df1200

Hi, I am new to the site but not new to addiction. My husband is addicted to narcotics. I have been with him for about ten years and married for almost three with 1 child and I am pregnant with the second. He has a history of addiction to cocaine from when he was younger but the addiction only lasted about a year and seemed pretty easy for him to kick, although I know he would use on occasion socially. Around the time of our marriage, he had surgery on his back and ended up having 3 surgeries in around 2 years. During this time he was prescribed pain medication. I knew during this time he had become dependent on them but he was not out of control, he had convinced me he needed them for the pain, when in reality it was probably only helping him psycologically. Last december is when he really lost it. I had thought he had been off of pills for several months but at some point he had decided to try Opana which from what I have witnessed is unlike other narcotics and is much closer to heroin. He ended up spending over ten thousand dollars before I found out. He actually had told my parents who told me. He did open up about how he had no control over his mind during that time and with spiritual help, distraction, and suboxone, he was able to stop the drug. It took about 3 months for him to feel back to normal, although I think the suboxone was not as helpful because he had a hard time getting off of it as well. I went back to trusting him after he had been off for a while. I got pregnant in August and between working and symptoms of early pregnancy, I let his relapse go unnoticed for a couple of months. Somehow he had gained access to a savings account and I did not notice the money going missing because I did not regularly check that account. When I did find out, I confronted him and he ignored me like I hadn't even said anything. I know my initial anger probably shut him out of discussing it with me but I felt so betrayed and taken advantage of. At the time I discovered it, I was having pregnancy complications and was already stressed out about that. Over the last couple months he has tried to stop because I will see the withdrawal symptoms but it doesn't last. He still hasn't said a word about it to me although he is making no effort to hide it. I am currently on bedrest and having to deal with this again is just physcially and mentally exhausting. He just keeps finding ways to get to our money and they are extremes that I didn't think he could think of and every lie is just so upsetting. I am not really sure what to do at this point. I know he wants to stop but I don't know how to help him. I also don't know if I can continue to do this over and over. I want to help him but I don't want my kids to be negatively affected by him. After reading posts, I don't know how you can stay married to someone that you will never be able to trust and who can lie and steal from you this way. Are there any suggestions on what I should do..I know books helped him last time but they were not addiction related. There are so many out there..I'm not sure which are best. Also, I have read about Vivitrol injections.. does anyone have experience with these? Thanks

secondwind

Just wanted to say welcome.

I personally don't have any advice. As i am just starting on my own path. This morning i drove my Addicted Other to a homeless rehab/shelter.

I would suggest protecting your money in every way possible.

Stat around and read and ask questions, you will eventually find.the answer in yourself.

Carrie

The Belle Of The Ball

crazybabie

Welcome to SR. I am sorry for what has brought you here. Your in quite a position I also have been put in bed in the past when expecting usually I would suggest go to meetings but obviously you can't do any face to face meetings right now. We do have one here in the chat room on Wednesday nights 9:00 pm eastern time. I will find and bump the thread up.

I agree if possible protect any money you can do you have an account in your name only you could put some in?

Codependent No More by Melody Beattie is a great book
The truth is you can't do anything about his using
You didn't cause it You can't control it You can't cure it

All you can do is take care of you his choices are out of your hands. I suggest reading the stickies at the top especially What addicts do and the one about codependency
at the top of the page is a search box my suggestion is type in cynical one and search her blogs and read them she has so much information.

I can see why you feel betrayed. May I ask when your baby is due?

lightseeker

Welcome, I'm glad that you found us but am really sorry for what you are going through.

The first things that I would do would be to protect my money and my children (from active addiction). Sometimes it takes a while to get your ducks in a row but it's good to put one foot in front of the other.

There is so much good information in the sticky's and on this forum in general. Knowledge is power and the more that you learn about recovery in general the better off that you will be.

I've learned that what I had to do was "save myself". That means something different for each of us.

I know that you feel overwhelmed but please remember, there are others that have walked (and are walking) in your shoes and that there is a path through all of this.

EnglishGarden

Addiction thrives in secrecy. Because you are so vulnerable right now, my suggestion is that you build yourself a solid support group of persons who can help you protect you and your children with mature and professional and caring advice. You are not right now the best choice-maker for yourself and your children because living with an addict fogs our rational thought processes. And in addition to that you are experiencing isolation and tremendous physiological changes.

My suggestion is that you tell your obstetrician and pediatrician and family doctor--all of them--that your husband is an opiate addict in active addiction. All of them should know this. They have a moral responsibility to protect your health and your children's health, and the stress of addiction in the family will impact every one of you.

One of those doctors will likely suggest a counselor for you for much-needed support in the upcoming year. When you are able, I suggest you start seeing that counselor and tell that person the truth of your husband's addiction. With two small children at home this year, it is vital you not remain psychologically isolated because if you do, your drug addict husband will take over your mind.

Others will perhaps advise about the financial risk you are in, but my first concern is for your mental health should you become isolated and at the mercy of the addict.

I agree, as will most here, that protecting your children is utmost. You will need sound guidance to do so. Please do not try to go this alone, for you will take many serious wrong turns.

You do not have to take any action today to solve your long-range marriage questions. If you get professional guidance, you will make good decisions as time unfolds in the coming months. Your health and your children's health is the priority. Get your support system in place and you will be able, with good counsel, to make good decisions and to make a healthy life, regardless of your husband's choices.

I'm sorry you are so worried and hurt, for this is such a fragile emotional time for you, preparing to birth a new child. Please do not hide from your family and friends. Love can carry you through anything to come. You will need much love from those in your life, and if you ask for it from your family and friends, you will find there are angels who will stand beside you and you will not be alone.

Wishing you good health, spiritual faith, sound practical advice, and a very healthy new baby this Spring. Your highest moral imperative is to provide your children with a psychologically, emotionally, and physically healthy home. With support and guidance, you absolutely can do that.

supportforme

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I absolutely echo everything that English Garden has written. I lived through this for years before I realized that the best thing I can do was focus on my health and sanity to save myself and my kids from this horrible addiction. I wish you the best. Also, please read Cynical One's blogs - they truly saved me and taught me so much about this horrible disease. I had to learn the hard way that there is nothing I can do to save him. All I can do is work on myself and do everything I can to protect my children.

Kindeyes

I'm so sorry that all of this is happening. Addiction is such a cunning and baffling disease.

I hope that you'll take care of yourself and your children first and foremost. Your husband is a grown man and, in theory, can take care of himself.

Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

Wesley423

Your husbands story sounds just like mine. I had to lose my wife of 19 yrs who was my best friend to finally realize I had to stop or die. I entered a inpatient program and have been clean for 112 days. I also take the vivitrol shot and it really helps. If he is not ready to get clean then nothing u can do will help. His actions during this time will tell u if he is serious or not about recovery. Like stated above take care of yourself and ur children first. I pray that he realizes its time. If not I pray for the best for u and ur children. Your pal in recovery...Wes...

lightseeker

I just want to say how much I appreciate all that English Garden said. She has posted some very wise and loving information.

I was married to a man that had an addiction to crack and sex. It took me 5 years to extract myself from that marriage so I know that it can be done. BUT I could not do it alone. We are here for you here so you at least have an on line community. I had to learn how to tap into my face to face resources.

I know that you can do this....you've already found a wonderful place that will help you to learn more.

I became isolated and at the mercy of the addict so I know exactly what English Garden is talking about. PLEASE keep reaching out....get that support system in place and then you'll be able to feel more comfortable about any of your decisions.

Sending you loving thoughts.

allforcnm

Hi df1200,

Your story is very close to my own. My husband also got hooked on pain meds after an injury and surgeries. I was also pregnant; with our first child during his active addiction phase. He decided to clean himself up & went to my parents for help and then they got me involved; my son was a newborn at the time. (I think he went to my parents, because he could not face me, and thought he could resolve it and then show me what he had accomplished). It sounds like your husband may have the same mindset with the way he is handling trying to kick it on his own, and then picking it back up when he cant make it through.

In my opinion, these drugs are just a time bomb when people have to be on them for long periods of time. Couple that with the frustration over being disabled to whatever degree, stress over physical therapy, maybe being off work and feeling depressed.An escape through pain meds at that time is very hard to turn down; and most don’t realize they will get hooked until it is too late and then the mind does distort things.
There is the good news in what Im hearing here. Your husband has beat the addiction before, and he can do it again. He will need to strengthen his efforts this time around, use what he has learned about this relapse to his benefit.

I know you are in a very delicate situation because of your health right now. Obviously I don’t know about the dynamics between you, but I would think that it would help both of you to get this all out in the open and face it as a family. Once my husband brought it all out in the open, it was a turning point for him. He then accepted that he needed professional help. For me, my decision at that time was to fully support his recovery, and encourage his efforts as best I could.

What my husband did was enter detox. He did a rapid detox, but whatever method selected, the point is just to eliminate the opiates from the body. After he finished detox, he had an injection of Vivitrol. (also known as Naltrexone). It was highly recommended by his detox facility, and also the Non-12 Step Rehab that he entered. My husband had basically no side effects from taking it, and he felt that it helped to eliminate cravings. Based on our experience I would highly recommend this drug. My husband went through an inpatient rehab as I stated. There were several other people there who were also using the Vivitrol medication, and the ones he has kept in contact with are still doing well.

Vivitrol can be dispensed several ways. There are monthly injections, slow release implants that last 3 months, daily tablets. My husband had an injection that was good for one month, and then he had another injection the next month. He went off it after that, but has remained clean for over 9 months at this point. (He continues to see a therapist once a week, also reads a lot, but not necessarily addiction type books anymore, because neither of us think it is wise to stay trapped in that mindset; our goal was always to get treatment, learn the tools to stay healthy, and then return to living life)..

As for resolving marital issues, past hurts. We started marriage counseling early in his recovery as it was suggested by his rehab center. For our relationship this was a true blessing. It also helped each of us individually. I would suggest this once he gets himself cleaned up, and when you are both at a point of willingness. (I think it has to be a mutual effort or it cant really work effectively).

When my husband was in rehab, I started working with a therapist and that was the greatest help to me.I also leaned on my family and friends; my parents were invaluable as there were times I was just exhausted from caring for my newborn son. I was stubborn at first and didn’t want to accept help, but just having my mom watch my son while I caught up on sleep was a real blessing. Lean on those that love you, they wont mind.

My therapist suggested a book that I have found very helpful. It basically teaches positive reinforcement techniques you can use when interacting with your husband. (Get Your Loved One Sober, Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening by Robert Meyers). The concept is supported by the Smart’ Self Help Recovery Program. (smart = self management and recovery training), and their accompanying family program. I will attach links to their site if you’re interested in checking it out. They have a forum, online meetings, and also suggested books and reading materials that your husband might be interested in.

Family & Friends - An Alternative to Al-Anon and Intervention
Self Help Substance Abuse &amp Addiction Recovery | SMART Recovery®

Also, regarding the Vivitrol. I know Wesley posted on your thread about his experience using it, there are also some other people on the Substance Abuse forum that use it as part of their program. So you might want to read some on that forum. If I can answer any other questions based on our experience, please feel free to send me a message.

Will be sending up a prayer for your family tonight.

Freedom1990

I couldn't. I had to walk away from my EXAH for my own sanity and safety. My oldest daughter was eight at the time (from a prior marriage) and much damage had been done to her in that environment.

Please take good care of yourself and that little one you are expecting. Continue to read, ask questions, or just vent here, dear!

Sending you hugs of support!

mrmc27

I'm sorry for what you are going through...it's especially hard while you are pregnant. Your story is very similar to mine. My husband likes opiates also and is a nurse and was stealing them from patients. I found this all out while I was pregnant. My husband went to treatment for 30 days after our son was born and is now receiving the vivitrol shots. Vivitrol works great for opiates and alcohol. Before receiving the shot the prescribing doctor will make sure that the patient has been sober for 3-7 days because otherwise it will send them into crazy withdrawls. I am think most physicians require you to have finished a medical detox or inpatient treatment before they will consider prescribing it. Good luck to you. This world of addiction is something I am still trying to grasp....the few things I can say are like everyone else, protect your children first and get money moved somewhere else second. He will find a way to get it if he has access