supportforme

My exAH has relapsed again and finally lost his job. He has given our boys empty promises in the past and continues to cause more chaos even with his limited supervised visitation. I was still trying to manage his relationship with the boys. For example, if he didn't call, I would call him to remind him he was a father and should call his kids because my sons would get sad if he didn't call them. I realized that I was doing more harm than good by trying to control something that I have no control over. I've decided that I will allow myself the sanity to not manage his relationship with the boys and my boys the respect to see their father's addiction for what it is. With that I also made the decision that it is in our best interest to sell our house and buy a smaller house that I can easily afford. I will be putting the house up for sale soon because it is like a noose around my neck. I attempted to talk to my teenage son today about us beginning to decide what's important for us so that we can all decide on the best new house. He freaked out and accused me of giving him nightmares because he doesn't want to leave his house. He went on to say that dad has the addiction but I'm the one that keeps making decisions to destroy his life. Both boys are in therapy and are getting help. I'm in therapy and my therapist suggested that I approach him and let him know that I'm seeking his input but ultimately I'm making the decisions for this family. Do any of you have any advice on how to talk to my children about moving ahead. Their dad has not been here since May and I have held onto this house to minimize their emotional pain but now I need to start making the decisions for us to begin a new life.

lightseeker

Hi....I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. I ended my marriage in May, 2011 and at the time my boys were 16 and 17. I also had to downsize and it caused a lot of turmoil with them. The only advice that I know to give is to do what you have to do financially to keep your head above water.

I was clear in my own mind about what needed to be done and I truly felt that I had no alternative. My boys had been in that home for 10 years and it had all the bells and whistles. Plus, it was in a neighborhood where all of their friends lived. The news that I was selling the house did not go over well at all. Really....all that you can do is ride it out.

I moved into my new home 9 months ago. The boys have now adjusted and rarely say anything about it. I was able to buy my new home out right...it's a whole lot smaller but the financial peace of mind has gone a long way in helping me to heal from all that I had gone through. I really believe that the healthier that I am the healthier they will eventually become.

My oldest acted out very badly from all that we went through. He loves smoking pot and he used "what I put him through" as an excuse for what he was doing. I have calmly and clearly stated that his using is on him not me. It's an excuse that doesn't hold any water. I am glad that I did not allow him to make me feel guilty about that. I feel guilty enough about having lived with my husband as long as I did!

I think that you are doing the right thing. Hang in there - I bet it will all turn out well. I love having a home that does not have any memories with my ex husband associated with it.

LoveMeNow

Hi Supportforme - Sounds like you are doing what's in the best interest for you and the boys. Your son will come to accept that. IMO, kids often lash at the safest and, unconditionally loving parent. I know it hurts but it's good that he can express himself to you. He is scared, his father turned his world upside down and this is making it even more real for him. Validate his feelings and just keep letting you know how much you love him. Thankfully, he has a therapist he can talk to.

You are a great mother. Don't have any self doubt.

Jody675

yeah i had to sell our house too. my kids were younger so i didn't give them the decision, but i did sit them down and tell them. my house sold within a week, so i had to make decisions on the fly, and bought a house the next day. i was lucky, and the kids and i love our new house. we have been in it for 5 years now, and life has become financially a lot easier. i basically explained to the kids, that i had to sell our home, so we can afford to do fun stuff together as a family, or we would end up with a cranky and broke mum who could barely afford to eat. so because i wanted to do fun stuff with them like camping trips, and overseas holidays, and have nice things i explained that i was choosing to sell so our life can be a lot more fun and easier.

i picked out our new house and the kids picked out their rooms. it was good. we picked colours for the walls in the rooms, and where the furniture went. your son will come around. just remember he is still grieving the loss of his father, and his family, and you will be the one wearing his outbursts. but you sound like a strong mum, and know that it isnt personal, just part of his grieving process. have you thought about getting him into a good discipline type of sport, like boxing or martial arts? that brings out the man in him, but in a respectful, controlled way? and allows an avenue for his anger. just a thought.

EnglishGarden

Jody, such a great post, and I hope your encouragement can help Supportfor me.

Supportforme, wishing you all the very best as you make changes. Your sons are very lucky to have a mother getting healthy. We mothers can carry guilt for a long time over things we could not control (I sure did and still do some days) and we wish we could have given our children more perfect childhoods.

What I have discovered as the years have gone by and I've seen many people raise children is that even in households where there is no addiction and the parents are healthy enough not to be train wrecks, even then, their teenagers had hard times of one sort or another. Adolescence is fraught with emotions! It is a live wire of a time! So try to be easy on yourself as you make choices and know that no matter what, you are a responsible parent trying to make the best choices you can. Your sons will do best with loving structure, and as Jody said, the new home can open the way for some extras. You know what they say, that it's best when we own the house and not the house owning us!

Anaya

supportforme: Thanks for sharing. You're very strong and have the best intentions for your kids and you; IMO, you are on a good path.

Perhaps the reaction of your son is displaced and you're bearing the brunt of his anger.

Sometimes it's tough to be the adult in the relationship, but it sounds like you are doing a great job. I think your example (staying strong, providing a stable environment, moving on with life) speaks volumes and, in time, your kids may realize that.

I'm sorry for your pain and wish you continued strength to get through.

Anaya

So true. Well said, EnglishGarden.

dollydo

Good insight above me! Teenagers act out, you are doing the right thing for you and them. He will get over it.

supportforme

Thank you so much for all your support and guidance. I know after reading all your experiences and researching that we will all benefit in the long run; it's just the minefield of emotions that I continue to struggle with. I struggle with the balance of what is normal teenage chaos and what is a consequence of his dad's addiction. Thanks for keeping me on track. This was a decision that was hard for me so I can understand their fears and emotions. I'm the parent and I know what decision I need to make for the 3 of us to survive. I need to get off my pity pot and stay focused on making smart choices. Thanks again for the support. You are all my saving grace.

laurie6781

I think you are doing great in deciding to find a 'smaller' house.

Your teen is 'acting out' as teenagers are prone to do. Is there any chance
there are some 'smaller' houses on the market in the same school district(s)
your children are in now. It will be less stressful on them if they are still
going to be in the same school(s). Also, once the 'For Sale' sign goes up
on the front lawn, maybe ask the children to join in the 'house search' and
when they see you are looking in the 'same area' I believe it will calm them
a bit, also they will feel like they are having a 'say' in finding the new home.

I know that worked very well for 2 of my cousins, and although their teen-
agers remained a 'handful' for a time, they both could see how even though
the kids didn't want to show it, they were very happy in being able to have
some say in the houses she was looking at, and both eventually were quite
content to 'decorate' their 'new rooms' the way they wanted, lol

Will continue to send healing thoughts and prayers for you and your family.

Love and hugs,

supportforme

Thanks for the good advice and sharing. I actually contacted their school today and plan on keeping them in their schools to minimize their pain. I also stopped him from coming today when he called to say he wanted to talk to the kids about the house being sold. His email was all about how hard he is trying and wants to talk to the kids to "help them with the pain of their mom selling the house and how he is sorry that he caused their mom so much pain that she has to get a divorce and sell the house". He quacked on to say he doesn't hate me for him loosing his job b/c of me" - REALLY!!! I'm still shocked that I did not engage. I told him if he wants to have any discussions with the kids he can call their therapist. So sad-- his mother also called me out of the blue today to apologize and tell me how sorry she is that I lived with this for so long. He is actually living with his mom (41 year old grown man) - I guess she is finally feeling the effects of this cunning disease. She is beginning to lock her meds and $ up and is afraid to leave her pets home with him. She also said now she realizes why I did what I did to protect me and kids. I graciously and lovingly suggested that she get herself help so she doesn't become as sick as the addict. So sad.. Thanks again. With the help of this family here, I was able to stop the addict from causing more chaos today.

LoveMeNow

wow supportforme. I am so glad you had the authority and strength to stop his visit. Good job at protecting your boys. Someday, like his mother, they will really appreciate all that you did to prtoect them. Hang in there!!

Keeping you all in my prayers.

lol @ he quacked on to say!! Glad to see you keep your sense of humor or all this would make us crazy/crazier!! lol

supportforme

LOL - I was posting to your thread at the same time - great minds think alike It was crazy - first text , then he emailed, then he called- CRAZY CALLING!!!!

Maylie

When I was 14 I acted out and displaced my anger and directed it towards my mom. Although my dad wasn't an addict (he died suddenly from a blood clot), I choose to direct all my anxiety, pain, grief, and anger at my mom because she was the one that was there. She made choices that she thought were best for the family and I fought her every step of the way until I was prob. 17.

Today, at 22, I can appreciate everything my mom did for us back then to keep us okay. I look back and I am so thankful that she did what she thought was right, despite all my acting out. If I had gotten my way I would have never gone to counseling (which I desperately needed) or attended any family events (because I didn't want to accept my dad was dead). I can't imagine where I would be if I didn't have all those family holiday memories or if I never went to counseling.

No matter how your boys react, you are doing what is right for the family, and they too will look back and realize you did what was best.

supportforme

Maylie - thank you so much for posting this. I can't tell you how much it means to me. You sound like a very intelligent and mature young woman. Thank you so much.

ggsings4him

Sounds like you're doing the right thing - although I realize it probably is killing you inside. I haven't even filed for divorce yet and am only talking about it at this point and telling my son what we might have to do down the road and he is angry with me for it. He acted out towards me last night and I had to firmly tell him that I understand things are not pleasant in our house right now with all that is going on but that him acting that way doesn't help the situation and that I will not let him be manipulative in his actions towards me to change anything I feel I need to do. He obviously doesn't want to see us divorced but he is only 15 and doesn't realize the years I've gone through with his Dad and older sisters. I also think he is picking up some of the anger he so often sees his Dad express.

Keep your chin up, I pray for both of us and God's strength and wisdom and peace for ourselves and our kids through everything facing us. Be strong! I will give you advice that I keep trying to tell myself (as long as I can get my heart out of the way long enough) is that do what you know is the best for you and your kids- even though they are angry and hurt and have to go through changes they don't want to - that in the long run when you've given it all you've go and things don't change, as in my situation, then you really have to do what you feel is best. Hang in there! :ghug3

supportforme

Tonight my 7 year old asked me if we had to move b/c his brother told him that we would. I told him the truth. At 1st my precious little baby was crying and carrying on about how much he hates me. I shut the TV off, sat down on the floor and said we need to talk. The teen started with his little jibes and I told him I get your scared, sad, mad and probably 10 other feelings but if you can't stop throwing out comments that are just your pain and anger talking you can leave the room so that I can talk through this very important thing with your little brother. He stayed. I realized that my little guy thought he was selling his personal items (blanky, bed, etc.) My older son stepped right up and started explaining the real deal and I let him. After 15 minutes, they were both giggling and telling me that I would be sharing a new room with the dog. There was truly a HP helping me out tonight and I realized that with patience and honesty, I can help them see this as a positive new beginning. I never mentioned their dad or his addiction at all. I kept the tone about change, our fears of change and excitement for new adventures. Just wanted to let you all know that we are slowly getting through and I'm glad I got a free pass tonight

LoveMeNow

I am glad to see your night ended so well after the rough start. Sounds like you handled like the awesome mother you are.