story74

I met up with someone from my past today. Someone who knew both me and my AXH. She is super awesome, but I still hate it. I hate the, "So, have you heard from him?...What's going on?" question. I have known this woman for 18 years. She was at our wedding, She was at our baby shower. I really like her...I just hate it. Part of me is embarassed. Embarassed we got a divorce, he cheated, the drugs, his immaturity. And, not to contradict myself...I don't mind telling people my story. it just seems easier to tell to those I don't know. I have nothing to hide. The thing is, my XAH was SUCH a charmer. EVERYBODY LOVED him. So when the whole "town" heard what happened nobody could believe that he abandoned his family, was on coke and sleeping with another woman. I always feel like I have to defend myself. That my words will be repeated to someone else. That I have to make sure I quickly tell them everything so that they know I am not to blame for him leaving. But, even though that is how I may feel initaially...I know ultimately whatever they think doesn't matter. I have picked up the pieces and am doing the best I can. I'm a smart and strong woman. I'm getting thru this.


I do feel like I am in hiding. I don't want to see anyone from our past. Does anyone else feel like this? In a way I am starting over. I have knew friends. Moved further south. I don't talk to a single person we were both friends with (most knew about the cheating and drugs and didn't tell me). I guess this is the way I am healing. I'm not even quite ready to talk about it, but seems like once someone asks me a question I can't stop talking!

What gets me everytime is that they ask these questions, and I give the answers and everytime I get amazment and disbelief. Like they just don't really get it. They know my MIA AXH is sick, but they don't understand addiction. They show compassion, but they don'y get it. They don't understand what I have been through. The people I am close with get it...it took awhile, but they understand.

My point to all this ramble is just amazement that addiction is so powerful and destructive and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Unless you live it, it is so hard to understand. BUT you could say this with anything.

Maybe one day, I won't be afraid to go somewhere for fear of seeing an "old friend".

lightseeker

Oh....I so hear the pain in your post. And I really do understand. The problem is that people that don't understand addiction, don't understand addiction. People make "usual" and normal small talk and little do they know the wealth of pain and trouble that they may unearth.

I had to work through a lot of my own feelings of shame....everytime anyone asked me anything it triggered my sense of shame. It's taken a while to make friends with those emotions and find peace.

For a long time I felt that I needed to give everyone that even mentioned my ex the "long story"....the explanation. It's getting to the point now that I just sidestep comments and move on. The people that I need and want to understand "do" and the rest of them - well, their opinion of me is none of my business.

I've hidden out/stayed away from old friends/acquaintances for a long time because I just don't like dealing with "the story" anymore. Luckily there has been enough time now that I just say....."I don't know how he is....it's been a long time". In response to the questions of "what happened?" I simply say that it's sad but things just didn't work out.

Little does anyone need to really hear what a cretin I think my ex is and how much I dislike him now. I just don't want to waste anymore time on him and the life he robbed me of.

It's going to get better - I hate that you have to go through it but it's the only way to the other side.

story74

It does get better! Great insight Lightseeker. Thank you.

Chloe1981

I can definitely relate.. AH and myself come from a suburb where everyone knows everything. For the longest time no one knew big now word is getting out since I have told a few people and also because his brother is an addict.. I find myself avoiding family and friends right now because I don't want to deal with them.

Lara

It is very difficult. When I am asked about H - and almost on a daily basis - it get's exhausting. Some people are genuinly concerned and do care -mutual friends. Some people are concerned about me - and others just want to hear the gossip. Unless it is a VERY close friend who actually 'gets' it and has an inkling of what I have been through - or unless it is close family - I usually feel people are just prying, and have that expression on their face of 'Lara is such a fool'. Maybe I am just supersensitive - but find myself wanting to 'defend' the whole situation. The problem with H is he has publicly screwed up on a massive level - on a very small island - so EVERYBODY knows - and I hate those condascending looks of 'sympathy.
So I find the best reply is: Thank you for asking. I appreciate your concern. Addiction is an extremely tragic and painful disease. I would prefer not to discuss it right now. So how are you???? blah blah blah

Ann

I get the same questions about my son who has been missing for over 8 years. Have you heard from your son?...my answer is simply "No." I offer nothing more...there is nothing more.

I share with my recovery friends and a very few safe friends. For the rest of the world, I don't hide and I don't lie, I just refuse to discuss.

It will get better, practice helps us find the right words.

Hugs

Chloe1981

I do the same- I want to defend him and my situation. My family does not understand what I am going through. I have a very close, large italian family and I haven't been over to see my Nonna (grandma) since before Christmas. I just don't want to talk, explain etc.. And I don't want them to judge me or him.

helpme33

My EXAH and I were from the same small town, and we both worked for a large organization. I felt like everyone but ME knew the extent of his use and when he was fired for selling drugs from the company vehicle I didn't know about it until I ran into his boss about two years later. Some of his affairs were with women in our organization. It is humiliation at it's highest! Just hold your head up - he did it not you!!!

When I come home to visit someone will still ask me about him - 25+ years later!!! I can't tell you how many times I just want to say it is really none of your business. Sometimes I don't even remember who the person is that is asking these extremely personal questions!

And now with my son posting weird stuff on FB, he is obviously high, and everyone has to ask me about that.

I try to do as Ann, just a short answer, I don't go on FB so I really don't know.
detach.....detach.....detach.....and repeat!!!

Hanna

I remember feeling like that all the time before my brother was clean. Most questions were all out of kindness. It was my brother and these were all my own friends, not people that knew him. But I often had nothing good to say and didn't want to get into it so when I felt like that I would say "I can't even think about it, honestly." and then change the subject.

But it is hard for me to fathom what people are thinking when they ask you about your Ex. It strikes me as downright inconsiderate because under the best of circumstances many people don't usually want to talk about their Ex. I'd probably just be direct and, as kindly as possible, say "Oh, let's talk about something more interesting than that. How are you? What's new and good in your life?"

It's even harder to understand why someone would ask a parent about their child that is posting odd things on FB. Really, downright rude and sounds like they are only looking fodder for gossip. Unless it was someone I wanted to remain on good terms with, I would probably just remain silent and maintain eye contact with someone that was prying into my life and putting me on the spot like that.

I remember visiting home and bumping into someone while I was with my mom during one of the most difficult periods. The lady waited until Mom was out of earshot and said to me "How is your Mother doing?" in a way that just rubbed me wrong because it was oozing with pity which is something Mom and both loathe. Big difference between empathy and pity. I said "Mom is great!!! Thanks so much for asking." As if I had no clue what the lady meant. Mom later said those people were the ones that caused her to start shopping in a grocery store the next town over.

story74

Well, it is nice to hear everyone's words.

One thing that came out of this horrible trauma is that I learned NOT to be so judgemental, AND not to gossip about others. That, I am proud of.

I think right now I am in a good place for everything I have been through. I think it is obvious I have more healing to do. I also think that I need to learn to politely shut it down. I don't have to defend myself or stick up for myself. I know the truth. I am living it.

Just another step towards the road to recovery!

Thanks to all!