where i'm at...or not...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Over here.
Posts: 369
where i'm at...or not...
hi everyone. i haven't updated in a little while because i really didn't know what to say or how to say it. not sure i do now either. i'm sorry if i also seem like a person who posts and posts and never offers in return. i feel unqualified to give advice right now. all i can share is my experience, i guess...
two weeks ago, after about another week or so of the boyfriend staying elsewhere and sending me gibberish messages that indicated all too clearly that he was entirely messed up, he showed up at my door in the middle of the night in a snowstorm. i heard tapping and when i opened the door, there he was, covered in snow, shaking, and completely wasted. i let him in. he couldn't be clear as to how he got to my house except to say that he had been driven part of the way by the husband of the couple he was staying with and that he hitchhiked the rest. something was not right about the story...not to mention the stumbling around and nonsense talking and total a**hole attitude. i locked myself in my bedroom and decided to try to contact the people with whom he had been staying to try to get some kind of explanation.
i was informed that he had been caught stealing medication from the wife of the couple from her bedroom safe and "wouldn't fess up...among other things." he had been driven all the way to my town and dropped off about 1.5 blocks from me. so no hitching. they had gone into the room where he had been staying and had found multiple needles, crushed pills, and a general mess. so they kicked him out. wanted him to get his s**t. wanted to be paid money he owed them. somewhat sickeningly, i felt validated as they had seen what i had been dealing with all along and my reputation as "crazy" caused by his lies had been all but obliterated by his actions. i was given many apologies by the couple and have been in contact with them since.
the boyfriend remained wasted through the next day. over the course of a few days, i found out that pretty much all of my suspicions were founded, everything i had been wondering about and feeling such a need for truth about had been presented to me, and the truth of it was worse than what i had been thinking. he pawned a ring he had given me as an "engagement" ring months back. he had lied about its origin. he pawned it without even paying for it. he pawned an amp. he spent all the money he had made less than a month before on pills and who knows what else. the people he had been staying with had been suspecting him of stealing medications but couldn't prove it so had been setting traps--leaving the safe on a certain number only to find it moved later on, for instance. in the end, he was caught red-handed by the wife's mother and he still denied what he had done. they threw him out. period.
two weeks later and he is still in my house. he had to go to the ER three days in a row after being here because he had given himself another infection in his arm from injecting that required iv antibiotics. he told ER staff what he had done. he told his PCP. he is now on subutex, low dose klonopin, and antibiotics in addition to his other medications. he has been emailing treatment centers and counselors and going through recovery paperwork he has from past rehab adventures.
i am in limbo. i feel done with him as far as our "relationship" is concerned. i don't believe anything he says because i've heard it all. i've been lied to more times than i even thought i was. i won't trust him again. i feel like my feelings for him have died and the only reason he sits in my living room at this moment is because it's winter, he has nowhere else to go, and i do care and i do want him to get into treatment. i keep thinking if i just hang on, he will go to rehab and i can be free of this for good.
it's not MY problem. i know this. i don't want MY life on hold. i feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. i'm barely interacting with him. i was extremely angry for days and now i feel settled into a stupor. like i've just accepted this is how it is right now and i will deal with him at an emotional distance although he is still in my home. he has been doing some of the pity party crap. he has also tried to deflect blame. he denies things to the point where i all but gave up asking him questions or talking about it. in one breath, he knows what he has done and he knows he needs help...in the next, he was hurting HIMSELF, don't i see that??? and it wasn't his intention to ever hurt ME. whatever.
i don't know what i'm doing right now besides venting. and updating. and looking for support, of course. i'm worn out. i'm at the end of my rope. i can't take any more. i feel helpless yet i also feel more in control of myself and my life despite appearances to the contrary. i don't feel RESPONSIBLE for his behavior and his life, necessarily, but i don't want to put him on the street when, like i said, i do CARE about him. i don't know. i just don't know... i'll take any thoughts or scoldings or advice anyone would be kind enough to give me.
thank you in advance...and know that i've been lurking this whole time and i appreciate everyone sharing their struggles and triumphs, experience, strength, and hope...it does help just to know i'm not alone.
two weeks ago, after about another week or so of the boyfriend staying elsewhere and sending me gibberish messages that indicated all too clearly that he was entirely messed up, he showed up at my door in the middle of the night in a snowstorm. i heard tapping and when i opened the door, there he was, covered in snow, shaking, and completely wasted. i let him in. he couldn't be clear as to how he got to my house except to say that he had been driven part of the way by the husband of the couple he was staying with and that he hitchhiked the rest. something was not right about the story...not to mention the stumbling around and nonsense talking and total a**hole attitude. i locked myself in my bedroom and decided to try to contact the people with whom he had been staying to try to get some kind of explanation.
i was informed that he had been caught stealing medication from the wife of the couple from her bedroom safe and "wouldn't fess up...among other things." he had been driven all the way to my town and dropped off about 1.5 blocks from me. so no hitching. they had gone into the room where he had been staying and had found multiple needles, crushed pills, and a general mess. so they kicked him out. wanted him to get his s**t. wanted to be paid money he owed them. somewhat sickeningly, i felt validated as they had seen what i had been dealing with all along and my reputation as "crazy" caused by his lies had been all but obliterated by his actions. i was given many apologies by the couple and have been in contact with them since.
the boyfriend remained wasted through the next day. over the course of a few days, i found out that pretty much all of my suspicions were founded, everything i had been wondering about and feeling such a need for truth about had been presented to me, and the truth of it was worse than what i had been thinking. he pawned a ring he had given me as an "engagement" ring months back. he had lied about its origin. he pawned it without even paying for it. he pawned an amp. he spent all the money he had made less than a month before on pills and who knows what else. the people he had been staying with had been suspecting him of stealing medications but couldn't prove it so had been setting traps--leaving the safe on a certain number only to find it moved later on, for instance. in the end, he was caught red-handed by the wife's mother and he still denied what he had done. they threw him out. period.
two weeks later and he is still in my house. he had to go to the ER three days in a row after being here because he had given himself another infection in his arm from injecting that required iv antibiotics. he told ER staff what he had done. he told his PCP. he is now on subutex, low dose klonopin, and antibiotics in addition to his other medications. he has been emailing treatment centers and counselors and going through recovery paperwork he has from past rehab adventures.
i am in limbo. i feel done with him as far as our "relationship" is concerned. i don't believe anything he says because i've heard it all. i've been lied to more times than i even thought i was. i won't trust him again. i feel like my feelings for him have died and the only reason he sits in my living room at this moment is because it's winter, he has nowhere else to go, and i do care and i do want him to get into treatment. i keep thinking if i just hang on, he will go to rehab and i can be free of this for good.
it's not MY problem. i know this. i don't want MY life on hold. i feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. i'm barely interacting with him. i was extremely angry for days and now i feel settled into a stupor. like i've just accepted this is how it is right now and i will deal with him at an emotional distance although he is still in my home. he has been doing some of the pity party crap. he has also tried to deflect blame. he denies things to the point where i all but gave up asking him questions or talking about it. in one breath, he knows what he has done and he knows he needs help...in the next, he was hurting HIMSELF, don't i see that??? and it wasn't his intention to ever hurt ME. whatever.
i don't know what i'm doing right now besides venting. and updating. and looking for support, of course. i'm worn out. i'm at the end of my rope. i can't take any more. i feel helpless yet i also feel more in control of myself and my life despite appearances to the contrary. i don't feel RESPONSIBLE for his behavior and his life, necessarily, but i don't want to put him on the street when, like i said, i do CARE about him. i don't know. i just don't know... i'll take any thoughts or scoldings or advice anyone would be kind enough to give me.
thank you in advance...and know that i've been lurking this whole time and i appreciate everyone sharing their struggles and triumphs, experience, strength, and hope...it does help just to know i'm not alone.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Congrats on 4 months pot free.
We care about you so much!
Maybe this was what you needed , aye.
The only thing I might suggest is putting a end date on him being able to stay there.
He needs to know that you have control of your life and that the day will come when he has to leave.
Please keep posting, sending you lots of love mstrust.
Keep posting xo
We care about you so much!
Maybe this was what you needed , aye.
The only thing I might suggest is putting a end date on him being able to stay there.
He needs to know that you have control of your life and that the day will come when he has to leave.
Please keep posting, sending you lots of love mstrust.
Keep posting xo
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
Yay for you! Super congrats to your 4 months. As for him, I am so sorry for your situation. He is like an adult child and you are like his gatekeeper right now. That is a tough situation. And it is tougher because you are or were an intimate partner. If you were detached- he would be on the street or in a hospital or in jail. Keeping him safe is not your job. I took on that job for a while and it was never mine to take on. But I had to learn that lesson a few times. It's not a healthy environment for you and he is taking advantage of your kindness. Are you putting your life on hold? Are you able to get to meetings? Will he steal from you next? Are you in danger? You are my dear. You have an active addict in your house. If I were you, I would call the police or friends and family to help you. Would he do the same for you? Nope- he is not capable. Trust me. I have been in a mother/child like relationship for far too long and I finally see the light. Miss him like crazy but somehow trust it will get better. Bless him and release him. The sooner the better! It hurts but my God, it's worth it. And don't worry about not responding to anyone here on SR. You will when you feel ready and we do not judge you for not being ready. I have been through phases where I cannot post a reply to anyone else because I am too much in the thick of crisis. You are in crisis and you can ask for help from us. It does get better. I feel lucky that it only has taken me 3 years to let go. I even feel confident that this is the only option for my recovery and his. See step 1 of the 12 steps. It's a powerful step for someone in your shoes. You are loved and you will get through this. 
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Hi Mistrust, Please look closely at your motives! We codies do a great job at lying to ourselves. We can be just as good as the addict. What need is "helping him" filling for you? I know I always think I am "helping" because of love and compassion. I was shocked to learn that wasn't always true.
Congratulations on your 4 months. Just don't let the high of being a "rescuer" become your new addiction.
P.S. SR is like a meeting, when I dont want to post the truth, I know I really need to.
Congratulations on your 4 months. Just don't let the high of being a "rescuer" become your new addiction.
P.S. SR is like a meeting, when I dont want to post the truth, I know I really need to.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Congratulations on your 4 months, well done!!
Any time I let my son stay at home waiting to get into rehab, time went on and on and I ended up making him leave.
"We" are not their only option. Perhaps call the Salvation Army and see if they have a shelter where he could stay until a program opens up. They have a free program and often will shelter those waiting to get in. Ask them if they know a place where he can go, or a shelter. This is something "he" really should do, but truthfully, my son would fake the phone calls and tell me there is nothing.
Good luck. No need to leave yourself in harms way, you will only regret it.
Hugs
Any time I let my son stay at home waiting to get into rehab, time went on and on and I ended up making him leave.
"We" are not their only option. Perhaps call the Salvation Army and see if they have a shelter where he could stay until a program opens up. They have a free program and often will shelter those waiting to get in. Ask them if they know a place where he can go, or a shelter. This is something "he" really should do, but truthfully, my son would fake the phone calls and tell me there is nothing.
Good luck. No need to leave yourself in harms way, you will only regret it.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
An addict will always stick with their current "best" option and right now, you're it.
No one HAS to be cold, homeless and hungry. There are places that can help him....shelters, Salvation Army, etc. but those are not acceptable solutions to him until it's his ONLY solution.
There was nothing harder that I have ever done than told my son to go to a shelter if he was cold and hungry. It broke my heart and it took me a loooong time to finally get to that point. I slid a pillow under his butt as he approached his bottom more times than I care to count. It's very hard to watch someone you love hit their bottom....particularly when it's a very low bottom. But hitting that bottom is what actually helps them finally seek help for themselves.
You'll do what your heart can handle. Believe me.....I understand that.....I had to let my son go and turn him over to God so that he would either hit his bottom or die......and be out of the pain and agony that he was obviously in. That sounds harsh......but he is currently in the SA-ARC getting help. If I'd let him stay here......he wouldn't be getting the help he so desperately needed.
gentle hugs
ke
No one HAS to be cold, homeless and hungry. There are places that can help him....shelters, Salvation Army, etc. but those are not acceptable solutions to him until it's his ONLY solution.
There was nothing harder that I have ever done than told my son to go to a shelter if he was cold and hungry. It broke my heart and it took me a loooong time to finally get to that point. I slid a pillow under his butt as he approached his bottom more times than I care to count. It's very hard to watch someone you love hit their bottom....particularly when it's a very low bottom. But hitting that bottom is what actually helps them finally seek help for themselves.
You'll do what your heart can handle. Believe me.....I understand that.....I had to let my son go and turn him over to God so that he would either hit his bottom or die......and be out of the pain and agony that he was obviously in. That sounds harsh......but he is currently in the SA-ARC getting help. If I'd let him stay here......he wouldn't be getting the help he so desperately needed.
gentle hugs
ke
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Glad that you are still in recovery from pot. Good Job!
Now might be time to start your recovery from codependency and your addiction to hm.
If you want to keep enabing him, do so...if not, do something about it. It is your choice, he is not doing this to you, you are.
Until you let him fall to his knees, he will never have a chance to get back up and you will contine to do what you are doing until you reach your bottom, when enough is finally enough, you will take action and follow through, until then...nothing will change.
Hope that you reach your bottom...sooner...rather than later.
Now might be time to start your recovery from codependency and your addiction to hm.
If you want to keep enabing him, do so...if not, do something about it. It is your choice, he is not doing this to you, you are.
Until you let him fall to his knees, he will never have a chance to get back up and you will contine to do what you are doing until you reach your bottom, when enough is finally enough, you will take action and follow through, until then...nothing will change.
Hope that you reach your bottom...sooner...rather than later.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Over here.
Posts: 369
thank you all for your support.
i have thought about what i am gaining from this in my little codie head. i know there is a part of me that just feels sorry for him. i hate that feeling. it's disgusting to me. i don't want to feel the guilt i know i would feel, whether reasonable or justified or not, if i told him he needs to get out. i think about the what if's...what if he gets so hopeless he goes to a bad environment? what if he relapses again only worse and he ends up dead or at least strung out for a few more months. so i guess i am doing my best to "control" what i can't in these ways.
another thing is this...and yeah, i'm ashamed to admit it, but as long as he is where i can see him and know what he is doing day-to-day, i feel like i reassure myself somehow. i don't have to wonder because he's right here.
and yet one more thing is that somewhere in me i know that keeping this roller coaster going in my life effectively gives me excuses to not do the things i know i need to do in order to improve my life and myself. why is my paperwork still always late at work??? well, how can i concentrate with this going on? why do i not spend any time at all with any of my friends anymore??? well, who would feel like going out and having fun with this going on? as long as i keep myself wrapped up in this bull, i don't need to move on with my own life and REALLY confront myself.
i walk my dog whenever i can. four miles in the woods. it's my salvation. i've been trying and succeeding at eating healthier and regularly (my tendency is to not eat with stress) and i've gained back 20 of the pounds i lost while this has been happening. like i said, i'm still sober and committed to staying that way. so it isn't as though i haven't done anything...i just haven't done EVERYTHING. and meanwhile, life speeds by and none of us know what might be around the corner. i don't want to constantly think about what could be or should be while still sitting around mostly playing the victim when i'm a victim of myself more than anyone else.
added--i also AM in therapy and this is what the focus is...it's not that i'm not working on it at all...
i have thought about what i am gaining from this in my little codie head. i know there is a part of me that just feels sorry for him. i hate that feeling. it's disgusting to me. i don't want to feel the guilt i know i would feel, whether reasonable or justified or not, if i told him he needs to get out. i think about the what if's...what if he gets so hopeless he goes to a bad environment? what if he relapses again only worse and he ends up dead or at least strung out for a few more months. so i guess i am doing my best to "control" what i can't in these ways.
another thing is this...and yeah, i'm ashamed to admit it, but as long as he is where i can see him and know what he is doing day-to-day, i feel like i reassure myself somehow. i don't have to wonder because he's right here.
and yet one more thing is that somewhere in me i know that keeping this roller coaster going in my life effectively gives me excuses to not do the things i know i need to do in order to improve my life and myself. why is my paperwork still always late at work??? well, how can i concentrate with this going on? why do i not spend any time at all with any of my friends anymore??? well, who would feel like going out and having fun with this going on? as long as i keep myself wrapped up in this bull, i don't need to move on with my own life and REALLY confront myself.
i walk my dog whenever i can. four miles in the woods. it's my salvation. i've been trying and succeeding at eating healthier and regularly (my tendency is to not eat with stress) and i've gained back 20 of the pounds i lost while this has been happening. like i said, i'm still sober and committed to staying that way. so it isn't as though i haven't done anything...i just haven't done EVERYTHING. and meanwhile, life speeds by and none of us know what might be around the corner. i don't want to constantly think about what could be or should be while still sitting around mostly playing the victim when i'm a victim of myself more than anyone else.
added--i also AM in therapy and this is what the focus is...it's not that i'm not working on it at all...
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Victoria, BC
Posts: 51
My Ex's mother finally booted him and he's living in shelters right now. At first I had to fight with myself not to rescue him. I live downtown and see the homeless right out my window. Its heartbreaking, however, I knew I would never be able to get him out again if I took him in and he would talk about rehabs to maintain my help but nothing would really happen. I have had coffee with him a few times, but drop him back to the shelter. He's been at various ones since November. He talks about going to rehab, but its only to have better living conditions for a month or so. He's protecting his addictions so well that he's willing to lie to himself about rehab! I really don't expect him to do anything at all. As soon as his welfare cheque comes out he's off on a bender so really he's just biding his time until he can get more money. It is what it is....addiction is his comfort and even on a mat on a church floor its more desirable than a sober life. Ask your boyfriend to leave....his addiction will be more important to him than his comfort.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Mistrust - I say all this with respect and from a place of sincere understanding so please just take what you want and leave rest. But I hope a seed gets planted for you or even someone else by this post. For me, the seed was planted a while ago but it has taken me and my unhealthy thinking a long time to "sprout."
Obsession is not love. It is very selfish. If we continue to "help" our sick addicts from reaching their bottom for selfish reasons, we are only loving, no, not loving them, we are enabling them to their grave.
I allowed others to be my distraction too but I didn't realize it at the time. When I knew better, I have tried to do better!! Sadly, my definition of love became very warped over the years. I now know I can not love any one in a healthy way, until I am healthy.
To me, healthy love is allowing someone else the respect to live their life the way they want. If it is toxic for me, I need to let go with love. This is a process and I am still learning. Obviously, I still stumble a lot.
My biggest regret was I tried to teach my kids to love and respect others without emphasizing the need to love and respect themselves first and foremost. Sadly, I am still learning that myself.
I wish you well and hope to see you on the other side of the bridge someday when we are both ready.
Obsession is not love. It is very selfish. If we continue to "help" our sick addicts from reaching their bottom for selfish reasons, we are only loving, no, not loving them, we are enabling them to their grave.
I allowed others to be my distraction too but I didn't realize it at the time. When I knew better, I have tried to do better!! Sadly, my definition of love became very warped over the years. I now know I can not love any one in a healthy way, until I am healthy.
To me, healthy love is allowing someone else the respect to live their life the way they want. If it is toxic for me, I need to let go with love. This is a process and I am still learning. Obviously, I still stumble a lot.
My biggest regret was I tried to teach my kids to love and respect others without emphasizing the need to love and respect themselves first and foremost. Sadly, I am still learning that myself.
I wish you well and hope to see you on the other side of the bridge someday when we are both ready.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Over here.
Posts: 369
for the record, he is currently not abusing anything. he is on subutex which fills opiate receptors and makes it so if he takes an opiate he is instantly in withdrawal. he's taking klonopin, as prescribed, and was given that prescription by his PCP because he was abusing benzos in addition to the opiates. i am really, really hoping this talk of rehab is not just talk.
i'm thinking a time limit might work for me? like, either go to rehab or get out by blah blah blah.
lmn...you are right. they are selfish reasons, mostly. and i do see that. and i see that if i see it, it's up to me to do something. i guess i'm scared. i must be. what other excuse would i have??
i'm thinking a time limit might work for me? like, either go to rehab or get out by blah blah blah.
lmn...you are right. they are selfish reasons, mostly. and i do see that. and i see that if i see it, it's up to me to do something. i guess i'm scared. i must be. what other excuse would i have??
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Klonopin is a benzo. Its very addicting, very hard to withdraw from and often abused. Also, I know many who still use while on suboxone or subutex.
The ball in your court, the choices are yours. I wish you all the best. Sometimes, there are just no easy answers.
The ball in your court, the choices are yours. I wish you all the best. Sometimes, there are just no easy answers.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Two days ago you posted that he was tossed out of where he was living as he stole the peoples meds, they found needles and crushed pills in the room where he was crashing.
Now, you say he is not using, taking scrips as prescribed. If he is then why did he steal his friends drugs, why did he have needles. This makes no sense to me, you have found needles before, do you really believe his crap?
You are going to do what you are going to do, you can choose to live in denial or face the reality of the situation, it is your choce, your life. Best of luck to you.
Now, you say he is not using, taking scrips as prescribed. If he is then why did he steal his friends drugs, why did he have needles. This makes no sense to me, you have found needles before, do you really believe his crap?
You are going to do what you are going to do, you can choose to live in denial or face the reality of the situation, it is your choce, your life. Best of luck to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Over here.
Posts: 369
i think i have been misunderstood. he was kicked out of the place for all that and more. he has not been doing that since he came back to my house. yes, he did do it before.
i am full-on in the reality of this situation, believe me. i don't buy an ounce of his bull. he is here while he waits to get into rehab and i feel like an a-hole. i know what my issues are and i'm working on them. supposedly he has been accepted into a rehab and will be going soon?? the only reason he is even here now is because of my ridiculous guilt that has no place anywhere.
i am full-on in the reality of this situation, believe me. i don't buy an ounce of his bull. he is here while he waits to get into rehab and i feel like an a-hole. i know what my issues are and i'm working on them. supposedly he has been accepted into a rehab and will be going soon?? the only reason he is even here now is because of my ridiculous guilt that has no place anywhere.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Over here.
Posts: 369
and acc. to him, the night he was thrown out was his bottom. so he's been on good behavior since he's been back. i guess my whole thing is that too much damage has been done and i just can't deal with my own unpleasant feelings. i feel like i've pi**ed someone off when that wasn't what i was trying to do. maybe other people are better at doing this faster than i am... it's dumb, i know.
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