ABF in rehab, why do i feel hurt?!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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ABF in rehab, why do i feel hurt?!
My ABF has recently, on his own, seeked help to return to rehab. I've only known him since his relapse (opiates) and he's now getting help but for some reason I feel more hurt than ever?! I don't know why. I know part of it is my codependance and the fact I don't want to be away from him, but I thought id be happier and more supportive, but instead I feel really heavy hearted and scared... I feel like I'm pushing him away. I mean this is it. His chance to prove himself. He did it out of his own desire to get clean. I'm so proud of him. But I've only known him as an addict. I'm scared. I sound crazy but I don't know why I feel this way, did anyone else??
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Hello Cathy, your fear of losing him is classic codependency, better to know your loved one instead of letting them go in hopes he is someone better. I do understand. Its okay and don't suppress how you feel. You will come to terms as time goes on. Time is always a part of our healing. If you aren't involved in any support groups, now may be a great time to try Naranon or Alanon so you can learn more about YOUR recovery. If he chose rehab on his own, that is a positive thing. Let him work on his recovery and you take this time to examine your feelings and emotions and heal your heart.
Hugs and support to you,
Teresa
Hugs and support to you,
Teresa
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Lois W., the wife of Bill W., one of the founders of AA, faced a similar challenge, Cathy. When Bill W. was an active alcoholic, even though his drinking created so much crisis in their lives and great emotional pain for her, being part of his crises gave her life meaning. She felt needed. She felt essential to him. Her job was to to help him try to get sober, so she thought. And to mend his damaged self-esteem. To scrape him off the floor and get him on his feet again. I think, probably, she felt also that he would never leave her as long as she kept rescuing him. Lois was a very bright and well-educated woman. But Bill became her mission.
When Bill had his turning point and found his true calling as a co-founder of AA whose mission it was to spread the word that one alcoholic can help another alcoholic stay sober, he regained a feeling of purpose in life, he was impassioned and he was SOBER and he didn't need Lois to make him feel better about himself anymore. His life opened up as it had never done before, his relationships deepened and broadened. And Lois found herself home alone and she felt angry and scared. When he was sick, she didn't have to grow. And when he got sober and started to grow on his own, she felt abandoned. She talked often of this throughout her life.
This sense of emptiness is what led her to start Al-Anon for what was then primarily wives of alcoholics. She and the wives had their own meetings, they worked their own 12-Step program of spiritual growth. Their husbands were no longer their mission in life. Personal growth and service to others was.
If I were fortunate enough to love an addict or alcoholic who was working a sincere program of recovery, I know that for myself the best way I could maintain my focus on finding my own self-expression, my own inner wisdom, and my own unshakable self-worth would be to become very active in Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. Otherwise I think I would be vulnerable to what Lois felt about Bill: jealousy about the time he spent with all the other alcoholics, resentment that I wasn't the first person he ran to with a problem, insecurity that in his confidence and increased self-esteem he wouldn't even want to be with me anymore. Lois grappled with all those challenging feelings.
But if you seek support and fellowship with other loved ones of addicts, you will find that they will understand very well the feelings you have today. And you may find they have much to share about how they grew beyond those feelings.
When Bill had his turning point and found his true calling as a co-founder of AA whose mission it was to spread the word that one alcoholic can help another alcoholic stay sober, he regained a feeling of purpose in life, he was impassioned and he was SOBER and he didn't need Lois to make him feel better about himself anymore. His life opened up as it had never done before, his relationships deepened and broadened. And Lois found herself home alone and she felt angry and scared. When he was sick, she didn't have to grow. And when he got sober and started to grow on his own, she felt abandoned. She talked often of this throughout her life.
This sense of emptiness is what led her to start Al-Anon for what was then primarily wives of alcoholics. She and the wives had their own meetings, they worked their own 12-Step program of spiritual growth. Their husbands were no longer their mission in life. Personal growth and service to others was.
If I were fortunate enough to love an addict or alcoholic who was working a sincere program of recovery, I know that for myself the best way I could maintain my focus on finding my own self-expression, my own inner wisdom, and my own unshakable self-worth would be to become very active in Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. Otherwise I think I would be vulnerable to what Lois felt about Bill: jealousy about the time he spent with all the other alcoholics, resentment that I wasn't the first person he ran to with a problem, insecurity that in his confidence and increased self-esteem he wouldn't even want to be with me anymore. Lois grappled with all those challenging feelings.
But if you seek support and fellowship with other loved ones of addicts, you will find that they will understand very well the feelings you have today. And you may find they have much to share about how they grew beyond those feelings.
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Join Date: May 2012
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Hi Cathy,
When my husband first went into rehab I also had feelings of fear and anxiety. It was a new experience for both of us, and I didn’t know what kind of outcome to expect after he went through treatment. I had feelings that maybe he would change into someone I didn’t like, or maybe he would change and then he wouldn’t like me anymore! At the same time, I was very proud of him – because he too asked for help and wanted to end his drug use. Of course I was happy about that because his health was the most important thing to me. Personally I think these feelings are normal, but it is best to try to look at what you think is really behind your fears and deal with that. My husband went to a non-12 step where his treatment was based on individual therapy sessions. I had no experience with therapy, and thought it would change every aspect of him. But no, it was not like that. He came out of it the same man that I fell in love with and married, just a healthier, stronger version because he worked on the issues that caused him to use the drugs in the first place. Not sure about your boyfriends rehab, but they may offer some sessions for family and friends. If they do, I would consider attending these as it can give insight into the process and help ease some of your fears. My husbands rehab assigned me a personal therapist and she was a great help to me as I sorted out my feelings.
Another thought, if the two of you were very close and spent a lot of time together; there is probably a hole left now that he is away. That can also lead to frustration, hurt and even resentment where you might want to push him away because you feel somewhat rejected? I think this is normal to a certain degree. There is an adjustment period in all of this. If you have some of those feelings, try taking this opportunity apart to explore some of your own interest that maybe you have been putting on the backburner. Gain confidence in all the things that you can do on your own, or with other friends, family. Set some weekly goals of doing things that bring you personal joy, and have some fun, try to relax. Good Luck to both of you.
When my husband first went into rehab I also had feelings of fear and anxiety. It was a new experience for both of us, and I didn’t know what kind of outcome to expect after he went through treatment. I had feelings that maybe he would change into someone I didn’t like, or maybe he would change and then he wouldn’t like me anymore! At the same time, I was very proud of him – because he too asked for help and wanted to end his drug use. Of course I was happy about that because his health was the most important thing to me. Personally I think these feelings are normal, but it is best to try to look at what you think is really behind your fears and deal with that. My husband went to a non-12 step where his treatment was based on individual therapy sessions. I had no experience with therapy, and thought it would change every aspect of him. But no, it was not like that. He came out of it the same man that I fell in love with and married, just a healthier, stronger version because he worked on the issues that caused him to use the drugs in the first place. Not sure about your boyfriends rehab, but they may offer some sessions for family and friends. If they do, I would consider attending these as it can give insight into the process and help ease some of your fears. My husbands rehab assigned me a personal therapist and she was a great help to me as I sorted out my feelings.
Another thought, if the two of you were very close and spent a lot of time together; there is probably a hole left now that he is away. That can also lead to frustration, hurt and even resentment where you might want to push him away because you feel somewhat rejected? I think this is normal to a certain degree. There is an adjustment period in all of this. If you have some of those feelings, try taking this opportunity apart to explore some of your own interest that maybe you have been putting on the backburner. Gain confidence in all the things that you can do on your own, or with other friends, family. Set some weekly goals of doing things that bring you personal joy, and have some fun, try to relax. Good Luck to both of you.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
I feel for you. my BF went to a 30 day program in August. it was his first time ever seeking treatment. I felt all of those feelings. He relapsed and decided to go to the salvation army for 6 months. He had to pass the drug test to get in. no "comfy" detox or anything as he would call it. His withdrawl was very difficult for him physically, and on the fourth day of kicking when he was beginning to become human again. he said "you're so strong. Im a heaping mess and falling apart emotionally and you just take it and smile and are happy even though it was hard for both of us" I laughed and said "oh boo come on now! we've been working our programs awhile, you should know better. Im not strong. Im on a binge. I love you and I love seeing you choose sobriety but remember its different for me, Im gonna go through withdrawl too, from you, when you leave"
and he said "well, I guess you're going to rehab too in a way huh?"
I smiled and said "ya, so don't beat yourself up too much boo, take that back beat yourself up
but I'm using right now. so for once you're doing better than me "
we laughed and smoked two packs of ciggs and prayed and cried and laughed and prayed and spent our last night together under the moonlight counting the stars and talked about angels and demons and God and our kids and life and pretended 630 am wasnt coming. Then he was up and ready smiling and positive in the morning and went to rehab with the sunrise and it was so beautiful watching him go. I had already arranged childcare cuz of everything that had been going on and because I knew where my emotions would be. I went inside and cried bitterly all day. That was a week ago. I managed to "keep up the face" when the kids came home the next day, and every day gets better and God is so good to me. I still cry, but we have a family creed that says Faith is Stronger than Fear.
Im so glad i saw this post tonight cuz Im sitting here feining for him. The good parts of him at least and joyful that he is in rehab. and thanking God that he put me in this place of exclusive singleness because I am a codependent and just as sick as my BF. I seek recovery every day so I can learn to be happy and content with just me, God, the kids and that's it.
and he said "well, I guess you're going to rehab too in a way huh?"
I smiled and said "ya, so don't beat yourself up too much boo, take that back beat yourself up
but I'm using right now. so for once you're doing better than me "we laughed and smoked two packs of ciggs and prayed and cried and laughed and prayed and spent our last night together under the moonlight counting the stars and talked about angels and demons and God and our kids and life and pretended 630 am wasnt coming. Then he was up and ready smiling and positive in the morning and went to rehab with the sunrise and it was so beautiful watching him go. I had already arranged childcare cuz of everything that had been going on and because I knew where my emotions would be. I went inside and cried bitterly all day. That was a week ago. I managed to "keep up the face" when the kids came home the next day, and every day gets better and God is so good to me. I still cry, but we have a family creed that says Faith is Stronger than Fear.
Im so glad i saw this post tonight cuz Im sitting here feining for him. The good parts of him at least and joyful that he is in rehab. and thanking God that he put me in this place of exclusive singleness because I am a codependent and just as sick as my BF. I seek recovery every day so I can learn to be happy and content with just me, God, the kids and that's it.
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