think i "relapsed" now what

Old 01-13-2013, 06:43 AM
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think i "relapsed" now what

Good Morning SR peeps!

My sons are teens and for anyone who is unfamiliar with my journey, their father is an addict. He is not in their life, his choice. My boys are at that age where they are "testing" the water, what age is that? Lol seems like they do it through out their whole lifes on some level. Anyway this is a "im a man" test! Whoa! My youngest is my biggest challenge he is almost 15. Oldest will be 18 this fall.

There was a situation of challenging me and what I asked my youngest to do. He flat out told me "No" and refused to do a few simple chores. I told him he could go to his room and do nothing if he chose to "do nothing" he went and stood in the doorway. Refused to go into the room and stated "he was in his room". Then left the room and went and sat on the couch, hands in pockets and halfway laying off the couch. I've been sick for over a week and just got some medicine. One thing lead to another and he swung at me which was my breaking point. After him verbally disrespecting this past week when I was sick and telling him to stop and he refused it was the straw that broke the camels back. I went into a fight or flight mode and we ended up in a tussle! Literally wrestling to the ground! What the heck!

After I let him up he swung or swatted at me again when I had my finger pointing at him and telling him that was completely unacceptable. I walked away and said I can't do this I can't live like this you can go stay with your dad. He said fine take me there. So I called in a moment of despair and so much anger! Of course he did not answer but called back.

I have been "no contact" for a month and broke it! I went to the hardware store for a loaf of bread! My son took off walking and I went to my room and sobbed and sobbed! My kids father of course used me breaking contact with him as his excuse of why he has not called his sons! Not surprised! Both the boys have cell phones and he has their number! I told ex no excuse no justification for not calling them just im not talking to you! Blah blah blah!

My son came home after 10 min and went down to the "man cave" and fell asleep on the couch! We have not talked yet! I told my ex I probably should not have called and I can't make you be a father to them if you don't want to. This summer when we tried to work out our relationship I saw a huge break through in my son. His dad was really trying and was so good with him and we as a team were able to stay strong and be a united force consistany for weeks with our son and saw big changes in him! It was awesome! I tried for three years prior to this and was unable to reach him until his dad came back into his life. Argggggg

He his a good kid and a kind hearted boy and when he got to middle school he fell apart! His straight As went to b c d and e! He went to counseling and had the assistant principal take him under his wing....

I can't fix his broken heart and anger. And I can't teach him the "manly" things he longs for! I know he misses his dad and is really sad about his fathers choices. I know he is at a difficult age too. So now what!

I talk to him about what I learn in al anon and about the three c's! And much more! I invite himnto go to mtgs with me he wont. Im going to try to get him to go to church with me today! And check into counseling again!

I opened pandoras box with reaching out to ex in a desperate cry for help! What was I thinking? I was not! I guess I thought my ex would find one shred of care in him to be there for his son. Or realize and remember the difference he saw in his son when he made a commitment to him this summer. And the satisfaction my ex had in his parenting skills! God I hate what addiction does to people!

So when my ex startts calling if he does what do I do? Ignore him? I need to really take a look at this! I feel torn about calling opening the door then slamming it shut again! But that's what he does! I told him I stopped contact for me! So I would not be sucked in! There was no point in us carrying on when we both want and need different things. And have different life styles.

Sorry this is so long and my thoughts are all over the place! I need to do some serious pryaing and meditation! Thanks for letting me share! Any thoughts or experiences would be most appreciated thanks!
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Old 01-13-2013, 07:51 AM
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I'm sorry that you are dealing with the teenaged trials. It's tough under the best of circumstances.

If I could go back and do it again......I would try to do a better job of establishing my boundaries, not saying something unless I absolutely mean it, and staying calm. Our kids really know how to push our if we could just disengage when they do that. But they seem to use "weapons" (words and deeds) that we are just not prepared to deal with. 20/20 hindsight is so powerful but useless in so many ways.....when I think back on it.....I know I did the best that I was able. My son was a "handful" and then some. Trying to exert some control was difficult at best.

My XAH was usually working against me. There was seldom a sense of cooperation.....I'm sure I was partially to blame for some of it though. It's difficult, if not impossible, to co-parent with someone in active addiction. The games crop up and it's hard not to get sucked in to them. It's good that you're going to meetings. I believe they will help you with the situation with your son too.

gentle hugs of support
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Old 01-13-2013, 09:01 AM
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Getting there!!
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I am sorry Bunkie - its such a hard situation to be in.

My dog groomer had a very similar situation with her 15 yr old son. After days of disrespecting her, he eventually swung at her and she reacted too. He then called the police and SHE was arrested. One of the reasons she did not call the police herself is because if a child is arrested for an assault on a parent, it automatically eliminates all chances of getting into any of the branches of the military - which has always been his desire. The situation cost her thousands of dollars and a lot missed work and business. I am sharing this because it really opened my eyes to the situation with my own son. In my area, I know there are community resources for both parents and children in crisis. I hope you look into what is available so you can avoid a potential devastating situation.

As for your husband, have your read the Trujillo Papers on Crack Cocaine? It can be found in Cynical One's blog or just by googling it. It may give you more insight on your husbands addiction and answer the many questions that you are asking. Warning, it is very disturbing.

I, too, hate addiction! May God help us all.
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Old 01-13-2013, 10:10 AM
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Is there a Big Brothers , Big Sisters in your area? I don't know how you feel about the organization but the one we have here is great.
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Old 01-13-2013, 12:41 PM
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Being a young teen is really hard, expecially when one parent is just not around.
Are there any older males in the family that your son can get close too? My brother
started acting out after my dad died and my uncle started taking him out to do "guy things"
and it helped him adjust better.

As for calling your ex, I would just try to resume no contact. You called him in a moment
of emotional turmoil with your son and he didn't come through. If he had stepped up
and really did the right thing I could see questioning the no contact, but he proved to be the you'll prob. save yourself alot of hurt by just resuming no contact.
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Old 01-13-2013, 12:52 PM
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He saw his father disrepect you , so he thinks its okay.

I wonder what it would take to make sure he knows it is not okay.
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Old 01-13-2013, 01:24 PM
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Your post brought something to my attention that I needed to see with clarity. Your husband is not contacting his children however still wants to be in contact with you. Right? I seems painfully obvious addicts need to try and find an enabler.

I am not implying he doesn't love you or your sons (as much as possible right now). Nor an I implying you are enabling, in fact I see the opposite but I am still seeing a pattern that I have been watching for with addicted spouses with children.
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Old 01-13-2013, 05:15 PM
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Thanks all! I appreciate you all alot! Just knowing im not alone and others have experienced the same and worse! Thanks for sharing it gives me insight for myself and some things to also share with my son!

I took him to church this am. He and I did not even dicuss last night! I told him he might want to get something to eat cause we are going to church, he said "okay" and I said im getting in the shower! Then 20 mins before time to go as he was getting ready I said "were leaving in 20 min can you be ready?" He said "yes" and that was it!

The srevice was good and touched on respect and dignity! We both know what happened should not have and at this time there is no tension or anger from him or I. He was respectful and did the chores I asked him to and his attitude was real good all day!

About his father disrespecting me yes and no! I did not have the amount of respect I needed to. He also was very much a huge support of me and that my sons were not to talk to me other than respectul and he himself said I was his "princess" in front of my sons all the time told them what a good woman I was and mother. When he started to show signs of using and he became agitated and snapy and moody, I sent him on his way! Because iam and have been restoring my self esteem and self worth thus my self respect!

About his contacting me and not his kids! Yep! Pretty much a tell tale sign of his mind set! He is looking for someone he can suck into his world to be a tool for his needs. Completely addict in full blown addiction classic case! And a closed case for me! I had a weak moment of desperation and reached out to the person who should be there for his own son but is not! I told my sponsor "yep I went to the hardware store for some bread, hey I need some hairspray let's go to Taco Bell to get some"! Lmao! Its not funny really and is very sad for him and my son and me! But I used that analogy and a little humor to lighten the moment and put it into perspective!

Teens are hard and it is a very difficult age! My mom alwys told us 4 kids she raised, "if you can survive toddlers and teens you will be alright"! Man was she not kidding! I would take a truck load of toddlers over a few teens anyday! Geezzz!

My brother has stepped in over the years but works 2 jobs now and has a family too, so his time is next to none! Big brothers tried that several years ago and had a bad experience. So now this church we went to before and again today is really huge on "'Men with honor and dignity" they have several programs there for youth and young men! Sounds very promising! And my son called the church "fun" today when we got home!

One day at a time! Greatful for alot of things today! Espically people like you all! Prayers for you and your loved ones!

Oh and the phone call back I was told by ex he would give...... Never happened! Shocker! And I did real good with keeping the focous on our son and not buying into any of his "trickery" and razzle dazzle baffling bull crap! I still may get a call but I may or may not answer. I don't have any need or desire to talk to him after last night! He is using pills or at least went to er room for back problems, he does not know what happened just could hardly walk and its been bothering him for a while he said! So I said oh so your all hopped up on pain pills? Anyway does not matter what he is doing I know what he is not! And that's not being a father! And until he stops using what ever he chooses it wont change! So I will live my life raising our sons the best I can, continue to grow and reach out for help from different sources and provide the best life for my sons that I can! And trust my God of my understanding to guide me and trust he will provide for me and my sons what we need to stay healty and heal our hearts and strengthn our spirits! I will continue to pray for my ex too! But our lifes will go forward in a positive direction with or without his involvement! Addiction is a theif and I hate it, but remember to keep my hate of what addiction is and does to families seperate from the addict!
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Old 01-13-2013, 05:52 PM
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Bunkie - I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know the trials and tribulations of dealing with a teen, as well. You're a wonderful mother and your children are lucky to have you. I know they may not see it now but, in the end as long as you are doing what is best for them, that's all that counts. Hang in there we are walking right along with you. BTW - I'm following behind you so you can give me all the answers to dealing with my teen
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Old 01-13-2013, 06:22 PM
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Thanks supportforme! Always nice to hear kind and thoughtful words! There are so many awesome and strong and wonderful people on here! I feel so thankful to each and everyone that shares from their hearts their hopes and fears, experience and strength! As for the parenting tips.... LOL! how about put your seat belt on about 6th grade!!!!! Lol cause the ride you will begin could have some BIG bumps! One thing I can say and do suggest and will continue to know with everything in me, the alanon program changed my life which is giving my kids a better life too! Not perfect my no means but little by little as I stay stead fast in my commitment to God, myself and my children Iam becoming a healthier person, mother, friend, employee, daughter, sister! Its hard work sometimes but staying true to myself, after learning who Iam, and more will be revealed, but what I know now and the tools I have now is giving my childern a better life. And the pain of addiction and its effects they will work through and I have confidence and faith they will be better Men and fathers and sons because of the healing and example I try to set (not perfectly) but im genuine and they see 5he change in me and I share what I learn about me, addiction etc...... so that's my story and im sticking to it! Working on you and loving you will help you become the best mother you can be.... and prepare you to survive "teens" and lifes twists and turns!
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