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There Are Worse Things Than Being Alone

Old 12-31-2012, 08:53 PM
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There Are Worse Things Than Being Alone

Went out to dinner with my best friend, his wife, and his daughter this evening. New Years Eve for someone my age isn't about going to a party anymore. For me, it's about taking stock of how the year went.

The biggest takeaway for me is there are worse things than being alone, and by being alone, I mean not having a romantic partner. And that's being with an addict that's either using or is not in recovery.

The biggest difference between 2011 and 2012, i.e. with the addict and after the addict, is life after the addict was incredibly peaceful. There were no more arguments. No more attempts to manipulate me. No more suicide threats. All the drama that came with the addict left with the addict. And what I've learned is there's nothing wrong with not dating when you've got your life prioritized such that you don't have the emotional capital to spend.

So, I'm alone, but I'm not lonely. I'm very fortunate that I have very good friends and very good colleagues that have supported me through thick and thin. And this holiday season came and went like I hoped it would: without drama, pressure, and headaches.

At any rate...if there's anyone out there tonight that's feeling nostalgic about times gone by and looking to reconnect with a sick person, ask yourself what's really waiting for you on the other side of that door. Because what's likely waiting for you is the same stuff that caused you to put distance between you and them in the first place.

Be Safe, and Happy New Year...

ZoSo
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Old 12-31-2012, 08:58 PM
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Happy New Year ZoSo!! Your not alone, we are having a party on the other thread. Cmon, come join in the fun!!
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Old 12-31-2012, 09:01 PM
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Originally Posted by LoveMeNow View Post
Happy New Year ZoSo!! Your not alone, we are having a party on the other thread. Cmon, come join in the fun!!
Hey, LMN...

Thank you. I'm gonna turn in shortly. Happy New Year, and be safe.

ZoSo
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Old 12-31-2012, 09:08 PM
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Originally Posted by zoso77 View Post
Hey, LMN...

Thank you. I'm gonna turn in shortly. Happy New Year, and be safe.

ZoSo
Thank you, you too. Lets make 2013 a healthy year to remember!

P.S. We all better be invited to your wedding which is my prediction for you in 2103.
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Old 12-31-2012, 11:16 PM
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loved this delightful share. your serenity shines through. thank you.
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Old 01-01-2013, 01:55 AM
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ZoSo

I can only pray to have your outlook on life the end of next year. A year of hard work lays ahead.

I struggle with being alone. I have my kids. But after living here for over 10 years i do not have a single friend. I had some but lost contact the last four years due to shame and living with someone that never wanted to go out and socialize with me.

This is one area that i have to work on this year.

CARRIE

The Belle Of The Ball
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Old 01-01-2013, 03:48 AM
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Beautiful post! Thank you for sharing this. It's easier to be alone and grounded in your own life than it is to lose yourself in somebody else's. This seems like a very important learning experience, i'm happy for you

I always thought loneliness was the worst that life could ever come to. That any company is good company. Turns out I was wrong. Guess I didn't know how well off I really was all along while I was alone. Now I am grateful to have space to create my own atmosphere and not have to put all of my energy outside of me to help somebody else's. Just the beginning too.

happy new year zoso
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Old 01-01-2013, 05:10 AM
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" We all better be invited to your wedding which is my prediction for you in 2103. "

OMG,better him than me!

I too am alone, but not lonely. The most lonely time of my entire life was when I with an addict.
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Old 01-01-2013, 07:21 AM
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Thanks Z 😺 I also spent last night alone. I was ok with it. It's been 15 days that I kicked my AXBF out of my house. No contact has been made. Yes, I'm starting to reminisce on what good times we had these past 2,5 years...I'm mad at myself for thinking this is all my fault. When I know I wasn't happy. Im not too educated on recovering addicts. He had a major breakdown last October, has was shaking so bad and his blood pressure was very high. When we first met, he told me he was in rehab but he's good now because he takes suboxone. He would buy suboxone off the street. I didn't know what this stuff was but he told me he needed it so he wouldn't crave drugs. I did my research and understood..however, I didn't like him buying it off of the street. Anyway, I don't know the real answer why he was in the hospital for three days...he wouldn't really tell me. But I think it was DTs from alcohol, I heard a doctor say something to that nature. They sent him home on prescribed suboxone, antidepressants, anxiety meds, and blood pressure meds..wow. They told him he needs to make an appt. with a physiatrist. He made three appts., but never went. He promised me he would change after this breakdown. I was so mad that he didn't go. On top of all of those meds, he drinks everyday. I was living by myself even though he was here. It's makes me so sad, mad, hurt...etc...that He would rather compromise our relationship, then get help. I was so worried about his health. It can't be healthily taking all of those meds' plus drink. His behavior became unpredictable. I was worried all of the time about him driving. He has no license due to two DUIs. He promised me when we got out of the hospital he would get a lawyer and get his license back. In January, he rear ended a car and took off. He called me in hysterics, crying uncontrollably, I went to get him. His air bag went off, his truck wasn't drivable. Anyway, he was drinking when it happened. I was so MAD at him. He then again promised me he would quit. Nope. He didn't learn his lesson. I tried to talk to him over and over again how our relationship isn't working well...talk to him about my feelings...we would end up fighting, he would me so mad. Sorry so long...I'm ranting...but why do I feel now that if I worked at it in a different way, we'd be together? Maybe if I didn't yell or argue with him. But then I think a relationship shouldn't be soooo hard to work on. So I'm feeling a little sad right now, feel guilty. I miss his kids and his family. His oldest son texted me last night saying thanks for all I've done for him and his brothers, and he's sorry that his dad and I have our differences, and he wishes me well this year. I got that text this morning and started crying, started feeling like I made the wrong decision...I'm feeling emotionally weak. So I had to post to get some good advise from my friends here.

Happy New Year 🎉
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Old 01-01-2013, 07:50 AM
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Momzo,

I feel what you're saying about the family of your addicted loved one. I'm currently in a very difficult moment with my partner, who is a substance addict, and it might be that our relationship is disintegrating... but I recently spent a week with his family and I feel so confused because we're all very close. His brothers and I act like brothers together, his mom treats me like the eldest son (in a good way), but my partner isn't even in the picture at this point: he's in the streets, completely lost in that world.

I'm going to be the godfather of his sister's daughter, and yet it looks more and more as if he'll disappear from the lives of all of us. It's confusing to me, because I've never bonded in this way with anyone before (and this is apart from all the codependent stuff that I've had to work through -- I do believe that there's a base a real love that joins us)...

And, well, I have nothing to offer in terms of advice -- I just wanted to share with you that I understand what you're going through. Please take care.
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Old 01-01-2013, 08:08 AM
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Thanks...I just wrong along post and I lost it! The screen went blank, then poof, it's gone. Anyway, it sucks we're going through this. I kind of wish I didn't break it off with him because I miss his kids and family so much. I'm hurt and confused. I feel for you. Big hugs to you.
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Old 01-01-2013, 08:09 AM
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Lol...I meant to type, I lost my long post....this autocorrect thing is crazy
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Old 01-01-2013, 08:16 AM
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...but why do I feel now that if I worked at it in a different way, we'd be together?
And what way would that be? You capitulating 100%, giving him carte blanche to do whatever he wants? What do you get out of that?

I think one of the hardest things for any of us to accept is there are things that we have no control over. Why do you think that the first three steps are surrendering our will over to the care of a Higher Power? We're powerless over someone else's addiction. But we're not powerless when it comes to our behavior and our choices.

Shortly after Thanksgiving 2011, I think God gave me the spiritual equivalent of a 2x4 upside the head. My boiler died so my house didn't have any heat, and the necessary part for the fix was backordered. I had an allergic reaction to medication, so I ended up in the ER at 1 in the morning. And then as I was going home, my entire neighborhood had lost power due to a car accident. So I get home, lie down, and look up at the ceiling and said, OK. You win. You've got my attention. From that point on, I accepted that there were just some things I had no control over. That doesn't mean I like it. It just means that, simply, it is what it is.

Happy New Year.
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Old 01-01-2013, 08:53 AM
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Sometimes He is very loud and clear when he wants our attention.

CARRIE

The Belle Of The Ball
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Old 01-01-2013, 08:56 AM
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You are right...so right...I did the best I could. I made the right decision. I'll miss his family, but I have to take care of me. Thank you for your posts 😊 I read them often!
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Old 01-01-2013, 10:42 AM
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this is good stuff!!!! In NA/AA they talk about playing the tape "all the way through". I'm learning that that is a good idea on my end of it too.

Your serenity and recovery is shining through - thanks for sharing it with us...what a great way to start the year!
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Old 01-01-2013, 11:30 PM
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Glad you found peace in 2012! You're an inspiration to us all! I hope you have an even better 2013!!
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