I did it...but now I really need some help from someone here
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 98
I did it...but now I really need some help from someone here
Hello all,
Well it has been long enough so last night I finally did it. I told him he has to leave...I don't want to deal with it anymore. I was so proud of myself but now the trouble begins and I don't know what to do. I have the dogs at my parents because I don't feel he is capable of taking care of them at this point. He threatened to go over and bust the door down and take them and I said my parents will call the cops and he said see what happens if we were to call the cops. Then he if I think I'm keeping the house then he's gonna burn it down. He yelled a lot and cried but hell I made it and I'm still here today. I stayed at my parents last night and I'm still here today. It's today and the rest of the days I'm worried about. I called his mom this morning and she didn't really have any answers or help for me. I was kinda disappointed about that. I have several friends willing to do anything to help me but I don't want them involved because I don't know what mind frame he's in. I don't know where to take the dogs and worry if I take them else where he's gonna freak out on me until I tell him where they are...I don't want to go back home alone....
I'm having lots of anxiety but still feel strong...just don't know what to do. I just want to drive far away where he can't find me and the dogs and not come back until I know he's gone. I'm sure some of you have been in a situation like this and I'm really just looking for help! I really don't know what to do and i don't want anyone to get hurt. Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated at this time...thanks for listening....
Well it has been long enough so last night I finally did it. I told him he has to leave...I don't want to deal with it anymore. I was so proud of myself but now the trouble begins and I don't know what to do. I have the dogs at my parents because I don't feel he is capable of taking care of them at this point. He threatened to go over and bust the door down and take them and I said my parents will call the cops and he said see what happens if we were to call the cops. Then he if I think I'm keeping the house then he's gonna burn it down. He yelled a lot and cried but hell I made it and I'm still here today. I stayed at my parents last night and I'm still here today. It's today and the rest of the days I'm worried about. I called his mom this morning and she didn't really have any answers or help for me. I was kinda disappointed about that. I have several friends willing to do anything to help me but I don't want them involved because I don't know what mind frame he's in. I don't know where to take the dogs and worry if I take them else where he's gonna freak out on me until I tell him where they are...I don't want to go back home alone....
I'm having lots of anxiety but still feel strong...just don't know what to do. I just want to drive far away where he can't find me and the dogs and not come back until I know he's gone. I'm sure some of you have been in a situation like this and I'm really just looking for help! I really don't know what to do and i don't want anyone to get hurt. Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated at this time...thanks for listening....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
First ... breathe.
You don't have to worry about the rest of the days, just today. Just the next few hours, really.
Now, assess your basic needs.
Safety: It sounds like you are safe at your parents.
Sleep: Have you slept? If not, put a nap on the agenda
Food: Did you eat today? If not, get something, even a snack.
Water: Are you hydrated?
Showered and dressed?
Take care of those immediate needs above for yourself and your pets then you will be able to think more clearly about the bigger picture.
Also, consider finding a meeting today, and just go and at least listen.
Do you think he may really show up there?
Hugs and Prayers. It's going to be okay. You did the hardest part already.
You don't have to worry about the rest of the days, just today. Just the next few hours, really.
Now, assess your basic needs.
Safety: It sounds like you are safe at your parents.
Sleep: Have you slept? If not, put a nap on the agenda
Food: Did you eat today? If not, get something, even a snack.
Water: Are you hydrated?
Showered and dressed?
Take care of those immediate needs above for yourself and your pets then you will be able to think more clearly about the bigger picture.
Also, consider finding a meeting today, and just go and at least listen.
Do you think he may really show up there?
Hugs and Prayers. It's going to be okay. You did the hardest part already.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
I am sorry for what you are going through. Hanna's advice is excellent. You may also consider getting an Order of Protection based on his threats and threatening behavior. Call an abuse hotline or look one up in your area. Women's Shelters are good resources as well. Your own feeling of safety is ESSENTIAL. Don't expect his family to support you. Just let that go. Find a temp home for your dogs--maybe a friend he doesn't know? An animal shelter may have a list of foster-owners who'd be happy to help out in this situation. Take care of yourself and be safe, even if it feels to you like you are going overboard or extreme. It's not. Peace.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 98
thanks so much guys. Yeah Hanna, trying to work on those. Got some sleep last night but still tired...didn't eat yet...not really hungary but know I need to eat something so I'll work on that next...showered and dressed and trying to take care of myself. Thinking of taking a drive to the park later with the dogs cause it's a little far away and he wouldn't know I was out there. Might be a little relaxing and I'd feel safe 
Yeah, I gotta figure out what to do with the dogs. There are some places I could take them, I'm just scared later on he will try to bully me into telling him where they are Right now I'm just sitting around calling people and talking to people to get through. I guess I'm trying to find answers when there are no definate answers...I just feel like I don't know what to do. I thought about the the protection order and would do it if I had no other choice. His mom worries about it going on his record and I just told her I don't want to but if i feel he's going to hurt me in any way then I don't have a choice. It's his choice if I have to do that...not mine. But I sincerely thank the both of you...like I said...sitting here going nuts trying to figure out what to do. He's at court with his mom now so hopefully he's had some time to cool off and she could talk to him a little. Thanks so much again for listening...you really don't know how much it means...
Yeah, I gotta figure out what to do with the dogs. There are some places I could take them, I'm just scared later on he will try to bully me into telling him where they are Right now I'm just sitting around calling people and talking to people to get through. I guess I'm trying to find answers when there are no definate answers...I just feel like I don't know what to do. I thought about the the protection order and would do it if I had no other choice. His mom worries about it going on his record and I just told her I don't want to but if i feel he's going to hurt me in any way then I don't have a choice. It's his choice if I have to do that...not mine. But I sincerely thank the both of you...like I said...sitting here going nuts trying to figure out what to do. He's at court with his mom now so hopefully he's had some time to cool off and she could talk to him a little. Thanks so much again for listening...you really don't know how much it means...
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Hope,
No games. If he is threatening your safety or your parents' safety, get a RO. No games, no BS.
ZoSo
No games. If he is threatening your safety or your parents' safety, get a RO. No games, no BS.
ZoSo
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Please call the nearest Domestic Violence center to you.
They can help you get a protection order and may even be able to give you some
numbers to call for fostering your dogs. You DO NOT have to tell them where they
are and with a protection order he won't be able to hound you, if he does, then
he goes to jail.
The fact it will be on his record is HIS PROBLEM, a consequence of his actions not
yours.
Hang in there. Can you stay at your folks for a few days until you can get some
things lined up for you?
Keep posting and let us know how you are doing, as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
They can help you get a protection order and may even be able to give you some
numbers to call for fostering your dogs. You DO NOT have to tell them where they
are and with a protection order he won't be able to hound you, if he does, then
he goes to jail.
The fact it will be on his record is HIS PROBLEM, a consequence of his actions not
yours.
Hang in there. Can you stay at your folks for a few days until you can get some
things lined up for you?
Keep posting and let us know how you are doing, as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Hope, I can't stress enough how important it is that you take care of those basic things, starting with your safety, each and every day first.
It will help you keep your head clear, keep your health and well-being a priority and help you make good decisions. Only after taking care of these things, that are required for survival an good mental function, can we begin to untangle the rest.
My mentor gave me great advice about crisis situations:
"Hunker down in the weeds and wait for it to pass"
Ie; when you don't know what to do it is often best to do nothing, lest you let emotions and especially fear cause you to do something that makes the situation worse. This doesn't mean that you ignore safety issues. If you need a protective order, get one ASAP. But don't engage in other behaviors that will feed the situation.
Also, don't worry yourself about what you may tell him tomorrow. Keep yourself and your pets safe now.
I would also not continue calling his Mom. She is in her own crisis and unlikely to be able to give you good advice. But if you believe you have reason to fear him, please do take action to protect yourself immediately.
It will help you keep your head clear, keep your health and well-being a priority and help you make good decisions. Only after taking care of these things, that are required for survival an good mental function, can we begin to untangle the rest.
My mentor gave me great advice about crisis situations:
"Hunker down in the weeds and wait for it to pass"
Ie; when you don't know what to do it is often best to do nothing, lest you let emotions and especially fear cause you to do something that makes the situation worse. This doesn't mean that you ignore safety issues. If you need a protective order, get one ASAP. But don't engage in other behaviors that will feed the situation.
Also, don't worry yourself about what you may tell him tomorrow. Keep yourself and your pets safe now.
I would also not continue calling his Mom. She is in her own crisis and unlikely to be able to give you good advice. But if you believe you have reason to fear him, please do take action to protect yourself immediately.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
He has made threats to you, he is to be considered a dangerous man. The first thing I would do is go to your local police and make a statement, outlining the details of the threats.
I would then change the locks on your home. Bag up all his stuff, notify his mother where it will be, on the porch, in the garage or drop it off at his mothers.
See if your dogs can stay at your parents or friends house AND don't tell him where they are.
Go no contact with him and his family. Block his number on your phone, email and befriend him
on Facebook. He can't bully you if you don't talk to him.
I would also follow Laurie's advice.
My father always said "Be like a fighter in the ring, fight fair, but protect yourself at all times".
Now, is the time for you to protect yourself.
I would then change the locks on your home. Bag up all his stuff, notify his mother where it will be, on the porch, in the garage or drop it off at his mothers.
See if your dogs can stay at your parents or friends house AND don't tell him where they are.
Go no contact with him and his family. Block his number on your phone, email and befriend him
on Facebook. He can't bully you if you don't talk to him.
I would also follow Laurie's advice.
My father always said "Be like a fighter in the ring, fight fair, but protect yourself at all times".
Now, is the time for you to protect yourself.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Hey Girl!
Sending you healing and "safe" thoughts. You have to be reeling but you are doing the right thing. I promise you there are days ahead that you will begin to feel safe again and know that you did the right thing.
Yes......take care of yourself every day - the basics each and every day. Changing my locks made me feel a whole lot better and safer. I told my neighbors that my (now) ex was not to be near or on my property. I told them to call the police if they saw him. I knew that I would call the police if I saw him as well. I did get in touch with the Domestic Violence Center in my town and they were helpful.
It's hard to break away in the best of circumstances but this sort of thing is particularly hard. I second guessed myself a lot and struggled with it all. I had every reason to leave but it was amazing how much I questioned myself. At times I felt really guilty - but then someone told me to make a list of all the things that I felt quilty about and then ask what he did to cause it. For example, I felt guilty for leaving him - but the way that he treated me caused that to have happened. EVERY single thing that I felt guilty about was actually caused by him.
Hope....I'm thinking about you and will keep you in my prayers. I know how difficult it is to do this but you'll make it through....Keep us posted on how you are doing.
Sending you healing and "safe" thoughts. You have to be reeling but you are doing the right thing. I promise you there are days ahead that you will begin to feel safe again and know that you did the right thing.
Yes......take care of yourself every day - the basics each and every day. Changing my locks made me feel a whole lot better and safer. I told my neighbors that my (now) ex was not to be near or on my property. I told them to call the police if they saw him. I knew that I would call the police if I saw him as well. I did get in touch with the Domestic Violence Center in my town and they were helpful.
It's hard to break away in the best of circumstances but this sort of thing is particularly hard. I second guessed myself a lot and struggled with it all. I had every reason to leave but it was amazing how much I questioned myself. At times I felt really guilty - but then someone told me to make a list of all the things that I felt quilty about and then ask what he did to cause it. For example, I felt guilty for leaving him - but the way that he treated me caused that to have happened. EVERY single thing that I felt guilty about was actually caused by him.
Hope....I'm thinking about you and will keep you in my prayers. I know how difficult it is to do this but you'll make it through....Keep us posted on how you are doing.
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