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Boyfriend set date of Jan 22nd to STOP

Old 01-16-2013, 04:01 PM
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Boyfriend set date of Jan 22nd to STOP

My boyfriend set a date to stop. The 22nd. Its on a Tuesday, but then worked out so he has Thursday thru Sunday off work.

He narrowed his doctors down to two, but hasnít called either one. He says he is afraid, and that once he calls and admits he has a problem then it will be real. All I could say was, I knew when he was ready, he would do it.

He is telling me that while cocaine doesnít have much physical withdrawal, I might as well realize the mental and emotional withdrawals will take weeks. He is expecting bad anxiety (this is what has bothered him with his attempts to stop before) and he expects to be moody, mean. And he is afraid that he will barely be able to work and deal with people, and may have nothing left to be patient with me. He is afraid he will take out his frustration on me because Im the only one who knows whats going on. We talked about it, and he tells me if I want to put things on hold until he gets past some of it, then he understands; neither of us wants to damage our relationship long term. But I donít know if this is something I should really worry about. I donít want to be a baby and not able to tolerate a bad mood.

I could really use some help from people who have gone through this part. Ive book read, but I donít have anyone with experience to talk to, and Id like to know what Im in for. I donít get rattled by a lot of things, but I have read here and some of the behaviors of addicts or those beginning recovery are awful and are a totally unacceptable way to treat someone.

Thatís it. Donít know if he will really be able to do this. I think he is serious in it, but that doesnít mean he wont fail. Im trying to stay grounded. Also, Im not changing my schedule around to help him or anything.
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Old 01-16-2013, 05:17 PM
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I don't have any advice about withdrawals, but I do want to say this: be careful he doesn't somehow make it about YOU--what you can "handle" etc. Sounds a little manipulative from what you've written here...And you absolutely need to get support of many others who can help YOU if he goes through with it--friends, NarAnon, therapist, family.

No secrets. They weaken the healing process for all parties. Take care.
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Old 01-16-2013, 06:37 PM
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I'm not sure what his DOC is...... the opiates, benzos, and alcohol have physical withdrawal. Cocaine does not have the same thing. A person can "jones" for it VERY badly and yes....that is emotional. The problem with cocaine is that it really doesn't have a "withdrawal" component that adversely affects you physically - it's that your neuroreceptors (dopamine/seratonin) have gotten use to a certain standard and adjusted to the drug. The book Craving Ecstacy is really good in explaining the whole thing.

This is not a matter of tolerating a bad mood. I went through it with my husband who stopped using cocaine ..... yep....there were a lot of bad moods and because he didn't work a recovery program the bad moods lasted over 6 years. I finally couldn't stand it anymore. When I left he went back to cocaine. But....his bad moods drove me away....and besides that - they escalated to a whole lot more than a bad mood.

There is a reason that people that use drugs and unless they address the underlying reasons the matter of giving up a substance is beside the point.

What I had to look at inside myself was why I was attracted to a man that had to alter his consciousness to deal with life. Once I quit looking at why he did what he did and approach it from why I chose someone that medicated himself I really began to get somewhere.
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Old 01-17-2013, 01:03 PM
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Just beware.. the 22nd of January may come and go and he might still be using.. he is an addict in active addiction, you cant really believe any of his promises.. You have to go by his actions not his words.. If he really wanted to stop he would stop today not some date in the future that he"s pulled out of the air. I'm talking from my experiance here . I lived with an addict for 5 years and i heard all of these promises over and over again. I watched him go through a suboxone maintenance plan that failed.. I watched him go through two rehabs and relaps every time and I watched him go to NA meetings high as a kite and pick up a key fobe every month.. he failed at his sobriety because he wasnt doing it for himself he was doing it for everyone else..

Your post seems to be focused on him and his drug use and maybe his recovery if he indeed stops on the 22nd.. What about you? What are you doing for YOU? Are you attending meetings? Are you working on your codependance issues? You must make you the #1 priority here....
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Old 01-17-2013, 01:53 PM
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Originally Posted by dasiydoc View Post
My boyfriend set a date to stop. The 22nd. Its on a Tuesday, but then worked out so he has Thursday thru Sunday off work.

He narrowed his doctors down to two, but hasnít called either one. He says he is afraid, and that once he calls and admits he has a problem then it will be real. All I could say was, I knew when he was ready, he would do it.

He is telling me that while cocaine doesnít have much physical withdrawal, I might as well realize the mental and emotional withdrawals will take weeks. He is expecting bad anxiety (this is what has bothered him with his attempts to stop before) and he expects to be moody, mean. And he is afraid that he will barely be able to work and deal with people, and may have nothing left to be patient with me. He is afraid he will take out his frustration on me because Im the only one who knows whats going on. We talked about it, and he tells me if I want to put things on hold until he gets past some of it, then he understands; neither of us wants to damage our relationship long term. But I donít know if this is something I should really worry about. I donít want to be a baby and not able to tolerate a bad mood.

I could really use some help from people who have gone through this part. Ive book read, but I donít have anyone with experience to talk to, and Id like to know what Im in for. I donít get rattled by a lot of things, but I have read here and some of the behaviors of addicts or those beginning recovery are awful and are a totally unacceptable way to treat someone.

Thatís it. Donít know if he will really be able to do this. I think he is serious in it, but that doesnít mean he wont fail. Im trying to stay grounded. Also, Im not changing my schedule around to help him or anything.
Remember...judge him by his deeds, not by his words.

ZoSo
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Old 01-18-2013, 02:06 AM
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Ugh, call me a cynic. It sounds like he is already setting up an excuse to treat you poorly. I hope you will stick around here and read about other people's experiences and just share your own while going through this process. There is some very good advice and support here.
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Old 01-18-2013, 01:03 PM
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I sort of wish he hadnít set a date because it seems like it adds all this drama. But I know he picked that day because he was able to get four days off next week. He did that by switching with others and he has been working extra shifts this week.

I really donít know how I feel about all this. Im very confused by him right now.The other night we were together and he had picked out this movie for us to watch, and said it was like an action movie where this guy is searching for his daughter. It opens with this guy wandering around looking for his daughter in a train station or something, and then he is out on the street in traffic wandering around, and you became aware something is not right exactly. Then he goes to this cheap motel where he has been staying, has to pay up to get the door unlocked. Cashes his disability check, buys a six pack and guzzles it down, and you realize he is an alcoholic with possible underlying mental issues. And then later he is buying coke and snorting it in an alley, and hooking up with some girl in a bathroom stall while they both get high together. I was so in shock. Like why did you pick this to watch? Are you trying to tell me something about what you have been doing? He said no, he didnít know. But it was like a sign telling him he did not want to end up that way. Still donít know if I was being mind ****** or what. Like God sent that movie down to him for incentive?
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Old 01-18-2013, 01:16 PM
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DaisyDoc, although it is hard, try not to put your energy on what an addicts is thinking or over analyzing. Trying to get inside my husbands mind, was a very dangerous place for me. It brought craziness to a whole new level.

He picked it out because he did. It is what it is! Nothing more, nothing less.

If you want some answers....google addiction and lizard brain. Warning - it is very disturbing!

Keeping you and your boyfriend in my prayers. May January 22nd be the first clean day of the rest of his life.
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Old 01-19-2013, 01:47 PM
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Setting a "quit' date didn't work for me because that implied I had power over my addictions, which I didn't.

I am also the mother of an active addict, and I'm not a rehab or detox center.

There are professionals for that sort of thing.

I went through inpatient rehab and will always be grateful for that experience.

Sending you hugs of support.
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Old 01-20-2013, 11:57 AM
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I hope he lives up to his words, that is the only real way to know. I have an ex addict husband and this is something I have dealt with many times. Right from him wanting or saying he was wanting help to having the suitcase packed on our way to treatment and him jumping out of the car on the way there.

Today I am dealing with my son and addiction, he has made some steps to go into treatment and found funding to go...though it is a two week process...he should be going this week...in my option this two week wait is scaring me way to much time to change mind make up stories why he can't or didnt go Though I have learned not to get my hopes up to high to only have them come crashing down. I know even if he gets into treatment there is no gaurantee he will stay ..I know even if he stays there is no gaurantee he will continue with recovery. I know that I have no control over him using or not using, I only have control over me and how I choose to handle the situation.

Rose
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Old 01-20-2013, 01:16 PM
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my BF had to detox in order to enter rehab. It was nasty, although his DOC is opiates. For a month he would make it to the 2nd or 3rd day and then go pick up enough to stop shaking, Then one day he just woke up and locked himself in the bedroom in his pjs and kicked it, and was dry for two weeks upon entering the facility. He gave me dates to quit too. never did, until one day he just said "(expletive ) this. broke his phone and removed his transportation from himself. He wouldn't leave the house except for church. like everyone says. actions. not words.
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Old 01-20-2013, 03:28 PM
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<<Rose and Lily>> Thanks for sharing your experiences. His only drug is cocaine so I dont think the physical symptoms will be anything like opiates, but he gets very bad anxiety or so he says. He has tried to stop before without telling me I guess, but this is the first time he informed me, and the first time I think he has done so much planning on his part.

Sort of scary realization about how his brain is affected by addiction and he is not seeing things clearly on THIS subject. At some point last night he decided it was only sensible to begin using up his stash of coke. I mean of course it would be wrong to throw it out; much better to put it into your body and burn it up that way. Im not getting my hopes up because I know he has tried before to stop, without telling me, and failed. But my heart does go out to him because I think at least some part of him does want to quit and he is trying to build on that.
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Old 01-20-2013, 03:37 PM
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Originally Posted by dasiydoc View Post
<<Rose and Lily>> Thanks for sharing your experiences. His only drug is cocaine so I dont think the physical symptoms will be anything like opiates, but he gets very bad anxiety or so he says. He has tried to stop before without telling me I guess, but this is the first time he informed me, and the first time I think he has done so much planning on his part.

Sort of scary realization about how his brain is affected by addiction and he is not seeing things clearly on THIS subject. At some point last night he decided it was only sensible to begin using up his stash of coke. I mean of course it would be wrong to throw it out; much better to put it into your body and burn it up that way. Im not getting my hopes up because I know he has tried before to stop, without telling me, and failed. But my heart does go out to him because I think at least some part of him does want to quit and he is trying to build on that.
My EXAH had this "sensible notion to use up all of his pills before he started his suboxone maintenance plan and this is after he had the script for suboxone filled... Needless to say he just switched from one drug to another and got just as strung out on that as he was on opiates.. I guess my point is... Don't get your hopes up.. If he wanted to quit today he would quit today and be sitting in an NA or AA meeting instead of snorting up the rest of his stash... It's kind of like saying I'm starting my diet on Monday and then Monday rolls around and for the first few hours you do really well but then lunch rolls around and there sits a nice plate of cookies and before you know it you've blown your diet and say to yourself well I will start next Monday....
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Old 01-20-2013, 03:44 PM
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Originally Posted by jerect View Post
My EXAH had this "sensible notion to use up all of his pills before he started his suboxone maintenance plan and this is after he had the script for suboxone filled... Needless to say he just switched from one drug to another and got just as strung out on that as he was on opiates.. I guess my point is... Don't get your hopes up.. If he wanted to quit today he would quit today and be sitting in an NA or AA meeting instead of snorting up the rest of his stash... It's kind of like saying I'm starting my diet on Monday and then Monday rolls around and for the first few hours you do really well but then lunch rolls around and there sits a nice plate of cookies and before you know it you've blown your diet and say to yourself well I will start next Monday....
Yes !! I can relate to that. And part of my boyfriends plan was to start on some low grade anti-anxiety meds a couple weeks ago. That is also a long story, but he is mixing it with coke, and now that he has started this binging, its insane. Thats what I mean, by the addict part of his brain has no logic, and it is so much stronger than the normal part of him, or he would not be doing this.
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Old 01-21-2013, 04:59 AM
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Originally Posted by dasiydoc View Post
Yes !! I can relate to that. And part of my boyfriends plan was to start on some low grade anti-anxiety meds a couple weeks ago. That is also a long story, but he is mixing it with coke, and now that he has started this binging, its insane. Thats what I mean, by the addict part of his brain has no logic, and it is so much stronger than the normal part of him, or he would not be doing this.
Addicts and logic don't mix... They don't see past the present moment where they are getting their fix... They will set future dates to stop often just to get their well meaning loved ones off of their back and maybe somewhere deep inside they want to stop and they intend to stop but without a strong plan for recovery and a 360 degree lifestyle change the addiction will always win out.. Putting down the coke is only half the battle for your ABF.. In order to stay clean and sober and live a productive life he must change every aspect of his life, his friends, the places he hangs out, his relationship with his higher power etc.. This does not happen over night, it is a very long and daunting process with more then a few stumbles along the way...

Daisy, what are you doing to take care of you? If you are like I was you are hell bent on getting him clean and his addiction is consuming you.. Please don't make the mistake I did and completely lose yourself in his addiction.. Those are 5 years that I cannot get back ever.. If you haven't already, get yourself to some meetings, do something each day that nurtures you and takes care of your sanity and well being.. Trust me when I say that it's all too easy to be just overly consumed with what the addict is doing and completely neglect ourselves...
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Old 01-21-2013, 11:36 AM
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Ugh what are you doing with this guy??? I think you need to take a GIANT step away and let him do what he has to do. As in hit rock bottom and decide to get clean and then do it. He can't even call the doctor yet to deal with his own problem, and you are worrying yourself to death over him.

Three billion men on the earth..... you deserve so much better. Addiction is a selfish, selfish disease. You need to put your self first.
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Old 01-22-2013, 02:07 PM
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Wishing you and your bf the best today daisy!! Whether or not he starts his recovery today, I hope you find serenity and peace today and each day to come. Take care of yourself.
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Old 01-22-2013, 04:10 PM
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Originally Posted by ave View Post
Wishing you and your bf the best today daisy!! Whether or not he starts his recovery today, I hope you find serenity and peace today and each day to come. Take care of yourself.
Thank you that made me smile. So far today has been uneventful. I went to work and my day is still going for a while longer.

My boyfriend was working today also, and I had a chance to talk to him. The real test will be tonight, because that is when he usually does his thing. It is sort of like his wind down routine after coming home. He told me that he plans to put himself through a good workout, and run a long time on the treadmill. He also told me he dumped the rest of his stash, and that he was angry with himself for binging on Saturday night but the thought of giving it up made him want it more. (Have no idea about all that, or if he really got rid of it all, but Im not going to worry about it, because if he wants it then he would just buy more wouldnít he?). Also, I donít think I mentioned that I went home on Saturday when he was binging. I was tired and although he wasnít being out of line with his behavior or anything, I was just not in the mood to keep up with his new found energy. I got home, took a long hot bath, and watched a movie, and I did notice how much more peaceful my home was than his. Sunday I went to my parents for a big part of the day, and although I invited him to come, he stayed home to rest. Apparently, during the night after he did all the coke; he had some sort of either a bad dream or an anxiety attack which he described to me and made no sense that it was possible but was filled with paranoia and his fear of losing his job. He said he remembers sitting in the floor next to the bed and the dresser and physically shaking and sweating. Im not sure how I feel about this. I mean I feel awful he was alone going through this, but if I was there it would have upset me, and I donít know if he would have believed me if I tried to calm him anyway.

He did call yesterday, and he tried to get an appointment for this week, but the doctor he wanted most told him it would be a couple weeks for a new patient, but he said he scheduled it anyway, and then called another doctor and set up an appointment for Friday.

I think what is best for me is to keep my schedule as normal as possible, and let him experience most of this on his own terms. Tonight, we are supposed to have dinner together which is normal, and will take it from there I guess.
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Old 01-22-2013, 06:17 PM
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I think what is best for me is to keep my schedule as normal as possible, and let him experience most of this on his own terms.

Healthy thinking there...
I hope all works out with his quitting
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