A call.....
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
A call.....
.....from my son.
He called from the SA-ARC yesterday. I haven't seen him since I dropped him off there in late November. The last call was on January 1st. At that time he sounded good...really good. But I've been there, done that before......so I haven't gotten terribly excited about it. It was the "pink cloud" and I recognized it.
Here we are, three weeks later (after the January 1st phone call) and I got a call from him yesterday. The pink cloud has moved on as evidenced by this call.
He was in full manipulation mode.
Step One (elevate fear)
"This place is beginning to feel like a prison. It's easy to get kicked out of here. They kick people out for any little infraction." (Translation: I've messed up a few times and I may get kicked out but it's not my fault....they have too many rules.)
My reaction: I'm sorry to hear that.
Step Two (make her feel sorry for me)
"Someone stole all my underwear, face wash, and stuff. And they only let us go to some horrible Asian market to get stuff...... it's called waji-something."
My reaction: I'm sorry to hear that....wait are you talking about Uwajimayas? That's such a cool store! I've made special trips up there just to go to that market! Very cool!
Step Three (well those two ploys didnt work so well--let's see if I can get her to foot the bill for something)
"I'm hoping to get a membership at a gym nearby. It's only $25 per month."
My reaction: huh.....don't they have some gym equipment there? By the way, do they allow you to have visitors yet?"
His response: "I don't know what their policies are about visitation...." (Translation: I've violated some rules so I'm not allowed to have visitors right now.)
The point of sharing this story with all of you is to remind those who are wishing that their loved one was in rehab......that rehab doesn't change them quickly. I have to keep my enthusiasm in check because he's still throwing out the same bait that he always has and it invites me to slip back into old behaviors (buying new underwear, face wash and a gym membership--please note that he never asked me to do any of that stuff--it was simply inferred) and feel like it's ok now because he's "in recovery". The "old me" would have been in my car, picking up his list of items, stopping off at the ATM for some cash, and heading up there to deliver the goods. And he never even asked me to do it......I would have been so eager to alleviate his discomfort......all in the hopes that I would be "supporting him in recovery".
I've given thought to my responses to him yesterday and I'm feeling ok about them. I'm hoping that he was just having a bad day and that he's having a better day today. More than anything, I'm glad that I'm not enmeshed in his recovery and he's in another city having to face sobriety by himself.
The games continue.....I just don't want to play. You hear often that there is nothing we can do to get them sober, and that's true, but we can sabotage their recovery by playing the games with them. I have choices.
I don't know if he's going to make it there. He's struggling. But the struggle belongs to him and I need to keep my distance. I'll let him sit in his discomfort and work through it (or not). He owns it. I'm so glad that he's far enough away that I don't have a front row seat to his recovery (that's not any more fun than having a front row to their active addiction).
If you have a spare minute, send up a quick prayer for my son. He's where he can make a life change if he chooses to do so and I believe in the power of prayer. It would be greatly appreciated.
gentle hugs
ke
He called from the SA-ARC yesterday. I haven't seen him since I dropped him off there in late November. The last call was on January 1st. At that time he sounded good...really good. But I've been there, done that before......so I haven't gotten terribly excited about it. It was the "pink cloud" and I recognized it.
Here we are, three weeks later (after the January 1st phone call) and I got a call from him yesterday. The pink cloud has moved on as evidenced by this call.
He was in full manipulation mode.
Step One (elevate fear)
"This place is beginning to feel like a prison. It's easy to get kicked out of here. They kick people out for any little infraction." (Translation: I've messed up a few times and I may get kicked out but it's not my fault....they have too many rules.)
My reaction: I'm sorry to hear that.
Step Two (make her feel sorry for me)
"Someone stole all my underwear, face wash, and stuff. And they only let us go to some horrible Asian market to get stuff...... it's called waji-something."
My reaction: I'm sorry to hear that....wait are you talking about Uwajimayas? That's such a cool store! I've made special trips up there just to go to that market! Very cool!
Step Three (well those two ploys didnt work so well--let's see if I can get her to foot the bill for something)
"I'm hoping to get a membership at a gym nearby. It's only $25 per month."
My reaction: huh.....don't they have some gym equipment there? By the way, do they allow you to have visitors yet?"
His response: "I don't know what their policies are about visitation...." (Translation: I've violated some rules so I'm not allowed to have visitors right now.)
The point of sharing this story with all of you is to remind those who are wishing that their loved one was in rehab......that rehab doesn't change them quickly. I have to keep my enthusiasm in check because he's still throwing out the same bait that he always has and it invites me to slip back into old behaviors (buying new underwear, face wash and a gym membership--please note that he never asked me to do any of that stuff--it was simply inferred) and feel like it's ok now because he's "in recovery". The "old me" would have been in my car, picking up his list of items, stopping off at the ATM for some cash, and heading up there to deliver the goods. And he never even asked me to do it......I would have been so eager to alleviate his discomfort......all in the hopes that I would be "supporting him in recovery".
I've given thought to my responses to him yesterday and I'm feeling ok about them. I'm hoping that he was just having a bad day and that he's having a better day today. More than anything, I'm glad that I'm not enmeshed in his recovery and he's in another city having to face sobriety by himself.
The games continue.....I just don't want to play. You hear often that there is nothing we can do to get them sober, and that's true, but we can sabotage their recovery by playing the games with them. I have choices.
I don't know if he's going to make it there. He's struggling. But the struggle belongs to him and I need to keep my distance. I'll let him sit in his discomfort and work through it (or not). He owns it. I'm so glad that he's far enough away that I don't have a front row seat to his recovery (that's not any more fun than having a front row to their active addiction).
If you have a spare minute, send up a quick prayer for my son. He's where he can make a life change if he chooses to do so and I believe in the power of prayer. It would be greatly appreciated.
gentle hugs
ke
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
My prayers are with you both too, Kindeyes.
Reading what you wrote made me recall far too many calls from my son that were just like you got. I didn't always handle the calls as well as you did, but I learned the hard way that nothing I did or did not do would change the outcome. Any effort on my part to control his addiction OR his recovery was a futile waste of energy and emotion, not to mention money.
Your son and mine will find recovery and embrace it, or they will not. It is all our of our hands.
So how be you and I share some cheesecake and give them the gift of allowing them to find their own way without interference from us. It's the best thing a mama can do.
Hugs from my heart to yours.
Reading what you wrote made me recall far too many calls from my son that were just like you got. I didn't always handle the calls as well as you did, but I learned the hard way that nothing I did or did not do would change the outcome. Any effort on my part to control his addiction OR his recovery was a futile waste of energy and emotion, not to mention money.
Your son and mine will find recovery and embrace it, or they will not. It is all our of our hands.
So how be you and I share some cheesecake and give them the gift of allowing them to find their own way without interference from us. It's the best thing a mama can do.
Hugs from my heart to yours.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Oh Ann....you've been with me all along and I often think of your wise words and wonderful attitude. You have always been a beacon for me.....for that I thank you my dear friend.
Thank you for the cheesecake....I must stop taking a piece....but it's just too good to pass up.
Yes....our sons will do what they will do. We have no control over it. But I was rather pleased with myself for not falling into old behaviors with the excuse of "supporting his recovery".
He's got an opportunity....what he does with it belongs to him.....but I pray. It's one thing I can do that doesn't impact him or me in a negative fashion.
gentle hugs
ke
Thank you for the cheesecake....I must stop taking a piece....but it's just too good to pass up.
Yes....our sons will do what they will do. We have no control over it. But I was rather pleased with myself for not falling into old behaviors with the excuse of "supporting his recovery".
He's got an opportunity....what he does with it belongs to him.....but I pray. It's one thing I can do that doesn't impact him or me in a negative fashion.
gentle hugs
ke
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Oh, how easy it is to fall into old behaviors.
I believed the roller coaster of emotions would be easier once my husband started to work on his recovery. But I am slowly learning, my attempts to support his recovery (and/or enabling) have been just as difficult for this "codie" wife.
I was advised and warned repeatedly to step back, don't get enmeshed, and detach but NOOOOOOOOOOO, I needed to learn the hard way. But....It could be worse though, I could not be learning at all.
Thank you for showing me again and again the healthy meaning of love and acceptance!!
I believed the roller coaster of emotions would be easier once my husband started to work on his recovery. But I am slowly learning, my attempts to support his recovery (and/or enabling) have been just as difficult for this "codie" wife.
I was advised and warned repeatedly to step back, don't get enmeshed, and detach but NOOOOOOOOOOO, I needed to learn the hard way. But....It could be worse though, I could not be learning at all.
Thank you for showing me again and again the healthy meaning of love and acceptance!!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by Kindeyes 
.....he's still throwing out the same bait that he always has and it invites me to slip back into old behaviors (buying new underwear, face wash and a gym membership--please note that he never asked me to do any of that stuff--it was simply inferred) and feel like it's ok now because he's "in recovery". The "old me" would have been in my car, picking up his list of items, stopping off at the ATM for some cash, and heading up there to deliver the goods. And he never even asked me to do it......I would have been so eager to alleviate his discomfort......all in the hopes that I would be "supporting him in recovery".
Your son is in my prayers daily - here's hoping he and his HP can get it done this time!
One Day At A Time
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: The Middle Distance
Posts: 197
"The games continue.....I just don't want to play. You hear often that there is nothing we can do to get them sober, and that's true, but we can sabotage their recovery by playing the games with them. I have choices."
I won't play the games anymore either but it's hard. I want to rescue my daughter with every fiber of my being and I don't even know where she is...but the main reason I don't try to find her and rescue her is because it would sabotage any chance of recovery for her. My sanity is secondary. I am rethinking that order since reading this....
The story you posted is one of the many things that helps me not to play because it is so honest. The truth of it touched me at the core of my being. Thanks for posting this. I consider these kind of posts my "continuing education" on how to deal with my daughter...and live an enriching life for myself (and maybe not as an afterthought).
I will certainly pray for your son...
I won't play the games anymore either but it's hard. I want to rescue my daughter with every fiber of my being and I don't even know where she is...but the main reason I don't try to find her and rescue her is because it would sabotage any chance of recovery for her. My sanity is secondary. I am rethinking that order since reading this....
The story you posted is one of the many things that helps me not to play because it is so honest. The truth of it touched me at the core of my being. Thanks for posting this. I consider these kind of posts my "continuing education" on how to deal with my daughter...and live an enriching life for myself (and maybe not as an afterthought).
I will certainly pray for your son...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
(((Kindeyes))) It's so good, you did not divert his feet from the path he must travel! He was looking for someone to lean on, but that is surely not what he needs. He can do it his self. he just has to see that he must!
You are doing so awesomely. I know it is tough, but you are loving him in the right, best , most loving way.
You are both in my prayers, always. big momma hug for a wise and loving momma.
chicory
You are doing so awesomely. I know it is tough, but you are loving him in the right, best , most loving way.
You are both in my prayers, always. big momma hug
for a wise and loving momma.chicory
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
It's so good, you did not divert his feet from the path he must travel! He was looking for someone to lean on, but that is surely not what he needs. He can do it his self. he just has to see that he must!
Thank you all for your kind words of support and for your prayers. SR is awesome!
gentle hugs and much love to you all
ke
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
It is so instructive to see how you dissected this conversation for us. That is the kind of wise detachment we are all seeking, KindEyes, so thanks for the dialogue tutorial!
Here's the essence of a conversation a friend of mine had with my RAD at a public event recently. They had not met before that night and were discussing her teenaged son who is battling addiction/mental health issues.
My friend: Well, after he ran away, I had to send him off and he is now settled in at a long-term wilderness immersion program.
RAD: Sometimes you have to do those extreme things. If I hadn't been kicked out of my apartment, I wouldn't be here--like really here,here--tonight.
My RAD has never said this to me or my sister who she was living with at the time. My friend was so touched by my RAD's compassionate support and her willingness to immediately share that it was just such an extreme boundary made by a family member that forced her to face her addiction.
Now, keeping that boundary after rehab was hard for me at first, but I have learned that once we too are really truly DONE being part of the game, we can get our strength back.
Thanks for sharing your hard-earned wisdom, once again. You are both in my prayers.
Here's the essence of a conversation a friend of mine had with my RAD at a public event recently. They had not met before that night and were discussing her teenaged son who is battling addiction/mental health issues.
My friend: Well, after he ran away, I had to send him off and he is now settled in at a long-term wilderness immersion program.
RAD: Sometimes you have to do those extreme things. If I hadn't been kicked out of my apartment, I wouldn't be here--like really here,here--tonight.
My RAD has never said this to me or my sister who she was living with at the time. My friend was so touched by my RAD's compassionate support and her willingness to immediately share that it was just such an extreme boundary made by a family member that forced her to face her addiction.
Now, keeping that boundary after rehab was hard for me at first, but I have learned that once we too are really truly DONE being part of the game, we can get our strength back.
Thanks for sharing your hard-earned wisdom, once again. You are both in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
ahhhhhhhh Kindeyes....... sending you and your son lots of prayers. This roller coaster called addiction is one rough ride. Thank you for sharing this with us all so we can be part of your support team.
I would have had all of the very same knee jerk desires to go out and purchase things and tend to his needs. What you did was called playing the tape out - for sure! I'm trying to learn how to be better about doing that.
Take care of yourself........lots of love.
I would have had all of the very same knee jerk desires to go out and purchase things and tend to his needs. What you did was called playing the tape out - for sure! I'm trying to learn how to be better about doing that.
Take care of yourself........lots of love.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
May many angels surround your son, Kindeyes. And may he have many of what Dr. Jung called "meaningful coincidences." The right person in the right place at the right time.
I hope you will do something soothing for yourself this week. Aromatherapy anything is good!
I hope you will do something soothing for yourself this week. Aromatherapy anything is good!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 5
It sounds like your replies to your son were well considered kind eyes, I really liked the 'I'm sorry to hear that' - it's gentle and caring but shows you're not getting drawn in. My husband and I have often talked about how I can employ similar phrases with my brother, but I'm definitely going to try that one out! Also I so recognize the not asking directly for things, gives them the ability to take the moral high ground while we're left running around carrying out their implicit requests. I've tied myself up in knots many times trying to figure out if this is his fault or mine! Maybe it's best not to blame and just recognize it's a dance we've been caught up in together?
I'm a confirmed atheist and don't really do prayer as such but I really hope you'll accept being in my most compassionate thoughts. Take care Xx
I'm a confirmed atheist and don't really do prayer as such but I really hope you'll accept being in my most compassionate thoughts. Take care Xx
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
Posts: 124
Kindeyes,
Thank you for this post – it's helped me see how I continued to enable my companion while he was in treatment. The manipulation was almost precisely the same, and I often fell for it, thinking "but he needs my support -- he's doing the hard work, finally." Now, with him back in the streets, I can see how he was just trying to make me responsible for his recovery (so that he could ultimately blame me for its 'failure'), and how I joined in.
Thank you for this post – it's helped me see how I continued to enable my companion while he was in treatment. The manipulation was almost precisely the same, and I often fell for it, thinking "but he needs my support -- he's doing the hard work, finally." Now, with him back in the streets, I can see how he was just trying to make me responsible for his recovery (so that he could ultimately blame me for its 'failure'), and how I joined in.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
'I'm sorry to hear that' - it's gentle and caring but shows you're not getting drawn in. My husband and I have often talked about how I can employ similar phrases with my brother, but I'm definitely going to try that one out!
I've tied myself up in knots many times trying to figure out if this is his fault or mine! Maybe it's best not to blame and just recognize it's a dance we've been caught up in together
It is a dance....and speaking for myself.....it is one that I have played a very big role in. I own my behavior and my reactions. Recognizing inappropriate behaviors and correcting them is critical for my own progression in recovery. Admitting that I've been every bit as screwed up as my son (behaviorally without substances as an excuse!) and doing something about it.
I'm a confirmed atheist and don't really do prayer as such but I really hope you'll accept being in my most compassionate thoughts. Take care Xx
gentle hugs
ke
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