sdfam

Hi all,
First post here. My 19 year old son lives with my wife and I in San Diego.
After an unsuccessful first year at college, he has returned home and is attending community college.

He is an admitted pot smoker, which we are both not really happy with, but he is somewhat productive in that he is taking 4 classes and working one day a week.
He is not paying rent since he makes minimal money and our view is that as long as he is doing OK in school we are not going to push the issue.

Our rule is no smoking in the house, which he seems to ignore since we always smell smoke in his room.

Lately his personal hygiene has gone to hell and that is a concern to us, in addition his room looks like a tornado went thru it. He studies somewhat but prefers to sit on his computer games for hours in his room.

My wife and I would like to have a rational discussion about his appearance,his smoking, and his apparent lack of social life but it always seems to end up in an argument.

My concern is that he is smoking every night (he admitted it helps him sleep) and that he is in somewhat of a downward spiral.

Any advice or am I blowing this out of proportion?

Thanks,
sdfam

crazybabie

IMO, your not blowing it out of proportion substance abuse usually always gets worse before it gets better I am a mother of 2 sons who choose to use both started with pot both moved on to other things one overdosed and is lucky to be alive I am sharing this with you so you know I understand before I post what I am gonna say.

I understand wanting your son to get his education however when you and your wife talk my suggestion would be to make boundaries for your son that you both can agree on and when you make them KEEP them.

Then talk with your son and if he breaks a boundary stick to whatever consequence you and your wife have decided on.

Read the stickies at the top of this forum and there will be other posting soon I feel sure we have many parents here.

hello-kitty

Hello sdfam. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I'm sure it must be frustrating to you to watch your child engage in behaviors that are unacceptable to you and to know that there's nothing you can do to stop it. I would hate that. I dread when my child becomes a teenager.

Unfortunately setting rules and ultimatums doesn't usually work. Rules and ultimatums are designed to CONTROL someone elses behavior. Young adults don't respond well to that. And if you aren't willing to enforce the rules, what's the point in having them. It's like drawing a line in the sand, daring your son to step over it, and then he does. It's pretty disrespectful but you are allowing it. In a way, you are teaching your son that it is ok to disrespect you and that your feelings and opinions don't matter.

Instead, try setting boundaries for yourself. I always recommend writing down personal values to start with and then seeing if the way you are acting in your life matches up with what you state your values are. For example. I value respect. Therefore I will not knowingly accept disrespectful treatment from other people. I will ask them to leave my house or I will walk away from the situation. If I do accept disrespectful treatment from others, then how can I say I value respect? Does that make sense? I value clean living. Therefore I do not use drugs and I do not accept drug use in my house or around me. If someone is using drugs around me, I will ask them to leave. If I do not, again, I am violating my own values.

Ask yourself, What kind of behavior will I accept in my home? What will I do, if someone violates my boundaries in my home? What kind of treatment am I willing to accept from others? Is that different than the treatment I am willing to accept from my son? If so, why? What does that teach my son if I do not stand up for what I believe and value?

Anyway, I know enforcing personal boundaries is hard with a child. We love them and it's easy to give in. However your son is a young adult and he's on a dangerous path that you don't support, so you might want to consider not supporting him while he's on it.

hello-kitty

PS. Just to be clear, boundaries are for YOU, not for your son. They are "I" statements. Not orders or rules for other people.

LoveMeNow

I think Hello Kitty gave you very sound advice.

Also, what has really helped me is when I ask myself - "What advice would I give my best friend, if asked?" I have to write it down and make my boundaries from there. I have to make sure that I will enforce them too. Say what you mean, and mean what you say (just don't say it mean) is a great place to start.

SSHope

My brother started by smoking pot in college. He is 38 now. He then progressed to other drugs. He hid his use for 20 years. I found out last May that he was an addict (long story). He has since admitted to me that he smoked pot daily, and even more than once a day. I think you do have a reason to be concerned. I think you have received some very good advice from others. I wish your family the best of luck!

crazybabie

I just wanted to add that when I was younger I thought pot was normal and OK and just a phase etc... well I was wrong it isn't normal and for most it isn't a phase my husband smoked pot and only did pot for 30 years then he turned to pain pills.

Your son even if he has his education will have a hard time finding a job if he is using any substance, if he were to get busted he would possibly have a record as well sometimes I don't think young people get this. I am not saying telling him will change anything but if you haven't mentioned those thingsat least later you will know you did.

GardenMama

Welcome to SR, command-central for all issues related to the substance abuse of loved ones,and, but more importantly, you have stumbled upon a treasure trove of recovery knowledge collected for those of us who have committed ourselves to making our own lives better and emotionally healthier.

I am the mother of a 19-year-old recovering addict daughter (RAD) who has been sober since June 29. She began with pot and progressed from there, ultimately overdosing on heroin. She would have died if we had not found her in her room and rushed her to the ER. She had cardiac arrest an hour later and was resuscitated by hospital staff. She recovered there for 5 weeks.

She'd withdrawn from her first semester at an awesome college ten days before this happened. Her room after coming home soon became a complete disaster again. Her hygiene was questionable. (BTW, ff your son gets a bright red rash on his arm (MRSA), starts nodding off at dinner, has pinprick pupils, he is doing much more than pot.) I wish I had found SR years ago, when it was still "just pot," because I did not do the kind of boundary-setting or recovery that this discussion board offers and supports. I was of the mind that she only used pot, and alcohol, and since she, too, was a college student and did great in all her classes, it probably wasn't such a big deal. My worries were focused on her abusive BF, her depression, her future, etc. I was focussed elsewhere. Good grades don't mean anything except that your child is a functioning addict. This is what I have learned. The hard way.

Pot is a gateway for many of our children. I can't see it as anything other than that now.

Please keep reading here, keep posting, and feel free to PM me. I wish the best for your and your family.

outtolunch

He's going to live his life as he sits fit to do, regardless of what you do, or not. This does not mean you need to finance it or allow your home to be used as a flop house.

Your home-your rules. If you do not want smoking in the house and he chooses to do so, let him sleep in the garage, if you have one. Or drop him off at a homeless shelter.

Does he have a car? Who pays the insurance? Cellphone? Who pays? There may be some leverage here.

Games on the internet....pull the plug and kill access.

sdfam

First off I want to say thanks to everyone for the greet advice.
We tried having a conversation with him last night and it escalated into an argument. Pretty sure he was high, since his eyes were half mast and we found him taking a "nap" at 7PM.

Questioned his hygiene and his response was "Doesn't matter". We tried the "Since you are living in our house...." method but that seems to backfire.

Reading some of the responses on his drug use escalating have really frightened me. Do we start a zero tolerance policy towards his smoking? While we may be able to monitor his smoking in the house it would be pretty hard otherwise.

I know 18-early 20s are a rough time for a lot of young adults, but my fear is we are on the path to ruining any future relationship with him.

DJ0822

"I know 18-early 20s are a rough time for a lot of young adults, but my fear is we are on the path to ruining any future relationship with him."

Your fear is well-founded. But YOU are not on the path, he is. He has already made the decisions to (1) smoke in your home despite your boundary about that; (2) disrespect you in his response about hygiene "Questioned his hygiene and his response was "Doesn't matter". We tried the "Since you are living in our house...." method but that seems to backfire."

I have a 23 yo son who started with pot, then pills, then heroin. Went to college for 1 year on our dime (we didn't know about pot etc then), we dragged him back home, he said all the right things about knowing he messed up at away colkege and was ready to try comm college, we paid for community college, he did same things - dropped out, trouble with jobs, outrageously horrid bedroom mess, disregard for simple household housekeeping (stupid things like leaving dishes all over house, taking perishables from refrigerator to eat but bit returning them to refrig, seemingly petty things). We smelled smoke in his bedroom, he adamantly denied, was 'astounded' we would accuse him, his hygiene went downhill, was offended when we asked when was last time you took a shower, caught him in lie after lie, the whole works.

We are a professional family, in an upscale neighborhood, with 2 other adult children (non addicts), and had never been touched by disease of drug addiction.

But now that he is in recovery (after many, many frustrating, useless arguments with him), now that we are educated about this sickening drug world, now that we've put into action many of the things others on SR suggested about boundaries for us, letting the addict own the problem, accepting the reality vs hopeful fantasy or naivity, my parent-to-parent advice to you is RUN as fast as you can in the direction of educating yourselves (both you and your wife) about codependency, listen and learn from those here on SR who have been there, done that. It is terrifying, it seems surreal at times that you are now a part of this addict world, and it will rock your serenity. But I believe your son is there, and there is precious little time you have to handle it. Read the stickies and the books recommended. They are so on target.

I am saying this with utm

DJ0822

With utmost respect as a parent. You clearly love your son. You need to take immediate steps to save you, your marriage and to give your son the tools to embrace recovery if he chooses. You can't do it for him.

DJ0822

BTW, although he is now clean, sober and living in an SLE, recovery is still new for all of us, so I don't purport to be a know it all, nor does my son. But he DOES confirm without hesitation now, in looking back, that he really only took us seriously when we stopped "questioning him, laying ground rules for him, issuing ultimatums, " and started enforcing our own boundaries. One day, after smelling pot in basement and weeks of living with the crazy stuff we had been experiencing with him, and him denying it, we finally told him to leave. I think he was dumbfounded. He couch surfed and blamed us for all his woes, but we just kept the following position - when you are ready for rehab, we will help you. No help for anything other than rehab. We will not have any connection with you if your choice is to be an addict. Hardest thing ever to say to your own son. But he owns the problem. He now agrees.

AndreaB

I am sorry Sadfam, but there is no easy answer or solution to your concerns. I have had substance abuse counselors in the same organization give me extremely conflicting advice on how to approach my daughter's drug use. They don't know. I don't know. In my opinion, the correct approach depends on your son's personality, your needs and personality, the family's hopes and needs and the stage of your son's addiction.

For your son (and I am NO expert), I would start by setting up a counseling appointment for him to determine if he is clinically depressed or has another psychological issue. The hygiene issue concerns me. That's a red flag. Most young men at that age want to make a nice appearance to attract young ladies. Since this doesn't seem to be of interest to your son, something more is going on here. You need to start figuring out what it is quickly.

I would also consider family counseling. After a couple of months of counseling, it should be clearer to you if the problem is depression or drug use. Its probably both.

Another word of warning, my daughter was seeing a highly regarded addiction psychologist for about a year regarding her depression. I was worried that she was using drugs. He assured me otherwise. I later found out that during the time she was seeing him she was addicted to heroin. He had no idea. It wasn't until a year and a half later that she got clean.

So, I guess my message is to listen to the voices on this site, talk to professionals, but in the end you must decide what is best for your son and your family.

Best wishes to you and your family.

tjp613

Our story is very similar to DJ0822's except that the roller coaster continues for my family. My AS is now 22 and his first trip to rehab was back in '09 and getting him there was using the same method as DJ0822. Kicked him out for violating rules, couch surfed, then offered rehab or homelessness. He chose rehab.

Believe it or not, since then it has been a revolving door of work/school/rehab/detox/homelessness/rehab/sober living/homelessness/rehab/sober living/jail/rehab/sober living/homelessness/jail/etc etc etc............ Started out with smoking dope in our house, then over the years escalated to opiate addiction, then shooting heroin. We love our son and even with the sage guidance of counselors, meetings and SR we still have not been able to 'control' my son's drug usage except for very brief periods. It really is impossible to control their choices. In all this time what I have learned is that the only thing I can control is what I will allow in my life and in my home. I feel like we've allowed him to feel most of the consequences of his choices, but all that really happened is that his bottom just kept getting lower and lower. When our anxiety became unbearable, we did quite a bit of rescuing, too. We rescued so that we could control that anxiety and feeling of helplessness, and hoped to somehow beat the odds. We have been unsuccessful and my AS is now on the streets again -- no money, no job, no car, no phone. This is what he has chosen -- again and again. And once again I am working on surrender and acceptance. Some day I'll get it. I hope.

Sorry to be such a downer...really. It's not always hopeless, I promise. My point is simply to urge you to get educated quickly, form a united front with your wife, do NOT put your head in the sand, and don't allow him to disrespect your home or values. Those are the only things you can control absolutely.

bluebelle

If it was me, I would no allow him to smoke in the house or to leave his room a disaster. I'd not allow him to bring any drugs in the house at all. We went through similar issues with my older step-daughter. We ended up kicking her out of the house. Her room smelled so badly, that we got a whiff of it when she opened the door. She wouldn't wash her clothes, either. It was really disgusting. He's over 18. If he wants to live in filth and smoke, then he can do that on his own $$.

Fast forward 7 years--that step-daughter never finished college, but she works two jobs, and has her own place. We did let her back to live with us once--conditionally--and that didn't work out, either. It seemed like when she lived with us, she thought it was an opportunity to be lazy. It is amazing how much she has grown and matured. BTW, she was 19 years old when we were having that problem.

bluebelle

I agree about the information about depression. If you can get him to go to counseling, that would be a good idea. Our step-daughter also showed the symptoms of depression. We tried and tried to share with her our experiences with counseling and depression. We offered to pay for her to go. She refused. That being said . . . it sounds like depression may be part of his problem, and the pot will just make that worse.

tjp613

Our son was clearly depressed. We sent him to psychologists, counselors and psychiatrists often. Problem was that the street drugs rendered the diagnoses prescription drugs pretty much useless. Also, because he was so wasted and focused on his street drugs, he wouldn't take the prescribed meds properly. It's a Catch-22.

AndreaB

Truer words were never spoken. This was my daughter also. Nothing worked until she decided that she had had enough of street drugs. Fortunately, it didn't take as much for her to come to this realization as it does for some others and when she was ready, we knew how to proceed because of our past experience with trying to treat her depression.

Ilovemysonjj

Hello SD, another SD Mom here . My son is almost 23 and we have been dealing with his major heroin addiction (that we became aware of) since he just turned 20. We also had paid for college, only to find out he never even went the last two semesters!
We tried the IOP, the support, the policing and the hands off. He continued to disrespect and lie and steal from his family , including every piece of jewelry that i own. We finally had to file police report and since then, he has done two stints in county jail. Since your son is 19, he is testing every rope you provide him. He is at that age where any attempt to control is scoffed upon. I understand completely how hard it is to decide how to handle this. All I know, is I WISH I had been more involved and or educated when my son was 20. It took us 1 and 1/2 years before we actually developed our boundaries. My son is scheduled to get out of jail and go to an inpatient rehab (second round) on feb 10. I know for me, he MUST decide how he wants to live his life now. I have lived his life for him too long and I must say, I am way to old for this SH*T!
Also, are there other younger siblings? If so, you HAVE to take action. I have two teenagers who were traumatized and still dealing with the issues that my oldest brought upon our home and my part in the matter was not protecting them at the onset of our insanity.
Hugs,
Teresa