salsao201

How many relationships actually survive an addiction? Ive been reading horror stories online and have yet to see a happy ending. Im trying to help by reading up on recovery and supporting my wife but sometimes i feel like just quiting on her. Any stats on marraige survival with an addict would be greatly appreciated

jerect

Hi Salsao and welcome to the boards..

I'm sure many survive because I see many people in alanon who have been married to their spouses for years.. question is, do their relationships thrive.. to me there is a difference in surviving and thriving..

Sadly my marriage to my addict did not survive.. I was working a program and he was still using.. I was "comfortably numb" for most of the duration of my marriage.. hoping it would get better, doing what I could to keep our marriage afloat.. I was the only one putting in the effort.. It got to the point when he physcially assulted me while he was high that I said ENOUGH!!! NO MORE!!! I knew then it wasnt going to get better only worse..

I'm not familier with your story.. Is your wife working a program of recovery? Are you working a program of recovery?

Marriage to an addict or alcoholic is hard.. I have some friends that are married who have been sober 30 years but they work on their program daily, not occasionally, not when its convienant for them but daily..

My best advice to you is to get yourself to some alanon or naranon meetings if you have not already done so.. Dont make any major decisions about your marriage for at least a year unless you are in immediate danger.. educate yourself on addiction, codepency and boundaries.. often times when one spouse makes some serious changes the other spouse will follow suit and sometimes like in my case.. well drugs were more important to my ex husband then his marriage and recovery..

Good luck and keep posting here, you will get the support you need.. no problem is too small or too large here.. there are some great veterans and newcommers on here that offer some great adive, hope and strength..

MIRecovery

Mine worked. Our relationship changed but things eventually became much better

salsao201

Yes she is on a program but I currently am not. I would like to attend meetings but spend my off work time with the kids. I keep reading that the first year of recovery is the hardest but its becoming an emotional roller coaster.... I'll keep my head up for now

secondwind

I dont have a success story for you. My Addicted Other is on his 3rd day in a long term program. This is after 4 1/2 yearsof drug abuse.

There is hope for us, but only if we both work a very strong recovery program. I think alot.of understanding and respect and forgiveness has to be done by both.

That being said early recovery is not easy... can almost be as hard as active addiction. I speak from my own experience with recovery. I choose not to have Addicted Other in the house during early recovery.

I know kids are.important... i have some at home myself. Going to an alanon meeting is.only going to strengthen and heal yourself.. which is 1/2 the battle in saving the marriage. The marriage and kids, but most importantly you are worth an hour a week.

Carrie

The Belle Of The Ball

Maylie

You'll find different statistics depending on where you look.

My relationship has survived addiction, for now. Me and my boyfriend are both recovered heroin addicts, and we have found strength in eachother. I personally believe that a relationship can survive addiction if both parties seek recovery, are able to trust again, are honest with each other, can forgive eachother, and finally, if the addict stays sober. Each situation is different, and each person has a different view on what he or she is willing to put up with, deal with, and work with in a relationship.

If you both work on your recovery and find a way to move past the pass and work on a healthy future together, there is hope. A piece of advice I have for you is to take it one day at a time and continue to work on your self.

allforcnm

My marriage has survived and I actually feel like we are both stronger now as individuals, and as a couple. My husband and I both used private therapy as our program of recovery. And marriage counseling also helped us get past… the past. I think many factors work together to determine the outcome of a marriage. Part of it has to do with what the relationship was like prior to addiction entering in, how much damage occurred to the relationship, etc.

Personally, I don’t take much heart in statistics of anything related to addiction. There are too many variables that are generally not factored in, and also people pick statistics that match their beliefs and try to spin the data, or worse never even present the data for review. And also, addiction and all that is related is held in very close secrecy by many people.

Lara

Hi Salsao. I think the question is what is your idea of 'survive'? I have never been married to an addict. But have been involved with an addict for a very long time (over 10 years) and my dad was an alcoholic. My mum and dad were married for over 36 years before my dad died at age 51 as a result of alcohol abuse. So looking at that you would say my parent's marriage 'survived'. But it took everything out of my mum. Yes my parents loved each other - but the toll was great. I look at pictures of my mum in the early days - before Dad's drinking really became bad. My mum was a beautiful woman - full of life - and energy - and happiness. Over the years my mum aged hugely, became withdrawn, lacked life and rarely smiled. Only now, after 9 years since dad died, and with the first grandchildren - is mum beginning to 'live' again.... heart breaking!

zoso77

My relationship with my AXGF ended, but to me, that is a happy ending because I'm happier without her. If marriages end due to addiction, it's certainly sad, but that doesn't necessary mean the non-addict won't be better off down the road.

My $0.02.

ZoSo

aasharon90

I learned that I can't change people,
family members. I can't make them
do things they don't want or need to
do. They are who they are and accepting
that fact for me and my recovery is a
part of my own learning process.

I entered recovery when we were about 8
yrs married. Had 2 beautiful kids ages about
6 and 4. I began my recovery journey growing
and changing as family members did their
own thing in life, school, work, never skipping
a beat.

Even tho family was supportive of my recovery,
they would never truely understand addiction
because none of them were alcoholics themselves.
It takes and addict to know and addict.

My 25yrs marriage ended due to the lack
of communication and understanding. That
chapter in my life closed and a new one began
4 yrs ago with a new marriage as I continue
on my own journey living a happier, freer, honest
life that Im suppose to live.

For all that has transpired in my life thus so
far, I am truely grateful for as I am being molded
into the person I am meant to be.

mfanch

AH and I have been married 15 years. It has been a long, hard, and rocky road. But we worked through it. It takes time. We are now both spiritually awake via the 12-steps and we have been to individual as well as couples therapy. We have both had profound personality changes and now have a relationship on a plane I never knew existed.

And 3 years years ago I could not stand him any longer and couldn't wait to leave. The sound of his voice made me want to vomit.

Relationships can and do work, but it takes demolishing the entire structure and starting with a brand new foundation. I have seen in my experience that most aren't willing to do this. It requires deep introspection and looking in that mirror.

Good luck.

Kindeyes

Marriage is hard work under the best of circumstances.....throw addiction in and it's harder yet.

One of the things that seems to be consistent in these responses is that in those relationships that have survived addiction, both people were working a strong program of recovery. One of the fallacies that seem to prevail on "our side of the street" is that the addict is the one with the problem.

Unfortunately, we (being the loved ones of an addict) can, and often do, become as sick as the addict....just minus the substance abuse.

If a person sits back and waits for the addict to recover but makes no effort to make changes in themselves......the relationship has a far greater chance of failing. Addiction changes us too and we need to unlearn the patterns that developed during active addiction. After years of living with the chaos of addiction, if nothing else, I think we can harbor tremendous feelings of anger and resentment. A strong program of recovery helps us overcome that.

Statistically, I believe the chances of a marriage or relationship surviving addiction is FAR greater if both parties participate in a strong program of recovery.....be it a 12-step program or intensive couples therapy. One costs time......the other costs lots of money.....and everything is a degree of "want". How bad do you want the relationship to survive?

gentle hugs
ke