financially with this problem. Not only do we worry about the health and safety of our addicts, but then we must worry whether we have the financial means to help them and then whether its in the addict's best interest for us to help them. Ugh.

Does the inpatient facility that you mention offer a suboxone maintenance program? It sounds as though your son needs a maintenance program to stay clean. That's not unusual. In October, 2012, Hazeldon finally started a maintenance program because of the high relapse rate it was seeing in its patients.

As mentioned by Katie, you may first try to find an addiction doctor who prescribes suboxone. In a recent study by Yale, they found that the success rate for addicts receiving maintenance treatment alone without counseling, was similar to addicts receiving the drug AND counseling. So it may be less expensive to just find a good addiction doctor who is licensed to prescribe suboxone.

In the end and in my opinion there is no treatment that works for all addicts. Of course that makes it harder, you and your son will have to ultimately make the decision as to the best treatment. However, as all say here, nothing will work until your son absolutely, positively wants to get clean.

My thoughts are with you and your son.
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Old 01-28-2013, 09:34 AM
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This sounds very familiar. Those front row seats are hard to give up.

He's been to several rehabs and already learned what he needs to know.

Stop doing drugs and work an active recovery or your life will suck.

He knows who to call and where to go. It's free.

When he is truly ready, he will stop.

I recommend reading up on detachment instead of driving yourself crazy and depleting your funds.
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Old 01-28-2013, 09:47 AM
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Ok, I'm not saying I KNOW what your son's motives are, but I've been down this road at least 10x with my 22 yo AS. I am interpreting your son's "plan" as a way to get you hooked into his welfare. "The Plan" is one he knows you're on board with so he can definetely use that to get some leverage and gain your sympathies for whatever situation in which he finds himself in the next few months. Subs can be sold on the street for his DOC, of course. They do it all the time.

He's 26 and has a job. This would be an excellent point for you to memorize and use the phrase, "That must be hard for you. I'm sure you will figure something out."

And, by the way, you are allowed to change your mind about paying for rehab/detox and spend the money on a nice vacation for yourself instead.

Just my $0.02.
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Old 01-28-2013, 10:26 AM
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i agree with the above, there are free programs, and long term ones at the sending you hugs. Im sorry for your pain :,(
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Old 01-28-2013, 01:02 PM
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As a recovered heroin addict and a loved one of addicts, I can tell you that there is nothing more that you can do to help him. He has basically be given numerous opportunities to try all different programs and yet he made the choice not to embrace them.

He isn't going to learn anything new at another rehab, he has already been to enough to learn what rehab teaches. Now he needs to want recovery more than anything, and apply what he has learned.

Have you thought about setting boundaries with your son? It sounds like he knows how to get you wrapped up in his recovery by promising to do this or that, when you know from the past he never follows through with it. He is draining you for every penny you have, if he really decides he wants to get sober, there are plenty of free resources.

Maybe you should take a little vacation to clear your head and just relax. Loving an addict can drain the life out of us, it is important we remember that we are important too.
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Old 01-28-2013, 02:17 PM
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Originally Posted by Cornfused View Post


We have a really good inpatient rehab in town (30 day inpatient, 45 day residential PHP followed by long term sober living housing for aftercare). Great program. I would be willing to send him to this and think he needs the long term immersion in a program.

Yesterday he came to our house and told us he has decided he needs to go on Suboxone maintenance, see his therapist, and go to meetings.

Now that his back is against the wall I think he is way past this being a viable plan, yet I have suggested many times in the past that he consider it and offered to pay to get him started on it (before he had insurance)

I have a feeling he's just wanting to get straighted up enough that he can get his finances and housing in order so he can go back to using. Right now hes buying Subs on the street. (so says he)

I don't know what to do.
When we as friends and family say we support the addicts in their recovery, is an intervention and provided treatment just another form of enabling?

I know that the addicts need to own their recovery, but when they just put $20K of opiates up their nose in the last 6 months are they really in a position to make a rational decision about their recovery needs?

Thanks for letting me vent.


Im not an expert, but my opinion is that people who are using extreme amounts of drugs are not capable of making fully rational decisions. They may be able to make a decision, but not able to adequately evaluate the options, and think of proper questions and outcomes.

There are also different views on enabling. I think you have to look at what your intended goal is. Some will say that all that matters is you do not enable the drug use (which is what I primarily believe), but others will say that they want their child to be fully independent and not requesting help of any kind from them; so no help with looking for treatment, no access to a computer in their home, no driving them to treatment, etc. This area is where I feel it is up to individual choice. Also I have come to understand from readign here, many parents spent years trying to help in numerous ways, and they did not get their expected outcome, and have therefore stiffened their personal boundaries. There is truly no right or wrong answer on this.
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Old 01-29-2013, 12:29 PM
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Cornfused,

I'm so terribly sorry for the circumstances that have brought to post here, but, Welcome to SR. Here you will find many others struggling with family and friends who are struggling with addiction. I would strongly encourage you to check out NarAnon and/or AlAnon meetings for yourself.

My 32 yr. old son is what brought me here. He is currently 3.5 years sober. But I have personally been to hell and back with my addiction to him, my enabling him, my love for him, etc.

I will post more later, but I just wanted to say "Hi" and "Welcome, you are among friends here."
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Old 02-10-2013, 08:01 AM
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Hi all,

Thank you all for your opinions and comments. I can not tell you how much support and insight I get from reading the SR forums. I wish I had more to contribute but it really isn't my style. I even tend to pass at the Al-anon and Nar-anon meetings as well.

Just a quick update: I told my son that Suboxone was no longer an option from my end. A week later he said he wanted to go into a long term rehab for at least 6 months followed by a sober living for as long as necessary.
Monday 2/4 I drove him to rehab and he checked himself into a Relapse Recovery inpatient program.

Talked to him last night. He is out of detox and in the inpatient facilities. Visiting him today to get him to sign some work related papers.
We'll see how it goes.

Thanks again.
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Old 02-10-2013, 10:06 AM
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Originally Posted by BeavsDad View Post
This sounds very familiar. Those front row seats are hard to give up.

He's been to several rehabs and already learned what he needs to know.

Stop doing drugs and work an active recovery or your life will suck.

He knows who to call and where to go. It's free.

When he is truly ready, he will stop.

I recommend reading up on detachment instead of driving yourself crazy and depleting your funds.
Hear hear! Please read every word of this. It is golden.


What he needs is a list of local shelters with addresses and phone numbers.

It is perfect timing for you to detach with love. Recovery doesn't have to come with a high price tag and a long term prescription.

And in his situation 28 days is probably not going to be enough to make a permanent change. It seems like you are in the perfect moment to let him go so be can get the help he really needs. He's been around the recovery community long enough to know how to get help.

I know how hard it is to let go, so against all common sense but it is what works.
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Old 02-10-2013, 11:08 AM
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Originally Posted by Cornfused View Post
Hi all,

Thank you all for your opinions and comments. I can not tell you how much support and insight I get from reading the SR forums. I wish I had more to contribute but it really isn't my style. I even tend to pass at the Al-anon and Nar-anon meetings as well.

Just a quick update: I told my son that Suboxone was no longer an option from my end. A week later he said he wanted to go into a long term rehab for at least 6 months followed by a sober living for as long as necessary.
Monday 2/4 I drove him to rehab and he checked himself into a Relapse Recovery inpatient program.

Talked to him last night. He is out of detox and in the inpatient facilities. Visiting him today to get him to sign some work related papers.
We'll see how it goes.

Thanks again.
Great news! Thank you for the update. My prayers are with you all.
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