Blogs


Notices

I'm taking in my addicted brother and think I may be crazy

Old 01-11-2013, 07:05 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 17
I'm taking in my addicted brother and think I may be crazy

Hey everyone. First off, I'm one of those selfish contributors that only come to these forums when I have a question or need to vent. That's bad of me, but I also do not have to deal with this stuff on a regular basis. That's about to change.

We got my homeless brother into rehab last month. He worked the program well and him & his counselor were trying to find a halfway house for him. He was doing rehab in NJ, but wanted to do a sober living arrangement in FL because that's where most of our family is, including his son. That complicated things because the NJ counselor understandably didn't have any FL contacts. Him not having insurance or income didn't help either.

One option I offered was for him to come stay with me in GA so he could have more time to find a new facility. The a-hole checked himself out a day early and got high. Of course he will not admit that he got high, but I have no doubts at all. I didn't rescind my offer and he's currently on a bus. I'm nervous, I'm excited, and I'm scared. I know better than to have any expectations and I think I'm ready for the worst while hoping for the best.

I'm giving him 3 weeks and a list of rules. If he breaks any of them he will be back on the street, only in an unfamiliar city, but at least one where the weather isn't below freezing. My #1 rule, that is the most important to me and is the one that he will have the most difficult time with is: no lying. I have zero tolerance for it and it's been a way of life for him many many years.

I just wanted to share and reintroduce myself because I'll probably be here daily for inspiration and support. And hopefully I'll leave this next phase - regardless of the outcome - with more knowledge and experience that I can use to give back.
joephus is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to joephus For This Useful Post:
crazybabie (01-12-2013), Lara (01-13-2013), tjp613 (01-12-2013), Vale (01-12-2013)
Old 01-12-2013, 05:17 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
I'm no angel!
 
dollydo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Addicts lie, it is part of their disease, he will lie to you, that is a given. Is one of your bounderies that he will have to leave if he uses?

As far as being an unfamiliar city, addicts have a special ability to find drugs, anywhere, anytime, if he wants to use, he will find out where to buy them before he finds the mailbox.

I'd lock up all my valuables, he is not in recovery, he will need money to support his habit.

Take some time to read the stickeys and cynical one's blogs, they may help you to understand what you are dealing with.

I wish you the best, strap yourself in, you are in for one h#ll of a bumpy ride.
dollydo is offline  
The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to dollydo For This Useful Post:
bluebelle (01-12-2013), bookreader (01-12-2013), crazybabie (01-12-2013), Freedom1990 (01-14-2013), interrupted (01-12-2013), Lara (01-13-2013), Vale (01-12-2013), vegibean (01-12-2013)
Old 01-12-2013, 05:24 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
HopefulmomtoD's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
I think dollydo covered what I was going to say. In the meantime, maybe familiarize yourself with homeless shelters in your area, etc. IOW, have a plan for what you are going to do if he starts using again.

Best of luck and I'm sorry you are dealing with the pain of an addicted love one.
HopefulmomtoD is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to HopefulmomtoD For This Useful Post:
bluebelle (01-12-2013), crazybabie (01-12-2013), dollydo (01-12-2013), Lara (01-13-2013), Vale (01-12-2013)
Old 01-12-2013, 05:34 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
vegibean's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SE and then South some more
Posts: 2,649
As soon as I read your first rule I thought "that's out the door", all addicts lie, and they lie when they're using, and they are very good at. I've had many of them lie to me when I worked as a resident manager, I'd drug test them and they'd swear up and down that there was something wrong with the test or "I ate a poppy seed bagel". I don't what your brother's drug of choice is, but expecting him not to lie is what he's probably used to doing to get what he wants. He only spent one month in rehab and left AMA, against medical advise... The whole thing sounds like you better hide everything that's worth any dollar amount to you, hide the alcohol and wallets, and don't give him any money, just food, water, and give him a ride to job interviews, if that.

Good luck.
vegibean is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to vegibean For This Useful Post:
bluebelle (01-12-2013), crazybabie (01-12-2013), dollydo (01-12-2013), Lara (01-13-2013), Vale (01-12-2013)
Old 01-12-2013, 06:15 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
1000 Post Club
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 2,284
Oh boy. I would lock up all valuables & get a big PitBull or other aggressive dog to guard the room. The fact is that if he relapses he will need money. With no income, he will look for the easiest way. Sadly, it will be your house.
Justfor1 is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Justfor1 For This Useful Post:
crazybabie (01-12-2013), dollydo (01-12-2013), Vale (01-12-2013)
Old 01-12-2013, 07:28 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 110
He's not 24 hours out of rehab and relapsed already? I would find the number of a shelter and not even let him in your house. If your rule number one is no lying, there's no point in even starting. Do you have children? I wouldn't do this, it's not going to end well.
farfaraway is offline  
The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to farfaraway For This Useful Post:
bluebelle (01-12-2013), crazybabie (01-12-2013), dollydo (01-12-2013), HopefulmomtoD (01-12-2013), Lara (01-13-2013), laurie6781 (01-12-2013), onlyliveonce (01-12-2013), Vale (01-12-2013)
Old 01-12-2013, 07:38 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
kmangel's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
Realize right from the start that if your brother is not in some kind of recovery program, his thinking as an addict is the same as it was before he went into rehab. It takes time and hard work on the part of the addict to turn his/her thinking around.

With your brother coming to live with you, you are setting yourself up to being a warden of your home and belongings against your brother. He hasn't been in recovery long enough to be trustworthy yet--especially since he's already used right out of rehab. Since you've already agreed to let him stay with you and he's on his way right now, prepare yourself and your home. Even if he is intent to work a program, there will be ups and downs. I doubt he will take you seriously since you are his brother. When my son came home after rehab he didn't take his father and me seriously. He looked to us as his parents much as a teenager would. Your brother will see you as merely his brother, not an authority figure of any sort.

I think in a sober living environment the recovering addict would be more inclined to follow the rules because they know the facility wont put up with any of their antics to do what they want without consequence. You will be hard pressed to implement your boundaries--but you must if you don't want to enable your brother.

Good luck. You've got some interesting days ahead of you.
kmangel is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to kmangel For This Useful Post:
bluebelle (01-12-2013), crazybabie (01-12-2013), dollydo (01-12-2013), Lara (01-13-2013), Vale (01-12-2013)
Old 01-12-2013, 08:36 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
tjp613's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Blog Entries: 16
I agree with everything posted above. In addition, I'd like to make the suggestion that you see about sober living environments in your area or somewhere in Florida. Pay for the 1st month's rent, step way back and be done. Even if it costs you $1,000 you'll probably still be ahead in the long run and you won't have to play warden. Having been around the block a time or two (or twenty), I'd NEVER allow an addict in my home unless he had at least 6 months to a year of good, solid recovery under his belt.

Just my $0.02.
tjp613 is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to tjp613 For This Useful Post:
bluebelle (01-12-2013), crazybabie (01-12-2013), dollydo (01-12-2013), kmangel (01-12-2013), Lara (01-13-2013), laurie6781 (01-12-2013)
Old 01-12-2013, 09:31 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 267
I agree with what everyone else said. If he checked himself out early and got high, he is not even in early recovery, he is in active addiction.
SundaysChild is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to SundaysChild For This Useful Post:
bluebelle (01-12-2013), crazybabie (01-12-2013), dollydo (01-12-2013), laurie6781 (01-12-2013)
Old 01-12-2013, 10:40 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
crazybabie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Blog Entries: 3
I agree with what everyone has said buckle up your in for a H3ll of a ride. Expecting an addict not to lie is like expecting a person not to breathe. You said

I know better than to have any expectations and I think I'm ready for the worst while hoping for the best.
You do have expectations however you changed the word to rule.

I suggest you figure out what your boundaries are and toss the word rule.
Best of luck we will be here.

Edited to add: I also despise lies I have learned however when it comes to addiction that lies are what we will get I am the type person that would rather someone tell me the truth even if the truth hurts than have someone lie to me.
crazybabie is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to crazybabie For This Useful Post:
dollydo (01-12-2013), Lara (01-13-2013)
Old 01-12-2013, 03:40 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
jalapenolover's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Over the river and thru the woods
Posts: 69
i am sorry to hear about your brother! And no, you are not crazy but you will be if you let him in your house during active addiction. everything mentioned above will happen and it will happen fast. Trust us... we have been to the rodeo and have the scars to prove it. Good luck with whatever decision you choose.
jalapenolover is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to jalapenolover For This Useful Post:
bluebelle (01-12-2013), crazybabie (01-12-2013), dollydo (01-12-2013), Lara (01-13-2013)
Old 01-12-2013, 04:02 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
bookreader's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 111
Unfortunately, if he agrees to your rule not to lie, he is probably already breaking it. I came here many months ago, thinking that will not be my experience. I was so wrong. All of above is correct and good advice. Sorry, but this is the reality of active addiction.
take care of you.
b.
bookreader is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to bookreader For This Useful Post:
crazybabie (01-12-2013)
Old 01-14-2013, 01:12 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by dollydo View Post
Addicts lie, it is part of their disease, he will lie to you, that is a given. Is one of your bounderies that he will have to leave if he uses?
Yes, it's a hard boundary and he will be gone if he's caught lying. I told him to be VERY careful about thinking before speaking and that if there's something he doesn't want to tell me that either needs to vocalizes that wish or remain silent.

Originally Posted by dollydo View Post
As far as being an unfamiliar city, addicts have a special ability to find drugs, anywhere, anytime, if he wants to use, he will find out where to buy them before he finds the mailbox.
No doubt about that. I understand.

Originally Posted by dollydo View Post
I'd lock up all my valuables, he is not in recovery, he will need money to support his habit.
Done before he arrived.
joephus is offline  
Old 01-14-2013, 01:15 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by HopefulmomtoD View Post
I think dollydo covered what I was going to say. In the meantime, maybe familiarize yourself with homeless shelters in your area, etc. IOW, have a plan for what you are going to do if he starts using again.

Best of luck and I'm sorry you are dealing with the pain of an addicted love one.
I have. The problem is there aren't enough shelters in my city. Fortunately he got to see this first hand as we drove away from the bus station. There were literally hundreds of homeless people in a parking lot and on the streets near the station. He knows what's waiting for him if he screws this up.
joephus is offline  
Old 01-14-2013, 01:29 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 17
Thanks for all the replies. There seems to common agreement about most things and none of them are things I hadn't considered or realized. He's only here for a couple weeks; I would be crazy if it was an open-ended stay but it's not.

I want him out ASAP and we are all working on finding him a place. I don't say ASAP because of the inconvenience and risks to me, but for his own recovery. I believe I am the last family member that is willing and able to help in terms of a temporary place to stay while he finds the next place. As someone noted above, there can be a fine line between helping and enabling. I am hyperaware of this.

He won't be getting as much as .75 from anyone even for a soda. I'll buy him one, but we all know not to put cash in his hands.
joephus is offline  
Old 01-14-2013, 01:59 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by joephus View Post
He was doing rehab in NJ, but wanted to do a sober living arrangement in FL because that's where most of our family is, including his son.
He wasn't even out of rehab and was asking for sober living in Florida?

Then he gets high the day he gets out?

Self-will run riot, that's what he is, and that is what I was for many years.

I did not know what was best for me when I got out of rehab other than I could not go back home to my abusive and violent EXAH.

Thank God I listened to people who had been where I was and to the counselors in aftercare.
Freedom1990 is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Freedom1990 For This Useful Post:
bluebelle (01-14-2013), dollydo (01-14-2013), Leise (01-14-2013)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:13 PM.