Not a good update

Old 01-16-2013, 06:48 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Jan 2013
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Not a good update

AH is a mess. Last night he insisted I meet him at his parents house after he got off work. I knew this couldn't be good.
Now, after putting it off for 3 weeks we were supposed to get his paychecks out of the bank - yes I have control of the money. But he never switched over the automatic deposit, so his paycheck would be deposited into his account ( which I had open access to) and would get an alert when the automatic deposit was made. I would then immediately transfer the money to our joint account and then to my own account so he would not have access. I got locked out of his account on dec 30 ( how shocking, right). Well over the course from then til now he insisted the money was safe and fine. Boy was I wrong...
We have been behind on our mortgage because of the money being spent on drugs over the summer and fall... Our house is officially in foreclosure. We were able to save it and pay a lump sum to catch up. So last night was the night we had to go to the bank and get the money from his account ( at this point there are 2 paychecks in there).. Since the acct was locked online and he doesn't have a debit card he has been claiming he couldn't unlock the account. He could only manually go to the bank with his ID and withdrawl money from a teller. Soooooo last night he was backed into a corner because I refused to put it off any longer. So he had me go over his parents where he confessed to taking money. There should have been 5,000.00 from his 2 paychecks. Only 3500 was there.. He relapsed and using roxy and heroin,

Now there is not enough money to pay for the house. Luckily his parents (again) are coming to the rescue. They have paid about 3 mortgage payments for us in the last year due to him using our money for drugs.

I'm grateful that they are paying.... But sort of feel like we are rescuing him. I don't want to be homeless. I don't want my daughters to be homeless ..

I'm trying to detach and not involve myself. But when my house is involved it's hard not to be.

I'm processing this and finally think it might be time for him to go....
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Old 01-16-2013, 06:57 AM
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I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. These are the ways that addiction affects the whole family. It's so difficult to see it happen again and again here on SR.

And yes......what is happening is enabling him to continue his drug use. He doesn't have to do anything......he's being bailed out. He can use his DOC knowing (with a sense of relief) that his parents won't let his wife and children become "homeless". But the truth is, they don't have to let you become homeless and they don't have to enable him. And those things aren't mutually exclusive.

We don't have problems.......we have solutions we don't like.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. It's very difficult and scary. There are solutions....but you may not be ready to accept them yet.

gentlest of hugs
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Old 01-16-2013, 10:09 AM
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"I'm grateful that they are paying.... But sort of feel like we are rescuing him. I don't want to be homeless. I don't want my daughters to be homeless .."

I do understand, however, his parents are enabling both of you, keeping you both stuck.

There are things that you can do to stop the bleeding, to plan for your childrens future. My gut tells me that this won't be the last time you will be in arrears on your bills.

What are your bounderies with him? What are your plans to improve the situation for you and your children, to keep a roof over their head?

Ask yourself the hard questions, where do you want to be in 5 are you going to get there?

I know this is not easy, however, if you do not have a plan to fail. Please continue to work on you, read all of the stickeys and cynical one's blogs, very helpful information at your fingertips.
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Old 01-16-2013, 07:14 PM
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Chloe - I'm so sorry you're going through this. I lived with my exAH's addiction to oxycodone for many years. So, I know exactly how you feel. I also have 2 children. Last May, I realized that all my efforts to save my marriage and not hurt my kids with a divorce resulted in me actually endangering the safety and well being of my children. The only advice I can give you is to get yourself help so that you can be strong for your children and your own sanity. I thought I was protecting us financially by controlling all the money - I was wrong on that one too. The tentacles of this disease grow strong and fast. I guess you can say I stopped the bleeding. Now, I'm in the process of assessing the damage and putting together a plan to ensure that me and my boys are financially stable. Because I kept bailing us out when his addiction caused consequences, I enabled him to continue and caused more debt. He has now lost his wife, barely sees his kids, lost his job, is facing criminal charges and is about to be thrown out of his mother's home. He still continues to use. I pray every day that he finds his recovery; however, I focus only on keeping myself and my children safe and healthy, that's all I can control. You and your family are in my prayers.
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