Kind of glad the holidays are over
One Day At A Time
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: The Middle Distance
Posts: 197
Kind of glad the holidays are over
I miss my daughter every day. I have lost contact with her since mid November and the contact then was pretty sketchy. Mostly texts and messages and "I can't talk now but will call you later" kind of put offs.
I kind of hoped to see her for the holidays but she didn't call and I have no way to contact her. I had a wonderful Christmas in that I have other family members and friends that combined with tradition and the heart of the season made it a magical time. Busy, busy, busy and many happy memories...
I do everything I can to focus on my issues, my program, use the tools and it all works. It really does. But sometimes I am troubled because I feel like a part of me has died in this journey of addiction/recovery/addiction with my daughter. It has been five years. Recovery has not worked for her. More accutately, she has not chosen to do the work in recovery so she has just recycled over and over. But recovery has worked for me. It saved my life and I am so grateful. But I keep trying to revive that dead part of me because I feel like I have lost something. I have done some PTSD work which has helped. Even if the place inside where I feel dead never changes I don't want the dead to spread any further is what I am trying to say....thanks for listening.
I kind of hoped to see her for the holidays but she didn't call and I have no way to contact her. I had a wonderful Christmas in that I have other family members and friends that combined with tradition and the heart of the season made it a magical time. Busy, busy, busy and many happy memories...
I do everything I can to focus on my issues, my program, use the tools and it all works. It really does. But sometimes I am troubled because I feel like a part of me has died in this journey of addiction/recovery/addiction with my daughter. It has been five years. Recovery has not worked for her. More accutately, she has not chosen to do the work in recovery so she has just recycled over and over. But recovery has worked for me. It saved my life and I am so grateful. But I keep trying to revive that dead part of me because I feel like I have lost something. I have done some PTSD work which has helped. Even if the place inside where I feel dead never changes I don't want the dead to spread any further is what I am trying to say....thanks for listening.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Hi Present, I am also one who feels that "deadness" since my son has been both MIA and now in jail since May of 2012. He is a heroin addict. I take strength from friends and family and have given my son to God. I do see him in jail, but I really don't know what will happen when he gets out. I just wanted to say Thank you for the post and I care.
Another Mom,
Love Teresa
Another Mom,
Love Teresa
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
What's really hard is missing them when we don't see them and feeling a sense of dread when we do hear from them.
I'm glad to hear that you are getting some relief by working your own program of recovery.
When my son was MIA I would pray that he might meet someone who would be a change agent in his life. I'll pray the same for your dear daughter.
gentle hugs
ke
I'm glad to hear that you are getting some relief by working your own program of recovery.
When my son was MIA I would pray that he might meet someone who would be a change agent in his life. I'll pray the same for your dear daughter.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Thanks to all for sharing. even though I am not the OP, this is a tender post for me. My 27-year-old AS's addiction is always there in the background. I have always wanted to get a family portrait of me and my adult children, but now I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. If I do then I see will my AS's eyes and face in the portrait and see his "zombie-ness." If I go ahead and get a portrait without him, I will see that void in the portrait every time I look at it. So I just put my head in the sand and get no portrait at all.
My alcoholic father was forced to retire because of drinking. The company's policy was to pay for a portrait of him that was large enough so that all his co-workers could sign their names on the edges of the picture. He was dressed in a suit and looked okay, but every time I look at that portrait, I see his eyes that say "I am drunk." He went on several years later to take his own life.
I too am grateful to have found recovery even though my father and, so far, my son have not. But God is good! He did not come to save the found but to save the lost - the least of which was me who am now found. And now my prayers are for all the lost here on this forum and everywhere.
PresentTense: Keep coming back! Your recovery is shining through!
My alcoholic father was forced to retire because of drinking. The company's policy was to pay for a portrait of him that was large enough so that all his co-workers could sign their names on the edges of the picture. He was dressed in a suit and looked okay, but every time I look at that portrait, I see his eyes that say "I am drunk." He went on several years later to take his own life.
I too am grateful to have found recovery even though my father and, so far, my son have not. But God is good! He did not come to save the found but to save the lost - the least of which was me who am now found. And now my prayers are for all the lost here on this forum and everywhere.
PresentTense: Keep coming back! Your recovery is shining through!
One Day At A Time
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: The Middle Distance
Posts: 197
Many thanks for the encouragement. I feel less alone and I am really grateful for the company even though our common bond is painful sometimes....it still feels so good to be among people who understand. Thanks again for listening and for your wise words.
One Day At A Time
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: The Middle Distance
Posts: 197
Originally Posted by Ilovemysonjj 
Hi Present, I am also one who feels that "deadness" since my son has been both MIA and now in jail since May of 2012. He is a heroin addict. I take strength from friends and family and have given my son to God. I do see him in jail, but I really don't know what will happen when he gets out. I just wanted to say Thank you for the post and I care.
Another Mom,
Love Teresa
Another Mom,
Love Teresa
One Day At A Time
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: The Middle Distance
Posts: 197
My 27-year-old AS's addiction is always there in the background. I have always wanted to get a family portrait of me and my adult children, but now I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.
I think that's it. The thief addiction is always there in the background (or the empty place in the pictures) and I feel like I have lost something so valuable in not being a "complete" family. The holidays highlight that empty spot. So many pictures without her. I am close to my other children but I miss her. On the other hand, I will not put myself or my family through the hell of her addiction issues so I will travel on with grace and peace dependent on God because I don't do too well on my own.
I think that's it. The thief addiction is always there in the background (or the empty place in the pictures) and I feel like I have lost something so valuable in not being a "complete" family. The holidays highlight that empty spot. So many pictures without her. I am close to my other children but I miss her. On the other hand, I will not put myself or my family through the hell of her addiction issues so I will travel on with grace and peace dependent on God because I don't do too well on my own.
One Day At A Time
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: The Middle Distance
Posts: 197
Sojourner, I think that's it. The thief addiction is always there in the background (or the empty place in the pictures) and I feel like I have lost something so valuable in not being a "complete" family. The holidays highlight that empty spot. So many pictures without her. I am close to my other children but I miss her. On the other hand, I will not put myself or my family through the hell of her addiction issues so I will travel on with grace and peace dependent on God because I don't do too well on my own.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Originally Posted by sojourner
But God is good! He did not come to save the found but to save the lost - the least of which was me who am now found. And now my prayers are for all the lost here on this forum and everywhere.
PresentTense: Keep coming back! Your recovery is shining through!
PresentTense: Keep coming back! Your recovery is shining through!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 77
"What's really hard is missing them when we don't see them and feeling a sense of dread when we do hear from them."
^This. Thank you, KE.
My AS is homeless (by choice) with no cell phone in a big city on the opposite coast. He calls me every 10 days or so from a phone at a homeless assistance center. My chest feels tight every time I see that area code on the caller ID.
To be clear, he's not asking for help. He always sounds upbeat--loving the adventure, happier than he's ever been, can't understand why our family is not supportive of his living on the streets, etc. Total craziness, and using (of course).
I struggle to come up with something truthful but non-judgmental to say to him, because telling him how I *really* feel about his decisions has never done anything but alienate him in the past.
But more often than not, after I say something neutral like "I'm so happy to hear you're safe and that life is working out for you like you want it to," there is a pause on his end, and then he says something like, "Well, I think I may have done something kinda dumb the other day . . . ."
And then he tells me about his most recent act of poor judgment, the fallout from which I know will take years to overcome if and when he ever does find recovery.
I want to scream into the phone, "WTF were you thinking???" But I don't.
It takes me the rest of that day to regain my emotional equilibrium after he calls. But when a couple of weeks goes by without hearing from him at all, I start to wonder whether he might be dead.
Edited to add: I didn't intend to hijack this thread as I was writing this post. Apologies to the OP.
^This. Thank you, KE.
My AS is homeless (by choice) with no cell phone in a big city on the opposite coast. He calls me every 10 days or so from a phone at a homeless assistance center. My chest feels tight every time I see that area code on the caller ID.
To be clear, he's not asking for help. He always sounds upbeat--loving the adventure, happier than he's ever been, can't understand why our family is not supportive of his living on the streets, etc. Total craziness, and using (of course).
I struggle to come up with something truthful but non-judgmental to say to him, because telling him how I *really* feel about his decisions has never done anything but alienate him in the past.
But more often than not, after I say something neutral like "I'm so happy to hear you're safe and that life is working out for you like you want it to," there is a pause on his end, and then he says something like, "Well, I think I may have done something kinda dumb the other day . . . ."
And then he tells me about his most recent act of poor judgment, the fallout from which I know will take years to overcome if and when he ever does find recovery.
I want to scream into the phone, "WTF were you thinking???" But I don't.
It takes me the rest of that day to regain my emotional equilibrium after he calls. But when a couple of weeks goes by without hearing from him at all, I start to wonder whether he might be dead.
Edited to add: I didn't intend to hijack this thread as I was writing this post. Apologies to the OP.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 526
i might be going through something similar, so i can relate i guess.
i enjoyed the holidays, but i feel like things were much smoother before that. though i was with my loved ones, being alone (when all said and done) kind of really sucks.
these are tough times for many people. :ghug3
i enjoyed the holidays, but i feel like things were much smoother before that. though i was with my loved ones, being alone (when all said and done) kind of really sucks.
these are tough times for many people. :ghug3
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Originally Posted by NoGround
"What's really hard is missing them when we don't see them and feeling a sense of dread when we do hear from them."
^This. Thank you, KE.
My AS is homeless (by choice) with no cell phone in a big city on the opposite coast. He calls me every 10 days or so from a phone at a homeless assistance center. the caller ID. My chest feels tight every time I see that area code on
To be clear, he's not asking for help. He always sounds upbeat--loving the adventure, happier than he's ever been, can't understand why our family is not supportive of his living on the streets, etc. Total craziness, and using (of course).
I struggle to come up with something truthful but non-judgmental to say to him, because telling him how I *really* feel about his decisions has never done anything but alienate him in the past.
But more often than not, after I say something neutral like "I'm so happy to hear you're safe and that life is working out for you like you want it to," there is a pause on his end, and then he says something like, "Well, I think I may have done something kinda dumb the other day . . . ."
And then he tells me about his most recent act of poor judgment, the fallout from which I know will take years to overcome if and when he ever does find recovery.
I want to scream into the phone, "WTF were you thinking???" But I don't.
It takes me the rest of that day to regain my emotional equilibrium after he calls. But when a couple of weeks goes by without hearing from him at all, I start to wonder whether he might be dead.
Edited to add: I didn't intend to hijack this thread as I was writing this post. Apologies to the OP.
^This. Thank you, KE.
My AS is homeless (by choice) with no cell phone in a big city on the opposite coast. He calls me every 10 days or so from a phone at a homeless assistance center. the caller ID. My chest feels tight every time I see that area code on
To be clear, he's not asking for help. He always sounds upbeat--loving the adventure, happier than he's ever been, can't understand why our family is not supportive of his living on the streets, etc. Total craziness, and using (of course).
I struggle to come up with something truthful but non-judgmental to say to him, because telling him how I *really* feel about his decisions has never done anything but alienate him in the past.
But more often than not, after I say something neutral like "I'm so happy to hear you're safe and that life is working out for you like you want it to," there is a pause on his end, and then he says something like, "Well, I think I may have done something kinda dumb the other day . . . ."
And then he tells me about his most recent act of poor judgment, the fallout from which I know will take years to overcome if and when he ever does find recovery.
I want to scream into the phone, "WTF were you thinking???" But I don't.
It takes me the rest of that day to regain my emotional equilibrium after he calls. But when a couple of weeks goes by without hearing from him at all, I start to wonder whether he might be dead.
Edited to add: I didn't intend to hijack this thread as I was writing this post. Apologies to the OP.
PresentTense: I hope this little deviation from your post is helpful for you, too.
One Day At A Time
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: The Middle Distance
Posts: 197
Thank you, No Ground, for expressing and understanding the craziness of being torn between wanting to say "WTF" and "I am so glad you are alive. I love you." It is always a battle. Sometimes I feel like I am abandoning myself and the truth by saying the neutral things and not WTF. I try to end every conversation with "I love you" because I honestly don't know when or if I will ever talk with her again.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
I am torn when I say nothing. It feels like when I do that that then my AS interprets that I am finally condoning his drug use and the lifestyle that goes with it, that he interprets that I am finally accepting him and the path he has chosen. A lot of what I read from recovering addicts is that they were just waiting for their family to accept them and their lifestyle. I am really relying on Al-Anon's wisdom to keep my mouth shut because he already knows how I feel. But it just does not feel right.
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