cmhcali

My addicted fiancé is in detox. I am staying at our house while he is there. I am going back to my friends Monday when he gets out. He is signed up for an IOP. I talked to him today for the first time really in over a week. I love him so much. The tough part is I know we can recover. I have!! I spoke at an AA meeting tonight on we agnostics out of the big book. I have a god in my life and so much gratitude.. But how do I know whether or not to leave when so many of my friends have recovered and have amazing lives.

My best friend is an opiate addict and she is recovered and is getting married and has an amazing life at almost 5 years sober. Another friend has 7 years and just had a baby.. I have so many stories of success. I sponsor an opiate addict that has almost 9 years!! We do recover so how do I give up hope!!

allforcnm

Thank you for sharing the examples of recovery that you have experienced. I think there is sometimes a bit of a misconception that people cannot overcome addiction and go on to lead normal, healthy, productive lives. (Im going to paste in some statistics that come from USA government websites that support this also).

When looking at addiction as an issue in a relationship however, I think it is important to think of a couple things. If a person is in active addiction, there is no crystal ball to tell us if and when our loved will recover. Personally I think there are a lot of factors that tip the outcome, but still there is no absolute certainty. I don’t think it’s a matter of giving up hope, but more in being honest about what the relationship is like in the present, and looking at our personal circumstances and determining if we want to give it time to see how it plays out. Many stories here are sadly about that… waiting and hoping, and then waking up filled with regret for time lost. Or doing all that & allowing yourself to be subjected to poor treatment because you made too many allowances for the addiction.

The other thing, I think we have to be willing to accept once a person has recovered, there is still a chance of relapse. If that is something we truly cant accept, then it might be better for both people to go their separate ways. I think this depends on your circumstances, where you are at in your life. To me, this ties into the way we think of many other chronic illnesses. Could you have a relationship with someone with heart disease, or cancer that was in remission?

In my case, I waited but I also tried to carry on with my life as best I could and continue to pursue my personal goals, while also being a good parent to our son. My husband went through 3 months inpatient, and now works with a therapist, but he is 10 months clean and strong in recovery.

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It is important to note that not all persons in recovery for substance abuse relapse Nearly one-third achieve permanent abstinence from their first attempt at recovery. An additional one-third have brief periods of substance use but eventually achieve long-term abstinence, and one-third have chronic relapses that result in premature death from chemical addiction and related consequences. These statistics are consistent with the life-long recovery rates of any chronic lifestyle-related illness (HHS/SAMHSA)

Recovery: “A process of change through which an individual achieves abstinence and improved health, wellness, and quality of life” (Center for Substance Abuse Treatment).

Relapse rates for drug-addicted patients are compared with those suffering from diabetes, hypertension, and asthma. Relapse is common and similar across these illnesses (as is adherence to medication). Thus, drug addiction should be treated like any other chronic illness, with relapse serving as a trigger for renewed intervention. (NIDA- National Institute Drug Abuse)

Drug addiction = 40% - 60% relapse. This also means 40% - 60% don’t.
Type I Diabetes = 30 % - 50% relapse. This means 50% - 70% don’t.
Hypertension = 50% - 70% relapse. This means 30% - 50% don’t.
Asthma = 50% - 70% relapse. This means 30% - 50% don’t.

Substance abuse treatment refers to a broad range of activities or services, including identification of the problem (and engaging the individual in treatment); brief interventions; assessment of substance abuse and related problems including histories of various types of abuse; diagnosis of the problem(s); and treatment planning, including counseling, medical services, psychiatric services, psychological services, social services and follow-up for persons with alcohol or other drug problems (Institute of Medicine)

Substance abuse treatment may be based on one of several traditional approaches:

the Medical Model which focuses on the recognition of addiction as a bio/psycho/social disease, the need for life-long abstinence, and the use of an ongoing recovery program to maintain abstinence;

the Social Model which focuses more on the need for long-term abstinence and the need for self-help recovery groups to maintain sobriety;

the Behavioral Model which focuses more on diagnosis and treatment of other problems or conditions that can interfere with recovery (HHS/SAMHSA)
Many programs use a combination of some aspects of the various models in order to facilitate the most appropriate treatment for the individual and to give patients options.

Treatment may occur in various settings, such as inpatient, hospital-based programs; short- and long-term residential programs; or outpatient programs; and may be augmented by self-help/12-step and other support groups. Treatment may also use a combination of therapies, such as pharmacological therapy to treat certain addictions (for example the use of methadone for heroin addiction or the use of antabuse to treat alcoholism); use of psychological therapy or counseling, education and social learning theories; and non-traditional healing methods such as acupuncture.

Treatment may extend over the course of weeks, months, or years, depending on the severity of the problems and the level of burden created by clients' multiple disorders such as alcoholism, other drug addiction, HIV/AIDS, mental illness (especially depression), and serious physical illnesses. The type and intensity of treatment depend on the patient's psychological, physical, and social problems; the stage (or severity) and type of addiction; personality traits; and social skills before the onset of addiction (HHS/SAMHSA)

dollydo

I haven't given up hope that my 87 year old mother will quit drinking, however, I have given up my seat in the front row, waiting for it to happen. If it happens, we may be able to rekindle our relationship, if not, I continue my no contact.

zoso77

You have this mixed up a little bit. When you say "I know we can recover", this isn't about you and him as a couple. He needs to make his recovery about him, you need to continue your recovery for you, and until both of those things are really in place, this can't be about you as a couple.

If you love him as much as you say you do, allow him the space to work on healing himself. And also remember that to continue your recovery, you need to love yourself first.

Best,
ZoSo

Kindeyes

Yes. People do recover. And personally, I don't give up hope for anyone. But there's a difference between giving up hope and moving on.

I never gave up hope for my son. Never will. But I ceased wrapping my life up in that hope. I moved on. I worked on me. I let him go. And I prayed daily because I needed help doing those things.....I couldn't do it alone.

If you want to continue to support your fiancé, there's nothing wrong with that as long as you realize that you have no control over the outcome. We all have our own limits and you'll know if you reach that point. In the meantime, I second the gentle suggestion (if you have not already done so) to step into the Anon rooms. I have friends who spend time in both NA and Nar-Anon. And can't think of anyone who needs Nar-Anon more than an addict in recovery. They have most certainly been impacted by another's drug use.

If the addict in our lives doesn't seek recovery, we have choices. And we get to own those choices. We can't blame the addict for our choice to stay or leave.

You and your fiancé will be in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke

cmhcali

Thanks for all the posts. It is what I needed to hear. As for we do recover I meant alcoholics and addicts. I am a recovered alcoholic. I am going to me a new sponsee at noon to do stepwork. And it is true I have a choice whether I sit in the front row or not. Maybe he does recover and maybe he doesn't. It doesn't mean it isn't hard. The majority of young people in AA today are addicts. I see many recover and I see many go back up. Sometimes they come back, sometimes they don't and sometimes they die. That is the reality that I need to remember. That we can recover but not everyone does. Thank you!!!

cmhcali

Oh and I do go to alanon atleast once a week and AA. I am actually speaking at an alanon meeting on two weeks on step 12!

Ilovemysonjj

Dear friends, to me in this context "hope" is not a verb, it is a noun, it is a substance. Without Hope, what is the point of life? This message was spoken at a service for one of our family friends grandmother. We can "hope", which means we don't know for certain of something to happen or we have "hope". That is a possession and unwavering certainty of a valid substance. That is my belief. I have Hope.