julez

I have a daughter, who very recently turned 18. We have struggled with behavioral issues, and mental illness for years, and recently her drug use has spiraled it of control. She went to rehab for 19 days, and is now home. Needless to say I am scared to death to let her out of my sight. I know the inevitable is that she gets her freedom back and should be allowed to make her own choices, but my question is this. What steps can I take to help her not relapse? She goes to an intensive out patient 3 times a week for 3 hours, then will start a celebrate recovery program at church on Tuesday. Every day I read her a daily inspiration. Our family is very supportive. However, the issue of her mental illness, which makes her not think clearly,and the substance abuse, which I think she doesn't take seriously, makes my head spin with worry that I won't do the right things to help. HELP

Kindeyes

There are a few things that people told me to do a long time ago that helped me in dealing with my addicted son. Some of these suggestions I embraced and others took me a little longer.....and I wish I had done them sooner.

Don't do anything (and that means anything) for the addict that they can and should be doing for themselves.

Say what you mean (set firm boundaries), Mean what you say (those boundaries are NOT negotiable) and don't say it mean (be nice--don't yell).

Work the program you wish he (or in your case "she") would.

If you pray, why worry. If you worry, why pray.

As I look back on a long history with my son, those are some of the most profound things that helped me deal with his addiction.

You and your dear daughter will be in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke

washbe2

Excellent suggestions from KindEyes. We do understand your concern
You sound a lot like me and many others thinking if we just do the right things, we can prevent them.from.slipping. How easy if.that were true. We would just do it and there would be no need for this forum.
Make and stick to boundaries. Find a meeting for yourself. Hang tough. People here care

AndreaB

Oh my Julez, how very hard for you. Your daughter has a double whammy, mental illness and youth. Both states can undermine her recovery. I went through the same issues with my daughter. I would not wish that experience on anyone.

My daughter suffers from a learning disability and the resulting depression. She began self-medicating at 16. When I finally realized the extent of the problem, she was about 19, I jumped in with both feet. She is now almost 23, clean and seems to have rounded a corner. Yea!

I believe that addicts are different, their stages of addiction are different and consequently their recovery is different. My approach toward my daughter was to help her heal her depression, while keeping her as safe as I could. I refused to enable her addiction and never gave her money, locked up all valuables and took away the car. I drove her to her psychiatrist and made sure that she was taking her antidepressants.

However, there were many setbacks. Many, many setbacks. There were times when I was so discouraged it was hard to get out of bed. But then one day a light went off in her head, it seemed to appear in conjunction with a new level of maturity. She wanted to be clean. She asked me to help her stay away from her "friends." She talked about her cravings and how she copes with them. We began working as a team. She started planning for her future.

She has thanked me for not kicking her out of the house and for helping her find recovery. She says that if I had kicked her out, she would have moved in with her addict friends and may have loss her tentative grasp on normalcy.

Although my involvement seems to be working for my daughter, it does not mean it will work for anyone else. I just suggest that you listen to all of the other voices on this forum and then use your best judgment. You know your daughter better than anyone, just be careful to trust your gut above your daughter's word.

helpme33

It is such a hard fact to embrace, what works for one addict may not work for another.

In my state they are considered adults at 17yo, and at that point it is all up to them.

My daughter got into trouble and it literally scared her straight. She was arrested twice and I didn't have the money to bail her out. In hind site that was a good thing. She was court ordered counseling and stayed in counseling for over a year, riding a bus 1&1/2 hours there and the same back, 3 times a week. She now has a college degree and a wonderful family.

If I posted the things she did between about 16 and 22.... I could probably write a crime book lol. It involved her then bf stealing $10,000 from his father, and then the father (owner of a strip club, don't even ask where she was working at that time, I'm sure you can fill in the blank) was found shot to death in the driveway, execution style.

I never remind her of that time and I never got to the point of asking her to leave. She never stole from me and told me years later some of her friends wanted to break in and steal my jewelry and she told them she would turn them in to the law if they did.

My son, nothing scares him, staying in jail was bragging rights. My gifted math and science child hated school, ran away from home, stole from me, helped his friends steal my car. The list could go on and on. I finally told him he had to leave.

I had my son in many programs starting at an early age. He was in house and evaluated but nothing was diagnosed. I am fairly sure he has a mental illness, mix that with drugs and alcohol and it is horrible.

The advice to trust your gut is a very good one! I realize now the many ways I had enabled my children, especially my son, for years with out realizing it. Even with a mental illness they have to learn to cope. You can encourage her to stay in the program, but as you will find out, you can not make them do anything. There are many good books out today that I wish I had access to when I first started this journey. The books on enabling help me tremendously.

(((huggs and prayers for us all)))

crazybabie

Julez, My oldest son was a lot like your daughter and he was the reason I originally joined here he started seeing and hearing things when he was only 6 years old, ended up diagnosed with Conduct Disorder etc... the diagnosis changed through out the years eventually we, were told his diagnosis was schizoaffective and antisocal personalty.

I took him for his visits with the mental health workers I did everything I could he would not comply and he turned to drugs at an early age I am guessing 13 or 14.

These are the things I learned and they were hard to accept.
My son has to decide he will take his medication I can't make him.
My son has to stop drugs himself I can't help him.
My sons choices are out of my control.
I can love my son to death if I try and save him and I can't save him.
I am codependent.
I have to work my own program Al-anon, or Nar-anon.

I eventually had to take my son to a local shelter broke my heart.
I also learned I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it.

I believe most of us mothers feel we can at first after all we are the mom we always made things better hard reality when it comes to drugs is we can NOT make it better.

I had to set boundaries and when they were broken I had to carry out the consequence .
None of this was easy but it was necessary.

I also learned I had stood in the way of my sons bottom by trying to make sure he was clean, doing things for him hoping he would not get upset or be to stressed and use, I gave my son to my HP which in my case is God.

I will be praying for your precious daughter and all those who love her.

Anaya

I'm so sorry for what your daughter, you, and family are experiencing. As you can see, we're here for you and understand. Sending prayers for strength and recovery your way.

ISOHumility

Julez,

I understand that fear you have about your daughter using again. From very recent experience, I can tell you with assurance that your fear and worry are useless.

I am new to this board and to recovery, but I go to Al-Anon regularly now and it helps immensely. The lightbulb that went off in my head is that I can change only me, and that working my own program allows me to love my son exactly as he is. And like most of the mamas who gave you advice, I gave my son to God. I try to remember that my son has a God, and it's not me.

If you could love another person clean, none of us would be here. Please stay and post often...you'll get some stellar advice from people who really care, and have been there. Also, please check out an Al-anon or Nar-Anon meeting...it is the first step toward your own healing.

SundaysChild

Mental illness and drug use often go hand in hand, so may of us can relate to what you're going through.

I'd urge you to attend an AlAnon meeting - you will need all the support you can get, and the people you will meet in program will be the best support you can get.

If you daughter WANTS recovery, then nothing you do or don't do will deter her - if she wants to use again- nothing you do or don't do will deter her.

19 days is a very short inpatient rehab, and 3 days a week of IOP for someone less than 3 weeks clean is also not alot. Is she going to AA or NA meetings? She needs some type of daily support - and it really doesn't work well to have parents/family be that support. You're just too enmeshed.

My son (now 20) suffers from ADHD, anxiety, depression, and has a "mood disorder" which has him on bipolar meds. He's been to rehab several times, and spent almost a year in a SLE after the last rehab...only to relapse and move on from oxy to IV heroin. A little over 7 months ago, he stared into the abyss, and realized it was life or death for him...and began a climb back up on his own. About 2 months ago, he decided he didn't need his meds anymore...stopped them, and feel into a very dark place. I prayed, and worked hard on detaching. He came close to relapse...but didn't. He went back to his doctor, and started his meds again. For him, the battle with addiction and the dark demons his mental illness stirs up will both probably be lifetime battles. But, they are his battles. I can't fight them for him.

He's in school, and my husband and I support him financially, we provide health insurance, and advice when he asks for it. He does not live in our home, and hasn't for almost 2 years. He does visit - he was actually home for almost two weeks over Christmas, without any major issues. We don't ask him about recovery, make suggestions about recovery, or talk to his psychiatrist or psychologist.

You are just beginning this journey, and I feel your pain and confusion. I urge you to decide what your boundaries are, and think about what you will do if she relapses. Don't obsess about - just decide what you need to do for your own sanity, and be prepared.

allforcnm

I wanted to send along some good wishes to your family tonight. I came here because of my husband, but wanted to share a few things that helped him right after he came home from rehab; it was to keep things in life as simple as possible at first, and increase responsibilities slowly as he was ready; being able to take on more gave him a sense of accomplishment. Maintaining a schedule also seemed to give him a sense of stability and calm. And since there is a lot of emotional work that goes into outpatient and meetings, it helped my husband to have other healthy releases like an exercise program, and what was basically a focus on family time where we would just do something simple and fun like watching movies and eating pizza. There were moments of frustration, and even some periods of rebellion, but in time things just seemed to click with him, and he became excited about reclaiming his life, and living it within the framework of a new healthier lifestyle.

I really agree with what AndreaB said so eloquently:

trust your instincts, watch your daughters behavior, make adjustments as necessary, and please dont be afraid to reach out for help for yourself either. Working with a therapist familiar in addiction and family matters helped me understand what my husband was going through, and also assisted me in sorting out my fears and feelings.