Been thinking a lot about character
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Beckley wv
Posts: 26
Been thinking a lot about character
.....and how it relates to addiction. I talked to a long-time addict (that has been clean for over 10 years), and he said (for him anyway) that putting the drugs down was not the hard part. He saiat what was REALLY tough was changing his messed up behavior. In his opinion, drugs did not make him lie and steal, he was doing all of that before he was addicted.
Been having some trouble with my wife lately. She totaled our car on new years day (drinking), and stole money from me last night. I think it's decision making time.
Been having some trouble with my wife lately. She totaled our car on new years day (drinking), and stole money from me last night. I think it's decision making time.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I am sorry for your distress, but understand completely. No matter how much we want them to stop using, they continue, until the fear of stopping is less than the pain of continuing.
And yes, putting down the drug will bring them sobriety but recovery takes a lot of work. Often, there is an amazing positive change once they have a few months recovery under their belt. Sometimes not, sometimes the underlying problems are all still there, just not buried anymore.
Only you can decide what is right for you, how long you want to live like this. It's a terribly life, I know because I lived it with my son, and for me, I would have died if I had continued.
I don't know if you have tried any meetings, but Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA have helped many of us find our balance again..and our sanity and our lives.
Hope this coming year brings you many positive changes. It can, if you are willing to make them.
Hugs
And yes, putting down the drug will bring them sobriety but recovery takes a lot of work. Often, there is an amazing positive change once they have a few months recovery under their belt. Sometimes not, sometimes the underlying problems are all still there, just not buried anymore.
Only you can decide what is right for you, how long you want to live like this. It's a terribly life, I know because I lived it with my son, and for me, I would have died if I had continued.
I don't know if you have tried any meetings, but Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA have helped many of us find our balance again..and our sanity and our lives.
Hope this coming year brings you many positive changes. It can, if you are willing to make them.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I heard the something very similar from an addict with long term recovery.
He said that stopping the drug use was a tangible and immediate benefit of recovery but the really hard work was modifying their behaviors and thinking. Now......if you think about it......those of us here on SR (and in the various 12 step programs for families & friends of addicts) don't get that immediate, tangible benefit that a recovering drug addict gets when they stop using their DOC.....because we are doing the really hard stuff from the get-go......changing ourselves, our behavior, our thought processes.
I'm sorry that your wife crashed the car while intoxicated. I hope that no one was hurt.....other than the obvious hurt that it has caused you.
Take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
He said that stopping the drug use was a tangible and immediate benefit of recovery but the really hard work was modifying their behaviors and thinking. Now......if you think about it......those of us here on SR (and in the various 12 step programs for families & friends of addicts) don't get that immediate, tangible benefit that a recovering drug addict gets when they stop using their DOC.....because we are doing the really hard stuff from the get-go......changing ourselves, our behavior, our thought processes.
I'm sorry that your wife crashed the car while intoxicated. I hope that no one was hurt.....other than the obvious hurt that it has caused you.
Take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 81
I agree, I believe there are mental illnesses that can drive someone to drink (self-medicate to balance out bipolar, for example) and traumas (post-traumatic stress, etc), and then...there are character disturbances. Drug/alcohol abuse is quite common with personality disorders.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Thank you for this post. I also believe this. My son who is currently in jail made this comment to me. " I need to change how I think, react and how I feel about my life." He said that not doing drugs is always the first step for him, but he never took it past that by embracing his sobriety and seeking help for his thoughts, feelings and beliefs.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
My disease is threefold...physical, mental/emotional, and spiritual.
Putting the drink/drugs down was a very important first step in the recovery process.
However, addressing all three areas was the key to long-term recovery for me.
Putting the drink/drugs down was a very important first step in the recovery process.
However, addressing all three areas was the key to long-term recovery for me.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Shaolin,
You have some hard decisions to make. And while I'm not going to tell you what I think you should do, I will share with you what I've learned.
Every decision we make has intended and unintended consequences. When you decided to marry your wife, I imagine you had doubts but you probably never completely foresaw what you're dealing with now. What you're seeing now are the unintended consequences of your choice. And it isn't pretty.
Whatever you decide to do, you will pay a price one way or the other. That's why when you make a decision, you need to make it based on what you know to be true instead of what you hope will happen. You have a lot of empirical evidence about your wife now, and you're accumulating more every day. Pay attention to it. Give it the respect it deserves. Doing the right thing in situations like yours seldom means it feels good. More often than not it hurts like hell.
Eyes and ears open, my friend.
ZoSo
You have some hard decisions to make. And while I'm not going to tell you what I think you should do, I will share with you what I've learned.
Every decision we make has intended and unintended consequences. When you decided to marry your wife, I imagine you had doubts but you probably never completely foresaw what you're dealing with now. What you're seeing now are the unintended consequences of your choice. And it isn't pretty.
Whatever you decide to do, you will pay a price one way or the other. That's why when you make a decision, you need to make it based on what you know to be true instead of what you hope will happen. You have a lot of empirical evidence about your wife now, and you're accumulating more every day. Pay attention to it. Give it the respect it deserves. Doing the right thing in situations like yours seldom means it feels good. More often than not it hurts like hell.
Eyes and ears open, my friend.
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
When if comes to living with an addict, there are no right or wrong answers. If you feel like it is decision time, then it is. Only you can decide if you have had enough. At the end of the day, we all have to live with the choices we make.
I am a recovered addict and I never stole or lied until I was very heavily into heroin. I used to the drugs to numb the pain and emptiness I felt after my dad died. Drugs allowed me not to have to deal with his death. My boyfriend, also a recovered addict, also used drugs to hide from feelings from his childhood. I think each addict uses for different reasons and yes, some people would be the same without drugs in the mix. Our society deals with murders, bank robbers, child molesters, etc.
Whatever you choose to do, do it because it is the right decision for YOU.
I am a recovered addict and I never stole or lied until I was very heavily into heroin. I used to the drugs to numb the pain and emptiness I felt after my dad died. Drugs allowed me not to have to deal with his death. My boyfriend, also a recovered addict, also used drugs to hide from feelings from his childhood. I think each addict uses for different reasons and yes, some people would be the same without drugs in the mix. Our society deals with murders, bank robbers, child molesters, etc.
Whatever you choose to do, do it because it is the right decision for YOU.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
