Vale

Lara,

Your SR friends understand.We've been there.

I went no contact....just did it.
(and spent a year on SR recovering)

This was not a spouse,a lover,or even (really) a friend.
Just a long time aquaintance who asked for help as her life
careened into hell.

It was HARD,DAMNED HARD.Anyone who would imply it
is easy doesn't know what the hell they are talking about.

What if she was my wife,my lover,or my child? Would
I have been strong enough to just go NO CONTACT?

I honestly do not know.

And anyone who tells you with certainty that THEY
would be.....

.........is full of crap.

I'll tell you who I am in awe of.The people of SR that are
going through this with a PRIMARY relationship.....and coming here
with their hard-gained wisdom,empathy....and yes,even humor.

What have I lost? My smug attitudes towards addicts,their
families----and my 'pat' answers to their plight.....and I pray that
those subjected to my sneers,my disdain,and my arrogance before
I was exposed to this evil........will forgive me my ignorance.

Maybe God just thought it was time to beat a little painful
humility into me!

Lara

Thank you Vale as always for your words of encouragement!!! Still sitting with day 1 no contact...... aaaaaargh!!!!!!!!!! Just seen him pass by on the road.... I am sitting here in one of the most beautiful places on earth - Zanzibar. I am so aware of how privileged I am. Trying to focus on the NOW - but so damn difficult. Just want to pick up the phone - call him....

anond

Resist the urge!!

Visualize an alcoholic with a drink in front of him. He/she WANTS that drink, but if he picks it up he is done. He doesn't have to pick it up. He can do something different. Call a sponsor. Go for a walk. Leave the room, so the temptation is less.

No contact is OUR distance from that drink!! Our drink is our A!!

You don't have to be strong to do this. Recognize you are weak (and powerless) and let your HP take over. Step 1 and Step 2 can help you get through this.

dollydo

Sounds like a plan!

Jody675

know the feeling of no contact...just broke up with my bf yesterday and the urge to call and want to make it better is so strong. we were suppose to be going to an overseas trip in less that 2 weeks. im going anyway, but going to be a tough one. one day at a time as LMN said. letting someone go and do what they need to do is a really tough lesson. but one i am by golly going to learn today!

Lara

Isn't it funny how we have such an urge to 'make it better'. It is so so so difficult. I am only on day 2 and battling!!!!! Well done for going on the trip anyway! It will either be a hugely positive experience for you or a lonely, depressed experience. Now this is certainly not the 'pot calling the kettle black' - but do you best to live in the NOW. Enjoy every momemt of your trip. Try not to dwell on the past or the future filled with all the 'only if's'. Keep going - one day at a time!!

Lara

It's 5am in the morning in Zanzibar. Day 2 of no contact. We leave this morning (my son and I) to return to South Africa after over a month in ZNZ. The urge to go over to H's house and say goodbye is completely overwhelming.... I know if I do what will happen. I can with almost 100% accuracey gauge the outcome if I do. H will make it 'all okay'. He will say everything I want to hear. I will know everything he says is probably all lies and broken promises. But I will listen anyway and assure him that I 'hear him'. He will tell me how sorry he is - and I will say 'don't worry it will be okay'. Then we will declare our undying love for each other.... I will leave feeling better again. And then in a few hours time the familiar 'butterfly feeling' in my stomach will return. I will be filled with a sense of 'unease'.... and the cycle will begin again. So this morning - instead of getting my fill of lies - I will get my fill of truth. I will watch the sunrise - sit quietly and say a prayer - thank God for my family, for SR and most of all for my beautiful little boy. I will get on that plane - I will share the joy of a travelling with a child who is innocent and full of the joys and truth of life. God bless you all on SR.

Sunshine2

Lara, what does the life look like that you want? If you ignore all longings you have right now?

I am sure your first prize would be an addiction-free life with H, but that is not going to happen, it seems.
Do you want a happy life with a future where each day can be joyful and free?
Or do you want a life where you are sharing the prison of addiction with H?
Your choice this morning will take you a step in one direction.

Lara

Hi Sunshine... just one step at a time... today I choose a life not sharing the prison of addiction. My back is to H and I am getting on the plane in 30 minutes. For the first time EVER I have not said goodbye to H. The first time in probably 15 years..... Here goes!

Vale

>>>>>>>For the first time EVER I have not said goodbye to H. The first time in probably 15 years..... Here goes!<<<<<<<

That is HARD.
You are to be commended.

Lara

Going onto day 5 no contact.

All the mixed emotions as everyone has warned me of. Frustration, anxiety, urge to call, disbelief that he hasn't called me; is HE stronger than me??; the need to send a text message telling him all will be okay...
Oh boy here we go!

mstrust

you can do it, lara... hang in there!

Vale

Lara,
The person who used to pull my strings....... "You are the only
one who has BEEN there for me!!!!"......is in some very deep sh**
right now.I am sure when she has the ability to communicate again,
Good 'ole "sugar Vale" will be high on her list of people to contact.
I do care what happens to her.I wish her the very best of luck
reconstructing the life that she so cavalierly (and with thermonuclear
efficiency)......annihilated.

But it's not my problem.

Nothing personal,but I WILL not allow myself to be
used/disrespected by her ever again..... (like all addicts use ALL enablers).

Silence is a choice....not merely an absence of information.

Lara,you are strong.If you relapse,you will learn from that event and become
even STRONGER.

But I have read your (talented) writings.......

........I think you (like me) .....have had enough.

EnglishGarden

This is the textbook reaction, Lara, to no-contact. So many here can testify to it. We take the groundbreaking action of breaking a toxic pattern with the addict, then after a few days, we ask "What did I do? What have I done?" And we want him back, under any circumstances. We want to write to him and tell him how much we love him and how important and beautiful he is. We start watching our phone, our mail, hoping he will be in such agony that he will violate the no-contact boundary and call us full of misery and begging us not to go away forever. The minutes and hours of our days become thick with obsessive thoughts about him. And we just CAN'T BELIEVE he hasn't called even though we told him not to.

This is the script, Lara.

You can go one of two ways: you can write the letter you want to write and prove to him he can't believe a word you ever say about what your intentions and boundaries are. Inflating his addict ego to even greater proportions. (Don't let his false humility fool you).

Or you can continue to break that toxic pattern of dependency and control.

We know how painful this is. But in recovery it is suggested again and again and again: take the long view.

Do not be like the addict. Let go instant gratification. Get out of the way of your Higher Power and your addict's recovery and his Higher Power. Do what you are doing: concentrate on your own therapy and being a present mother to your small son. For 85 more days.

Vale

........what EnglishGarden said.........it's a game being played on you.

GET a little mad......it helps.

Imagine the other person thinking:

"This is a test of wills.I am stronger than you.When you break I WILL OWN YOU."

(don't be owned.life as chattel SUCKS!)

Lara

Thank YOU Vale!!!....mmmmm 'talented' writings? I do my best. Just re-read 'The Power of Now' - Ekhart Tolle. Really helps!

Lara

EnglishGarden as always you have a way of writing, like an artist, you wield your craft like a sword, slashing away the 'sugar coated' bullsh*t (excuse my language) and hit the nail right on the proverbial head. I have read and re-read so many replies over the months... but isn't it funny that we obviously all have that 'archilles tendon' that 'weak spot' - or perhaps not the weak spot but the strong spot - our truth. And for me your words 'can't believe a word you ever say' - hit me with such magnitude - that I am filled with a strength I have not felt in many, many months. Thank you. For seeing me reflected in the mirror of addiction - possibly too a 'liar' - fills me with shock and is not a comfortable reflection at all. For one thing I don't want to be is a 'liar'. For integrity (to me) is the most honourable of traits - Whew!!!

Lara

Vale your writings are serious and your advice, wisdom always spot on and brilliant! But you do make me laugh too - which is a good thing!!!!!!

Lara

Day 7 no contact. But aaaaargh - caught myself obsessing over pieces of writings, literature, poetry - that I could put together for H and send to him when he returns to rehab. How ridiculous of me! So there it is - WHAM BAM - lying BLATANTLY to myself. Here I am patting myself on the back as reached the 'milestone' of 6 days ( I mean really???) and already planning on what I am going to do / say after 3 months...

Jody675

LMN just told me that i am living in the fantasy of what i want the relationship to be and basically acting in regards to that, and not acting on what the relationship is currently.