Lily1918

today my battle was that I got an unexpected phone call from the SA ARC.

BF is doing well. thriving. seeking friendships with counsellors, and volunteering etc he was quoted at saying " when Im here Im who I want to be. It makes me want to stay..." He said " BF has a strong relationship with the Lord. That is rare for us to see here for someone just entering our program. HURRAY! <<--- was the attitude of the man on the phone so here I am obsessing again.

*does this counsellor have the skills to see if this is genuine?
*why did they call when I am only a secondary emergency contact?
*he knows about the relationship, therefore my codependency. right?
*he must have thought this was healthy to share with me... right?
* is it real?
* did BF beg borrow and manipulate them to call me?

and as Im writing this his mom calls and she got a letter and in it he asked her to tell me he loves me and misses me and thinks of me. and now Im sad that no letter has come for me and I can't figure out why I even give a crap. thanks everyone for reading. Im finding myself crying again. screw codependency I hate it.

Kindeyes

My son is also in SA-ARC right now. Although I have received a couple of calls from my son in the last two months, I have not received any from anyone at the facility. And I haven't called them. I am basically giving it up to God. My son (just like your bf) is in a place where he can get the help he needs. He is safe. He is not using. He is surrounded by people going through the same thing as he is. He has access to meetings continually. His spiritual deficit is being nurtured back to health. He is eating well and on a regular basis. He is working and his days are very structured.. He is learning how to live day in and day out with others who are experiencing the same struggles. He has access to counseling--one-on-one as well as group counseling. But through these struggles he is also laughing and playing games (they are currently in a Wii competition with SA-ARCs all across the country).

Relax.....breathe....I hope that you'll take this time while things are positive for him and work toward some positives for you. You're worth it and you deserve it.

gentle hugs
ke

Lily1918

Im floored. I can't imagine why they would have called to update me. Im angry now. I hadn't prepared myself for that. calls from his mom. sure. grandma? ya. even him. I feel sabotoged, and upset. and just trying to work through my feelings thank you kindeyes big hugs to you. Im mad because I was doing well today until now then bam!!! I dont know how to stop thinking about it now that its in my head. so Im cleaning the house. at this rate it will be ready for Martha Stewart by morning. I feel its the only thing I can do for me NOW. in this moment, even though I can't stop obsessing. wow. this is a great learning experience. I really am addicted to him, and my desire for him to be sober and love me and the children. I want it so bad i can't believe it. Im trying. I don't want to be this way. this is why No Contact is awesome. one is too many and a thousand is never enough.

Ilovemysonjj

Lily, perhaps you could let the counselors know that you don't want/need to be contacted unless there is an emergency and they cannot reach your A's primary emergency. Hang in there, it's tough.
TT

dollydo

Strange to me. Are you sure the call was from SA-ARC, and not one of his friends? I have never heard of one calling a girlfriend and...then the mentioning of his strong belief in the Lord...your BF knows of your strong religious beliefs, and what hooks you...just sounds fishy to me.

Probably just me.

Take this time for you, build your confidence and self esteem and get that raging codependency under control, I know that you can do this.

Lily1918

I have never heard of those before either I've been entertang that suspicion as well. wwhich is why The bullet points are worded that way. doesn't make sense. why would a facility call someone who they are sure is a codie like that. somethings not quite right. but his "friends" on the outside are missed he went to rehab so Im thinking he made a new friend on the inside who can get calls to call me and say these things. why? Because he can't, but if that was the case, why couldn't he just be like "hi Im bob your BFs roommate" I want to call the desk and tell them the name of the person who called me and tell them the situation, but more of me wants to just forget about it and let it go.

Lily1918

update: the call was real, and approved by the manager, even though out of the ordinary. The boo required his sheet music to play for church seeing as how it wasn't clothes or ciggs I decided it was ok to bring the music. I wouldn't want only a hymnal either. Anyhow, the moment I walked in the door guess who walked out of the psychiatrists office? yup. it was him. he smiled, waved and said "wow god is good. I love you" then continued on his way. there is no way he could have manipulated this. I am unemployed because of my own foolish codie behaviors like rescuing and protecting, have had no contact with him until seeing his face yesterday. I also did not tell the desk what time I would be coming. or that I was coming at all. It was a twist of fate. I spoke with the manager as suggested and told him of my codependency, and basically shared what it did to me. he said " he told us you were working your own program, and didn't let it go during your relapse and his. you own your role. I commend you madam. so many women come in thinking nothing is thier fault. Im sorry to have triggered you. my intention was that at this point in your recovery I figured you were obsessing anyway, and wanted to give you hope." I explained how I felt it fed my terminal uniqueness I have been working through. then he seemed to understand and replied " ahhh T U is VERY dangerous for codependent with and actively addicted spouse. that is VERY true, and wise of you to work through that, but you need to know, I and the staff believe he is in active recovery. I like to think myself a good judge. I see people go through the motions all the time. we have no intention of contacting you again, but please come to the family seminar if you are able. are you allowing him to write you?" I said yes of course and wished him a good day and walked out the door speechless and that baby pink in the sky turned flourescen, and brighter and felt more stable. It does not change the fact that it is the pink cloud. but still

allforcnm

Lily,

Of course I agree that you must put your emotional needs first, but please understand that you do not have to give up hope that your boyfriend will recover. He admitted he had a problem, and he asked for help. I highly commend him for this - it is a huge step. Yes he has a long way to go, but that does not need to take away the success of today.

The thing with hope is this.... There is a hopeful fantasy where no action, or steps are being taken to make the wish/want come true. Then, there is hope based on methodical planning, effort, work, and determination. There is a huge difference. (I think this is what your boyfriends counselor was trying to share with you; he see's hope & real potential).

I know with codependency a person can easily get lost in the hope and go kinda wild projecting into the future, but IMO it is just as unhealthy to deny hope; to deny what you see happening out of being in a fearful state for what the future may hold. There needs to be a healthy balance; one extreme is just as bad as the other. So keep working on your emotional health, and whatever the outcome with your boyfriend- you will be ok. I really liked what he told you (if I quote it right); your boyfriend said in a kind way that while he is in rehab, you will also be getting a chance to rehabilitate yourself.

On a personal note; I would consider attending the family session if possible. I learned so much from the doctors at my husbands rehab. Tap into any professional resources that are available to you, there is not much to lose; just continue to be honest with where your at emotionally, and I'm certain they will be respectful of this.

Good Luck Lily !!!

Lily1918

I am a very lucky one on this site. I count my blessings daily. I always watch what I say and respect that everyone here has different beliefs and respect everyone's Higher Power. I never Bible thump anyone. that being said allforcnm... listen.


I will say it again. I am very lucky and blessed. The boo is just as much a Jesus Freak as I am. This opiate addiction came when a car accident at the end of his adolescence nearly killed him and he died on the table it was so bad. He knows the Lord has saved him and called him for a purpose. after years of being on pain meds however he needs to allow his brain to reboot. This is not a boy who was introdused to opiates by recreational use. It began as a need and sprawled out of control. I have never once denied any hope of recovery. I truthfully am the most hopeful in the family. I know that he will be healed because he is born again and loves the Lord and scripture says that He works all things out for good for those who love him. I DO NOT however put my God on a timetable. My life and the life of the boo are not ended when we die. He will be healed. there is no doubt. If he chooses to follow obey and abide, then the healing will come more quickly. If he does not choose to do so then he will be healed when the good Lord calls him home. This post you quoted is not about putting my emotional needs first. My emotional needs are to be put last. If this was a Christian forum I would never even use the word codependency. all codependency is is idolatry. The definition of wicked is inordinate affection. His idol is opiates. mine is him. this time of recovery is not about being sober or self sufficient. It is about getting our hearts right with Jesus. back to basics. Like fasting on a HUGE scale. Of course I will be going to the family meeting. that goes without saying, but the Holy Spirit and the bible tells me everything in its season. we both need to get right with god before we can move forward anywhere.

once again. I have not spoken this way about my faith so avidly before because I have not been provoked. you misunderstand. I hope that after reading this you will have gained some insight on who I am. I am a woman. I love Jesus. I struggle with idolatry. but I am proverbs 31. and proverbs 31 always trusts always hopes always forgives. ESPECIALLY when a fellow believer is in genuine repentance. It is only when they refuse to repent that part of my following obeying and abiding requires me to cut them out and even then there is always hope.

allforcnm

Lily,
I didn’t mean to offend you in any way. I completely respect your religious views. I also so appreciate the reminder about ‘Gods hand, and everything happening in Gods time’. That is a belief that I share, but I will admit to backsliding and not putting it into practice all the time in my everyday life. My husband and I were separated for a year due to his addiction, and he was in rehab for 3 months, but still I also feel very blessed to be where I am today.
I think perhaps I misunderstood some of what you posted earlier, for that I apologize. Also, my husbands rehab was really helpful to me, and so my comment about the family session was just to encourage you to utilze the skills of the staff there. I will forever be appreciative to the group of people that worked with me. Wishing you the best.