A Little Re-Intro Need/Want Support from Moms/Grandmas
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
A Little Re-Intro Need/Want Support from Moms/Grandmas
Hi - I just wanted to reintroduce myself because it appears this forum has a lot of moms with a lot of recovery and I could use some support.
I read Kind-Eyes post about "A call . . . " and was impressed with her ability to remain detached.
My grandson is alcoholic and 19 - and in trouble. I only found out just a little more than a year ago that there was a problem of any kind . . .I had been a support person for him (complicated family dynamics) and made sure he had the basics so he could graduate from high school (which he did, just barely). I was not aware of any drinking details until it became so serious there were legal repercussions, etc.
We (the family) sent him to rehab last year and then supported him in an SLE. He had many relapses and slips (which he evidently classifies as different).
My entire family imploded - the stress was unbearable - lots of chaos and grief and broken relationships. My hair fell out.
I am now regaining my health and trying to maintain healthy boundaries.
He called me yesterday (which I wrote about on the F&F of A's Forum) - I am always blind-sighted - I always want to think the best of him - that he is getting better, etc.
He is on "vacation" at the moment, and I have been trying to be supportive, sending books and letters, etc. He asked me for something I think shows extremely bad judgment and I said "no" in a round-about way - I feel like he badgers and bullies me to get his way sometimes. He usually apologizes, but this time he didn't . . .
Anyway, I have been praying for him and myself . . . I had seen a DVD of him recently when he was a child and he was so sweet . . . I wonder where that sweetness went - it is a real mystery to me.
I have questioned everything I have done for him - when he was a child, I felt my role was to be supportive and nurturing - who knew he was drinking alcoholically as a teenager? I had no clue. I thought he was just having teen angst and being difficult but didn't know the full picture (and even now, am grateful that I don't know details, because what I do know sickened me to the core).
I would love prayers for myself to be able to have a healthy, happy life despite what he does or doesn't do - and to be free of obsessing and worrying about him - and for him to heal emotionally and spiritually and to grow up - the same thing most people probably want for themselves and their kids or grandkids.
Thank you for any prayers.
I was in Alanon for six years but don't go anymore. I use SR as my "recovery" place, but I don't work a 12 step program . . . my spirituality is very important to me, however and I do have spiritual practices.
I read Kind-Eyes post about "A call . . . " and was impressed with her ability to remain detached.
My grandson is alcoholic and 19 - and in trouble. I only found out just a little more than a year ago that there was a problem of any kind . . .I had been a support person for him (complicated family dynamics) and made sure he had the basics so he could graduate from high school (which he did, just barely). I was not aware of any drinking details until it became so serious there were legal repercussions, etc.
We (the family) sent him to rehab last year and then supported him in an SLE. He had many relapses and slips (which he evidently classifies as different).
My entire family imploded - the stress was unbearable - lots of chaos and grief and broken relationships. My hair fell out.
I am now regaining my health and trying to maintain healthy boundaries.
He called me yesterday (which I wrote about on the F&F of A's Forum) - I am always blind-sighted - I always want to think the best of him - that he is getting better, etc.
He is on "vacation" at the moment, and I have been trying to be supportive, sending books and letters, etc. He asked me for something I think shows extremely bad judgment and I said "no" in a round-about way - I feel like he badgers and bullies me to get his way sometimes. He usually apologizes, but this time he didn't . . .
Anyway, I have been praying for him and myself . . . I had seen a DVD of him recently when he was a child and he was so sweet . . . I wonder where that sweetness went - it is a real mystery to me.
I have questioned everything I have done for him - when he was a child, I felt my role was to be supportive and nurturing - who knew he was drinking alcoholically as a teenager? I had no clue. I thought he was just having teen angst and being difficult but didn't know the full picture (and even now, am grateful that I don't know details, because what I do know sickened me to the core).
I would love prayers for myself to be able to have a healthy, happy life despite what he does or doesn't do - and to be free of obsessing and worrying about him - and for him to heal emotionally and spiritually and to grow up - the same thing most people probably want for themselves and their kids or grandkids.
Thank you for any prayers.
I was in Alanon for six years but don't go anymore. I use SR as my "recovery" place, but I don't work a 12 step program . . . my spirituality is very important to me, however and I do have spiritual practices.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome (again!?) to SR. I started out a few years ago on the F&F of Alcoholics and moved to the F&F of Substance Abusers as my son's disease progressed and DOC changed.
The Posse of Mommas here on this forum is a strong group of ladies and we walk with each other, hug (vitually) each other when we need it, and understand how very difficult it is to stay healthy in a dynamic that includes drugs and/or alcohol.
I think we all do what is important as our children (grandchildren) are growing up, nurture and support. But at some point, that goes haywire.....drugs or alcohol enter the picture and it begins slowly and creeps up on us. Our behaviors don't change when they should be changing.......and the dance begins.
You and your dear grandson will be in my prayers (as will the rest of your family). I found that if nothing changes......nothing changes. I let it begin with me (which is kinda smart (said tongue in cheek).....since that's all I have control of.....lol......).
gentle hugs
ke
The Posse of Mommas here on this forum is a strong group of ladies and we walk with each other, hug (vitually) each other when we need it, and understand how very difficult it is to stay healthy in a dynamic that includes drugs and/or alcohol.
I think we all do what is important as our children (grandchildren) are growing up, nurture and support. But at some point, that goes haywire.....drugs or alcohol enter the picture and it begins slowly and creeps up on us. Our behaviors don't change when they should be changing.......and the dance begins.
You and your dear grandson will be in my prayers (as will the rest of your family). I found that if nothing changes......nothing changes. I let it begin with me (which is kinda smart (said tongue in cheek).....since that's all I have control of.....lol......).
gentle hugs
ke
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
Thank you. I appreciate the prayers. It is wonderful there is such a great "mom support system" over here. Support is what is missing in my life, and it is so important to me in keeping me strong and on the right path.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Seek, I am the mother of an addict, and I have a 17-year-old granddaughter who could go either way at this point.
What I have learned is beating myself up over the past in my shortcomings as a mother and/or grandmother serves no useful purpose, and keeps me responding to situations out of guilt and fear. Oh what a mess I make when I do that!
I too have a spiritual base that I must maintain in order to have any serenity.
Sending you hugs of support, dear!
What I have learned is beating myself up over the past in my shortcomings as a mother and/or grandmother serves no useful purpose, and keeps me responding to situations out of guilt and fear. Oh what a mess I make when I do that!
I too have a spiritual base that I must maintain in order to have any serenity.
Sending you hugs of support, dear!
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
We all have our own processes. Because I had no idea what was going on and had such high expectations (because he was a star athlete and was in college), I went through a very painful process of reviewing and questioning everything. I feel most of that process has been completed, but there may still be some remnants.
Part of my "loss" was the feeling that I had "wasted" twenty year's raising him. I thought that my efforts would have positive results - it never occurred to me there were other possibilities. I do forgive myself and see I did the best I could possibly do under difficult circumstances.
I am trying to heal and feel I have been blessed with some healing and look forward to more health and well-being.
Part of my "loss" was the feeling that I had "wasted" twenty year's raising him. I thought that my efforts would have positive results - it never occurred to me there were other possibilities. I do forgive myself and see I did the best I could possibly do under difficult circumstances.
I am trying to heal and feel I have been blessed with some healing and look forward to more health and well-being.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Seek - another mom here - of a 27-YEAR-OLD AS.
I cannot speak to the prayer list. But my best advice is to get back into Al-Anon. While SR is a wonderful resource, Al-Anon (or Naranon) are valuable in a different way. There you have a voice amongst real people, and for some reason there is a healing there that is different.
The feelings you have about what you feel is wasting your time in helping this young man and getting such a negative result is just simply your grieving. This is a natural part of what you are going through, what we have all gone through. We have all second-guessed our parenting (or grandparenting). I am sure you know you cannot skip over this grieving process and that the only way out is through. But you can educate yourself about substances, what each substance does to the brain, what kind of behavior comes from a person whose brain has these substances, etc. There are lots of good books listed in the stickies that we have all gotten something from. You have your homework my dear!
Keep coming back! Things are bound to improve for you. I also suffered major health issues when first dealing with my son's drug problems; but even though my son is still actively using, I am better. And because I am better, my son has a better shot at finding recovery. It is a win-win situation!
I cannot speak to the prayer list. But my best advice is to get back into Al-Anon. While SR is a wonderful resource, Al-Anon (or Naranon) are valuable in a different way. There you have a voice amongst real people, and for some reason there is a healing there that is different.
The feelings you have about what you feel is wasting your time in helping this young man and getting such a negative result is just simply your grieving. This is a natural part of what you are going through, what we have all gone through. We have all second-guessed our parenting (or grandparenting). I am sure you know you cannot skip over this grieving process and that the only way out is through. But you can educate yourself about substances, what each substance does to the brain, what kind of behavior comes from a person whose brain has these substances, etc. There are lots of good books listed in the stickies that we have all gotten something from. You have your homework my dear!
Keep coming back! Things are bound to improve for you. I also suffered major health issues when first dealing with my son's drug problems; but even though my son is still actively using, I am better. And because I am better, my son has a better shot at finding recovery. It is a win-win situation!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
I respect everyone's processes and what works for them. There are bunch of reasons I don't feel I resonate with Alanon anymore. I do have that experience and have read a lot of the literature so I understand the language. I am not interested in educating myself about substances - I want to learn to spend my time thinking about positive things and things that interest me (holistic health, etc.). I do need the support, even though I am no longer a program person . . . I still need to practice detachment and "let go and let God," etc.
Thank you!
Thank you!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Seek, I am the mother of an addict and am cheering you on.
Don't beat yourself up. When we know better, we do better. It's all a learning experience and we just try not to repeat the mistakes of our past.
I don't have a prayer list, although I pray for all our addicts in my morning prayers. Also, there is a thread here called "Prayers for the Addict Who Suffers" here where I (and others) post a prayer each morning for all addicts who still suffer, and for we who love them.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-9-a-12.html
Hugs
Don't beat yourself up. When we know better, we do better. It's all a learning experience and we just try not to repeat the mistakes of our past.
I don't have a prayer list, although I pray for all our addicts in my morning prayers. Also, there is a thread here called "Prayers for the Addict Who Suffers" here where I (and others) post a prayer each morning for all addicts who still suffer, and for we who love them.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-9-a-12.html
Hugs
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