emmie0962

Hi. New to the forum.

I am in recovery myself, 6 years. Ive been divorced from my ex for almost 2, and we have a 17 year old daughter.

I was with my ex for 20 years. Alot of it in active addiction, some sober years,
always chaotic. So much sadness, despair and insanity. I don't know how I survived it at all.

I lost my mom to alcoholism when I was 16, Im now 44.

I go to AA and Alanon.

I am on good terms with my ex. I don't hate him, i know, I knew he loved me. But his active disease, coupled with my enabling and co dependant issues, came to a head a few years ago. I was so afraid of finding him dead. Every morning, I wondered if he would be alive.


Fast forward to now. I feel like Im still grieving. Im crying all the time. I miss him. I dont believe he is sober. He was my best friend. I did have good times with him. We both suffered greatly. I left to save myself and child.

I dont feel he has made any significant changes to warrant even an attempt at reconciliation. We both cried at xmas, he wanted to try again.

I am dating a healthy man now. Kind, considerate and very patient.

I just want to stop crying and worrying about him. I miss him. But I never want to go back to that insanity again.

He has a great heart, but very sick, and perhaps I still am also.

Just want the pain to stop and let go. and its so so hard.
Please help.

Thank you.

Bubovski

You have a good heart and that a good sign.The old alcoholism can make us very emotive and sometimes we confuse it with a more stable and productive love.
Enabling simply keeps the patient where they are with us joining them.
At times tough love (aviodance) is the only answer,despite those memories.

Jody675

maybe a therapist would help you sort out some of these feelings. you deserve happiness.

i have felt like you have felt, and it sucks. but i would guess it might be part of your codie side of you struggling to just let go of him, and let him live the life he chooses. you have chosen your path, let him have his.

dollydo

Letting go is difficult for we codies, we become so emeshed in the addicts issues, we lose our direction, our real purpose in life.

It's over, he is an adult, he has chosen his path in life, don't you think it is time that you walked down your own path?

What kind of a message are you sending to your child? Children learn by example, I am sure that you want your child to grow up to be strong and capable of handling life's hurdles, not wallowing in tears and regret.

If you are stuck, I would suggest that go into therapy. Also,take some time to read the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs, which can be accessed on this page, lots of helpful information at your fingertips.

Hope that you do what is necessary to get yourself mentally healthy. This is a new year, a new opportunity for greatness!

davidssister

i joined today, i want to stop drinking to have fun, it seems like it goes with everything, every holiday, every birthday, sick of it. i am also 44. wish you lots of luck, it's good you still care for him but it sounds like you know better than to go back.

Kindeyes

Welcome to the forum......you've come to a great place full of people with a great amount of collective wisdom.

I'm sorry that your heart is hurting. It is painful to watch someone we love shackled by this disease. Keep working the program you wish he would work......and take care of you. It really does work if you work it.

gentle hugs
ke

secondwind

Letting go is very hard.

I know for me - my own recovery from drugs causes me so much frustration when looking at Addicted Other. I did the work and struggled - why won't he.

Sometimes the grieving process gets stuck in a phase too long. In grief we cycle through the stages for the rest of our lives. Therapy could really help you in getting to the acceptance stage and staying there longer.

Carrie

The Belle Of The Ball

zoso77

Happy New Year, and welcome to the Board.

I believe that we carry people from our past. Some we carry very close to our heart. Others function as a cautionary reminder of what we don't want. It sounds like you've got a combination of both of those, and the trick is allowing yourself to love someone deeply while continuing with your own life. It isn't easy.

Without revealing too much, there is someone in my life that I love dearly and who I see pretty much on a daily basis. She and I had a moment in the sun. But it wasn't to be, and with the gift of hindsight, I'm thankful for that. But what I've learned how to do is carry her with me while putting her in a place where she and those memories can't injure me anymore. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you're supposed to be with them. In my case, this woman lacked some important values that I hold dear, and because of that, I keep her at arm's length. Doesn't mean I don't love her, though.

To get to the point where I am takes a lot of work and constant self evaluation. And if AA or Al Anon isn't filling all those gaps, then I would encourage you to try counseling and very carefully work through all of those conflicting emotions. Be patient with it, as it takes time and it takes a lot of the self evaluation you've had to do through AA and Al Anon.

Best,
ZoSo

emmie0962

I needed to wake up and see all the truth and experience from every one of you. I know if I just worked on myself and kept the focus on myself, I wouldn't be so miserable.

We were both very enmeshed with each other. We weathered the most darkest storms of addiction. We held on tightly to each other because we were all we had.

But this is not my life anymore.

I will do my daily reading, and head to work, knowing that I did the best I could.
I am very grateful for finding this board and will look up the stickies when I get home tonite.
Thank you to all for being here for me. I so appreciate your thoughts.

Emmie.

hamabi

Well thought out, you certainly don't want to inflict more damage on your family and that would be inevitable should you return to the ex. You'll hear bits of how life goes for him with the passage of time, and I would expect you'll feel enormously grateful at those times to have pulled away.