Letting go of the past
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 5
Letting go of the past
I am new to this so bear with me.
I have been in a relationship for 11 years, we got married and that was a roller coaster. 2weeks before we got married he got arrested in another city and I had no idea he was even going to be there. I went through with the wedding and it just got worse from there. We got divorced and I moved away. About a year later he moved back home to where I was living and we started seeing each other again. Some how years later and much heartache I am still with him.
I'm having a hard time figuring out how to forgive myself for staying in this dysfunctional relationship. He is in recovery now and I'm so thankful for that and excited to see where that takes us but I still struggle letting go of the past pain. Which then confuses me even more because I chose to stay with him through it all why can't I just let go of it? I think the hardest part is how he just now telling me what all went on. It's hard to believe that I lived with him for years but never was around or exposed to his dug abuse. He was very good at covering it up and keeping it away from me.
I just don't know how to deal with talking about it and he wants to. Is it crazy of me not to want to hear about the drug abuse now. I don't want to just sweep it under the rug but I'm just tired of feeling pain from past events.
I have been in a relationship for 11 years, we got married and that was a roller coaster. 2weeks before we got married he got arrested in another city and I had no idea he was even going to be there. I went through with the wedding and it just got worse from there. We got divorced and I moved away. About a year later he moved back home to where I was living and we started seeing each other again. Some how years later and much heartache I am still with him.
I'm having a hard time figuring out how to forgive myself for staying in this dysfunctional relationship. He is in recovery now and I'm so thankful for that and excited to see where that takes us but I still struggle letting go of the past pain. Which then confuses me even more because I chose to stay with him through it all why can't I just let go of it? I think the hardest part is how he just now telling me what all went on. It's hard to believe that I lived with him for years but never was around or exposed to his dug abuse. He was very good at covering it up and keeping it away from me.
I just don't know how to deal with talking about it and he wants to. Is it crazy of me not to want to hear about the drug abuse now. I don't want to just sweep it under the rug but I'm just tired of feeling pain from past events.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Glasgow
Posts: 141
Like it or not the past is part of us we can either try and bury it, which I don't think I s healthy, or accept it and try to learn from it.
I hope his recovery goes well and that your past pain gets easier to dal with. I believe it will.
I hope his recovery goes well and that your past pain gets easier to dal with. I believe it will.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
If you'd rather not hear about the bad things he did, insist that he share with his sponsor or a recovery friend and leave you in peace.
Sometimes, after years of wishing they would get clean and they finally do, they are still not the person we want to share our lives with. Because they get clean does not guarantee a "happy ever after".
Maybe take some time to think about yourself, your dreams and what you want out of life, and then decide if you can have all that while remaining with him. Some do live happily ever after, some just exchange one set of problems with another.
I hope the year ahead will be filled with many blessings for you and that life will lead you to a better place of less worry and more joy.
Hugs
Sometimes, after years of wishing they would get clean and they finally do, they are still not the person we want to share our lives with. Because they get clean does not guarantee a "happy ever after".
Maybe take some time to think about yourself, your dreams and what you want out of life, and then decide if you can have all that while remaining with him. Some do live happily ever after, some just exchange one set of problems with another.
I hope the year ahead will be filled with many blessings for you and that life will lead you to a better place of less worry and more joy.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 11
New strength
over my 12 year relationship i have had many of the talks with my AW that usually came at a point when i was done and i believe she new it. i felt at the time that talking to me about it was what i wanted. i was a cup that had room to take in whatever i believed she would tell me, and as painful as it was i was receptive and was willing to work through it, and we did.
recently we had another episode, only this time i didnt want to hear it. i believe my cup was so full that it was overflowing and i knew i wouldnt be receptive. i let her know and i think it confused her but she understood.
it brings me back to what im learning, and that is YOU come first. i feel that your persons desire to share is good for him but if you dont want to hear it i like Ann's advice that he share with "his sponsor or a recovery friend".
thankyou for sharing, you are not alone.
"depend on, want, and be possessive of nothing, live in the now, focus on yourself."
over my 12 year relationship i have had many of the talks with my AW that usually came at a point when i was done and i believe she new it. i felt at the time that talking to me about it was what i wanted. i was a cup that had room to take in whatever i believed she would tell me, and as painful as it was i was receptive and was willing to work through it, and we did.
recently we had another episode, only this time i didnt want to hear it. i believe my cup was so full that it was overflowing and i knew i wouldnt be receptive. i let her know and i think it confused her but she understood.
it brings me back to what im learning, and that is YOU come first. i feel that your persons desire to share is good for him but if you dont want to hear it i like Ann's advice that he share with "his sponsor or a recovery friend".
thankyou for sharing, you are not alone.
"depend on, want, and be possessive of nothing, live in the now, focus on yourself."
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR.......there are so many people here with so much experience with addiction and so many viewpoints......there is a lot of collective wisdom here.
Letting go of the past can be a challenge.....it's part of the "things we can't control" category. We cant' change the past. When I break things down into the two categories of "within my control" and "not within my control" it makes it much easier for me to deal with them.
I can't change the past but I CAN control how I feel about it. I can decide whether I want to continue to allow those past events to hurt me.
I spent the morning watching videos of the Dalai Lama. He wise words, gentle voice, and infectious laugh always seem to soothe me. One of the things he talked about in one of the videos I watched is how we can become what we "think". In other words, if we think only of pain and suffering, we will be imprisoned in our our minds with pain and suffering.
I choose not to live in pain in suffering now but that has not always been the case. I spent the vast majority of my life feeling more pain than joy, more bad attitude than gratitude. Living in the unchangeable past or the uncertainty of the future instead of mindfully staying in my "now". In so many ways, it was my choice to do so--I had no idea that there was any other way. It has been a bad habit to break for me and I find myself slipping into that mindset easily if I don't watch myself.
Hon, you can't change the past so spending too much time dwelling on it has no purpose for either of you. If your loved one needs to talk about his past, it's ok to let him know that you are trying to move beyond it and ask him if could please share with someone who isn't as intimately involved. You are trying to let those wounds heal and it doesn't do any good to pull off the scab before it's ready.....you'll simply bleed again.
gentle hugs
ke
Letting go of the past can be a challenge.....it's part of the "things we can't control" category. We cant' change the past. When I break things down into the two categories of "within my control" and "not within my control" it makes it much easier for me to deal with them.
I can't change the past but I CAN control how I feel about it. I can decide whether I want to continue to allow those past events to hurt me.
I spent the morning watching videos of the Dalai Lama. He wise words, gentle voice, and infectious laugh always seem to soothe me. One of the things he talked about in one of the videos I watched is how we can become what we "think". In other words, if we think only of pain and suffering, we will be imprisoned in our our minds with pain and suffering.
I choose not to live in pain in suffering now but that has not always been the case. I spent the vast majority of my life feeling more pain than joy, more bad attitude than gratitude. Living in the unchangeable past or the uncertainty of the future instead of mindfully staying in my "now". In so many ways, it was my choice to do so--I had no idea that there was any other way. It has been a bad habit to break for me and I find myself slipping into that mindset easily if I don't watch myself.
Hon, you can't change the past so spending too much time dwelling on it has no purpose for either of you. If your loved one needs to talk about his past, it's ok to let him know that you are trying to move beyond it and ask him if could please share with someone who isn't as intimately involved. You are trying to let those wounds heal and it doesn't do any good to pull off the scab before it's ready.....you'll simply bleed again.
gentle hugs
ke
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