Lara

As you know I am going no contact and only on day 6 (well almost as it's only 5am). Just read the new thread from Angel1234 and brought up the same old question. A question that I really battle with. Is the love real? I have been battling with my 'dance' with H for years but especially the last 2 years. It's been a rollercoaster and finally I believe I am ready to get off. I don't believe, based on his past behaviour, that there is any hope of a stable future. I pray for his recovery - but can't live a life with that niggling constant doubt. I am battling with detaching and 'no contact'. But feel actually very stong this morning. Empowered in some way. I had a dream about my brother. I was reminded of his true love for me. His unconditional love. For once I saw my 'relationship' with H through my beautiful, kind brother's eyes. My brother would have been horrified. I feel my brothers adoring love for me. And it makes me strong! And this brings me to my question and my internal debate.... I KNOW I could walk away more easily if I just knew the truth. Does H really love me or was it all a lie??? After so many, many years. I know is sounds sooo codependent, seemingly desperate for another's love. But I am not desperate - believe it or not. More just wanting to know if it was truly all such a waste. I suppose knowing he truly loves me (with an addict s limited ability to love) somehow makes all the 'mess' a little more worth it. That I was not just used and abused. That my love meant something too - that it was not wasted. I honestly mean it - IF some greater power told me right now that H (with all the crap) truly loves you - then I know I could walk away. Isn't that odd??? Perhaps explains me always going back to him - hoping to KNOW the truth - hoping to truly trust his words of love. I suppose by him loving me - validates my actions. Makes it okay??

oooopps

I dont think it really matters and you will know this once you're further along in your own recovery that it doesnt matter if it's real or not, whatever it was, it wasnt good for you and you had to leave it for yourself to be whole and happy.

I think it's healthy to not try to make sense of what crazy is.

Jody675

yeah i agree with oooops. it really doesnt matter Lara. why do we seek out answers to questions that allow us to validate our own emotions. the only things that matters is that YOU loved him with all that you are, and now you are seeing that this relationship no longer has a good return. you are a successful business woman. would you keep this going if your relationship with H was a business? i know it isnt as simple as that, but if you take out all the emotions, you will see it for what it really is. a transaction of the heart.

keep working on you. youre doing great!

Lara

I never never thought about it like this. Never considered why the hell on earth do I need someone else to validate ME???? Is my own worth not enough? Just because it is what I did - how I chose to live - that should be enough? Right?? Oh I hear you all SR members... but still battle with this one.

Lara

I suppose (now bare with me that this is purely theoretical, I have not taken ownership yet of my newfound 'wisdom' - though I pray every day for it).... but I suppose by me needing to know so desperately if his love is true - I am completely, with reckless abandon, handing my heart, soul and everything that is me - over to an addict, who with not a care in the world could toss these 'gifts' off a cliff - I am giving him power over me. Handing him everything on a silver platter. Dear God - where is my spirit? Where is ME in all of this? I have far more courage than this - yet I am coming across as a whimpering idiot!
But I STILL have that feeling / these weak thoughts.......

LoveMeNow

He loved you Lara. How do I know this?? Because you are very lovable! You are kind, thoughtful, caring, sweet, smart, forgiving......

However, addicts will always love their DOC first. It's not personal. It is just what is. The real question is.....don't you want and deserve to be the number 1 love in a healthy relationship?? I think so and I am hardly ever wrong. lol

Lara

LoveMeNow - thank you for saying these words to me. A perfect stranger from across the abyss who has never met me of H - and yet you have put a smile on my face. Thank you! Thank you for reminding me about me!:ghug3

LoveMeNow

:ghug3

I hope you keep seeing yourself through your brothers eyes until your eyes can see what everyone else sees. <3

H lost a very special lady but his addiction lost its nemesis. Sadly, addiction is still winning out.

RoseMadder

Love is never, ever wasted. Even when it's not reciprocated it always makes a difference.

Kindeyes

I think addicts do love. I believe that their love is as real as anyone else's..... but that doesn't mean that they know how to love in a healthy way for themselves or anyone else.

The question here really isn't whether or not H really loves (or loved) you. The question is whether or not that love was healthy. Drugs are toxic. They poison everything. Unfortunately it also poisons love. H's love was real. H's love was real toxic. And that's real bad for you.

I'm glad to hear that you are loving yourself.......that's the real issue.

gentle hugs
ke

dk914

I'm going through the same thing kinda...wondering if the love was real. I spent 3 years of my life with this guy, had a child with him and why now am I questioning if he loved me? I look back and remember times where I even asked him that question. Did he only love me when he was high? He is living in a recoveryhouse at the moment and has been clean for a little more than 2 months. We had a serious conversation the other night and he admitted that it was hard for him to be with me when he was sober. Everything was hard for him. I don't think he knew how to be in a loving relationship with a person. He's too immature and needs a lot of growing to do. he lost years of his life due to his addiction. The addict he was...that really isnt him. It's almost like he is still this young, reckless, immature 20 year before he started getting into drugs. (he is now 27 but stuck in the world of a 20 year old is how I feel). On Monday morning I woke up feeling like a new person and i dont know how it happened but I'm glad I did. Before MOnday I would wake up not wanting to get out of bed, and crying at teh drop of a pin because i was so down and depressed. I am so glad to say that even though its only wednesday now, i havent cried, i havent even felt sad. I been reading all the stickies as well as codependent no more and finally i am seeing, after many people have told me numerous times, to focus on myself and my son. I get to spend every moment with my son and give him all the love he needs and get it in return. My son's love is the only love I need right now. I realized that i need to stop worrying about the past. Do I really want to know all the truth? NO. I just want to put everything behind me, learn to also forgive him because I no longer want to feel anger/ hate towards him. I know deep down he is a great person and a great friend and I don't like having this grudge towards him.

Lara

Thank you everyone for your replies. I am feeling better. A greater sense of peace with the world. Day 6 no contact (such baby steps) has been a good day.

Lara

Whew this is a tough one. I believe in some relationships this is true. The relationship is based purely on 'false' emotions brought on by chemical substance. But I do believe (and hope) that if the love was there, the relationship BEFORE the addiction - that the relationship is based on love and the love is real.
But I have read so many times how so often addicts in recovery leave their primary relationship because they have no ability to manage an intimate relationship. They are so out of touch with their feelings - have absolutely no ability to communicate - as everything before was shielding with chemical abuse. They have to relearn everything - and often - heartbreaking for the non-addict romantic partner - the recovering addict learns that the partner is not for them. A tough one for anyone to handle - especially if the intention is to remain in the relationship.
And this is the time to truly hand over our pain and all the 'stuff' that makes us human and so vulnerable - to God - or to who ever our HP may be. And to truly trust, TRULY trust that God has a plan for all of us... and what may seem heartbreaking now - is leading us to become who we are destined to be - to a happier, stronger, more fullfilled place.....
Oh dear I better remember my words when my heart is finally broken...