broken101

Hey all. Its been a while since I last visited the site and a lot has happened since. Just a short insight. I meet and fell deep in love with an addict. He cheated I forgive him, I brought him two cars and we moved in together then his cheating continued. I kicked him out and got a restraining order. I found out I was pregnant and brought him back into my life we moved in together again and I taught he was doing ok. Did not seem that he was on drugs but he cheated on me again and this time I feel like the only time he is committed to me or give me what I deserve is when I am pregnant. But he asked me to move in with him after I miscarried. But I think he has intimacy issues where I am the girl he takes home to his parents, and friends but he needs other girls on the side to make him feel better but I think that he may be using again and its what makes him do what he does???? Am I just setting myself up to be just trash for this guy?

RedBaron5

Cheating once is usually a deal breaker for most normal, healthy relationships. Hes an addict so your relationship cannot be healthy, but his addiction in no way excuses his cheating behavior. I don't need to know anything about you, to tell you that you deserve so much better than this, love is in the actions, not the words. Please, Focus on yourself, then find a partner in life that deserves you.

ave

RUN!!!!!! You deserve so much better. A miscarriage is an awful thing to experience but in this case it is a blessing!!!! I had one once and now I am SO GRATEFUL that God intervened because my life would have been a DISASTER if I stayed with that man, or had any ties to him.. and a child is a HUGE tie!

Love should not betray you, dismay you - it should hold you up, be honest, be faithful. Read corinthians. You deserve that kind of love - real, pure love. This man is a cheater and using didn't cause it. The longer you stay and allow him in your life.. you give him, and yourself, the message that you don't deserve more. BUT YOU DO. Give yourself the gift of a new start and GET AWAY FROM HIM NOW!

dollydo

Drugs may enhance his desire to cheat, but it is not the core reason. He is a cheater, that's it. You may be his cover up girl, who knows.

All I know is that cheating is a deal breaker for me. Substance Abuse of any kind is a deal breaker for me.

He is who he is, either accept him as that or leave once and for all. You deserve so much better, it is your choice whether you move forward or not. IMO, he will never be your Mr. Right, people like him, just continue to drag another down with them.

Sending support your way.

Katiekate

Broken, read your post again honey. You bought him two cars, he cheated, you moved in together , he cheated, you were pregnant he, cheated. This guy has no backbone, he is a pleasure seeking, non caring loser. He will continue to do what he has always done, when you won't put up with it anymore , he will find someone else to get pregnant, someone else to move in with, someone else to buy him two new cars.

You are not trash, but he treats you like you are nothing. Please think long and hard about what you want for your life. This hurt will just continue, because you have allowed it from the get go.

You can not change nor help this guy, but you can change and help yourself.

Are you in counseling, reading any material on co dependency???

Keep posting, we care, Katie

broken101

Thanks for all the replies and support. No I am not in any support groups or reading any materials at the time. But during my last no contact period with him this site helped me to great lengths. I do know I deserve better his own mother family and freinds say I am such a great person and they all know I deserve better. I guess I am the one with the problem I think that I will somehow chance him or show him all I can offer and I have a fear of being alone. But I cannot handle the stress that comes with this relationship, I loose myself when we get into fights, I say things I cannot take back I las out at him and I even violated him by hitting him and ruining his Ipod by putting it in water. All the things that I have never done or will ever do to anyone but I just go blank and not think or anything but try to hurt him back and that is not healthy for either of us. I was begining to get over him back in November after going more than 2 months with no contact with him until he found out I was pregnant and came back to me. I didnt move in with him until after I miscarried and he assured me that he didnt want to get back with me because I was pregnant but because he loved me so he still begged for me to moved with him after the misscarriage. I moved to delaware and got a great job founds some new friends and now I really dont now what to do. I cant afford a place of my own just yet but I dont want to leave my job or the new people I met. What should I do?

dollydo

I would suggest that you read "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie, the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs.

As for moving out, you don't have to live alone, you can find a roommate , at least until you get on your feet. No reason to leave your job and friends.

Peace and happiness comes from within, another cannot garner that for you. Have you considered therapy? May help you understand why you settle for someone who treats you as he does.

Katiekate

Dolly is right. There is always a way to work things out.

Keep the place, get a room mate, move in with someone else.

Where you are is less important that being treated badly by an addcit.

It's time to heal.

broken101

It just came to me. He spent I think 6 years in prison he went away when he was very young. When he came out he entered into a long term relationship and she cheated on him and it was a rocky one. So when that one or before than one ended he entered another long term one wit me, but I dont think he is ready for a long term relationship I think he want to go out have fun meet other women date sleep around and.....

I think he felt he was ready for a long term because he needed someone to help care for him to help support him. He could'nt afford a palce of his own or to buy himself a car or go places and take people out on dates so he used me to get him the cars, he lives with a friend who he pays no rent or contributed to the household and he works for like $400 per week. But he has a lot of outstanding bills that he needs to take care of which he does not and so how that he works and does feel the need to pay his bills he can go out and have fun so he cheats. I am not sure but I dont think he is ready for another long term serious committed relationship. Which he should have said to me before he took me away and introduced me to his wonderful neice who loves me as I her and her mom want me in her life no matter what happens too her uncle and me. I dont know I am just going on and on and rambling...sorry.

LoveMeNow

I spent hours and hours and hours trying to psychoanalyze my husband. My ego was so big, I thought I could "fix" him without any real qualifications. It was such a waste of my time and energy. It also kept me from looking in the mirror and fixing me. Trying to figure him out and fix him was far less painful....or so I thought!! Boy, was I wrong!!

rsk

Broken101,
It was very nice to hear from you! You may not see it but I surely do. You and I have learned a lot since the beginning (first posts) and we should be proud of that. You seem to have a clear understanding of who he is...trust what your gut is telling you. You should not be judged or looked down upon for going through this learning process the way you are meant to. I applaud you for continuing to write and holding out your hand for help and support.
-RSK

broken101

I feel like I have let everyone here and all my family and friends down again. I am just so tired to crying and loving him when I know he does not deserve my love or that of any sane woman. He will hurt anyone who comes into his life cause he is not mature. My pain goes so deep I wonder sometimes if I have never let him back into my life will I have still been pregnant. Right after he came back into my life I had all the stress that comes with him, him being arrested court fines other women.....I think I have lost my soul.

outtolunch

Alrighty then....It sounds like you might be trying to rationalize your own irrational behavior. Drugs excuse nothing. He's a liar and a cheat. What about this is acceptable?

If you cannot afford your place , get a roommate. If you want a project or company, consider a dog or cat from a shelter.

If you choose to stay in the situation, dbl up on the birthcontrol. Parenthood does not cure addiction, immaturity or serious character flaws. He has nothing to offer a child.

Counseling is also another alternative. You could spend serious time figuring out why you are willing to settle for so little or simply work on setting and enforcing some basic boundaries because you are worth it.

" I will not be in a relationship with liars or cheaters or drug addicts" is a reasonabele boundary. You enforce the boundary by removing yourself from situations that contain liars, cheaters and drug addicts.

Katiekate

Listen honey, none of this stuff really matters at this point, what matters is working on accepting that you know what you know, that nothing on his end will change, that he is who he is, and who he is has nothing to do with you. Not one thing.

What is done is done, but you have the opportunity to heal from this. One day, one step at a time, the only one who is keeping you in this pain is you.

I felt deep hurt, and my ego kept holding on , for far too long, but I moved forward, I allowed myself to feel the pain, I put my ego aside, I was in counseling, reading a lot on this forum, over and over and over again until i got it.

Please, be around the people who love you, reach out for some help, he is sick, he has no desire to get better, but you can, things will get better.

Keep posting, we care. Katie

PS, Your soul is fine, just needs a bit of feeding. That's on you sister!

broken101

His problem stems from a rough childhood, abuse, drugs, prison….he told me from the very start of your relationship that I deserve better but I believed that he was enough not understanding quite what he meant at the time. I believe that he feels that he cannot give me all I deserve as a man (things I am used to, money, a beautiful home, vacations, endless shopping not that any of that mattered to me all I wanted was him) so in order to validate himself as a man he go on the outside to meet and mess around with other women, this is his way of feeling like he is all man. But turning to Craigslist to find a woman? What kind of woman put herself like that out there? But it matter not any longer I am back home and I have cut all contact with him. Today we spoke briefly and agreed that we do love and care for each other but the best thing for me at the time is to cut all ties with him. He will never admit to cheating though I was and spoke to the girl he was messing with, he blames me saying he is living in fear since I threaten him all the time, which is not true I cannot remember the last time I did that and that he is fearful of me since I destroyed his Ipod ( I put it in a glass of water cause he had my phone and was deleting all my contacts so I felt helpless and I acted out in a negative manner) LOL… just want I expected of him I caught him cheating he knew it was over for good and he quickly blamed me…

h00ped

Hun, whatever reasons he gave you to justify his behavior (I'm a victim of my rough childhood, prison, low self esteem, etc) are not excuses for cheating. Him giving you all this backstory (especially about his being cheated on before, you weren't there so you don't know what really went down). These are all manipulations to get you to feel bad for him, be more forgiving, so he can dodge any responsibility. They are deflections. He's even blaming YOU and not even ADMITTING to cheating, still! He cheats because HE FEELS ENTITLED TO. This will NEVER stop because he can't feel empathy for you or any other woman.

h00ped

PS my XABF didn't cheat on me, but used the exact same reasoning for why he was entitled to drink and use, a family death in his childhood, lack of intimacy in his first marriage and how bad he feels that he doesn't deserve me and can't give me all the things he wants to give me.

When I bought in to the rationalizations, I couldn't see the forest for the trees because the manipulation worked. I began to make the same excuses and rationalizations for him. And I took the consequences of being involved with an addict over, and over and over.

dollydo

Many of us had terrible childhoods, I, for one, could have been the poster child for abuse and neglect.

Yet, I, like so many others did not choose his path in life...I've never done drugs, I've never been in prison, or arrested. He did this to himself, he had choices, he made the bad choices.

Believe me when I say that he is not concerned about giving you everything you "deserve"
in life, he is only concerned with himself and what you can do for him and feed his immature desires. My exabf fed me the same line, I swear they must have cliff notes they all refer to. They are master manipulators.

IMO, in order for you to finally move forward, you must accept him for who he really is, and, stop trying to come up with excuses for his bad behavior. Your mindset is keeping you stuck.

One cannot lose their soul, anymore than a soul can have a mate. Like our fingerprints, a soul
is ours alone...forever. You can get better, concentrate on you...not him.

We are here for you, keep posting...sending support your way.

broken101

It's my fault that I am hurting right now I am the one that made the decision to let him back in my life back in November after almost 3 months of no contact. He swore again that this cowboy has finally hung up his hat and is ready to settle down with me. He claims that he was scared because I was what he wanted so he ran. He even swore on our unborn child's life that he will never hurt me again ( only God knows the reason I miscarried). I believe that he is not sure who he is what he wants. He had mental problems that he denies and should seek help for. But I am working on my commitment to move on no ties to him, I feel much stronger than the last time I feel I have closure now. There is no need to wonder if, what or buts. I want to be the old me. I want to work on rebuilding my foundation for a successful happy future. And I get so much love and support here and that means the world to me. I thank you all for your guidance as I build my life back.

broken101

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason? I do but sometimes I question God. I sometime think that I even hate believing in him. Like how can a sweet, young, educated, funny, caring, woman like me know someone like my ex. Why did God have to bring him into my life, as he caused more pain in the 16 months I have known him than happiness. He took me all the way from NJ to DE into the home of a stranger who is now a good friend but will keep my distance as my ex lives with her and her daughter (he considers her his sister, but I think he is sick enough that if she gives him the opportunity he will sleep with her). But for the 2 months I was there I was living in a house with two recovering addicts. She allows us to stay there rent free, we didn't have to pay for food nothing. I felt like a leach. But they both are drinkers. She would drink half bottle of wine by herself and he would drink beers or whiskey. And before I knew it I found myself drinking a glass or two of wine everyday. Then I stopped. When they asked I said no that I am drinking everyday which I don't do and not comfortable with so they didn’t force me to. She would put her 2 year old to bed then go downstairs in her basement and smoke pot (she was a heroin, cocaine addict in the past), my ex doesn’t smoke pot but one day I was talking to our friend L and she asked why my bills were late so I told her J didn't give me money to pay it so where is the money going to we asked? Well I asked her if she taught he was using again and I too was looking for signs but couldn’t tell, L said she didn’t think he was using but if an addict want to he can do a good job at hiding it. After we started fighting and he was sleeping in the other guest bedroom I could hear him blowing his nose more times that when we weren't fighting. I think he started using again cause he was stressed about his court date coming up for driving with a suspended licenses more than 3 times he is facing fines and 10 days in prison so maybe the stress made him start using again and he screwed up when he didn’t cover up his cheating to well. He said to me "I am an con man, an addict and if I had something to hid then there's no way if I didn’t want you to find it then you wouldn’t. well I guess he is all that but not a smart one cause I was able to find it without even trying.

So maybe it’s a good thing that its over I was not around good people. Recovering addicts living under the same roof with a 2 year old is not a good thing. But I am a bit terrified for the little girl I saw her twice when I was with her she would grab their cigarettes and lighter and act like she is going to lit the cigarette I told her mother and my ex it’s a bad idea to smoke where she is able to see them cause she is at the age she mimic but they never listened so I am worried that she would think if uncle J and mom is doing it then it must be ok. So I want to be a positive influence in her life but with her uncle my ex living under the same roof I don't know how that is going to be possible.

As for his cheating everyone who knows us both says he will never find anyone better than me and he is the looser not to have me in his life. I really don't care as I ran out of giving him chances. I need to focus on me and my recovery. I need to set boundaries and I ask for help in how to do that. No one deserves to be treated the way I was. No one deserves to be abused the way I was.