Compassion on steroids
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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Compassion on steroids
Compassion vs tough love......hmmmmm........
What I don't think some people understand is the difference between healthy compassion and compassion on steroids (aka codependence).
Codependents take compassion to an extreme....to a point where it is no longer compassion but becomes an unhealthy desire to control in order to try to cope with the extreme discomfort caused by the actions, addictions or behaviors of another person. It is driven by a fear so penetrating that it invades their every cell. It becomes an unhealthy obsession. This obsession is then exploited by the manipulations of the addict....to keep the codependent engaged in the unhealthy rituals. It's a circle game......each dependent on the other.
Suggesting that a codependent is not compassionate is like filling a syringe with heroin and holding it front of a heroin addict and suggesting that they aren't an addict! Or pouring a nice double shot of vodka in front of an alcoholic and suggesting that they can drink responsibly. They'll believe you!
Most of the people here on SR are struggling to understand a healthy balance and how to love in an appropriate manner. We try to share our own experience, strength and hope with others. We support each other when we're struggling. We share what allows us to find peace within ourselves.....whether the addict continues to use or not. We are trying to find the appropriate balance between true compassion......and compassion on steroids.
gentle hugs
ke
What I don't think some people understand is the difference between healthy compassion and compassion on steroids (aka codependence).
Codependents take compassion to an extreme....to a point where it is no longer compassion but becomes an unhealthy desire to control in order to try to cope with the extreme discomfort caused by the actions, addictions or behaviors of another person. It is driven by a fear so penetrating that it invades their every cell. It becomes an unhealthy obsession. This obsession is then exploited by the manipulations of the addict....to keep the codependent engaged in the unhealthy rituals. It's a circle game......each dependent on the other.
Suggesting that a codependent is not compassionate is like filling a syringe with heroin and holding it front of a heroin addict and suggesting that they aren't an addict! Or pouring a nice double shot of vodka in front of an alcoholic and suggesting that they can drink responsibly. They'll believe you!
Most of the people here on SR are struggling to understand a healthy balance and how to love in an appropriate manner. We try to share our own experience, strength and hope with others. We support each other when we're struggling. We share what allows us to find peace within ourselves.....whether the addict continues to use or not. We are trying to find the appropriate balance between true compassion......and compassion on steroids.
gentle hugs
ke
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Excellent post Kindeyes!!
IMO, a healthy balance of compassion is a process and takes work to maintain. For anyone to imply that we lack compassion or love is simply absurd.
Tough love does not mean we are heartless or villains, it simply means we are creating and enforcing boundaries for ourselves - to achieve or maintain healthy compassion.
IMO, a healthy balance of compassion is a process and takes work to maintain. For anyone to imply that we lack compassion or love is simply absurd.
Tough love does not mean we are heartless or villains, it simply means we are creating and enforcing boundaries for ourselves - to achieve or maintain healthy compassion.
The sun still shines
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
**Applause ** Excellent explanation of the difference. Often co-dependants also use compassion as a manipulation tool. We use it to feel better about ourselves, to make up for the bitterness and anger we feel towards the addict at other times. It ends up not being about the addict at all, but about how we feel whilst doing these things.
As a mother, it took me so long to understand that true compassion and acceptance of my son, meant distance between us and letting him have the experiences his addiction dictates.
As a mother, it took me so long to understand that true compassion and acceptance of my son, meant distance between us and letting him have the experiences his addiction dictates.
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Originally Posted by LoveMeNow 
Tough love does not mean we are heartless or villains, it simply means we are creating and enforcing boundaries for ourselves - to achieve or maintain healthy compassion.
Thanks for helping me simplify a very complex topic. I like it
One Day At A Time
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: The Middle Distance
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Originally Posted by Ilovemysonjj
Thanks KE, this sums up the tightrope between our enabling behaviors and the desires and real compassion we as loved ones have.
Love the tightrope analogy. It brings the whole concept of balance to mind...
Thanks again for all the wise words....
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