Lunch or no lunch?
One day at a time
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Finally in reality
Posts: 67
Lunch or no lunch?
Hi All,
So its been a while since I last wrote a post I've been reading and gathering encouragement from the current posts. I'm having a hard time, let me tell you why...
My Aexbf has really put me through a lot. He stole from me, nearly put me in federal prison, he's yelled, he's accused me of cheating etc. He had been terrible toward me.
He went to rehab for three months that he "blames" me for. He says it was prison and that he's scarred for life. He won't do NA or AA or CR or counseling or anything! He says he will do counseling then he stops going.
With that said he broke up with me two weeks ago - he said I needed to "get healthy" and prioritize my life. He's upset because I work out of town three days a week and have a lot of duties outside the 8-5...
He didn't talk to me for two days then text me and asked how I was. I didn't reply until the next day well at that point he was acting oddly he was saying we could just have friend sex and he wanted pictures etc. I said no he was put off obviously and didn't talk to me. Well now he wants to have lunch and I don't know what to say or do?
He also said that he wants to drink with me occasionally...what? He says opiate addiction vs. Alcohol are two completely different things and he's being too cautious about drinking. Wth?
I love him, but am I going down a bad path here by going to lunch? I want him to get his life together and join some sort of recovery group.
He causes me drama in my life, consistantly and i dont know what to do. Im confused.
So its been a while since I last wrote a post I've been reading and gathering encouragement from the current posts. I'm having a hard time, let me tell you why...
My Aexbf has really put me through a lot. He stole from me, nearly put me in federal prison, he's yelled, he's accused me of cheating etc. He had been terrible toward me.
He went to rehab for three months that he "blames" me for. He says it was prison and that he's scarred for life. He won't do NA or AA or CR or counseling or anything! He says he will do counseling then he stops going.
With that said he broke up with me two weeks ago - he said I needed to "get healthy" and prioritize my life. He's upset because I work out of town three days a week and have a lot of duties outside the 8-5...
He didn't talk to me for two days then text me and asked how I was. I didn't reply until the next day well at that point he was acting oddly he was saying we could just have friend sex and he wanted pictures etc. I said no he was put off obviously and didn't talk to me. Well now he wants to have lunch and I don't know what to say or do?
He also said that he wants to drink with me occasionally...what? He says opiate addiction vs. Alcohol are two completely different things and he's being too cautious about drinking. Wth?
I love him, but am I going down a bad path here by going to lunch? I want him to get his life together and join some sort of recovery group.
He causes me drama in my life, consistantly and i dont know what to do. Im confused.
The sun still shines
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
Originally Posted by constantlylearn 
He causes me drama in my life, consistantly and i dont know what to do. Im confused.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 120
Constantlylearn,
Hi dear lunch, dinner, breakfast, snacks...... if you want to you will!!!! The question is more one of is this relationship healthy for me? I can tell you from my experience that your "ex" did not do anything to you, you allowed him to effect your life negatively, by being and staying in a relationship wity him! Don't get me wrong love, I don't want to be crass or harsh sounding, but you have experienced some pretty close calls because of someone elses choices!?!? To me the federal stuff would of scared the ship out of me..... but that's me!
Look here's the deal, when someone you love has a addiction problem, it effects everyone they come into contact with! The question is are you healthy enough spiritually, mentally and emotionally to not be sucked into the "addiction trap"? Are you strong enough to take care of you, emotionally, spiritually and mentally and stay true to your values and beliefs without compromising? Can you listen to your "gut" and to what or not do what your gut is telling you? Do you understand addiction? And how it effects the addict and loved ones?
Do you have a support network in place? Alanon or naranon have you visited there? This really is not about lunch or no lunch this about being involved with a addict recovering or not, and how does one take care of their self weather the addict uses or not!
I did not know how to do any of this before I fell in love with an addict and certainly when surrounded by the chaos addiction brings well...... I sank right along with him! Because ii was never tought how to take care of me! I did not know how to focus on myself! I was a "victim" and had the "poor me" role down to a "T"! I could not stay true to myself because I did not know who I was! And ohce I began to understand me I realized how "broken" I was, how hurt I had been by growing up in chaos! So naturally this (addiction lifestyle) was "normal" chaos, fear, uncertainties, frustration, anger, sadness, confusion. It was not until I went to alnon that my perspective changed! My understanding and awareness of me and the addict was revealed! I got a new set of tools to live my life and make decisions for my life that were good for me! Learing how and what enabling was!
I know you wanted answers about going to lunch or not, but I can't give you that answer! That's your choice! I gave you my experience and my understanding of what happened to me while loving and living with active addiction!
I know this may seem llike alot and more than you asked for, but it is so important to understand what your up against! You can't control it, you did not cause it and you can't cure it! Its baffling at best! Addiction! And unless you get some help you will be as sick if not sicker than the addict!
I strongly encourage you to go to some meetings alanon, naranon and see if you like it! The blame placed towards you is a tool used by the addict to keep you stuck and feel guilty so he can stay in denial and not look at himself! He has his own journey and so do you!
Living a life that has peace is something I can do today, but I had to heal, grow and change with the help of God and supprot from the 12 step program of alnon and listening to others that had been where I was!
Im glad your searching for answers and questioning what and if this relationship is good for you! You would not be here if you thought it was. You questioning even if you should have lunch with him is you knowing something in your "gut" is trying to get your attention! What are your boundries? We have them to protect us!
It takes time and work to make changes and the willingness to want a better life! You will get the answers you need and seek! Ask God to help you! Say the serenity prayer as a start! It helped and helps me when I don't even know what to pray for or how to pray! When I have to accept things that I can not change!
Be kind to yourself, love yourself have patience with this process but above all embrace it! I promise you on everything I love, things will get better and you will find peace and happiness if you let go and let God! Just for today! One day at a time!
Praying for you and your loved one!
Hi dear lunch, dinner, breakfast, snacks...... if you want to you will!!!! The question is more one of is this relationship healthy for me? I can tell you from my experience that your "ex" did not do anything to you, you allowed him to effect your life negatively, by being and staying in a relationship wity him! Don't get me wrong love, I don't want to be crass or harsh sounding, but you have experienced some pretty close calls because of someone elses choices!?!? To me the federal stuff would of scared the ship out of me..... but that's me!
Look here's the deal, when someone you love has a addiction problem, it effects everyone they come into contact with! The question is are you healthy enough spiritually, mentally and emotionally to not be sucked into the "addiction trap"? Are you strong enough to take care of you, emotionally, spiritually and mentally and stay true to your values and beliefs without compromising? Can you listen to your "gut" and to what or not do what your gut is telling you? Do you understand addiction? And how it effects the addict and loved ones?
Do you have a support network in place? Alanon or naranon have you visited there? This really is not about lunch or no lunch this about being involved with a addict recovering or not, and how does one take care of their self weather the addict uses or not!
I did not know how to do any of this before I fell in love with an addict and certainly when surrounded by the chaos addiction brings well...... I sank right along with him! Because ii was never tought how to take care of me! I did not know how to focus on myself! I was a "victim" and had the "poor me" role down to a "T"! I could not stay true to myself because I did not know who I was! And ohce I began to understand me I realized how "broken" I was, how hurt I had been by growing up in chaos! So naturally this (addiction lifestyle) was "normal" chaos, fear, uncertainties, frustration, anger, sadness, confusion. It was not until I went to alnon that my perspective changed! My understanding and awareness of me and the addict was revealed! I got a new set of tools to live my life and make decisions for my life that were good for me! Learing how and what enabling was!
I know you wanted answers about going to lunch or not, but I can't give you that answer! That's your choice! I gave you my experience and my understanding of what happened to me while loving and living with active addiction!
I know this may seem llike alot and more than you asked for, but it is so important to understand what your up against! You can't control it, you did not cause it and you can't cure it! Its baffling at best! Addiction! And unless you get some help you will be as sick if not sicker than the addict!
I strongly encourage you to go to some meetings alanon, naranon and see if you like it! The blame placed towards you is a tool used by the addict to keep you stuck and feel guilty so he can stay in denial and not look at himself! He has his own journey and so do you!
Living a life that has peace is something I can do today, but I had to heal, grow and change with the help of God and supprot from the 12 step program of alnon and listening to others that had been where I was!
Im glad your searching for answers and questioning what and if this relationship is good for you! You would not be here if you thought it was. You questioning even if you should have lunch with him is you knowing something in your "gut" is trying to get your attention! What are your boundries? We have them to protect us!
It takes time and work to make changes and the willingness to want a better life! You will get the answers you need and seek! Ask God to help you! Say the serenity prayer as a start! It helped and helps me when I don't even know what to pray for or how to pray! When I have to accept things that I can not change!
Be kind to yourself, love yourself have patience with this process but above all embrace it! I promise you on everything I love, things will get better and you will find peace and happiness if you let go and let God! Just for today! One day at a time!
Praying for you and your loved one!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 81
This guy shows a ton of signs of abusive/controlling behavior based on the OP.
1. Stole from you (OK this is what addicts do, but he's not a safe man)
2. Nearly put you in prison
3. Accused you of cheating (often a projection, they're really the ones cheating)
4. Been terrible to you
5. Blames you for his negative feelings toward rehab (doesn't sound like a guy who will recover, he's angry about being there and not taking personal responsibility for why he's there)
6. His "blaming you" is emotional abuse!
7. If he's upset that you work out of town etc, breaks up with you for it, he's controlling. He wants to put pressure on you so you'll give all your time to him and nothing else for YOU or others. If you marry him, this will magnify 50x.
8. He still wants to have sex, because it's something "in it for him" but he doesn't want to give you the commitment part of the relationship at this time. Or commit to recovery or treating you well.
9. Lunch invite is a bait. He wants to "hoover" you back into the drama, start the cycle all over again.
10. Wants to drink with you, drinking is for an addict high risk for a substitute addiction! Addicts are addicts because they want to numb themselves, it's highly unlikely he could be a moderate drinker. Drinking with YOU makes you more vulnerable to his control and abuse, btw. Easier to coerce you into letting go of your boundaries, easier to get you into trouble.
He broke up with you, so he's in control of the relationship status - he's in a one-up position, yet he's treating you like he doesn't have to suffer the consequences of breaking off the relationship. Lunch is his foot in the door to sex. You said no, so he's trying another way in.
It may feel scary to be alone for the moment, but think of all the trouble he has put you through and ask yourself if he deserves your time or body. There are good guys out there that can treat you right. You are worthy of a better relationship.
Hugs.
1. Stole from you (OK this is what addicts do, but he's not a safe man)
2. Nearly put you in prison
3. Accused you of cheating (often a projection, they're really the ones cheating)
4. Been terrible to you
5. Blames you for his negative feelings toward rehab (doesn't sound like a guy who will recover, he's angry about being there and not taking personal responsibility for why he's there)
6. His "blaming you" is emotional abuse!
7. If he's upset that you work out of town etc, breaks up with you for it, he's controlling. He wants to put pressure on you so you'll give all your time to him and nothing else for YOU or others. If you marry him, this will magnify 50x.
8. He still wants to have sex, because it's something "in it for him" but he doesn't want to give you the commitment part of the relationship at this time. Or commit to recovery or treating you well.
9. Lunch invite is a bait. He wants to "hoover" you back into the drama, start the cycle all over again.
10. Wants to drink with you, drinking is for an addict high risk for a substitute addiction! Addicts are addicts because they want to numb themselves, it's highly unlikely he could be a moderate drinker. Drinking with YOU makes you more vulnerable to his control and abuse, btw. Easier to coerce you into letting go of your boundaries, easier to get you into trouble.
He broke up with you, so he's in control of the relationship status - he's in a one-up position, yet he's treating you like he doesn't have to suffer the consequences of breaking off the relationship. Lunch is his foot in the door to sex. You said no, so he's trying another way in.
It may feel scary to be alone for the moment, but think of all the trouble he has put you through and ask yourself if he deserves your time or body. There are good guys out there that can treat you right. You are worthy of a better relationship.
Hugs.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
No is a complete sentence. Its very empowering too. I just hope you decide to use it. You are not a vivtim anymore, you are a willing participant in this very dangerous game. A game where there will be no winners. 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
In my experience when our A's ask us to lunch they are usually hoping that seeing them that day will get us hooked.
I'm sure he would be charming and nice at lunch and he will do this to make you second guess everything you know to be true. Addicts don't like to be ignored, and asking to see you is a way to make sure he has your attention.
I would personally not go to protect my own sanity and stay away from the mind games. If you do go, just make sure you don't fall back into the trap.
I'm sure he would be charming and nice at lunch and he will do this to make you second guess everything you know to be true. Addicts don't like to be ignored, and asking to see you is a way to make sure he has your attention.
I would personally not go to protect my own sanity and stay away from the mind games. If you do go, just make sure you don't fall back into the trap.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
"No Contact!" is what's screaming out to me after reading your post...
If you should decide to choose that, you have some great support here. I have seen it in action lately.
Take care of Your Self, and I meant that as two words. Seems more powerful that way.
If you should decide to choose that, you have some great support here. I have seen it in action lately.
Take care of Your Self, and I meant that as two words. Seems more powerful that way.
One day at a time
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Finally in reality
Posts: 67
Well, I decided to say no to lunch and I told him that I believe that perhaps we should not talk until he graduates college and figures himself out more. He screamed and cried and begged me to be worth him telling me "I'll do whatever it takes" I told him "no you won't because if you were willing you would've already done what needed to be done." He proceeded to tell me that he's making "progress" and that's all that matters, at least he's better than he was and learning to accept what is my life.
So I said that was great that he's learning that and I hope he continues to while he graduates. That upset him. He said that I don't give him enough time and me telling him this ruined his day. I told him how ruined his own day by breaking up with me and being so cruel to my heart that he chose this. He promised me he wouldn't break up with me again, and yet...he did. I can't keep letting him have my heart to play with like a toy, I'm a human being.
So he asked for goodbye sex, I told him no, I wasn't going to give part of myself to him again. Honestly I was scared of the connection or causes I knew afterward I couldn't hold my line.
Well, he drove by my house and my neighbor was over and he text me saying "that's why you won't come over you're fing ____. I fing hate you!" I replied "you know full well that, that isn't the case. I don'tdeserve to be accused nor do iI deserve to be belittled and cussed at. I don't want to talk to you anymore."
He waited two hours and replied "you're right that was uncalled for. Maybe we can hang out tomorrow or something. Goodnight sweetie!" I didn't reply
Today he text "you said you might get a job transfer, where would you prefer to move to?" I didn't reply
So far I'm still in that angry period where he attacked my values, tried to manipulate and use me for sex, and then harass me. But o know it'll change and I'll feel sadness and want to talk but that's what SR is for. To help.
I believe he isn't using drugs but he's not actively trying to recover and create a better life.
I want to thank you all so much, he's abusive and I need to run. If when he graduates he proves he's taken many steps toward being healthy perhaps, but I'm not expecting anything. For now it's time for Self.
Surely, love isn't abusive, I'm OK waiting on that.
So I said that was great that he's learning that and I hope he continues to while he graduates. That upset him. He said that I don't give him enough time and me telling him this ruined his day. I told him how ruined his own day by breaking up with me and being so cruel to my heart that he chose this. He promised me he wouldn't break up with me again, and yet...he did. I can't keep letting him have my heart to play with like a toy, I'm a human being.
So he asked for goodbye sex, I told him no, I wasn't going to give part of myself to him again. Honestly I was scared of the connection or causes I knew afterward I couldn't hold my line.
Well, he drove by my house and my neighbor was over and he text me saying "that's why you won't come over you're fing ____. I fing hate you!" I replied "you know full well that, that isn't the case. I don'tdeserve to be accused nor do iI deserve to be belittled and cussed at. I don't want to talk to you anymore."
He waited two hours and replied "you're right that was uncalled for. Maybe we can hang out tomorrow or something. Goodnight sweetie!" I didn't reply
Today he text "you said you might get a job transfer, where would you prefer to move to?" I didn't reply
So far I'm still in that angry period where he attacked my values, tried to manipulate and use me for sex, and then harass me. But o know it'll change and I'll feel sadness and want to talk but that's what SR is for. To help.
I believe he isn't using drugs but he's not actively trying to recover and create a better life.
I want to thank you all so much, he's abusive and I need to run. If when he graduates he proves he's taken many steps toward being healthy perhaps, but I'm not expecting anything. For now it's time for Self.
Surely, love isn't abusive, I'm OK waiting on that.
One day at a time
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Finally in reality
Posts: 67
I agree. I almost lost joy about my job transfer and promotion because I was so lost on the idea of him! So far so good NC day 1. Here we go!
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow
Going NC is for you. It's stops the whole insanity. NC sounds like a good idea!!
One day at a time
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Finally in reality
Posts: 67
Originally Posted by Momzo
Two words...no contact. He doesn't respect you. I went through that mind game stuff before. It's mentally exhausting!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 156
Yes...he's active. If I stood up for myself or said no to him...then the bad texts would come, followed by nice ones. I feel for that the first time I kicked him out which was almost two years ago. I took him back. He said he'll change...he didn't. I kicked him out for the final time before Christmas. It's hard. I was NC until he texted me...he texts are immature. Calling me good girl, babe, baby, blah blah blah....he needs to get his belongings from my garage. He's doing that this coming Friday. After then...I have NO reason to talk to him. I need to heal before I can see or talk to him. I still have too many emotions going on. I want to get to the point where I can see him and not have any feeling.
They are manipulative and mean...especially when they don't get their way!
You can do it. It's hard but you can do it. It gets easier everyday. I feel better not having all of that negativeness around. No fighting, no name calling, no drama.
I realize what I do miss is the fantasy I fabricated thinking we could have the perfect relationship! Boy was I wrong!
They are manipulative and mean...especially when they don't get their way!
You can do it. It's hard but you can do it. It gets easier everyday. I feel better not having all of that negativeness around. No fighting, no name calling, no drama
. I realize what I do miss is the fantasy I fabricated thinking we could have the perfect relationship! Boy was I wrong!
One day at a time
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Finally in reality
Posts: 67
I realize I was blind. He needs to get healed, and now I have to, too. I won't do this again. I'm worth more! We all are! I took the initial steps of deleting texts, pictures, emails etc so I don't romanticize everything that happened. The only one I kept is the one that hurts the worst I'll read it when I want to text him back. For now I hurt all over because I was pretty sure that he was the one I wanted for life, but the one I want for life won't treat me like this...ever. he begged for one too many chances and finally with the help of every courageous man and woman addict and codie on this board I can do it.
I have hope.
I have hope.
One day at a time
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Finally in reality
Posts: 67
So, I want NC. That's what I've chosen.
How long do you do that for? Until you feel nothing anymore? I'm confused, I've tried (and failed) to do NC once before but he got me back with the baby I love you...I can be better etc.
Also: once NC is over what type of things would you use to evaluate?
Mine are
- are you working a program?
- what steps have you taken to help yourself?
If I am ever going to talk to him again I would like to at least know hehas made some sort of real effort rather than blaming me for everything all the time.
How long do you do that for? Until you feel nothing anymore? I'm confused, I've tried (and failed) to do NC once before but he got me back with the baby I love you...I can be better etc.
Also: once NC is over what type of things would you use to evaluate?
Mine are
- are you working a program?
- what steps have you taken to help yourself?
If I am ever going to talk to him again I would like to at least know hehas made some sort of real effort rather than blaming me for everything all the time.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 156
Constantlylearn, for me NC will go until my boundaries are in place and I have no remorse, no bitterness, no anger...etc...towards him, and me. I'm more mad at myself now than him! I'm not going to beat myself up about it.
My exab got me back the last time by texting me those sweet texts...but those sweet texts came after very very mean ones. He promised he would change, my forgiving butt believed him. You and I can't think them..if you and I screw up and say we will do better, we mean it. We are not manipulative, we are not addicts. We can never understand how they are.
Do good for you now. I bought 'codependent no more' for my iPad from the kindle app. This book is helping me realize why I was sooooo angry. I use to be very happy, upbeat chick! I'm getting back to me. I'm giving myself time to heal. Try it 😄
IMO you need to let go. Don't worry or wonder if he's getting help...you're still holding on...let go.
My exab got me back the last time by texting me those sweet texts...but those sweet texts came after very very mean ones. He promised he would change, my forgiving butt believed him. You and I can't think them..if you and I screw up and say we will do better, we mean it. We are not manipulative, we are not addicts. We can never understand how they are.
Do good for you now. I bought 'codependent no more' for my iPad from the kindle app. This book is helping me realize why I was sooooo angry. I use to be very happy, upbeat chick! I'm getting back to me. I'm giving myself time to heal. Try it 😄
IMO you need to let go. Don't worry or wonder if he's getting help...you're still holding on...let go.
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