Stay or leave?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 3
Stay or leave?
My boyfriend is 28, we have been together for 3 years. Throughout our time together, alcohol has been a recurring issue. We fight about his drinking at least once every three months, the majority of the time it happens after a party or a night out with his friends, where they often haze one another to drink more, take shots, etc. His friends even give me a hard time when I go out with them if I don't drink or only have a drink.
My boyfriend is a sloppy drunk, he slurs his words, his face shows his drunkenness, and he often becomes incoherent. Recently he's even been falling asleep in public. Again, this only happens about once every three months, but I still find it unacceptable and most of all, I'm embarrassed.
Though I want to blame his friends, at my friend's rehearsal dinner (when he was my guest and didn't know anyone at the dinner) there was an abundance of wine on the table. My boyfriend was the drunkest one at the table, when he wasn't even a true guest, and I was embarrassed. He fell asleep in a bar the other night, and fell asleep at a dinner party on the couch, leaving me as the only single among the couples and humiliated. I feel like I can't take him anywhere or if I need him to be sober, I have to think about it ahead of time and make him promise me not to drink.
I don't want to be his mother, but everything else in our relationship is great. He seems a bit old to still be drinking like we did in college. Has anyone been through something similar? Do they ever recover or is this something that is going to get worse?
To his credit, since I've been complaining in the first year, the occasions of this have significantly decreased. But if he does it at my friend's wedding, does that mean he could do it at my work? Or does he still have the sensibility not to? I'm unclear whether he just exercises poor judgment or if he truly has a problem.
I have moved out of our apartment temporarily and am couch surfing with my friends until I figure out what to do. I just feel it's gotten to be too big of an issue and I can't count on him to put his best foot forward when alcohol is around. Do I need to call it quits or is there hope for us?
My boyfriend is a sloppy drunk, he slurs his words, his face shows his drunkenness, and he often becomes incoherent. Recently he's even been falling asleep in public. Again, this only happens about once every three months, but I still find it unacceptable and most of all, I'm embarrassed.
Though I want to blame his friends, at my friend's rehearsal dinner (when he was my guest and didn't know anyone at the dinner) there was an abundance of wine on the table. My boyfriend was the drunkest one at the table, when he wasn't even a true guest, and I was embarrassed. He fell asleep in a bar the other night, and fell asleep at a dinner party on the couch, leaving me as the only single among the couples and humiliated. I feel like I can't take him anywhere or if I need him to be sober, I have to think about it ahead of time and make him promise me not to drink.
I don't want to be his mother, but everything else in our relationship is great. He seems a bit old to still be drinking like we did in college. Has anyone been through something similar? Do they ever recover or is this something that is going to get worse?
To his credit, since I've been complaining in the first year, the occasions of this have significantly decreased. But if he does it at my friend's wedding, does that mean he could do it at my work? Or does he still have the sensibility not to? I'm unclear whether he just exercises poor judgment or if he truly has a problem.
I have moved out of our apartment temporarily and am couch surfing with my friends until I figure out what to do. I just feel it's gotten to be too big of an issue and I can't count on him to put his best foot forward when alcohol is around. Do I need to call it quits or is there hope for us?
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 2,284
His drinking sounds really out of control. He could be a binge type alcoholic. They can go periods without a drink but when they pick up it's non stop. Also, his falling asleep in public may indicate some drug abuse. Passing out is one thing but if he is "nodding off" & then waking up it doesn't sound like alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 50
That sounds like ME when I was drinking, and I am a total alcoholic. Alcoholism and addiction are progressive and incurable. This means they get worse over time and can not be cured. It is possible that he may be able to find recovery and stay sober for a long time. However this is a long process that requires dedication and hard work - and also a deep level of desperation. I knew I had a problem for years before I was willing to do anything about it. I had to become desperate to get sober before I did - they call it the "gift of desperation", and it only happened for me after 2 DUIs, 3 other arrests, probation, rehab, outpatient, and countless consequences in my personal life. I do not know him and can only speak from my experience, but it sounds like he has immersed himself in a lifestyle, social circle, etc. that supports his drinking and at this point, he probably sees it as a part of who he is. At least I did. Drinking was my identity, and so I liked to be around people who drank like me. It was hard to get out of that life until after I had gotten so bad that my old friends didn't want to be around me anymore.
If he is anything like me, he will probably have to get worse before he gets better, if he ever does get better.
The real question is whether it is worth it to you. Recovery is a lifelong process. He will always be an alcoholic, even if he has stayed sober for 20 years. Before a certain point, a lot of alcoholics can stop drinking if they feel like they really need to - but they can not stay stopped. At least, that was my story. People do drink again after decades of sobriety, and in the years I have been in AA, I have never heard one person say it got better - they all say it gets worse. They end up drinking as much, or more, as they used to, very rapidly. People become daily drinkers who, in the past, only drank on weekends or sporadically binge drank.
These are just my story, and the stories of people I know well. It does not mean that this will be his story, but from my experience, it sounds like he has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, and it will not get better (and stay better) until he is willing to undergo serious changes in his life and his mindset.
If he is anything like me, he will probably have to get worse before he gets better, if he ever does get better.
The real question is whether it is worth it to you. Recovery is a lifelong process. He will always be an alcoholic, even if he has stayed sober for 20 years. Before a certain point, a lot of alcoholics can stop drinking if they feel like they really need to - but they can not stay stopped. At least, that was my story. People do drink again after decades of sobriety, and in the years I have been in AA, I have never heard one person say it got better - they all say it gets worse. They end up drinking as much, or more, as they used to, very rapidly. People become daily drinkers who, in the past, only drank on weekends or sporadically binge drank.
These are just my story, and the stories of people I know well. It does not mean that this will be his story, but from my experience, it sounds like he has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, and it will not get better (and stay better) until he is willing to undergo serious changes in his life and his mindset.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Welcome to SR but I am sorry for the reasons you are here.
Just an FYI, this is the friends and family of substance abuse. SR has a friends and family of alcoholics too. There are many stickies on that side to read for more information specifically related to alcoholism. Please feel free to post wherever you want (as alcohol is a drug and the addiction will progress) but the other section has far more information about alcoholism.
The best advice I ever received was to trust my instincts and not ignore red flags. Oh, how I wish I had listened. Please educate yourself now before you make any further decisions. Living with an active addict/alcoholic can be very painful. We can become as sick as them trying to change, rescue or fix them. Recovery is inside job ONLY!! You are powerless over his addiction.
You didn't cause it, you can not control it and you can not cure it.
Just an FYI, this is the friends and family of substance abuse. SR has a friends and family of alcoholics too. There are many stickies on that side to read for more information specifically related to alcoholism. Please feel free to post wherever you want (as alcohol is a drug and the addiction will progress) but the other section has far more information about alcoholism.
The best advice I ever received was to trust my instincts and not ignore red flags. Oh, how I wish I had listened. Please educate yourself now before you make any further decisions. Living with an active addict/alcoholic can be very painful. We can become as sick as them trying to change, rescue or fix them. Recovery is inside job ONLY!! You are powerless over his addiction.
You didn't cause it, you can not control it and you can not cure it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I'm sorry that your bf's drinking has caused relationship problems. Your eyes are open. You know what you're dealing with. Are you willing to be involved with that for a life time. I'm not sure why I married my XAH with the anticipation that he would change or outgrow his behaviors....but I did.
If you were my very dearest friend, I would ask you "can you accept and love him entirely exactly as he is?" And then I'd shut up and let you talk. What you said at that point would be very telling.
gentle hugs
ke
If you were my very dearest friend, I would ask you "can you accept and love him entirely exactly as he is?" And then I'd shut up and let you talk. What you said at that point would be very telling.
gentle hugs
ke
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
