Fomenting compassion
 

I feel a need to comment on some of the language we use here on SR, on THIS side of the street (loved ones of addicted persons, many of whom are codependent), regarding people who may be from the other side of the street (addicted persons). [I use the term "we" because I am included, but it shouldn't imply that everyone who contributes to this site is.]

Although many of us have been hurt by addicted persons in our lives, I would like to urge all of us to foment compassion and to avoid demonizing. Yes, an 'active' addict often wreaks destruction in the lives of those close to him/her, and the responsibility for such destruction cannot/shouldn't be ignored, but these people are not well. They have an illness that is only beginning to be understood by our scientific/medical/religious communities, and they are suffering, terribly.

One time, earlier in my recovery, I was sharing in my Nar-Anon group and I said some pretty repulsive things about an addicted person – I said that I felt hatred for the guy who got my partner "hooked" and who always seemed to drag my companion back into hell... I said that I knew that this person was very ill (liver damage) and that every time I walked past his building I wondered if he was dead yet.

Then, I looked up and saw the faces of a number of women who had sons who were addicted and I understood that any one of them could be the mother of the person that I basically wished was dead. Aside from the shame I felt, I also saw for the first time how insidious, how heart-breaking, how UNFAIR the illness we call addiction really is.

And I WISH I could say something like what I just wrote here to my companion who is in the streets right now, and that he'd listen and understand that I love him deeply and that some light would go off in his head/soul and he'd begin walking a path to recovery... but I tried that so many times already, and he only brought more and more pain and violence into my life. I doubt that he understands, but I had to close my life to him because of his illness. I had to protect myself and honor the life that God gave me, rather than lose it in an attempt to "save" someone who does not yet want "salvation" (I'm speaking in terms of HEALTH, not religion.)


And beyond the actions of the addicted person in my life, I've learned through it all that I have willingly played a role in whatever game of pain he brought to me. I denied it, I fought it, I ignored it, but it wouldn't go away – I have some problems that cause(d) me to basically invite abusive behavior into my life, and my (beloved) addicted person has nothing to do with that. That's my past, my psychology that is affecting me, not HIM.

Such strong words - thank you

Thank you for the reminder, it never hurts periodically to remind ourselves
about compassion and empathy, and how to have both without attempting to
fix the afflicted one.

Oh I have compassion for those that still suffer, you see I was one of them once a
long time ago.

I do believe that in one form or another, even the newcomers that have just arrived
even though very hurt, confused, and wondering still have some compassion for
their A. I personally, in all the years I have been on this site in both the alcoholism
forums and the F&F forums have never seen anyone degrade their A. Yes, some
have been upset at A's friends putting some of the blame on them, but soon realize
that their A is making his/her own choices.

There really is an abundance of compassion in the F&F forums.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

I experience similar things in our family. They don't view it as a disease, they don't care that he is in treatment. He is an evil human being in thier eyes, in mine he is just broken.

Compassion is important but it is also important not to confuse compassion and enabling. And as a codependent, I have had some serious mental mixups between those two things.

Sometimes people have to express their anger in words that help give them strength not to enable. Recovery from codependent behaviors is very tricky and we all go through phases.
Try to forgive those who are in the midst of their anger. As the mother of an addict, I so appreciate your compassionate thoughts, but I also recognize that my son is someone that others see as a threat.....and I don't blame them. He wouldn't think twice about sharing his DOC with someone who had never tried it before......it's what addicts do.

Personally, I spent a long time in anger before I moved toward compassion. And that's what I needed to do on my journey.

Your compassion shined brightly in your message. Thank you for sharing.

gentle hugs
ke

When I started reading here I didn't see a lot of compassion so I posted plainly that I wasn't here to trash my boyfriend, hoping to avoid it going in that direction. I get what you mean about demoralizing the addict. These words were part of a post that was going big when I came here:"makes me sick, makes my skin crawl. evil aura, lying, manipulative drug addict POS!! utter disgust!"
I've read others like this, but this was one of the first for me, and then I had to think twice about the advice this person offered to me. Now I recognize people who do seem to have compassion, respect for the addict as a person, and also those that seem to have their emotions in check.
Maybe all the anger towards the addict is because people are in pain and letting it out helps them, but I think your post is a good reminder, words are hurtful to some, and it's sort of like well if their family thinks so little of them, then why should anyone bother to care about them and see a person worth saving inside the sickness.

I would never call my EXAH a POS or degrade him in anyway... After all he is human and does deserve dignity.. However I'm truthful when I call him a manipulative liar.. Because as long as he is using he is manipulating other people and lying to others and himself.. After all he is an addict that's what they do...

I'm working on forgiving my ex.. It's a process.. Some days like today I got angry when I started cleaning the room he lived him.. Disgusting doesn't even begin to touch the surface.. My anger only lasted a little while though because then I became grateful that I no longer have to live in that kind of environment or chaos..

A lot of people come to these boards in confusion, anger and sadness.. Sometimes they just have to vent and get it all out and it's safe for them to do that here.. When I first came here 5 years ago I got some very tough love that I didn't want to hear at the time and maybe that was because I knew it was true and was in denial of how big the problem was.. After all my situation was special and the Cody in me just knew that I could cure him of his addiction... Lol lol lol...

Looking back now I'm grateful for the ones that didn't sugar coat things for me.. It forced me to start helping myself rather then the addict that I was addicted to helping....

SR should be a safe place to vent our hurt, anger and disappointments - especially when our emotions are raw.

Addiction steals the souls of our loved ones. Their brains are changed. While I feel compassion for the person and the disease as a whole, I still hate addiction and what it does. I hate who it turns our loved ones into.

I truly believe addiction comes from the pits of hell. I believe it is the work of the devil. Like many, I have seen and felt the evilness of it and I know it exists!!!

That said.....IMO, compassion and acceptance is a process. Right now, I feel more compassion for the loved ones of an addict, especially the innocent children and mothers, then I do for the addict.

Before I think I can judge another person's pain, I must to understand it first.

It's a journey, in order to have compassion for our A's we have to go through a process of recovery and healing and develope compassion for our selves first.

I appreciate your post, I am getting there.

Somehow I missed your post Kindeyes until after I posted mine. (I try to read all your posts too). Thank you for sharing and expressing your ESH on this subject.

I agree, compassion can often be confused with enabling. I still struggle with being supportive and enabling too. All very confusing when we love an addict.

IMO, I think detachment with love helps with the compassion process. However, having a front row seat to an addicted love one in early recovery can be a slippery slope of confusing emotions. Now, I understand why so many who walked before me, advised me NOT to do it. Ha, I was determined to be terminally unique though. :(

I admire your strength and compassion as you have learned to step back from your son's rehab stay and recovery. I am sure it very hard but as always, you are showing many of the us the path to a new and healthy way. Thank you!

:discuss what is the difference between terminal uniqueness and praying with the kind of faith that
always believes... I don't know how to explain my question... I hope it makes sense

Cynical One has a great article about terminal uniqueness in her blog. Have you read it yet?

For me, part of praying is about asking or telling God your needs and wants and accepting His will.

Terminal Uniqueness is thinking we are "special." Its about our own egos (Edging God Out).

Yeah, I get it, the reason being, he has somehow broken them.

Even if it simply pushes on something they see him and in themselves also.

Maybe something that makes them feel shame, there is not compassion in shame.

Also, for me.........compassion and pity or feeling so for -have been very confusing too.

In my own journey, compassion is once again difficult for me. I just saw on the news about an 87 yr old woman who got severely beaten up for $20, drug money!! My sincere compassion is with the elderly woman, however I will still will pray for both of them. I can honestly say, I do not have compassion for the man who committed such an egregious act.

Thanks for your post, such true words spoken here. I wont even expand on it with my thoughts because I really just hope people stop, think, and look into their own hearts to see where they fall on the scale of compassion as it relates just to their own loved one.

I try to remember these words daily...'You can love the person, but hate the behaviour'.

It has been a while since I posted. I have been trying to detach from my AB's situation as well as the enabling behavior of my parents. God must have drawn me to this post today. I saw my brother yesterday at a family dinner for my mom's birthday and he is very sick (horrible cough, terrible laryngitis) and has lost weight. He has been this way since early November and refuses to seek medical treatment. I truly believe he wants to die. After struggling to accept that he might really want that for himself, I had an emotional breakdown while discussing it with my husband. As I cried I asked my husband if my brother died, would people remember him for the person he used to be, or the addict he is now? I won't enable him, or any other addict for that matter, but how can you not feel compassion for someone who would rather die than fight addiction. It is such a terrible disease. Thank you so much for this thread.

MiSoberio - While I do agree with your post, I think it's important to remember that many of us have our own journeys and our own emotions to process without judgment.

I am happy to see that you have processed through your "obsessive, violent thoughts" regarding your (ex) partner's behavior and choices.

Best wishes to a happy and healthier future. :)

This post confused me, and made me think that it wasn't in response to my OP which started the thread, but, rather, some sort of meta-response to the various comments that followed, or to other threads about "compassion" that have popped up since.

I realize that I have a tendency to write a bit too much, but the gist of my OP was that I made a comment about our language, about how we talk about addicted persons. I say "we" because it's not useful to single anyone out, and that I myself have a way to go on this path.

The concept that we contribute to SR and receive responses "without judgement" is a fallacy: the issue is how we frame our judgements. I have received many useful comments to my previous posts, and they certainly came with a distinct point of view (a judgement of my situation, my attitudes, and my decisions). I also received a few responses that were not so useful, or that came from a place of pain too acute. We judge all the time, codependent or not – the point is how we communicate, and sometimes thinking about how we communicate has an effect on the original nucleus of the thought.

I don't understand your need to say what you did about my "obsessive, violent thoughts." [This is a reference to a previous thread of mine: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-thoughts.html ] Your comment on the surface is positive, but it feels like a backhanded compliment. I think I made it abundantly clear in my OP for this thread that I understand that we are all dealing with intensely painful feelings and situations, and that an addicted person remains responsible for his/her choices and actions. I think I also made it clear that I have played a role in my own suffering, and that I'm learning to take responsibility for that.

Is the problem the word "compassion," which I used one time in my post? There have been many interesting responses, both here and in some of the other threads about compassion that popped up since I posted. Some people have said useful, and wise, things… others have not. Should I have used a different word? "Understanding?"…. I don't know, but somehow a comment about language led others down a certain path, which led you to write what you did.

I gladly accept your best wishes. However, I most certainly have not yet processed through everything that has happened in terms of my relationship with an addicted person. I feel so much pain, betrayal, and longing… I'm also dealing with feelings of hatred for my father, an addict, who "formed" me to be such a co-addict. The child in me wants to blame him, but I know that's ultimately destructive to me. I'm trying, daily, to let go of the past and move forward. I'm trying to detach, with love, from the addicts in my life, let them grow and change according to their own choices, and allow myself to grow and change according to mine.

Forgiveness I have (I think!). Compassion is something I may always have to work on.

I looked up the dictionary meaning because I am a dork:

noun. a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.

I just don't have it. And I wonder do I really need compassion for my addict and codependent relatives? Reeeeally??? My father's unresolved issues with alcohol probably somehow is the reason why my sister turned to drugs. And then my mother the codie tries to control them both. My brother and I were never safe, and were largely ignored. It doesn't seem like I had much of a choice....

After growing up in that I'm not only supposed to forgive but also have deep sympathy and sorrow for them? And a desire to alleviate the suffering? The only choice I have is what I do with today and I choose to not waste another thought on their problems!