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Working it backwards

Old 01-23-2013, 07:56 AM
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Working it backwards

I screw up sometimes. The thing is....sometimes when I screw up.....I blame it on other people, places, things, entities or circumstances.

I don't want to minimize the behavior of others, because sometimes.....they are addicts or they are having a bad day or they are just angry people who are thrashing out at anything or anyone around them.....because their lives are so darn miserable. Sometimes....they are just plain wrong and out of line.

But that doesn't matter.........

When a situation goes sideways on me, I work it backwards.......and most of the time I can find a point where I had the opportunity to make a decision or choice that could have changed the outcome.....at least..... for me.

If my life sucks and I'm angry at the world......blaming all of my problems on someone or something else........sometimes......the first place I need to look for reprieve is..........in the mirror.

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ke
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Old 01-23-2013, 08:25 AM
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Perfect message this AM KE! I had a choice today to confront/initiate a fight with hubby cuz he was "looking mean at me"!. Instead, I internally discussed this option. This is the word I got.... If you are not happy with me, that is your choice. I don't need to do anything about that feeling of YOURS.
So then, the morning went smoothly.
It is really all about "me" and how "I" perceive my reality isn't it?
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Old 01-23-2013, 08:55 AM
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TT
I've heard the phrase "don't pick up the rope". Unfortunately, I need a little more graphic message to bring it home to me......and I'll share it at the risk of offending someone out there (and I'll apologize for that now....but proceed anyway).

When someone has a bug up their butt, I will sometimes reach over, pull it out and insert it in my own. Great........now I've got the bug up my own butt. How smart is that? I think it's generally a wise thought to leave that bug where it is in the first place (understatement). I don't own it.......until I take it.

Again.....I apologize for the graphic nature of that little message......but it works for me. And maybe it will work better than "don't pick up the rope" for someone else too.

You did good, TT. You and your son are always in my prayers.

gentle hugs and much love
ke
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Old 01-23-2013, 09:31 AM
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"When a situation goes sideways on me, I work it backwards.......and most of the time I can find a point where I had the opportunity to make a decision or choice that could have changed the outcome.....at least..... for me."

I have been thinking about how to do this very thing, especially with regards to my own enabling that puts conflict-avoiding at center stage. It is a twist on what you've said, but still the same outcome...when I choose to take something in and ignore or not address the facts of what's NOT mine, I am putting the bug in my, well, I think I prefer putting in my ear, like a bee.

All of this helps me right now, KE & TT. Thank you both.
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Old 01-23-2013, 09:42 AM
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not address the facts of what's NOT mine, I am putting the bug in my, well, I think I prefer putting in my ear, like a bee.
lol....GM.....it doesn't matter where that bee winds up.....if we take it.....it's uncomfortable.

Often......for me......the best thing I can do to prevent "taking the bug" is to simply walk away. But the first step is always recognizing when there's a bug in the room and who it belongs to.......

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Old 01-23-2013, 11:11 AM
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To let go of the rope. My perspective. I have let go several times. Only to pick it back up again or to insert said "bug" into said orifice- ha ha!

To me, the active drug addict and the active codependent addict fit together so perfectly like two puzzle pieces. They are a perfect match and can exist this way together until the two self-destruct.

But now I have changed so much and he has not changed much at all. So what you get are two pieces that no longer fit. I have tried to go back and now it just does not work.

We are two puzzle pieces that don't match. And it hurts worse each time I try to go back and try to put us back together. So unless you have two recovering people, the pieces eventually just don't fit.

So at that point I cut my losses until I have enough recovery under my belt so that really the only option is to let go of the rope for good. I see no other option.

But if I could do it again. I would have cut and run a long time ago and listened to all the suggestions from everyone. Guess I had more to learn by holding on. Now I am letting go. But the longer you hold on the harder and more painful it becomes.
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Old 01-23-2013, 11:18 AM
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Guess I had more to learn by holding on.
That's a beautiful perspective. Thanks for sharing B&B.

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ke
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Old 01-23-2013, 12:08 PM
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I remember years ago, when I was trying to "fix" my son's anger about something that had nothing to do with me...he told me "I don't want you to "fix" this, it's my problem to fix and sometimes I just need to have a bad day."

Wow! What an eye opener. That's why I have never forgotten it.

Sometimes people just need to have a bad day...and it's absolutely nothing to do with me. If I choose to take it personally, then I own my poor choice, not them.

Like your "rope" theory, I remember someone saying "We don't have to engage in every fight we are invited to." Today I choose my battles carefully. Life is just too short to fight them all.

Thanks for the reminder, Kindeyes. No bug butt for me, thank you very much.
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Old 01-23-2013, 12:40 PM
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I remember years ago, when I was trying to "fix" my son's anger about something that had nothing to do with me...he told me "I don't want you to "fix" this, it's my problem to fix and sometimes I just need to have a bad day."
Looking back on it, Ann, some of the wisest words that have been said to me have come from my son. One of my favorites he told me was that "everything is a degree of 'want'. If one person 'wants' something more than another person, the degree of 'want' is out of balance. I've "wanted" my son to get sober in the past far more than he wanted to get sober. When the "degree of want" is out of balance......it just doesn't work. It kind of goes along with what blackandblue stated above.....

Yeah......I'm with you......if I have a choice (and most of the time I do) I'd rather leave the bug alone.....and let the person who owns it deal with it. Although I'm sure there are times that the original owner of the bug kind of enjoys watching us take it......because THEY don't have the bug up their butt anymore. (Kind of us codies to arrange the comfort of others at the expense of our own! lol It's what we DO!)

love you!
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Old 01-23-2013, 01:05 PM
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So, update on me and hubby.... All is good and he THANKED me for making him fresh juice. His day is okay and mine is awesome!
TT
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Old 01-23-2013, 01:10 PM
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Very wise post. Thank you!
One of my favorite quotes from "The Rules for Being Human" is:
"Anything you love or hate, admire or resent about another reflects the same love or hate, adoration or resentment within yourself".
Point a finger at someone, and three more point right back at you (or me haha).
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Old 01-23-2013, 01:25 PM
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Originally Posted by Ilovemysonjj View Post
So, update on me and hubby.... All is good and he THANKED me for making him fresh juice. His day is okay and mine is awesome!
TT
hahahaha!! That's great TT.....just think of how your day (and his) might have gone had you engaged all because "he was looking mean" at you. I love it.

Glad you're having a fabulous day!

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Old 01-23-2013, 01:27 PM
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Originally Posted by Windancer View Post
Very wise post. Thank you!
One of my favorite quotes from "The Rules for Being Human" is:
"Anything you love or hate, admire or resent about another reflects the same love or hate, adoration or resentment within yourself".
Point a finger at someone, and three more point right back at you (or me haha).
Windancer
I love that....it is so true!
gentle hugs
ke
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Old 01-23-2013, 03:19 PM
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KindEyes your post reminded me of something a dear friend of mine said.

He was our CEO, and once during a company meeting very bluntly said
"If your life sucks it's because you made it that way."
He went on to say that we had to take charge and make changes if we weren't happy, not to blame others. It made many of us really laugh, but he was dead serious. He also went on to say "If you don't like being here, then...go. We need people here that want to be here." And wow, isn't that the truth anywhere!?

There is more to the story and he is one of the reasons I am here, but that is not for this thread. Thank you for the reminder - it means so much and is something I don't want to ever forget.
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Old 01-23-2013, 04:00 PM
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Originally Posted by Hanna View Post
KindEyes your post reminded me of something a dear friend of mine said.

He was our CEO, and once during a company meeting very bluntly said
"If your life sucks it's because you made it that way."
He went on to say that we had to take charge and make changes if we weren't happy, not to blame others. It made many of us really laugh, but he was dead serious. He also went on to say "If you don't like being here, then...go. We need people here that want to be here." And wow, isn't that the truth anywhere!?

There is more to the story and he is one of the reasons I am here, but that is not for this thread. Thank you for the reminder - it means so much and is something I don't want to ever forget.
I remember something similar......I was quite young. I went to my boss and explained that I was generally bored with my job. His reply was "It's not my job to make your job interesting." It kind of ticked me off....but he was right!!! lol!

Thanks for sharing!

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