my addict son

Old 01-21-2013, 03:26 PM
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my addict son

my first time here an i am looking for suppoirt i have a son 29, who has been addicted to oxycotin/opiates for 9 years, he has been to jail many times and thru the legal systems as well as us he has been to treatment centers over and over again, he gets 9 months clean and relapses time and time again. now he has committed a burglary on top of already being a felon due to the fact his first offense he was giving pre-trial diversion where he failed to comply so now he is a felon with a new burglary charge. i am literally sick and have noone to talk to abt this, i can no longer help him and i am worried sick over what the courts will do to him on this newest charge, please someone help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 01-21-2013, 03:44 PM
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Welcome to the forums,

We have a friend and family section that is full of advice and support.

Natom.
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Old 01-21-2013, 03:47 PM
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I moved your post mamabutterfly
I know you'll find a support here

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Old 01-21-2013, 03:52 PM
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Welcome to SR.....although I am so very sorry for the circumstances that bring you here.

There is a Posse of Mommas here on the F&F of Substance Abuse forum. We all understand the anxiety, confusion, and fear that is involved when our loved one is addicted. The legal entanglements, the fear of overdose, the concern for their health and wellbeing, and all of the other stuff that goes along with addiction.......it's tough to handle alone.

We'll walk with you. We'll share our own experience, strength and hope.

Stick around. Post. Participate. Ask questions. Read.

You are not alone.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 01-21-2013, 07:41 PM
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I am having such a hard time accepting the choices my son has made especially after all the family support he has been given these last several years, now i fear his grandparents and his father are done an i am left to be the only one here for him, my heart is heavy, sad and broken, it seems my worries show lack of faith but faith is the only thing that has gotten me this far, now as he faces a few years in jail possibly....i just dont know what to do anymore. i try to look at it in the positive, that he is being rescued from himself by going to jail for awhile, that this will save him from an overdose, so many things cross my mind but i just cant focus on anything but him and his troubles and i am worn out emotionally, mentally and now it is taking toll on my health
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Old 01-21-2013, 08:33 PM
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Dear Mamabutterfly, my addicted son has been in jail twice due to stealing from us and has two felonies due to his thefts! Believe me I understand your concern and stress, but....
Your son must face the consequences of his actions in order to understand or grasp what is acceptable and not. I am so guilty of masking and excusing so many things my son did before he got so desperate in his actions, he was practically dialing the police for me! He is getting out in February and going back to inpatient. This time, i am NOT going to continue to solve all of his problems. He found a way to survive entirely on his own for 4 months without any contact with us and now he is determined (he says) to do this on his own, taking help from others who have been there before him and he says he will either sink or swim on his own. He will be 23 in March.
All I know is, I had to let him go and give him up to God in order to keep my own sanity.
Trust in HP, trust that only the addict can change when they are ready, nothing you do or don't do will affect this decision. Sometimes jail is the only way they can see the life they have chosen and desire something different.
I will be here to support you as many other Mamma's will as well.
We understand.
Hugs,
Teresa
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Old 01-22-2013, 06:22 AM
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Originally Posted by mamabuttrfly View Post
I am having such a hard time accepting the choices my son has made especially after all the family support he has been given these last several years, now i fear his grandparents and his father are done an i am left to be the only one here for him, my heart is heavy, sad and broken, it seems my worries show lack of faith but faith is the only thing that has gotten me this far, now as he faces a few years in jail possibly....i just dont know what to do anymore. i try to look at it in the positive, that he is being rescued from himself by going to jail for awhile, that this will save him from an overdose, so many things cross my mind but i just cant focus on anything but him and his troubles and i am worn out emotionally, mentally and now it is taking toll on my health
Ok....breathe.....now share with us what you have been doing to take care of yourself. Have you tried attending meetings (Nar-Anon or Al-Anon)? Or considered seeing a therapist? Reading books that deal with coping with an addicted loved one? Share with us about you.

Often when we ask this question, people realize that they have been so busy trying to fix the addict or cleanup the messes in his/her wake, that they have completely neglected themselves and other family members. At least that was certainly true in my case.

We (loved ones of addicts) also reach a point of being sick and tired of being sick and tired. And that's ok. Sometimes we have to get to that point before we're ready to accept the fact that we need help. We can't cope with this alone.

Tell us about you.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 01-22-2013, 06:32 AM
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Another mom here. My son is 23, living in an SLE after second in patient rehab. I know the desperation you feel, wishing your son would "just get it." Worrying that I (as the last person still hanging in there for him/not giving up) couldn't abandon him because that would be his last chance at getting it.

Although my son is very new in his recovery, he is very clear to me that what really got him to take notice was when "I" drew the line. I really think he respected me for finally keeping my boundary. In our arguments while he wasn't sober, he made comments indicating he wanted me to take a firm stand. Regardless if age, children always desire a boundary. That's how they know where their safe place is. Although they may kick and scream and fight it, they do know deep down inside that if they honor that boundary, they are safe. No more fighting.

My son talks about all the pain he was experiencing while high, trying to self soothe. So many people in his life tried to make him see what he was doing, but he just didn't get it. Like you, I felt like I was the last one hanging on for him. And therein lies the power. Show him you love yourself enough to put a stop to your pain - which means removing yourself from your own child's life - only then will he see the example you are setting for yourself. He may gain respect for you and look inside himself differently. As mothers, I think we have the ability to impact our children's mindset by doing what we preach. Take steps to make yourself better. Do whatever it takes to reduce the pain in your own life. Here!s a big one - put yourself first! It doesn't feel natural and you will need to really work it, but its worth it. Your son will view you differently - not as a quitter, but one who is fixing what is in her power to fix. Lead by example. You will cry and second guess yourself, but it is a journey you must make. For your sanity and for any chance that your son may see things differently than before.

Prayers for you and your family.
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Old 01-22-2013, 11:08 AM
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Hi MB. You'll find support here. I will tell you that I lost more sleep over my AD when she was homeless than when she was in prison. My AD has been to prison once and headed there again I think. The first time I think it saved her from herself because she'd gotten so thin and sick. While she was in prison, I was at least able to communicate with her via email and she was a sane and sober person unlike the crazy person she was prior to being incarcerated. I was also able to know she had food, shelter, and medical care while in prison. Unfortuanately, when she got out, she relapsed immmediately and narrowly survived an overdose. She will face prison again soon and tells me that she will make a better effort to stay clean when she gets out - although she hasn't done much about it while she awaits her court date. I hope that she does choose recovery when she gets out this second time-but that is up to her.
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Old 01-22-2013, 11:49 AM
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Hi! Welcome to SR.

I am a mother to a 32 yr. old son who has a bit over 3 years sober from opiate addiction. I know how hard it is and I know how much you are struggling.

As Kindeyes said, I hope you will start focusing on you. I know both AlAnon and NarAnon meetings saved my life. I found other parents dealing w/adult children addicts and their struggles w/rehab, jail, homelessness, etc. I also found many folks who were working the program of recovery from being consumed (addicted) to their children and learning to live their own lives and letting their adult children take care of themselves.
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Old 01-22-2013, 12:11 PM
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Dear MamaB, this is so very hard on you and I am sorry. My daughter and her boyfriend were both H addicts. My daughter used irregularly for a couple of years and then fell into full addiction for another two years. Her boyfriend, on the other hand, was a full blown addict for almost 10 years. He is about the same age as your son with a similar history.

Both kids truly wanted to quit using H, but while my daughter was able, her boyfriend could not shake his cravings. I did a lot of research and so did they and we all came to the decision that his only option was methadone. It was a very scary decision because it meant that he would probably be using methadone for the rest of his life. And the recovery community seems to look down on methadone as treatment.

While we were researching our options, I learned that H changes the addicts brain over time. After a period, according to my research, the addict's brain can no longer produce endorphins and other feel good natural chemicals. So for these addicts, a 12 step program alone is not sufficient.

So, my daughter's boyfriend is now using Methadone and is kicking himself for not starting the program sooner. His cravings are gone and he is so much happier. He says that he feels normal for the first time in years.

According to the World Health Organization, Methadone and Suboxone have an 80% success rate. It was really frightening for the boyfriend to commit to a life time of Methadone, but we feel that at least now he has a life time ahead of him.

Again, I do not recommend this action to everyone and I would not want my daughter to use it at this point in her addiction, but it is working great for him. I just believe that since your son has tried multiple recovery options and he has been using for many years, you should keep an open mind and consider all options.

As a mom, my thoughts are with you.
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Old 01-22-2013, 05:38 PM
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MamaB, I know how you feel you are not alone there are many of us parents here who have felt the same. I have 2 sons who abuse substances for a long time I felt guilty I now know it wasn't my fault. You didn't cause it, You can't control it, You can't cure it.

I became very sick from worrying, blaming myself, trying to save my sons, etc... I had gotten to a point where I either could not sleep or would sleep all the time my thoughts were always on them what can I do etc...

I in time learned what I could do was take care of me something I wasn't doing.

Get enough sleep don't over sleep
Eat healthy or in my case in the beginning just be sure and eat
Keep my house tidy to MY liking

Shower the simple things most people do that I was not doing daily.
I found this site and then I started Ala-non as there is no Nar-anon in my area.
I also read Codependent No more a book my Melody Beattie

I will be praying for you and your precious son.
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