interrupted

You know that he is using, and you know that he is high around you, your baby, and your parents. He is an opiate addict. An OPIATE addict. Opiate addicts appear fine when they are high, it is when they aren't that things start to get really sketchy.

So you know that he is high around you, your baby, and your parents. Or else he would be going through withdrawals. Pretending that he is maybe only sometimes high is just your way of putting off any decisions or actions. He is an opiate addict. He is high. You have to decide if that's what you want for yourself and your baby. You have to decide if you want to keep lying to protect him, thereby endangering both your baby and your parents.

kyles

Just want to thank everyone for their replies and input. Sorry, I can't think straight enough to form coherent responses to anything specific right now, but believe me, I've read all of your responses multiple times at this point. I'm just way too tired, but I didn't want to read and run. I don't know what I'm doing still, but I do feel very bad about everything and really guilty. I'm working on figuring things out.

YearForMe

Oh Kyles Kyles Kyles.....

You are me back in 1979....
Only...I married mine.

Got pregnant the first month of marriage....
Then when I was 5 months pregnant... he went to jail on drug charges and ..well...other charges...
Um....let's just say that the DA told my parents that he was going away for "Life".

And he should have....but....he didn't.

I was in love...he manipulated me....I snuck around behind my parents back to see him
all while he was awaiting trial for "Life".

I had barely been out of my parents house for 6 months before I found myself back there again...and now I was pregnant. During those 6 months...half the time we couldn't pay rent because...well...he spent the money on drugs.
And those 6 months were some of the most horrible of my life. And the next 6 months were filled with turmoil and sneeking around.

I didn't go to my parents and fess up. They found out and confronted me.....
I broke down and told them that I didn't know what to do...he had a hold on me and I COULDN'T stay away from him.

I remember clearly thinking that in the toughest of times...my parents always knew what to do..what was the best and right thing. I told them I didn't care if they had to tie me in a chair...just KEEP ME AWAY FROM HIM......and I went NO CONTACT with him right then and there.....and was SO RELIEVED that I didn't have to betray my parents anymore.

Believe me....that was a re-occurring issue between me and my parents for MANY years after.

It actually was me that....after...oh maybe 10 years....said to them...."enough is enough...I turned EVERYTHING over to you...you made the decisions....I don't regret one decision you made for me...because I couldn't do it for myself back then.

I have my own apartment....I pay my own bills....I have my own car....I raise my daughter by myself with no child support and you have thrown this in or worked this into any minor squabble we have had for the past 10 years.....I am totally self sufficient...I ask you for nothing.....and starting today...I am no longer your whipping post. You either get over it....or don't....but I've been punished for 10 years and I'm not going to be punished for anymore....

And I pointed out that HE ended up going to prison for 6 years....when he was supposed to go down for LIFE. I think 10 years punishment for me is ENOUGH.

They told me that it wasn't so much that I saw him...it was the lying and sneeking around. They were heartbroken that I would lie to them. They felt like I didn't TRUST them and it broke their hearts...and that heartache came out in those small little ways all thru the years. It was all unresolved...until I finally had enough. It took us 10 YEARS of chipping away at each other's hearts until we could finally lay it all out and talk about it and work it out. I finally had to do the thing they couldn't do.

Sweetie...these are big life things....and it's erroding your relationship with your parents and they don't even know it.

If I had someone back then to tell me...things might have been different.

It has taken years of guilt and remorse on my end to resolve regarding my parents.
And I was just a young naive girl....I didn't know what I didn't know back then.

Go to your parents and tell them what you know. Take their guidance.
If you "know" they will keep him away from you....then deep down inside...you know that is probably the right thing that needs to happen. You just can't do it for yourself.

I know....I've been there.....

lightseeker

sometimes I have to get it out of me (whether posting or talking to someone) in order for me to hear myself. I like the saying "it takes what it takes".

The best way that I've been able to figure it out for me is to understand that I have lots of different "parts of me". There are the parts that want to stay and the parts that want to go. It's like I had to go into mediation with my self to get all those parts to finally get to place where I could actually take action. It was almost like brokering a deal with all of the parts of my self. I needed to understand what each side needed and was afraid of and then finally figure out a way that all of those issues

I don't know if that makes any sense or not but it was how I finally got off of that crazy making fence of indecision. I actually took a lot of quiet time.....really got to know and understand each of the parts (the stay part, the go part) and write down all of those fears, issues, the positives, the negatives. That list became my action list - the things that I needed to work on to finally get to a place of resolution.

There is a way through this maze and it wasn't until I took the time to do that investigative work on myself and get to the bottom of it all that I finally could stop that horrible dance of being ready to go but never going.

Maylie

I'm sorry that instead of getting to fully enjoy spending time with your tiny little precious daughter that you instead have to fight with yourself on whether you should stay or not.

I am a recovering heroin addict and a loved one of an addict, and I can tell you that he is very far from recovery. When I snorted pills I told myself I wasn't as bad as the people that shot them, when I shot them I told myself that I wasn't as bad as the people that used street heroin, when I started snorting heroin I told myself I wasn't as bad as people that were shooting heroin, when I started shooting heroin I told myself I was smarter then everyone that was doing pills and snorting heroin because shooting heroin was stronger and cheaper. It is a vicious cycle and the addict always thinks they are a step ahead, but the problem is.. he isn't. If he was fine he wouldn't be snorting pills.

Also as others have said, if he appears to be fine, then he is using. An opiate addict with nothing in their system is a scary site. When an addict is withdrawing it is like seeing the worst flu you have ever seen, but at least 5 times worse.

I would also consider the fact that since there is no way he is sober and playing with your daughter since he would be to sick to even get out of bed, that means he has opiates in his system and is holding, playing, changing a small baby under the influence of basically man made heroin. I would strongly urge that he is never left alone with the baby. I have seen way to many horror stories of people I personally used to know falling asleep and rolling over on the baby, dropping the baby, or nodding off and forgetting about the baby. Please put your daughter first above everything.

I know it is hard to leave, and we always hope that there is some slim chance that the addict will wake up and realize what they have in life and choose their family over drugs. The sad part is, you can't rationalize with an addict. The chance of him getting clean while you stay there is very slim, the chance of him getting clean once you pack up and leave him along with your daughter is a better chance, but not a definite. I know that personally, what I needed to wake up was seeing that I was alone and that it was either grow up and face my problems or lose everyone and everything I ever cared about.

You don't need to make any decisions today. Today all you need to do is protect your daughter. Writing a journal everyday about your feelings might help you to see that the good times are very few and inbetween the bad times.

YearForMe

Lightseeker.....that was an awesome post!

hello-kitty

Focus on your little angel. Enjoy your daughter. You can't get this time back with her. His problems will ALWAYS be around should you decide you want to be miserable, confused and helpless. You can't change him. You are in charge of your own destiny not his. When and whether you choose to take control of your own life is your own decision.

kyles

Today I asked my boyfriend about how frequently he was using. I asked if he was using very regularly. At first he said no he wasn't. Eventually he admitted that "maybe" he uses throughout the day, but not a lot. He wouldn't admit it completely, but I guess it goes without saying.

So, I guess I broke up with him. I feel horrible and like I want to die or be swallowed up. I told him he can't see the baby right now. He got really mad, called me some choice words. I really want to call him. I've probably started to call him at least 10 times in the last few hours. I don't know if I did the right thing.

I still haven't told my parents, or anyone in "real life". They'll all be happy about it, and I don't feel like celebrating it right now.

I'm praying I can be strong enough and not change my mind, because I've already considered doing that probably 25 times today.

Maylie

Kyles, I know it was hard, and it doesn't feel like you did the right thing, but you did. You are protecting your small child, who can not protect herself. If he said maybe, then it means definately. Addicts think they are completely functional while high, I know I did. He isn't capable of seeing the danger he poses to his child, but you are sober and can see it.

If nothing else, try to give it a couple days. I know when I let a week pass I saw things more clearly. Our emotions override what we know to be true sometimes, and the best way to calm our emotions down is to give ourselves some space from the situation.

I can def. relate in not wanting to tell people because then they will be celebrating. It is prob. best to avoid the "told you sos" and celebrating that family members do when we break up with someone they don't like. I don't think they mean to hurt us, but they don't realize that just because we did the right thing doesn't mean it feels good.

Take care of yourself and your precious baby.

hugs

Maylie

kyles

Yeah, he's thinks he's perfectly fine to do anything, no matter how high he is. He's never been allowed to drive her in the car because he drives while high all the time and he's almost killed himself and me before.

It doesn't feel good at all. If I didn't have a baby, I'd still be with him. I'm only doing it because I feel like a piece of crap mother if I don't. I know I have to work on understanding why this is good for me too, but for now it feels anything but good.

LoveMeNow

Kyle, visualize where you want your life and daughters life to be in a year (without him) and strive for that dream. Hold onto it in times of weakness. You sound like you have a great support system, trust and embrace it. You can do this!! We all have faith in you and are here for you!

Maylie

Once my emotions started to settle down I was able to see the things in my relationship that weren't making me happy. After 2 weeks I started to realize that things I would never accept before I met him I started to accept because they became my "norm".

Some reasons for leaving that are good for you without knowing specifics about your relationship are:

- If he is using there are drugs in the house and if there are drugs in the house you can be arrested and your child taken away even though you are sober. (I was almost arrested, even after I was clean, because cops came and there were drugs in the house)
- Since he is actively using he is not being honest, open, or respecting you. Chances are the amount he is using is not the only thing he is holding back.
- You deserve to come first in a relationship, not second to drugs.
- If he crashes the car and kills someone and it is in your name, you can be in huge trouble.
- Motherhood is a a hard task, you deserve someone who can be an equal. Also, I'm sure you want someone who is capable of be mentally present in all your daughters first, not a sort of with it high boyfriend.
- Lastly, you deserve someone is capable of love, understanding, compassion, and will do anything to make you smile. Not someone who runs to the bathroom to get high then acts lovey dovey as the drugs set in.

These are just a couple that come to mind without knowing either of you personally. You are worth it, even if it hurts.

hugs

Maylie

kyles

^ Today someone I know, not well, was arrested just because she was driving a car and the other people in the car had heroin on them. As far as I know, she doesn't use drugs at all and I really don't see her using anything. That sort of scared me and I guess it didn't hurt when I was trying to work up the courage to break up with him. I don't want to be associated with any of that stuff before. He's taken me with him to buy drugs before. I've put myself in situations that were really dangerous and I can't do that anymore. I realize it was me who did that really, I could have decided to not go with him, I could have removed myself from the situations.

SundaysChild

You did the right thing. I know you are not crazy about the idea of meetings, but this is when AlAnon can be REALLY helpful. Instead of picking up the phone to call him, you pick up the phone to call someone in program. You're experiencing withdrawal right now- it will get better.

You need support. And while we can virtually support you, you need support from people in "real life." Are you being honest with yourself about why you're not telling them? Is it because they'll be "happy" or is it because once you tell them, it will be "real" and you won't be able to easily change your mind and take him back?

If you can't get to an AlAnon or NarAnon meeting, there are helplines you can call to get phone support - which may be useful if you choose not to reach out to friends or family right now.

kyles

I was just talking to someone and she made me realize that I'm scared that I'll take him back and then I'll have to deal with everyone's reactions and opinions on that. I guess I don't want it to be real, but I also feel like I don't actually believe I'll go through with this. I don't feel like I will actually stay broke up with him. I'm scared to tell people and then be back with him tomorrow or something.

I don't even want to tell my best friend because she's been one of the main people telling me to leave him...since I found out I was pregnant she's been begging me to do it and telling me all of these things that have all came true. Her older brother had bad drug issues too. Anyway, I've just sort of been hiding. I'm going to tell my parents later tonight, but close to bed so I don't have to talk to them too much about it.

SundaysChild

We'll be there with you when you tell them. Just envision this entire crowd of supporters there holding you up and supporting you when you tell them. If you tell us a time, we'll ALL concentrate on sending love and support right at that moment to give you strength.

You can DO this!

kyles

Thanks. I don't know when I'll tell them, but not until after Nora wakes up, gets fed and a bath and put back to bed again.Trying not to be too upset around her. I know she doesn't know what's going on, but she can feel if I'm really upset.

lightseeker

I'm glad that you are going to tell your parents. I've found that I am only as sick as my secrets. When I kept my ex husband's secrets it allowed me to stay in an unhealthy relationship.

I lost a lot of credibility by going back time and again to my ex...so I definitely know how you feel. There is a child involved here and she deserves a healthy and drug free childhood. That does change the deal a lot I think. It's one thing to destroy our own lives but not the lives of helpless and innocent children. My deepest regrets are that I exposed my sons to a man that had issues with addiction. It's taking me a lot of counseling to work through that.

I know that this is hard. And that every fiber in your body is screaming out to call and end the pain. This is withdrawal......it is impossible to go through it alone so I really do hope that you will reach out. For your daughter's sake. For your sake. And also, for the sake of you BF. As long as you stay he is being unabled and he is that much further away from reaching his bottom and getting the help that he needs.

GardenMama

Kyles, you & your parents are in my thoughts and prayers for the rest of this evening. It is going to get better, much better, if you keep taking steps for your own well-being and for the welfare of your daughter. People here are so right about you being in your own kind of withdrawal from him. I sure was with my daughter and I would be in such worse shape right now emotionally if I didn't have SR and my weekly meeting friends. You need NarAnon or AlAnon for your recovery, and I hope you will at the very least call a hotline. I suspect you may feel better after talking to your parents. And whoever said a week or two helps immensely was absolutely right.

My prayers are with you for the strength you need to come through this happy and healthy and peaceful in your heart.


Al-Anon/Alateen Hotline
Hope & Help for young people who are the relatives & friends of a problem drinker.1-800-344-2666

kyles

I used to keep a lot more secrets as far as his addiction goes. When he went to rehab I said I wouldn't keep any more secrets, but I didn't stick to that at all. It does make you sick.

I don't want my child exposed to drugs. I don't want her to know what any of that stuff even is when she's a child. I can't live with myself knowing I've endangered her at all. I just felt like a piece of crap really, because I knew deep down I was being selfish. I still feel like I'm being selfish. Like, what is wrong with me that it's not easier to just tell him goodbye and put her first?

I turned my phone off 2 hours ago and will not turn it on for a while, maybe not even all day tomorrow, I don't know.

I tried to tell myself I didn't have a lot of the "symptoms" of codependency. But now I'm realizing I must have it pretty bad. I'm normally not so stupid, but I make the worst decisions when he's involved and it's like I know they're the worst decisions, but I still do it anyway. I had sex with him a few days ago. What am I doing? I've turned into everything I didn't want to be.

I feel so stick to my stomach over the whole thing. I feel horrible and guilty no matter what. But I do want to thank those here who were sort of tough with me the past few days and just said it how it is. To be honest, some of the responses I received yesterday made me cry, but I think that was probably just because it wasn't just me thinking these things about what I was doing, but somebody actually saying, even if it wasn't face to face.

I still don't think I will be able to resist talking to him very long, and once I talk to him I don't think I will be able to stay split up from him, and I definitely don't see myself maintaining no contact, but I guess it's one day at a time and I know I can make it through the rest of this day at least. I'll worry about tomorrow then.