Lara

I haven't posted in quite a few months. Reached that point where I have nothing to say anymore. Life carries on. H (not my husband) is in deep relapse. It is text book. This relapse is so much worse than before. He's in a very dark place. The lies. The sick way of life. Its shocking to watch. Watch a man i once knew - a man I thought I knew - perhaps I never knew him at all. I am currently spending a month in his country so see him most days. For those of you wondering - we live on an island - so almost impossible not to bump into each other. He has tried to contact me - he has arrived at my house a few times. He has cried. He has begged for forgiveness. He promises to go into rehab again. I thank God for Sober Recovery and the many months of healing for me. For I see H objectively now. He no longer has an emotionally hold over me. So much has been revealed. So many lies over the years. But I no longer judge them or him. I just pray for his recovery and pray for peace in his life. I have finally, after over 10 years - let him go. I grew so tired of the internal debate of 'does he love me truly - are his words true - is he just been odd due to addiction blah blah blah - so many of us make an excuse for the other persons bad behaviour - or for the lack of love - because they are an addict. But I have now realised - that there is NO excuse - and no reason on God's earth to put up with an addicts crueltly, lies, complete and utter selfishness. I came across these words. And I think this applies to all relationships...

"If a woman is responsible for your smile, then you are responsible for her heart'.

Vale

Lara wrote:
>>>>>But I have now realised - that there is NO excuse - and no reason on God's earth to put up with an addicts crueltly, lies, complete and utter selfishness.<<<<<<<
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.......and there we have it! right at the finish line for 2012!!

[[[[[[[[[[ My nomination for 'wise quote of the year' 2012 ]]]]]]]]]]]]]

Jody675

good to hear Lara that you seem him now with open eyes. with freedom comes so much happiness. i wish you the best in 2013.

secondwind

It is good to hear that you have let him go.

For me it has been the hardest but most freeing experience i had (i just let Addicted Other go today). Gave myself back the power and control in my own life.

Happy New Year

CARRIE

The Belle Of The Ball

LoveMeNow

Great post Lara! Your recovery is shining bright!! Way to go!!

Kindeyes

It sounds like you have taken the filters off of your eyes. You see him how he is...not how you wish him to be. That's good healthy stuff.

Best wishes to you for a Happy, Healthy New Year!

gentle hugs
ke

Lara

Thank you KE. I wish I could say the reason I see him for how he truly is NOW is due to months of practising my recovery, therapy, self exploration etc. Yes, these past months have assisted me enormously - but what they assisted me with is being able to cope with just ONE event that I witnessed that H took part in - that he controlled and manipulated - that devastated two peoples lives - one day I might share it here on SR - if I feel it could assist others, but certainly not for the reason of 'sensationalism'. It was one event - occurred 3 nights ago - and I walked away forever. I think it could be termed 'hitting MY rockbottom'. Love to all of you here on SR and God Bless you all!

ISOHumility

For me, this point feels like the beginning of wisdom.

Glad to hear you're living in reality. I'm not quite yet, but I see its borders.

May 2013 be a peaceful year for you.

crazybabie

Lara, I was glad to see you had posted I have been thinking about you lately, you seem to be doing well Your a strong woman and as you can see you will be OK.

Happy New Year Lara.

pinchofsalt

What happened? My agf tried to hold up a convenience store and shot the owner. I read a later post "am I weak" and you still think about him. How do you get past this? Even with all the things she has done and ruin she has left I still am drawn to my agf, trying to make her right! How do I get past this? Surely if she loved me like she says she would do the right thing? I hate love as it makes no sense and why can't the ones we love see what we say? How do I get past this????

crazybabie

You start working on you try and get yourself to a meeting or at the least read Codependent No More your worth it.