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Finally, Some Honesty

Old 01-14-2013, 01:00 PM
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Finally, Some Honesty

My boyfriend texted me this morning that he'd been in the ER since 2:45AM. When he called me after he was released he admitted that he has a Xanax dependency. I was sad for him, but I was also relieved to finally hear that I haven't been crazy all of this time.

He said that he doesn't take it all the time, but he's taken it three times in the past two weeks and the last time he took it (last Wednesday), it was a larger than normal dose. He hasn't had any since Wednesday so he hasn't been able to sleep, has been irritable, confused and his symptoms got worse last night. He didn't know what was happening to him, but did some research and decided he needed to go to the ER. The doctors told him that Xanax is so addictive that even a large dose like that could cause what they are referring to as a "mild dependency". He was given Librium (Chlordiazepoxide) to take as his taper drug for the rest of this week.

First question, does his story sound right? Can you develop a dependency to Xanax so quickly?

Second question, do I need to tell his father? My boyfriend is a 42 year old man and he actually did say that he doesn't want to tell his family about this because it's never going to be an issue again, but I'm not so sure about that. Should I let his father (who he is close with) know what has been going on?

I'm not even going to get into all the thoughts/questions/concerns as to what the future holds with him. I don't think I've processed the magnitude of what I now know. As I mentioned in December, I was moving into my own apartment and that has since happened. We are not living together anymore.

Meeting starting in one minute. Thanks to all who read this.
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Old 01-14-2013, 01:45 PM
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First question, does his story sound right? Can you develop a dependency to Xanax so quickly?

His story is his story, active addicts lie, then they lie some more. If my exabf said he took x number of something, I always multiplied by 3...got me a little closer to the truth.
They will say anything to get what they want and protect their addiction.

Second question, do I need to tell his father? My boyfriend is a 42 year old man and he actually did say that he doesn't want to tell his family about this because it's never going to be an issue again, but I'm not so sure about that. Should I let his father (who he is close with) know what has been going on?

He is 42, not 12, it is up to him to let his family know, not yours. As far as "it" never being an issue again...maybe...but not likely, less than 10% recover for life and I will assume that he is still smoking pot, so he is not clean...and this is not the first time he has abused"pills", this is a repeat performance.

Have you read Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie? if not, I would suggest that you consider doing so.

Keep working on you, get healthy, now is the time. Good to hear that you are not living with him and going to meetings.
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Old 01-14-2013, 02:20 PM
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Sorry, I was referring to a work meeting that was starting. I am not in Nar-anon meetings for myself.

I do not believe that he is smoking weed anymore, but I suspect that the Xanax had become a substitute for getting high when he quit drinking/smoking last month. The hospital give him the information to follow-up with psychiatrics so he will start seeing someone this week.

I'm very discouraged by the percentage of 10% of addicts ever recover fully. If that's the case, why am I even bothering? I definitely don't want a life full of worrying and having a head full of knowledge about drugs that I never needed or wanted. I guess on top of everything else I've been through in the past year, now I have to break up with my boyfriend. I've been second fiddle to his substances all along anyway so it shouldn't make a difference, but honestly, it does.
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Old 01-14-2013, 02:41 PM
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Oopps, I thought you mean't Naranon meetings...you can still go...great help to me.

I am ONLY speaking for myself, I would never spend another day with an addict or one who is supposedly in recovery. The stats speak for themselves, and life is too short (especially for me) to keep riding on the rollercoaster from h#ll. All the drama and chaos is too much for me, plus the I, I, Me, Me mentality level drives me ape sheet. I now concentrate on me, my peace and well-being.

I would suggest that you watch his actions, forget his words, they mean nothing and go from there, take one day at a time, then make your decision.

My Best...Dolly
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Old 01-14-2013, 04:03 PM
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It's not your job to tell his father. He's a grown man and has been and will continue to live his life as he chooses, no matter who know what or what the thruth is.
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Old 01-14-2013, 04:21 PM
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Xanax is a powerful drug and when taken in large doses can damage anyone
even if they are new to the drug. I was prescribed this after an intense go
around with my son who was addicted to crack. I trusted the dr. to take
care of me and that trust was violated by giving me something that at the
time was taken as I thought he had my best interest in mind.

It was long ago and didn't have the access to information that is available now
with search engines and such. I tapered myself using my common sense and came
to understand that the Dr. was a quack.. This was maybe over 10years ago.

I don't think it is always wise to condemn the person for taking it as it is a way
out for many Dr's to not have to take the time to deal with the root causes.

Let you B/F have the dignity to talk it out with his parent if he feels it is necessary..take yourself to a
place that you feel safe and let him do the same for himself.

Over analyzing isn't helpful..you are in a good place..use caution not enabling
to the extreme.

My best to you.

lauren
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Old 01-14-2013, 04:30 PM
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Wanted to share these with you, they are all from USA government statistics on drug recovery rates, and the trends in how drug addiction is now being treated. Personally, I have no idea where the 10% comes from, have never seen its supporting data or the actual source. You also have to look at the source of data because rehabs, individual counselors etc. have profit to gain by saying rates are so low without our treatment, or with our treatment they are so high. There is a wealth of information available on USA government websites; if you are interested then pm me and I can give you more links.

You did the right thing by moving out if your boyfriends behavior was unhealthy for you. That was a healthy decision.

My husband started off with opiate addiction, but he also got hooked on benzos before it was done. From what I was told by his doctors, and the rehab; it does have a very strong ability to cause addiction. And it may not be full blown addiction,time will tell on that. It was very wise he went to the ER because people can die from benzo withdrawals; it is different than opiates and a lot of other drugs. It is very good he is going to see a psychiatrist because he overmedicated for a reason, and that needs to be determined and worked on with a specialist. My husband used for a year, opiates mostly but also benzo and coke. He is now 10 months clean. Watch his actions, and what he does going forward. It will tell you all you need to knowÖ.

--------->>
It is important to note that not all persons in recovery for substance abuse relapse. Nearly one-third achieve permanent abstinence from their first attempt at recovery. An additional one-third have brief periods of substance use but eventually achieve long-term abstinence, and one-third have chronic relapses that result in premature death from chemical addiction and related consequences. These statistics are consistent with the life-long recovery rates of any chronic lifestyle-related illness](HHS/SAMHSA).

Relapse rates for drug-addicted patients are compared with those suffering from diabetes, hypertension, and asthma. Relapse is common and similar across these illnesses (as is adherence to medication). Thus, drug addiction should be treated like any other chronic illness, with relapse serving as a trigger for renewed intervention. (NIDA- National Institute Drug Abuse)

Drug addiction = 40% - 60% relapse. This also means 40% - 60% donít.
Type I Diabetes = 30 % - 50% relapse. This means 50% - 70% donít.
Hypertension = 50% - 70% relapse. This means 30% - 50% donít.
Asthma = 50% - 70% relapse. This means 30% - 50% donít.

Substance abuse treatment refers to a broad range of activities or services, including identification of the problem (and engaging the individual in treatment); brief interventions; assessment of substance abuse and related problems including histories of various types of abuse; diagnosis of the problem(s); and treatment planning, including counseling, medical services, psychiatric services, psychological services, social services and follow-up for persons with alcohol or other drug problems (Institute of Medicine).

Substance abuse treatment may be based on one of several traditional approaches:

the Medical Model which focuses on the recognition of addiction as a bio/psycho/social disease, the need for life-long abstinence, and the use of an ongoing recovery program to maintain abstinence;

the Social Model which focuses more on the need for long-term abstinence and the need for self-help recovery groups to maintain sobriety;

the Behavioral Model which focuses more on diagnosis and treatment of other problems or conditions that can interfere with recovery (HHS/SAMHSA).

Many programs use a combination of some aspects of the various models in order to facilitate the most appropriate treatment for the individual and to give patients options.

Treatment may occur in various settings, such as inpatient, hospital-based programs; short- and long-term residential programs; or outpatient programs; and may be augmented by self-help/12-step and other support groups. Treatment may also use a combination of therapies, such as pharmacological therapy to treat certain addictions (for example the use of methadone for heroin addiction or the use of antabuse to treat alcoholism); use of psychological therapy or counseling, education and social learning theories; and non-traditional healing methods such as acupuncture.

Treatment may extend over the course of weeks, months, or years, depending on the severity of the problems and the level of burden created by clients' multiple disorders such as alcoholism, other drug addiction, HIV/AIDS, mental illness (especially depression), and serious physical illnesses. The type and intensity of treatment depend on the patient's psychological, physical, and social problems; the stage (or severity) and type of addiction; personality traits; and social skills before the onset of addiction (HHS/SAMHSA). [/I]
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Old 01-14-2013, 05:31 PM
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I understand what dollydo is saying. Some days I am so drained and have so little hope for my future that I start questioning what is the point of going on. I've made sacrifices, huge sacrifices, to be with this person. I've invested so much of my time and yes, of course, money. Lots of that, too. I'm 42 and I am now alone. It didn't have to be this way for me, but I made these choices and now I'm suffering. I have regrets and the future doesn't look very bright for me.

As I sit here typing this, he just called to tell me that he got a couple of hours of sleep. It's a big deal since he hasn't been able to sleep from the withdrawls. As dollydo said, it's all me, me, me and I, I, I. As for me, I tried to get a flu shot today, but all of the places I went to were out of it and I was pissed. Is there anyone for me to talk to about that? I went grocery shopping and was pissed because I don't have a partner to help carry the groceries anymore. I feel bitter, angry and alone. I'm devastated every day that I've done this to myself. My choices have have led me down this dark path and it's a conscious effort every day to not let my sadness get the best of me.

How am I supposed to be the supportive girlfriend that he expects me to be (starting tomorrow after he gets some sleep) when I can't choke back my anger for the situation that I'm in. I can't just forget his lies and be there to nurture him back to health. I hate where my life is right now and though the choices were mine, his lies are partially to blame. I don't even want to see him and I desperately want to tell him that, but he keeps saying that he needs me to not be angry with him right now.

I'm isolating myself from people because I don't know what to say. This is the only thing on my mind and I'm a bummer to be around because I'm a bundle of uncertainty. I know I need to get out, I need to talk to people and get involved with things, but I'm just not in the mood. I feel old and washed up. I don't even like to look at FB anymore because it hurts me to see people doing normal things with their families. I'll never have that.

Weird how certain things pop into your head. All day, in the back of my mind a line from my favorite poem (The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, TS Eliot) has been repeating:

"I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

I do not think that they will sing to me."

Now he's texting me pictures of his discharge instructions. In all fairness, I did ask to see them, but this is insanity. Now he's asking me to try the number for the psychiatric department because he can't get through. How on earth did I get here?

I'm so sorry for the rant. This probably should have been put into a private journal and I feel kind of guilty for expressing it. I should call that psychiatric number and ask for help for myself, nevermind him!
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Old 01-14-2013, 07:17 PM
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Coming to SR isn't ranting.

It's hurting and wanting to feel better.

No one ever made me feel anything other than
welcome here.

But if it's your intention to move up from the
ranks of gifted amateur 'ranters' and 'go pro'-----
just know you are up against some world class
talent.

Not to brag.........but some of my work on SR has placed
me on some of the "Who's who" lists of Internet ranting,
including a guest cameo on "American Rant Weekly"

This addiction stuff is HARD.Your feelings are valid and
you are not 'old,washed up,or isolated'.
FB is bullcrap.Please don't compare your 'insides' with what
people post on FB...........noone posts ' my kid is addicted and my
house is in foreclosure'..........no one!!!!!!!!

I think the mermaids ARE singing to you.......now go clean
the crap out of your ears so you can hear them!
But know in your heart NONE of this is easy.
And know all of us at SR understand the difficulty of what you
are going through.Just knowing that has helped me more than I can
say.
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Old 01-15-2013, 05:13 AM
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Rant away, I completely understand what you are saying.

Your post and another about lonliness got me thinking about exabf....

He was supposed to cut the lawn...in three years he did it 4 times...
He was supposed to put the garbage cans out to the street for collection...he did it twice.
He was supposed to keep my vehicle washed n waxed...as he did not have wheels...he
washed it 3 times and never waxed it.
Once in a blue moon he helped me bring in the groceries.
And...the list goes on...

So, what did I need him for? Nothing, Nada, Zero. I also realized that under the drama
and chaos that I so clung to, I was bored to tears. Hearing the same stories, over and over again, the whining and crying about his issues (all of which he created) and the constant "What can you do for me today" mentality...BORING!

Aahh, I feel better, ranting does help!
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Old 01-15-2013, 02:18 PM
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Cowgirl,

What drew me to your thread was the title "Finally, Some Honesty" and I thought "oh, that poor, poor girl thinks someone taking drugs is being honest." If his lips are moving he's lying.

I'm sorry for what has brought you here and I hope that you find some answers as you continue to read and post. NarAnon is meetings for the friends and families of substance abusers and there is AlAnon (which is more widely available) for the friends and families of alcoholics - you could attend either one. I really enjoy them.
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Old 01-15-2013, 02:34 PM
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Originally Posted by outtolunch View Post
It's not your job to tell his father. He's a grown man and has been and will continue to live his life as he chooses, no matter who know what or what the thruth is.
...however, as a recovering addict from multiple drugs prescribed legally, I can say that most doctors are over their heads on this. If you read the literature (need bigger type LOL) I can say that it is incomprehensible. ...to doctors AND patients. The interactions are complex, and my Dr. for instance, "tries" things on me. They are given out like candy.

This is no indictment against doctors; we just have waaayyy too many concoctions out there. What to do? Your own research. I am so sad to see the time has come when you cannot trust your own doctor, but the other side is that we have so many other options. Sorry to say, but the research is in your own camp, as well as your doctor's.
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Old 01-19-2013, 09:02 PM
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Well, things have happened since Monday morning since my bf got out of the ER.

- He completed his Librium taper yesterday. Today was the first day without any benzo in his system and although his nerves are still a little raw, his withdrawals seem to be getting better.

- He had separate conversations with both his father and mother telling them all about his previous years of drug abuse and admitting that he was in the ER because of Xanax. He also had open conversations with them about some things that have troubled him since their divorce when he was a teenager.

- He told all of his good friends about what's happened with Xanax and that he will not be getting any of them pot or pills anymore.

- Went to visit his primary dealer, told him what was going on and asked to be removed from the blast texts he sends when he gets in some particular type of weed/hash or whatever. He recorded this particular conversation for my benefit. He's deleted this dealer and another one from his phone.

- Saw a therapist on Friday, but found out that this guy is not a drug specialist and wants to switch to another person who was referred to him who does specialize in addiction.

I so want to be encouraged and positive about all of this, but I am afraid. He is so hopeful about his future and keeps saying that he feels like everything is going to be okay. I want to be positive and cheer him on, but the hurt part of me doesn't not want to get my hopes up. He has a long way to go, which he acknowledges, but he says he's feeling better every day.

Before posting this, I half-heartedly searched his backpack (that I hate) and emptied out all of the Advils in the bottle. I didn't want to, but I guess I did it out of my own habits. Oh, and earlier I read his texts. Whatever. I don't feel bad about it.

I guess I am cautiously optimistic though admittedly a little heavier to the side of pessimism.
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Old 01-19-2013, 09:37 PM
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Neutral might be a better place to be for now, on the spectrum between optimism and pessimism.

His chances for relapse are very high. He is standing at the foot of a very high mountain, and he has a lot of personal work ahead. He has cravings, triggers, people, places and things, mood swings, depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, childhood pain, guilt, shame, amends, anger, fear, self-doubt.....all to address during his first year of recovery. It is hard work. It is intensely self-focused and self-directed work with other people in recovery and with counseling. It is not a time for trying to make a girlfriend happy, to make her feel loved and heard. Nor for promising to be an equal partner in a mature relationship. It is not a time for sacrifice in a relationship. That comes later, after he is stabilized and has dealt with the psychological issues that lie beneath the need to cope with life by drugging.

This does not mean you have to cut off contact, simply that you have to let go getting your needs met in relationship for the next 12 or more months. Can you do that? It is very possible you can if you find other ways of making connection with healthy people and perhaps with your own counselor for awhile.

Relationships rise and fall on Trust. Without it, a relationship will either end or continue with both partners in misery.

There is no trust between you. Whatever trust you had in him was obliterated the moment he lied to you about the secret life he has been living. And he probably does not trust you, either. Because addicts typically believe everyone else is as much a con artist as they are.

So, this is a time for release. Release of expectation and for having intimacy needs met. Release of demanding he be anything other than who and what he is today. And release of blaming yourself for the present (and temporary) tone of your life, for you cannot be all-knowing and you cannot be perfect. Sometimes, we slip off the path. We get a bit scraped up and maybe spend some time in the wilderness. But with a true desire to live a meaningful life, we manage to get back on the path. How do we know we're back? We feel at peace.

Please let Time be your friend and his.
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Old 01-19-2013, 09:51 PM
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Originally Posted by EnglishGarden View Post
Neutral might be a better place to be for now, on the spectrum between optimism and pessimism.

His chances for relapse are very high. He is standing at the foot of a very high mountain, and he has a lot of personal work ahead. He has cravings, triggers, people, places and things, mood swings, depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, childhood pain, guilt, shame, amends, anger, fear, self-doubt.....all to address during his first year of recovery. It is hard work. It is intensely self-focused and self-directed work with other people in recovery and with counseling. It is not a time for trying to make a girlfriend happy, to make her feel loved and heard. Nor for promising to be an equal partner in a mature relationship. It is not a time for sacrifice in a relationship. That comes later, after he is stabilized and has dealt with the psychological issues that lie beneath the need to cope with life by drugging.

This does not mean you have to cut off contact, simply that you have to let go getting your needs met in relationship for the next 12 or more months. Can you do that? It is very possible you can if you find other ways of making connection with healthy people and perhaps with your own counselor for awhile.

Relationships rise and fall on Trust. Without it, a relationship will either end or continue with both partners in misery.

There is no trust between you. Whatever trust you had in him was obliterated the moment he lied to you about the secret life he has been living. And he probably does not trust you, either. Because addicts typically believe everyone else is as much a con artist as they are.

So, this is a time for release. Release of expectation and for having intimacy needs met. Release of demanding he be anything other than who and what he is today. And release of blaming yourself for the present (and temporary) tone of your life, for you cannot be all-knowing and you cannot be perfect. Sometimes, we slip off the path. We get a bit scraped up and maybe spend some time in the wilderness. But with a true desire to live a meaningful life, we manage to get back on the path. How do we know we're back? We feel at peace.

Please let Time be your friend and his.
Literally every sentence of this post is deeply meaningful and valuable to me.

I expect to come back and read it often in the next 12 months.

Thank you so much.
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