I don't want to lose the one I love.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 2
I don't want to lose the one I love.
He's addicted to heroin and he has been in rehab since September. It's a year long program. I just recently got a letter from him telling me that he's thinking about leaving the program early.
What can I do to convince him to stay and get the help he needs?
What can I do to convince him to stay and get the help he needs?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 120
Letting go and let God is something you can and have to do! In my experience this is really a challenge. Fear can steer us right into a "fog" and create so many other distractions and confusions in our minds and hearts! We are powerless over people, places and things! What we can do is pray as mentioned above and let it begin with us! Keep the focus on you! Get to as many meetings as you can get to! What ever is going to happen is going to happen with or with out us saying or doing a million things to stop it or make something happen!
I know its scary and hard to live and let live espically if we think someone may make a choice for them that is not a good choice! But we have to trust God to take care of them just like he takes care of us! Take a deep breath and keep taking care of you and let God and him figure out his journey! Now you have to figure out yours!
Worrying and fretting is a distraction to your health, mental, spiritual and emotional! Turn it over and do what you need to for you! He said he "might" and if he does then what? We can't perdict outcomes or know what tomorrow will bring if we even are blessed to have a tomorrow. Stay in the moment, feel what your feeling and let it go! Pray for you too sweetie! Serenity prayer is a great way I got through many scary, fearful nights! I said it over and over! Helped me! Love and prayers!
I know its scary and hard to live and let live espically if we think someone may make a choice for them that is not a good choice! But we have to trust God to take care of them just like he takes care of us! Take a deep breath and keep taking care of you and let God and him figure out his journey! Now you have to figure out yours!
Worrying and fretting is a distraction to your health, mental, spiritual and emotional! Turn it over and do what you need to for you! He said he "might" and if he does then what? We can't perdict outcomes or know what tomorrow will bring if we even are blessed to have a tomorrow. Stay in the moment, feel what your feeling and let it go! Pray for you too sweetie! Serenity prayer is a great way I got through many scary, fearful nights! I said it over and over! Helped me! Love and prayers!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 186
The choice to say is theirs. You can not stop them from leaving. You can only be a positive support system for them when they are walking a positive path in recovery.
Hopefully it was just depression or being scared that made them write that... and they have worked through it and decided to say.
Sometimes the addict will write that way to see how their loved ones will react. To see if they have placea or people to go to if they do leave early.
The best thing you can do is take care.of yourself and figure out what you will do if they leave early.
My AO left for a long term program less than week ago. I know that if he leaves early he will not return to me. I will love him... but will have to ddo it from afar.
Carrie
The Belle Of The Ball
Hopefully it was just depression or being scared that made them write that... and they have worked through it and decided to say.
Sometimes the addict will write that way to see how their loved ones will react. To see if they have placea or people to go to if they do leave early.
The best thing you can do is take care.of yourself and figure out what you will do if they leave early.
My AO left for a long term program less than week ago. I know that if he leaves early he will not return to me. I will love him... but will have to ddo it from afar.
Carrie
The Belle Of The Ball
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I'm going to take a different tact on this......
It may have been a test. Addicts tend to do that. He may have been testing you to see how you would react. If he thinks he can walk out of there and come live with you, there's no real reason to stay....is there?
My son is currently in a long term rehab. Leaving and coming here is NOT an option. If he throws out a bait line, my boundary will be stated clearly. I'll say what I mean (you can't come here), mean what I say (that is not negotiable), and I won't say it mean (I'll remove all emotion from my statement...it just is what it is).
If they think they have the option to leave and go back to the people who will enable them, they may do just that. (Not suggesting that you are enabling him but if he can leave and have a place to go, it makes leaving easy.)
What are your boundaries? If he leaves, can he come back and live with you? You say you love him......do you love him enough to let him go?
I'm sorry that your heart is hurting and your loved one is thinking of leaving.......it can be harder on us than it seems to be on them.
Please.....take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
It may have been a test. Addicts tend to do that. He may have been testing you to see how you would react. If he thinks he can walk out of there and come live with you, there's no real reason to stay....is there?
My son is currently in a long term rehab. Leaving and coming here is NOT an option. If he throws out a bait line, my boundary will be stated clearly. I'll say what I mean (you can't come here), mean what I say (that is not negotiable), and I won't say it mean (I'll remove all emotion from my statement...it just is what it is).
If they think they have the option to leave and go back to the people who will enable them, they may do just that. (Not suggesting that you are enabling him but if he can leave and have a place to go, it makes leaving easy.)
What are your boundaries? If he leaves, can he come back and live with you? You say you love him......do you love him enough to let him go?
I'm sorry that your heart is hurting and your loved one is thinking of leaving.......it can be harder on us than it seems to be on them.
Please.....take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by inuyashasgirl20 
He's addicted to heroin and he has been in rehab since September. It's a year long program. I just recently got a letter from him telling me that he's thinking about leaving the program early.
What can I do to convince him to stay and get the help he needs?
What can I do to convince him to stay and get the help he needs?
One of the hardest things we have to accept is we're powerless over someone else's addiction. And when that someone is a person we really, really love, it's that much more difficult to accept.
Unfortunately, he's going to do whatever it is he's going to do, regardless of what you say to him. So, what do you do? Nothing.
You've come to the right place, though. And I encourage you to read as many of the posts as you can. I also encourage you to read the sticky notes on the top of our home page, especially the one titled "What Addicts Do". Because that's what you're up against.
Be safe, and please let us know how you're doing.
Best,
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
Welcome to SR, this is a great place to vent and learn.
Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to make him stay. He is a grown man and if he decides he is not ready to commit to recovery, then he has the choice to leave.
One of the hardest things to learn is that everyone has the choice to live his or her life the way he or she chooses. If he wants to stay an active addict, he has every right to stay an active addict and live his life in chaos, uncertainty, and in danger. HOWEVER, you have that same choice. You can choose to live a life that does not involve an addict. You can't stop him from using or stop him from leaving, but you do have the ability to set boundaries and not be with him if he chooses to remain an active addict.
I know that it isn't easy, but since he is already talking about leaving, try to prepare yourself for if it leaves. It always helps to have a plan in mind such as...if he leaves can he live with you, will you keep talking to him on the phone, will you stop financial support, etc.
Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to make him stay. He is a grown man and if he decides he is not ready to commit to recovery, then he has the choice to leave.
One of the hardest things to learn is that everyone has the choice to live his or her life the way he or she chooses. If he wants to stay an active addict, he has every right to stay an active addict and live his life in chaos, uncertainty, and in danger. HOWEVER, you have that same choice. You can choose to live a life that does not involve an addict. You can't stop him from using or stop him from leaving, but you do have the ability to set boundaries and not be with him if he chooses to remain an active addict.
I know that it isn't easy, but since he is already talking about leaving, try to prepare yourself for if it leaves. It always helps to have a plan in mind such as...if he leaves can he live with you, will you keep talking to him on the phone, will you stop financial support, etc.
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