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Down and depressed

Old 01-13-2013, 05:34 PM
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Down and depressed

So my ex decided he no longer wants to be with me. He doesn't know what he wants. He needs to focus on his recovery and get better. We have a one year old son together and he still wants to be in his life and see him every weekend. This break up is very hard on me and I have been so down and depressed lately. I keep reading about this No Contact rule but my situation makes it hard. He is living in a recovery house and does not have a car. So when he wants to see the baby, he comes to us or we go out somewhere as a family. we get along great during these times but I can't help but want something more. I want him to stay longer and hang out with me. I miss him, I miss us. I know I will eventually gt out of this funk that i am in but i can't stop crying and wishing things were different. I wanted nothing more than to be a family and us be happy. I hate addiction and what it has done to me and my family! After all i had been put through, especially this past year am I crazy for still wanting something with him? I guess I just keep holding onto hope that he will change and kick his habit for good. The one thing that helps though is reading all the posts on this forum. I also read Codependent NO More and that made me see things a littl emore clearly.
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Old 01-13-2013, 06:00 PM
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I kind of am in somewhat of the same situation. We do not have kids but my bf is in a sober living house. I feel like he is drifting away from me and wanting to just focus on him an d not be with me. It is a struggle because ultimately I just want him to be clean and healthy but I'm scared that means we are done. I have committed 12 years of my life to him. It is rough and I'm really struggling with it but I know I will be ok no matter what. I think my biggest help has been that I have a wonderful career and support system. I would encourage you to just keep your feet planted and move forward. If time has you two rekindle then that is great, but you need things to help you stay focused on you and your son.
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Old 01-13-2013, 06:31 PM
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Originally Posted by dk914 View Post
So my ex decided he no longer wants to be with me. He doesn't know what he wants. He needs to focus on his recovery and get better. We have a one year old son together and he still wants to be in his life and see him every weekend. This break up is very hard on me and I have been so down and depressed lately. I keep reading about this No Contact rule but my situation makes it hard. He is living in a recovery house and does not have a car. So when he wants to see the baby, he comes to us or we go out somewhere as a family. we get along great during these times but I can't help but want something more. I want him to stay longer and hang out with me. I miss him, I miss us. I know I will eventually gt out of this funk that i am in but i can't stop crying and wishing things were different. I wanted nothing more than to be a family and us be happy. I hate addiction and what it has done to me and my family! After all i had been put through, especially this past year am I crazy for still wanting something with him? I guess I just keep holding onto hope that he will change and kick his habit for good. The one thing that helps though is reading all the posts on this forum. I also read Codependent NO More and that made me see things a littl emore clearly.
I see you're new to us, so welcome.

Breakups suck, even if addiction isn't in the picture. But whether you see it or not, you have a chance to do some work on yourself. At this moment in time, your ex can't be what you want to him to be and he can't love you in the way you want, or deserve, to be loved because he's very, very sick. Maybe one day he will, but you can't count on that. Right now, if he's truly, truly serious about recovery, that's going to be his full time job. If you love him -- and I mean really, really love him -- you'll stand aside and allow him the space to get better.

As for you, this will sting for a while. I strongly encourage you to find an Al Anon and/or Nar Anon meeting local to you. Go in with your eyes and ears open, because those programs aren't about him. They're about you and what you need to do to be healthier. Coming here and finding us is a good start, too. Read as many of the pertinent sticky notes as you can, especially "What Addicts Do". When you get enough posts under your belt, you can PM other members and pick their brains as to how they've gotten through similar times.

Take care, and let us know how you're doing.

ZoSo
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Old 01-13-2013, 08:43 PM
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DDearDK,

Aww sweetie im so sorry your hurting, it wont last forever it just feels that way and as yoy said "you will get out of this funk adventually"! That's right feel what your feeling and let it go! At least in my opinion and what I learn and heard shared many times!

One thing I STRONGLY recommend/suggest is now would be as good a time as any if not the best time for you to find some recovery! Hunny whenwe live with anothers active addictions we are affected too! Like right now! This is not "normal" healthy living! Its what happens to us and we don't even know it, and if you grew up in or around alcoholic people or addicted people loved ones, it could be that you need more help than he does! Not to freak you out or scare you or insult you in any way shape or form! Just sharing my experience in my recovery journey! Oh how I wish I could take every young mother and share with them all I have discovered during this process! Oh the heartache and pain that could be so much less! The trials and hurt the kids go through they could be spared, some are effected so deeply there are life long scares and increased chances of their children repeating what they were exposed to their whole life! RECOVERY is life or death for both addicts and codependenrs IMO! We don't know how to do anything different, we don't have the tools, the knowledge, courage, wisdom we need to change our lifes! We need to heal and nurture ourselfs, first find out who we are so we can do that! We get sooo hooked and enmeshed with our partners we loose us or what little bit of us we had to start for some of us!

I know this is alot to take in but I promise you on everything I love there is hope! Hope for you, your love your one year old! Oh babygirl don't you see it has to start with YOU! Your choice of Your will or Gods will!? That was/ is soooo hard to let go and trust God! But we have to in order to maintain our sainty and serenity! But the more I do it the less difficult it gets! So all of this to say please give yourself the gift of a lifetime your recovery! Get to a al anon or nar anon mtg! They are all over all different times! Give it several mtgs before you decide if its right for you!

Your love is doing what he has to what he needs to! He needs to focous 110% the first year on his recovery! You can hope this sticks for him but know too relapses happen and that's just part of recovery for them and us!

Really sweetie you should feel very greatful right now, I would give my left toe if my ex were to be where your love is! I would not really give a toe, but that's how much I want that for him! His life and his choices not to... I can accept it and live and let live or I can stay stuck in my hopes and "my' truths not the truth! I want our familt too and I want the man I feel in love with back, my kids to not be fatherless!
but ya know what I can't change none of that! Damn..... But I can change how I deal with it... by taking care of me, spiritually emotionally and mentally taking care of my sons....

Don't get me wrong I love my kids father and still hope he finds recovery and we can be a family, however while he lives a totally different lifestyle active addiction, I don't and don't want any part of it. I wont love him to death, watch him kill himself help him by enabling him. Its madness and chaos and I choose to be no contact because I wanted to protect myself... I was not strong enough to not get sucked into his "world" because I was so hooked to him and love him with a ll my heart! I had to distance myself for me, so I could get clairty, and understanding for my life. And hear Gods will for my life!

And it worked! When I detached from him lovingly, was not angry or mad just needed distance, emotional, physical distance! And sought Gods will for my life and finally I heard God tell me even if he Got himself into recovery tomorrow, it would be at least a year before he would be anywhere near ready to have a telationship...... okayyy! I heard that.... so what the hell am I doing waiting around hoping everyday and crying and waisting living my life waiting for him!???? Makes no sense! In the mean time I keep living and focus on me! If he ever does get recovery and we end up together I will be healthy have been working my recovery and it could work, we sure would be in a much healthier place and I would not create a unhealthy environment and bring my toxicness to it and contaminate things!

Wow sorry just wanted to share all that with you! You remind me of me a few years back! But your way younger and so is your child and you love is in recovery... your in a much better place than I was... you are blessed and I don't know if you know this? You hav4 sooo much to be greatful for! We all do just can't see it at times!

Get your booty to a meeting! A few and let me know what ya thought!? Give a few different ons a try see if you find one that really speaks to ya and you can connect with!

No contact is for you, your choice! I say if your going to jepordize his recovery by interfering with his recovery maybe he should go no contact!!!!???? Hmmmmm something to think about?! Put yourself I his shoes and look at it from his perspective. If he is getting better and you don't?

I say all this in love and wish and hope nothing but goodness and Gods best for you and yours!
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Old 01-14-2013, 06:05 AM
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Thank you! I am definitely going to check out a NarAnon meeting. I know on friday there is a beginners meeting not too far from me so I'm thinking that will be a good one to start with. I been to a couple family meetings before with my ex that was for both addicts and their loved ones and I really enjoyed that meeting. I was able to listen and hear stories from both the addicts themselves and their families. We stopped going because of work conflicts and that it is a little far of a drive. But i liked the fact of both of us going together. It was like we were in this together. But I do understand that he needs to get better and so do I. If we're meant to be together than we will be. As much as I want us together now, I know that isn't the best thing for him. He is doing great in his recovery at the moment and I want to see him to continue to get better. I woke up today feeling really good about myself. I hope I continue having mornings like this. Usually though duringhte week I do good cause I'm so occupied and than the weekends come and that's when I get back into my sad lonely depressed self. But hey, I been through a bad heartbreak before and I know it takes time!
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Old 01-14-2013, 06:28 AM
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Hugs!!!!
I am new here, and learning all of this as well. my husband is an addict and its such a horrible thing. I just started reading Codependent No More last night.
I can so relate to the weekdays being okay and the weekends sucking. My circumstances are a bit different, as I am still married and living with my AH.
I hope you find some sort of peace today.
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Old 01-16-2013, 05:58 AM
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So it's 2 days later and I'm still feeling really good! I don't know what finally clicked inside me but I am happy it did. I think all this reading I have been doing is finally working. I am finally realizing that instead of worrying about him and if there is a future for us, I need to just live in the moment and worry about getting myself better. I know I have some things that need to be changed and im not 100% better but at least I'm going in the right direction...and I'm excited to start this process. It's a new year and a new beginning. 2012 was hell for me and I will not let that be the same for 2013! Thank you to everyone for your words and wisdom!
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