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Old 12-31-2012, 09:24 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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B&B,

FOR ME I WANT WHAT I WANTED! IT WAS NOT UNTIL JUST RECENTLY THAT I SURRENDERED TO HIS WILL AND NOT MINE! MY WILL WANTS THE MAN I FELL IN LOVE WITH, THE FATHER OF MY KIDS! HIS WILL IS FOR ME AND OUR KIDS TO BE SAFE, HEALTHY AND LIVING IN LOVE, HONESTY, PEACE AND FOR HIM TO BE CLEAN! WE HAVE CHOICES AND HAVE THE HUMANNESS TO LEARN AND GROW. MISTAKES ARE PART OF THIS PROCESS! WE DON'T GET IT RIGHT ALL THE TIME! I KNOW I DON'T. PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION!

PICK UP WHERE YOU LEFT OFF, FORGIVE YOURSELF FOR BEING HUMAN! YOU ARE NOT A ROBOT! YOU HAVE REAL FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS, WEAKNESS AND STRENGTHS! ITS OKAY! YOUR GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS! THIS TO SHALL PASS! STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP FOR NOT BEING PERFECT! EVERYDAY IS ANOTHER DAY TO TAKE CARE OF US! EVERYDAY IS ANOTHER DAY TO ASK FOR HIS WILL FOR OUR LIFES AND THE POWER TO CARRY THAT OUT!

NO ONE CAN TELL YOU WHAT'S RIGHT FOR YOU! YOU HAVE TO FIGURE THAT OUT WITH YOUR GOD OF YOUR UNDERSTANDING! YOU TRIPPED/FELL, SO STAND BACK UP AND LOOK FORWARD AND GO IN THE DIRECTION THAT YOU THINK IS FOR YOU! IF WE ARE WALKING DOWN A STREET AND FALL DO WE GET MAD AT OURSELF? DO WE LAY THERE? NO WE GET UP AND BE MINDFUL OF THAT PART OF THE STREET WHERE WE FELL NOT TO WALK ON IT AGAIN! IF WE ARE DARING AND IN DENIAL WE MAY WALK THERE AGAIN AND IF WE FALL AGAIN WELLLLL OUR CHOICE. ADVENTUALLY WE WILL GET TIRED OF FALLING AND HURTING OURSELF. AND REALIZE NO MATTER HOW WE WISH THAT STREET WAS SAFE ITS NOT! LETTING GO OF OUR CONTROL/POWERLESSNESS! WE CAN'T WISH THE STREET SAFEor NOT GETTING HURT IF WE WALK ON IT! UNTIL THE STREET IS FIXED, CONSTRUCTION DONE WE LEARN TO STAY OFF IT!

DEALING WITH ACTIVE ADDICTS NO MATTER HOW MUCH WE CARE AND LOVE THEM THEY ARE NOT EVER GOING TO BE ABLE TO GIVE US WHAT WE WANT AND NEED! IT IS HARD AND SAD AND LONELY TO LOVE SOMEONE AND IN OUR HEARTS WE REMEMBER THEM AS THEY ONCE WERE! REALITY IS THEY ARE SOMEONE ELSE NOW! UNTIL THEY CHANGE/RECOVER GET CLEAN AND WORK ON THEM WE ARE IN FOR NOTHING BUT CRUMBS, BEING USED AND MANIPULATED! WE CAN'T BE MAD AT THEM THEY ARE DOING WHAT ACTIVE ADDICTS DO! THEY ARE THE UNSAFE STREET!

ITS UP TO YOU AS YOU KNOW HOW TO FIGURE OUT A DIFFERENT ROUTE FOR YOUR JOURNEY! A SAFER ROUTE! TAKE A BREATH A COUPLE, AND ASK GOD TO SHOW YOU! HE WILL AND BE GOOD TO YOURSELF! YOU SAID YOU MADE A MISTAKE OKAY AND...... THAT'S PART OF LIFE! NOW FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO FOR YOU NOT TO MAKE IT AGAIN!

ITS AWKWARD DOING THINGS THAT GO AGAINST WHAT'S IN OUR HEARTS. OUR HEADS KNOW BETTER BUT OUR HEARTS CAN DOMINATE OUR THINKING! WE HAVE TO GET THEM BOTH ON THE SAME PAGE! BALANCE! ONLY GOD CAN DO THAT FOR ME! MY HEART STILL LOVES MY EX BUT IT DOES NOT RULE ME! IT TOOK YEARS FOR ME TO GET THAT! CAUSE I WANTED WHAT I WANTED MY WILL/HIM! STILL DO BUT NOW I HAVE THE COURAGE TO DO WHAT'S RIGHT EVEN IF I DON'T LIKE IT! ITS A STRUGGLE SOMETIMES! BUT I TAKE IT EASY AND ONE DAY AT A TIME!
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Old 12-31-2012, 10:58 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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You needed another reminder. No big deal. What matters is what you do going forward.
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Old 12-31-2012, 11:03 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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I continued to make the same mistake over and over for 11 long miserable years after I completed rehab for my addictions.

Don't beat yourself up, dear. I am a very slow learner. You are already far ahead of where I was at that point in life.

Sending you hugs of support!
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Old 12-31-2012, 12:03 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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I guess I have really been beating myself up over all of this and that is a huge obstacle to recovery. I realize that others feel the same here at different points throughout recovery and I just thought I had become immune to him. I guess we can all slip and fall at any time really. I am naturally vulnerable and sensitive so getting involved with someone like him is bound to bring out my weaknesses. Giving love to a black hole- I think I have done a lot of that over the years.

I am also a perfectionist. Recovering perfectionist that is. It's how I got through life. As a perfectionist both personally and professionally. And he was the opposite. Maybe his reckless nature is what attracted me. It was different. He brought out a side of me I did not know existed and/or denied. I went through life with such control and with him I gave it all up.

But he eventually could not pretend anymore. And now he really can't hide who he is. That is making it easier to get over the fantasy. I feel he takes pleasure in putting me on a pedestal and watching me fall down usually through some form of cruelty, humiliation, and abandonment. I know, sounds like a real charmer huh? And in turn, dare I say for the sake of healing, that maybe I started to take pleasure in the cycle as well. Yep, I did to be perfectly honest. This is how I learned to love.

I am amazed how quickly he can go from hot to cold and to the extreme. This is what addicts do. I think he does not care anymore because he has been rewarded for this kind of behavior in the past. I am not sure why I place so much weight on what he thinks of me. Maybe I have lost too much self-respect in the process of being beaten down and continually beating myself up. I literally have friends telling me that I can have anything I want in life and that I am this and that. People tell me you can have any man you want and why waste your time on him.

That all sounds wonderful but I don't think that is what this is about. I think this is about me and my cycle and its not about him. I am attracted to a jerk, its that simple. I don't mean to be mean and I could say a lot worse. I did not say that I love him or that I am in love with him. I think that is a disservice to the reality. Its addiction. Its codependency. Its chemistry. Its parasitic. Its me happily offering myself to a blood sucking vampire repeatedly and willingly. I know I should not take his inventory but even on a practical level, what he does for a living, who he is involved with, and his lifestyle could put my health, safety, livelihood, sanity, serenity and future in jeopardy. The good moments just have to stop being worth all of the pain and heartbreak. I gotta stop punishing myself. It either stops or I lose myself again.

Happy New Years Eve. I pray 2013 brings much to be celebrated. We all deserve it.
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Old 12-31-2012, 12:47 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Oh god. Now all of my friends who are coupled up bailed on New Years plans. And all of my other friends are out of town. My only option now is to go out by myself or go hang out at my parents house by myself. I think they have made movies about this- ha ha. Maybe I should just go out and find some live music somewhere. Any suggestions? Trying to avoid another crash and burn here. There's gotta be something I can do to avoid being alone tonight. Silly I know but I feel I am really being tested right now and this is what happened on Christmas. I would go volunteer to work at the hospital but its too late for that and I just spent the last two years of my life doing charity work. Maybe I am not the only one in this situation so we can all help each other out with ideas.
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Old 12-31-2012, 01:04 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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I opted for a bunch of redbox movies, snacks (including popcorn) and a warm blanket to cover up on the sofa with my zoo crew!
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Old 12-31-2012, 01:05 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Can you get to an Al-anon meeting?

Yup, I'm serious. You will not be alone. In fact, you will be with people who understand EXACTLY what you're going through.

Why the hell not? What have you got to lose but the heartache?

Go for it!
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Old 12-31-2012, 04:27 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Thanks! I just got back from a noon meeting and it helped. I think the punishment I was giving myself does not match the crime. I think it was a lesson in that I need to be more careful with my health and my life. I have put myself too close to a dangerous situation and my brain just needs to catch up with that reality. My heart is too nice.
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Old 12-31-2012, 04:38 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Hey blackandblue, Happy New Year

I posted about a book I'm reading.

Women who love pscychpaths

lol nice title

it has helped me a lot.

Just passing it along.
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Old 12-31-2012, 09:11 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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I am inspired by your honesty! I too RELAPSED. I had been doing so well with NC, but he started texting me telling me how much he missed me, and howhe wanted to start fresh with me. He begged for me to take him back. I started responding, and eventually we hung out for a little while. After we hung out, he was more adamant that he wanted to work things out. I started to get sucked in again. We spent a night together and it literally felt like old times. Subsequently, he began to pull away. It was like DE JAVU!

I don't know why I fell for his BS AGAIN. How many times do I have to get hurt before I stop playing with fire? Although I was disappointed that I chose to believe him, I did set some pretty clear boundaries. He wanted to move back in with me and pick up where we left off, but I resisted the urge to dive back in head first. I told him no, and I explained exactly why he couldn't move back in. Even though I wanted to let him come back, I successfully resisted that urge. While I broke my NC, and emotionally invested in him again, I did not allow him to infiltrate my home which has become my safe haven.

We are all human beings and we all make mistakes. Thankfully, my mistake didn't set me that far back. Back to square one, onward and upward.

Blackandblue, take comfort in knowing you are NOT ALONE! Onward and Upward!
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Old 12-31-2012, 11:07 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by blackandblue View Post
God I am so ashamed.
Hey BlackandBlue.... you are brave to post. Don't feel shame. Shame is not a Godly emotion. You are a human being. Just keep going. Pick yourself up. One foot in front of the other. Pray for strength to keep going and focus on positive, healthy aspects of your life. Don't judge yourself so harshly - self judgement and self loathing and feelings of shame are far more dangerous emotions than what another can inflict on you. Be gentle with yourself. Go look in the mirror. That person looking back at you was created by a kind, loving God. Love that person back.
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Old 01-01-2013, 12:06 PM
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MLH- that sounds exactly like my story. He lays it on thick and he is so believable. I think he believes himself and then he can't follow through for longer than 48 hours. The truth is, I don't know what happened. But I do know that this is just how he is. It's just left me with a not so good feeling. More sad than anything.
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Old 01-03-2013, 02:21 PM
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It's weird, the last time I broke my NC I felt sad, but this time I feel ... strangely content. While I am hurt that he didn't follow through with his promises, I wasn't caught off guard. Before I started talking to him again, I acknowledged the real possibility that he wouldn't make good on his promises. Even though I opened the lines of communication, I didn't get my hopes up. As suggested on SR, I focused on his ACTIONS. It's ironic, while addicts are master manipulators, their actions always give them away.

It's become clear to me that his plans for recovery were just that. He made no attempt to make recovery a reality. Honestly, I feel relieved. He may not have changed, but I definitely have. I feel like the things I have learned in therapy and on SR helped me protect myself. That's progress, and while I did engage, I didn't allow myself to get sucked back into his chaos. I understand feeling ashamed, but once I realized how much I've grown, the shame dissipated and transformed into pride.

I honestly think it takes an immense amount of courage to admit your minor relapse. It inspired and comforted me, and prompted me to admit my relapse. It's easy to beat yourself up for a mistake, but IMO mistakes are just opportunities to learn and grow.
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Old 01-04-2013, 12:48 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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Thanks MLH- seeing him again makes me realize that I could possibly do this as long as I want to and only so long as I choose to. I think what you said is so important about paying attention to his actions as well to my reactions. And to honestly gain clarity as to what I want out of life. The hard and fast truth would be to ask myself if I met him today would I want him in my life. Even without the addiction and even without the mental health issues. What has he brought to my life? I realize I keep going back to work out some painful part of this relationship or past relationships around betrayal and abandonment. I have healed so much as a result of this relationship. Am I done learning from this one? Going to try and go easier on myself and also keep the focus on me and not him. Starting therapy again today. I am so thankful for my amazing support system and I am taking care of me first.
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Old 01-04-2013, 01:36 PM
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Hi B&B. My name is Sungrl and I have been letting an active alcoholic live in my head for a long time as well. I have been no contact more times then I can count in the past 2+ years. know what?? I am on day one again after an episode yesterday when the A came home at 5:30 in the afternoon plastered. He could barely walk. This is after 3 months in a sober house and countless promises to "stop the madness" that he made to me. He was on his last day of vacation before going back to work. He wanted validation that he did not spend his entire week off at the bars. Truth be told he did not. He drank every single damn day at home though. We dont live together anymore. I stopped by after work to help him with a phone issue he was having and he was not home, I knew what he was up too beacuse he did not contact me all day. That is the game we play. We spend all the time in the world together and then he will disappear for a day, sometimes two. I know he is on a bender and he is sneaky and lies up the wazoo. Point being been there done that. I feel ashamed of myself as well cause I am SOOOOO much better then that. I am back to day 1 and each time the detaching gets easier. I dont cry at all anymore. I don't get angry. My restraint yesterday was incredible. I just left. I am proud and I am strting over, I dont know how long I will go this time and I know that is pathetic. Im ok and you will be too. So lets hear it for day 1 again hope this time we get it right
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Old 01-09-2013, 12:46 AM
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Thanks Sungrl- sounds like the same roller coaster I have been on. I can't believe I volunteered for the same ride over and over again. I am finally getting motion sickness from all of the ups and down, twists and turns, and feelings of not knowing what's around the bend. I have come to admit that he is still an active addict and always has been since I have known him. He simply is in no way shape or form in any position to have a relationship and I have always enabled him in some way shape or form. And yet I know as soon as he realizes that I am out of the picture for good, he will look for the next woman to take care of him. It's hard not to take everything personally but maybe that's my lesson in life. To let go of the rope and trust that HP will take over from here.
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