A call.....
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 120
KE,
You did an amazing job of deflecting the bait! I will most certainly be praying! I must say I do not know if I would of been able to stay emotionally detached?! Perhaps being in your shoes and living through what you have with son I very well could have???? But without wisdom and courage and the understanding its impossible to to detach! In my opinion anyway! Way to go lady! Your elaboration of the store and how cool it is was great!
Adventually they get it about the changes we have made to not enable. However from my experience they just back off for a while and try again later a different way, it seems like! I always have to be careful not to be cought off guard! Your strength and wisdom I admire! Keep up the good work!
Prayes for you both!
You did an amazing job of deflecting the bait! I will most certainly be praying! I must say I do not know if I would of been able to stay emotionally detached?! Perhaps being in your shoes and living through what you have with son I very well could have???? But without wisdom and courage and the understanding its impossible to to detach! In my opinion anyway! Way to go lady! Your elaboration of the store and how cool it is was great!
Adventually they get it about the changes we have made to not enable. However from my experience they just back off for a while and try again later a different way, it seems like! I always have to be careful not to be cought off guard! Your strength and wisdom I admire! Keep up the good work!
Prayes for you both!
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Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Originally Posted by MiSoberbio 
Kindeyes,
Thank you for this post – it's helped me see how I continued to enable my companion while he was in treatment. The manipulation was almost precisely the same, and I often fell for it, thinking "but he needs my support -- he's doing the hard work, finally." Now, with him back in the streets, I can see how he was just trying to make me responsible for his recovery (so that he could ultimately blame me for its 'failure'), and how I joined in.
Thank you for this post – it's helped me see how I continued to enable my companion while he was in treatment. The manipulation was almost precisely the same, and I often fell for it, thinking "but he needs my support -- he's doing the hard work, finally." Now, with him back in the streets, I can see how he was just trying to make me responsible for his recovery (so that he could ultimately blame me for its 'failure'), and how I joined in.
Time will reveal more.....it always does. If he gets and stays sober, I won't be able to claim any credit other than I stayed out of his way, stayed on my side of the street, and let him do what he needed to do. For many years I believed in my heart that being supportive meant DOING something.......I am learning that real support is simply BEING something. (Hmmmmm.....as I re-read that I realized that maybe that's why it's called "being supportive" rather than "doing supportive". lol)
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Oh Kindeyes - (((hugs))), (((hugs))), and more (((hugs))) !!!
There is a scene in Clean & Sober where the addict in rehab (Michael Keaton) is trying to talk his counselor (Morgan Freeman) into making a not-allowed phone call. It is an amazing scene where we get a very close-up shot of the addict going through every trick in the book that worked before, but the rehab counselor is ON TOP OF IT! Just like you !!! You are up for an Academy Aware here, girl!! But best of all, your son has been given the gift of an educated mom - a gift he knows somewhere in all that crap of his is a treasure. Love bangs the door shut as well as opens (God Calling).
I pray for you and your son constantly - even when you do not ask !!
Sojourner
There is a scene in Clean & Sober where the addict in rehab (Michael Keaton) is trying to talk his counselor (Morgan Freeman) into making a not-allowed phone call. It is an amazing scene where we get a very close-up shot of the addict going through every trick in the book that worked before, but the rehab counselor is ON TOP OF IT! Just like you !!! You are up for an Academy Aware here, girl!! But best of all, your son has been given the gift of an educated mom - a gift he knows somewhere in all that crap of his is a treasure. Love bangs the door shut as well as opens (God Calling).
I pray for you and your son constantly - even when you do not ask !!
Sojourner
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Posts: 3,433
Thank you for posting this, KE. I"ve fallen in that trap a hundred times hearing the exact same words from my son. (Weird how similar the conversations are.) I always tend to go into some Pavlovian response...feeling like I have to "reward good behavior" with treats like toiletries, art supplies, new guitar strings, a trip to the barber.... and its taking me soooooooooo long to figure out how to stop doing that!! It's like a throwback to when he was 2 or 3 years old and rewarding him for successfully using the potty!!!
Must repeat to self over and over:
"I'm sorry to hear that. I know you'll figure it out."
"I'm sorry to hear that. I know you'll figure it out."
"I'm sorry to hear that. I know you'll figure it out."
"I'm sorry to hear that. I know you'll figure it out."
"I'm sorry to hear that. I know you'll figure it out."
...ad infinitum
:ghug3 Thanks for being here, KE.
Must repeat to self over and over:
"I'm sorry to hear that. I know you'll figure it out."
"I'm sorry to hear that. I know you'll figure it out."
"I'm sorry to hear that. I know you'll figure it out."
"I'm sorry to hear that. I know you'll figure it out."
"I'm sorry to hear that. I know you'll figure it out."
...ad infinitum
:ghug3 Thanks for being here, KE.
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There is a scene in Clean & Sober where the addict in rehab (Michael Keaton) is trying to talk his counselor (Morgan Freeman) into making a not-allowed phone call. It is an amazing scene where we get a very close-up shot of the addict going through every trick in the book that worked before, but the rehab counselor is ON TOP OF IT!
I pray for you and your son constantly - even when you do not ask !!
gentle hugs
ke
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Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I always tend to go into some Pavlovian response...feeling like I have to "reward good behavior" with treats like toiletries, art supplies, new guitar strings, a trip to the barber.... and its taking me soooooooooo long to figure out how to stop doing that!! It's like a throwback to when he was 2 or 3 years old and rewarding him for successfully using the potty!!!
You've also walked with me for a very long time.......and made me laugh along the way. Thank you for that.
gentle hugs
ke
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It's like a throwback to when he was 2 or 3 years old and rewarding him for successfully using the potty!!!
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Dear KE, thank you for sharing. I m ramping up for the anticipation of these conversations when my son goes into rehab. I also have always run to task when my son asked for something while I thought he was trying. Now I see , manipulation knows one method. Your strength and commitment to your son taking ownership of his life is so empowering to us all!
I think I will be writing down my boundaries for JJ so he knows in writing what I am willing and not willing to live with.
I think I will be writing down my boundaries for JJ so he knows in writing what I am willing and not willing to live with.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
KE, you have inspired me in your responses to that phone call and the manipulations.
I have seen so much growth in you since I joined SR, and that continues to give me hope that I too will progress in my own recovery.
From one greyhound-loving mama to another, hugs!
I have seen so much growth in you since I joined SR, and that continues to give me hope that I too will progress in my own recovery.
From one greyhound-loving mama to another, hugs!
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Originally Posted by Ilovemysonjj
Dear KE, thank you for sharing. I m ramping up for the anticipation of these conversations when my son goes into rehab. I also have always run to task when my son asked for something while I thought he was trying. Now I see , manipulation knows one method. Your strength and commitment to your son taking ownership of his life is so empowering to us all!
I think I will be writing down my boundaries for JJ so he knows in writing what I am willing and not willing to live with.
I think I will be writing down my boundaries for JJ so he knows in writing what I am willing and not willing to live with.
Just know that you have the Posse of Momma's riding behind you ready to cheer you on as you gently but firmly state and protect your boundaries.
gentle hugs and much love
ke
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990
KE, you have inspired me in your responses to that phone call and the manipulations.
I have seen so much growth in you since I joined SR, and that continues to give me hope that I too will progress in my own recovery.
From one greyhound-loving mama to another, hugs!
I have seen so much growth in you since I joined SR, and that continues to give me hope that I too will progress in my own recovery.
From one greyhound-loving mama to another, hugs!
Another one who has walked beside me, held me up, kicked me in the butt (when needed), soothed my frayed nerves and told me I was worth it.
Gotta love those greyhounds (and all of our furry children).
gentle hugs
ke
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Originally Posted by sojourner
BTW, in Clean & Sober, the ending is a good one for the Michael Keaton role - he finds the desire to pursue and embrace recovery.....
And don't you love a happy ending........no one would want to watch an addiction movie that drags on and on and on.....rehab after rehab after rehab.....relapse after relapse after relapse.......with one codie maneuver after another ad nauseum.....true life certainly isn't as tidy as a good movie, is it?
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: East Coast of Florida
Posts: 61
Thanks for the post and you are both in my thoughts and prayers. Just taking a break from work and reading here....when I'm short on time I usually look for your posts first as they are always extremely helpful.
Unless something else goes awry, I'll probably be writing the same post in a month or two. Maybe I'll just come back here and reply "....what she said"
Unless something else goes awry, I'll probably be writing the same post in a month or two. Maybe I'll just come back here and reply "....what she said"
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 50
Originally Posted by tjp613
Must repeat to self over and over:
"I'm sorry to hear that. I know you'll figure it out."
"I'm sorry to hear that. I know you'll figure it out."
"I'm sorry to hear that. I know you'll figure it out."
"I'm sorry to hear that. I know you'll figure it out."
"I'm sorry to hear that. I know you'll figure it out."
...ad infinitum
Grateful for this thread today!!! I got this call about an hour ago... started with the customary "how are you, hope you're doing well", but quickly progressed to "I didn't pack enough warm clothes and I don't have anything to smoke... I suppose you won't bring me any... "
After a (not particularly firm) confirmation of that fact, he proceeded to remind me of "all the times I helped you out when you couldn't drive for 7 months" and other things... and then the "I guess it was dumb of me to think you would be there to help me now"
pure manipulation. I would be lying to say it didn't work a little, but I do know enough to know that a giving heart does not keep score! I do not owe him anything, but I do owe MYSELF the peace of mind that will come from saying NO and staying away!
THANK YOU ke for making this thread, and to you and the other posters for demonstrating a better way for me to look at and respond to the situation.
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