Husband doing drugs and prostitutes?
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Join Date: Jan 2013
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Husband doing drugs and prostitutes?
On New Year's eve my husband went out to go get some food for us to celebrate New Year's Eve - 2 hrs later and he's still not home. I check the phone records to see who he has been calling - it was a person he has been getting pills from - and a prostitutes number as the last number dialed and he didn't come home or answer our calls and texts all night until 3:30am when of course he needed to get in the house which he never did. The reason why I know if was a prostitute was because I decided to Google the number and she was a local escort offering her services. He says she was in the car when he made the drug deal and the drug dealers phone died and they had to use her phone to contact him once they got the drugs. This is the 2nd time I found out he called a prostitute and 3 years ago he was having a emotional affair with a woman he knew when we first got married. They were texting and calling each other constantly and he wouldn't stop until I threatened divorce. He made it out to be like I had the problem and denied that it was nothing more than friends talking - (she was too far away for it to be physical) but it is still very painful - I saw a text from him saying "I really miss you - really..." so hurtful to me. Now that I told him I'm going through on a divorce he promises to me nothing happened and that he will do whatever it takes as long as I stay with him - I told him I've heard that so many times I don't believe it. I think he was sorry he got caught - or else wouldn't he have stopped doing this - drugs is bad enough - but now other woman and prostitutes. I can't help believe that he is lying with the history. 3 years ago I found out he called a prostitute back then and he joked around that him and another guy were joking and called her as a joke. We own a business together that isn't doing well but I have my name on a 26,000 loan on a truck for the business which I don't want to have my credit go bad for. So I'm stuck right now feeling very trapped and still think he is lying - how can anyone be found calling 2 prostitutes in 3 years and have both times be nothing. What do you all think? I am a christian woman and hate divorce - we've been married for 26 years in April and he has been doing drugs and have reasons to think he has been with other women before as our 1st year of marriage I found out he spent the night with my best friend in a hotel - they deny doing anything and that they were just drunk. I think I would be a fool to stay - I don't even know how I could ever get over the trust issue - he hasn't had any desire to be with me sexually and I'm not an ugly woman. Most people say I'm very pretty. I am a christian and value what God says about divorce but I'm feeling like this is enough already - for me to believe he hasn't been unfaithful sexually is probably pretty dumb of me...
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I think that I would trust my gut. Most who cheat, do it over and over again, they finally get caught and then try to lie their way out of it. Toppig that off is his drug use, IMO both are deal breakers.
Addicts lie, then they lie some more, it is part of their disease, for some, it becomes a separate addiction.
He has a disease that has no cure, he will be an addict all his life, it is just a matter of whether he is clean/sober and working a strong recovery program for life or not. Less than 10% recover for life.
Even if you own a business together, it doesn't mean that you have to keep living with him, it is your choice.
Take some time to read the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs, lots of helpful information at your fingertips. Codependency No More by Melodie Beattie
and Naranon meetings may also be something you may want to explore.
Sorry that you are facing this, keep posting, it will help.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: ireland
Posts: 23
run away!!! i've been there, and let my xabf (ex fiance) make a complete idiot out of me. we were together 4 yrs, and until very recently there were no warning signs, but he'd been sleeping with anyone he could for at least the past three years...most of them men! and alot of it was unprotected... i don't even think he's gay, i think he's just a total addict, who has no control over his compulsions no regard for other people. that said, not everyone is that twisted, i cant say what your husband is or isn't up to...but it sounds like alarm bells to me!
i would be worried about what the next revelation will be..and then the next...
maybe go stay with a friend or family member for a bit, remove yourself from it and have a think about it, and if you can talk to anyone close to you maybe try that too? let him stew in it and see whaat he does. keep reading and posting here, you can talk about anything, it does help. take care of youself xox
i would be worried about what the next revelation will be..and then the next...
maybe go stay with a friend or family member for a bit, remove yourself from it and have a think about it, and if you can talk to anyone close to you maybe try that too? let him stew in it and see whaat he does. keep reading and posting here, you can talk about anything, it does help. take care of youself xox
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Agree with Amityville:
"i would be worried about what the next revelation will be..and then the next... "
There is always more "bad news". You might want to be tested for STDs if he sleeping with a hooker, anything is possible and probable, especially, when drugs are involved.
"i would be worried about what the next revelation will be..and then the next... "
There is always more "bad news". You might want to be tested for STDs if he sleeping with a hooker, anything is possible and probable, especially, when drugs are involved.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I understand your feelings about marriage but I also have to believe that the God that I believe in would not expect or want you to stay in this situation.
There comes a time where you just don't want to be in a toxic situation any longer. It sounds like you've tried really hard for a really long time. Sometimes we endure things because we just get so worn down.
The best advice that I received was to get legal and financial advice so I would know what I needed to do.
Hang int there....I'm really glad that you have found us and I hope that you will stick around. You deserve better than this!
There comes a time where you just don't want to be in a toxic situation any longer. It sounds like you've tried really hard for a really long time. Sometimes we endure things because we just get so worn down.
The best advice that I received was to get legal and financial advice so I would know what I needed to do.
Hang int there....I'm really glad that you have found us and I hope that you will stick around. You deserve better than this!
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 10
I have 3 children - 2 girls - 23 and 21 (one that is still at home) and my son 15 who lives with us. He won't leave and I have no where else to go and don't have the money to go anywhere else - I told him that if I go through with the divorce he will have to find another place to go and that we might have to sell the house because I can't afford to live in the house with just my income - he said he would help in paying the mortgage - I told him that would last about as long as until he gets a girlfriend and she doesn't like it. There are many choices to make financially with what to do with the house, living arrangements, the business, etc that it is overwhelming , not to mention just dealing with the betrayal and emotional pain - thanks for listening to me and your advice and encouragement!
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Welcome to SR. I am so sorry for your pain. I too am a married Christian woman whose husband became addicted to pain pills. We had a successful business together for many years until his addiction progressed and I was oblivious, then in denial and then very fearful.
Last April I started seeing a Christian therapist and have been working on me. I recently took a class called Untangling Relationships - A Christian perspective on Codependency. It was so helpful. I would highly recommend it to anyone.
What I know now is that - yes God hates divorce however no matter what I decide to do about my marriage, God will still love me unconditionally. I can not use my faith to avoid me fear.
I hope you keep posting and reading. It has been very helpful to me and many others.
Last April I started seeing a Christian therapist and have been working on me. I recently took a class called Untangling Relationships - A Christian perspective on Codependency. It was so helpful. I would highly recommend it to anyone.
What I know now is that - yes God hates divorce however no matter what I decide to do about my marriage, God will still love me unconditionally. I can not use my faith to avoid me fear.
I hope you keep posting and reading. It has been very helpful to me and many others.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 10
I saw a christian therapist for 2 yrs who told me I should probably separate and that was before this whole prostitute thing. I also read Codependent No More which is a great book. I don't allow enabing anymore which has caused my husband to be much more sneaky- but I am no dummy! I can sense when something isn't right - and sometimes I want to shut off my senses and deny them - but I truly think it is the holy spirit telling me - I just need to listen. Life can be so unfair - I have dealt with so much betrayal - also from a couple friends this year and I did absolutely nothing- I am so dumbfounded at what has happened to me that I feel I just need to start over my life on a whole new footing. I'm in a church right now that isn't very supportive (hence the friends I thought were friends in my church). I guess your going to find that many places but I never thought I would be dealing with that too. So devestating - I feel like I've lost everything important to me - thank God I have my children and I know the Lord hasn't forsaken me - but it sure feels lonely!
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by ggsings4him 
I saw a christian therapist for 2 yrs who told me I should probably separate and that was before this whole prostitute thing. I also read Codependent No More which is a great book. I don't allow enabing anymore which has caused my husband to be much more sneaky- but I am no dummy! I can sense when something isn't right - and sometimes I want to shut off my senses and deny them - but I truly think it is the holy spirit telling me - I just need to listen. Life can be so unfair - I have dealt with so much betrayal - also from a couple friends this year and I did absolutely nothing- I am so dumbfounded at what has happened to me that I feel I just need to start over my life on a whole new footing. I'm in a church right now that isn't very supportive (hence the friends I thought were friends in my church). I guess your going to find that many places but I never thought I would be dealing with that too. So devestating - I feel like I've lost everything important to me - thank God I have my children and I know the Lord hasn't forsaken me - but it sure feels lonely!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Most Attorneys offer free consultations, you can find out what your rights are and his paying part or all of the house payment can be court ordered. You still have a minor child living in the home, that will also have an impact on your husbands responsibility. I wouldn't assume anything, I would see the attorney before I what if'd.
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Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
I know that it feels lonely because I have been in similar shoes. I felt very very trapped and unable to figure out the financial aspects of it all.
You know what finally helped me? I found a prayer partner at work and daily we asked for God's guidance and trusted him (her) to show me the way. Knowing that there would be a way.
I would never have predicted the circumstances that occurred that finally allowed me to leave. I truly felt God's hand in it. I did my part of it - I had contacted a lawyer and had a plan. But God helped me to execute it and get me through.
You are not alone. You were led to this site weren't you? We are not there in person but we are certainly "there" none the less. We also understand. This stuff hurts - no one will try and tell you differently. But....we will also tell you that there are solutions although you just might not know them yet.
It took me 5 years to finally get the courage to leave. And you know what....you do what you can when you can.
I'm not sure that God hates divorce...I think that God hates when people do not honor their promises to love and to cherish their mate.....I think that it is a blessing to be able to leave certain circumstances. And no one says that you have to divorce. I am separated due to insurance reasons (my ex needs health insurance and he is uninsurable). You don't necessarily have to divorce even if you chose to live your life separately. We each have our own path to walk and we can honor our beliefs and faiths in ways that don't also mean that we are mistreated.
You know what finally helped me? I found a prayer partner at work and daily we asked for God's guidance and trusted him (her) to show me the way. Knowing that there would be a way.
I would never have predicted the circumstances that occurred that finally allowed me to leave. I truly felt God's hand in it. I did my part of it - I had contacted a lawyer and had a plan. But God helped me to execute it and get me through.
You are not alone. You were led to this site weren't you? We are not there in person but we are certainly "there" none the less. We also understand. This stuff hurts - no one will try and tell you differently. But....we will also tell you that there are solutions although you just might not know them yet.
It took me 5 years to finally get the courage to leave. And you know what....you do what you can when you can.
I'm not sure that God hates divorce...I think that God hates when people do not honor their promises to love and to cherish their mate.....I think that it is a blessing to be able to leave certain circumstances. And no one says that you have to divorce. I am separated due to insurance reasons (my ex needs health insurance and he is uninsurable). You don't necessarily have to divorce even if you chose to live your life separately. We each have our own path to walk and we can honor our beliefs and faiths in ways that don't also mean that we are mistreated.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 81
On Christian divorce, how I see it is sometimes divorce is God's mercy for the party that has been abused or abandoned, or the marriage bond has been defiled by infidelity without repentance. "Because of the hardness of your hearts Moses permitted divorce" the hardness of the mens hearts who were mistreating their wives and also committing adultery. Of course God's ideal is that marriage last forever but as fallen sinners, God had to make a provision out of compassion. A bit like how God's original plan was that the church would be one body, but of course in reality the ideal can't be met. I think we will always have divided churches/denominations until the Lord's return (including division over divorce and remarriage)
Of course, such a decision should be made very prayerfully, you don't know what God's plan is and if there is redemption around the corner, only He can speak to your heart on that. But if you feel strongly that to leave is the path you inevitably have to take, I believe God would not hold this against you. Adultery has always been grounds for divorce, and abandonment which an addiction may be seen as a form of abandonment.
Hugs to you. Stay strong and keep good friends around you.
Of course, such a decision should be made very prayerfully, you don't know what God's plan is and if there is redemption around the corner, only He can speak to your heart on that. But if you feel strongly that to leave is the path you inevitably have to take, I believe God would not hold this against you. Adultery has always been grounds for divorce, and abandonment which an addiction may be seen as a form of abandonment.
Hugs to you. Stay strong and keep good friends around you.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
ggsings4him: Welcome to SR. I hope you find the courage to confront your situation.
I too am Christian. I will be praying for you that you will see God's will for marriage - that there is no room in a marriage for prostitutes and active drug/alcohol use.
Sojourner
I too am Christian. I will be praying for you that you will see God's will for marriage - that there is no room in a marriage for prostitutes and active drug/alcohol use.
Sojourner
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
GG - The two biblical grounds for divorce are adultery and desertion.
Desertion has a broad term in my mind - I don't think it solely mean physical desertion but rather ANY desertion include emotional desertion.
I am sorry to hear you don't feel you are getting the support from your church. That happens all too often I am afraid - its why I don't attend one. Raised in it - found too many hypocrites attending. Don't go and have a fine relationship with God. While I know some good people that attend church some of the finest people I know don't, and are more Christian than their counterparts.
Sorry this is happening to you and I hope you will seek a happier life.
Desertion has a broad term in my mind - I don't think it solely mean physical desertion but rather ANY desertion include emotional desertion.
I am sorry to hear you don't feel you are getting the support from your church. That happens all too often I am afraid - its why I don't attend one. Raised in it - found too many hypocrites attending. Don't go and have a fine relationship with God. While I know some good people that attend church some of the finest people I know don't, and are more Christian than their counterparts.
Sorry this is happening to you and I hope you will seek a happier life.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
ggsings4him...
If your husband's lips are moving, he's lying. It's that simple.
As far as your church not being supportive, bypass church and go directly to God. Ask for strength and clarity, and when the pain gets to much, as Him to help you shoulder it...
ZoSo
If your husband's lips are moving, he's lying. It's that simple.
As far as your church not being supportive, bypass church and go directly to God. Ask for strength and clarity, and when the pain gets to much, as Him to help you shoulder it...
ZoSo
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR.....although I'm so very sorry you've had to look for support on this issue. You're enduring some pretty painful stuff.....and the God of my understanding wouldn't want anyone to endure that degree of unhappiness.
Divorce is not a punishment or judgement.....it is a consequence of drug use and infidelity.
When a marriage is broken, it takes two people to make repair it......or one person to make it better for themselves. 30 years ago I tried to get my XAH to work with me to fix our marriage but he didn't even think we had a problem. I divorced him and God still loves me.
I'm not suggesting that you get a divorce. That is entirely up to you. I stayed with my XAH until the fear and pain of staying with him was greater than the fear and pain of leaving him. That's just the way it works.
We'll walk with you.
gentle hugs
ke
Divorce is not a punishment or judgement.....it is a consequence of drug use and infidelity.
When a marriage is broken, it takes two people to make repair it......or one person to make it better for themselves. 30 years ago I tried to get my XAH to work with me to fix our marriage but he didn't even think we had a problem. I divorced him and God still loves me.
I'm not suggesting that you get a divorce. That is entirely up to you. I stayed with my XAH until the fear and pain of staying with him was greater than the fear and pain of leaving him. That's just the way it works.
We'll walk with you.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: SouthEast
Posts: 159
Mine was very similar to your situation. My EXAH would meet someone - stripper, hitcher - and move in with them - 3 months later (if that long) he was sorry, loved me so very much, let's start over. I thought he was the love of my life and the fact that he could hurt me so much was painful.
At least two were brought into our home while I was away. I received phone calls saying he wanted to marry them but I refused to give him a divorce. I promptly let them know that our state was a 'no fault' state and he could get a divorce any time he wanted too.
Church was a problem also, when I counsulted a minister I was told that I should try to work on my marriage. His family was against me divorcing and drove from another state, unannounced, to try and talk me out of committing this sin.
He left me for another woman when I was about 4 months pregnant. Her goal in life was to be a PlayBoy centerfold. His friends covered for him so much! He never did want a divorce, why should he, he honestly thought I would never leave him. WRONG!!
I had to keep putting him in jail to stop the harrassment - and he was living with another woman. After the divorce I paid for he lost contact with his children, they are adults now and he has had no contact for about 20 years. I was told his last divorce was over his crack cocaine use.
There is only so much abuse anyone can take. His women and drug use cost us everything, our home and his job, yet he still continued to use our savings for drugs and partying. I was left to raise two small children on a clerical salary. I stayed too long - I should have opened my eyes and planned to leave years before I did.
No one can tell you what to do - when you have had enough you will leave. I am another that is very spiritual, I meditate, pray, and talk to God through out the day, but I have stopped going to church.
Having a partner cheat made me doubt myself, why was I not enough, I was a young attractive woman?? He was also extremely jealous and abusive. Start slow and make plans, you deserve better than you are getting. It hurts and we do understand.
(((huggs and blessings for us all)))
At least two were brought into our home while I was away. I received phone calls saying he wanted to marry them but I refused to give him a divorce. I promptly let them know that our state was a 'no fault' state and he could get a divorce any time he wanted too.
Church was a problem also, when I counsulted a minister I was told that I should try to work on my marriage. His family was against me divorcing and drove from another state, unannounced, to try and talk me out of committing this sin.
He left me for another woman when I was about 4 months pregnant. Her goal in life was to be a PlayBoy centerfold. His friends covered for him so much! He never did want a divorce, why should he, he honestly thought I would never leave him. WRONG!!
I had to keep putting him in jail to stop the harrassment - and he was living with another woman. After the divorce I paid for he lost contact with his children, they are adults now and he has had no contact for about 20 years. I was told his last divorce was over his crack cocaine use.
There is only so much abuse anyone can take. His women and drug use cost us everything, our home and his job, yet he still continued to use our savings for drugs and partying. I was left to raise two small children on a clerical salary. I stayed too long - I should have opened my eyes and planned to leave years before I did.
No one can tell you what to do - when you have had enough you will leave. I am another that is very spiritual, I meditate, pray, and talk to God through out the day, but I have stopped going to church.
Having a partner cheat made me doubt myself, why was I not enough, I was a young attractive woman?? He was also extremely jealous and abusive. Start slow and make plans, you deserve better than you are getting. It hurts and we do understand.
(((huggs and blessings for us all)))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 10
I see I have found some very nice and supportive friends here - thank you all so much! I really need support and encouragement right now. I tried going to an al-anon meeting last night but my AH was going to the same meeting for the AA part (even though his issue is drugs). So I decided not to go and found this board instead. He is only going to try to somehow prove to me he is serious about recovery - and again, I've been down that road - he is all gung ho to be on board with recovery until I am once again in his good graces just to repeat the pattern all over again. I am so done with those games - it is wasting years of my life playing them!
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