Not sure if I did the right thing...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Ware
Posts: 22
Not sure if I did the right thing...
A bit of history first:
As I've mentioned in my post about my brother, my mother (and me, just not quite as bad, and learning) is an enabler/codie. There is a young man in town that my mother has known since he was a boy (she was friends with his dad, who is now deceased, as is his mom) - he's now in his early 20's. He tends to show up on her doorstep when he needs money (for drugs, imo). He is a known crack/meth user, and has been in trouble with the law several times.
Back in October, my mothers brand new laptop was stolen from her dining room - she wasn't home at the time, but the door was unlocked to the house. Everyone, including the police, and this young man's half sister, knew it was him that did it - he knew my mom rarely locked her door (that has changed since this, I make sure of it).
No one had proof, of course, but I told my mom she needed to not talk to him anymore if he showed up, and definitely not to give him any more money.
Fast forward to 2 weeks ago - I had my moms car, but my mom was home - she saw this young man coming up her driveway and on to her porch. She met him at the door and told him to leave. He denied taking the laptop, but left without saying much else. I think he showed up because he didn't see my moms car in the yard and thought he'd go in for round 2 (why else would he go up to the porch when her car wasn't there).
Fast forward again to a week ago. He showed up again, crying - saying he really didn't steal the laptop, and that my brother stole it (see "I am so lost"), but that he (the young man) tried to talk my brother out of doing it, and tried to convince him to bring it back to my mom. My mom bought it hook line and sinker - I was unavailable at the time by phone (was at a docs appt with my dad), she wound up giving him $20.
When she told me this, something didn't sit right, so I went back through my emails, and realized that my brother was in a mental health respite 40 miles away the day the laptop was stolen. He had been there a total of 7 days, I didn't pick him up till 3 days after the laptop was stolen. So this young man lied through his teeth. My mom felt like a fool for believing him and giving him money.
Last night, my mom called me, she was very upset. She said the young man was at her door again, but wasn't asking for money, but a ride to an emergency mental health clinic at the hospital in the next town. I told her not to even entertain it, I was pretty P.O.'d at this kid. She put me on the phone with him (he was on the porch, she didn't let him in), and I told him to stay away from my mother, and that if he needed help, to call the crisis line, and they will pick him up from wherever he was. He sounded dejected but I didn't give in. My mom wrote the number down for him and he left (on foot).
I have been thinking about it all night and morning long, wondering if I did the right thing - I keep thinking if it was my brother that went to someone for help getting to a mental health clinic, how would I feel if they tossed him out the way I essentially did. I don't really know this kid - but this is weighing on me. I thought about calling the crisis line to make sure he called and got the help he was looking for. I am worried that he may have hurt himself because of the things I said to him (I told him he was a liar and needed to get off my mothers property and never come back). I don't know where he lives, neither does my mom - last she knew, he was couch surfing in town. Was I too harsh? Should I try to follow up and make sure he is ok? Or should I let it go and not let it bother me.
As I've mentioned in my post about my brother, my mother (and me, just not quite as bad, and learning) is an enabler/codie. There is a young man in town that my mother has known since he was a boy (she was friends with his dad, who is now deceased, as is his mom) - he's now in his early 20's. He tends to show up on her doorstep when he needs money (for drugs, imo). He is a known crack/meth user, and has been in trouble with the law several times.
Back in October, my mothers brand new laptop was stolen from her dining room - she wasn't home at the time, but the door was unlocked to the house. Everyone, including the police, and this young man's half sister, knew it was him that did it - he knew my mom rarely locked her door (that has changed since this, I make sure of it).
No one had proof, of course, but I told my mom she needed to not talk to him anymore if he showed up, and definitely not to give him any more money.
Fast forward to 2 weeks ago - I had my moms car, but my mom was home - she saw this young man coming up her driveway and on to her porch. She met him at the door and told him to leave. He denied taking the laptop, but left without saying much else. I think he showed up because he didn't see my moms car in the yard and thought he'd go in for round 2 (why else would he go up to the porch when her car wasn't there).
Fast forward again to a week ago. He showed up again, crying - saying he really didn't steal the laptop, and that my brother stole it (see "I am so lost"), but that he (the young man) tried to talk my brother out of doing it, and tried to convince him to bring it back to my mom. My mom bought it hook line and sinker - I was unavailable at the time by phone (was at a docs appt with my dad), she wound up giving him $20.
When she told me this, something didn't sit right, so I went back through my emails, and realized that my brother was in a mental health respite 40 miles away the day the laptop was stolen. He had been there a total of 7 days, I didn't pick him up till 3 days after the laptop was stolen. So this young man lied through his teeth. My mom felt like a fool for believing him and giving him money.
Last night, my mom called me, she was very upset. She said the young man was at her door again, but wasn't asking for money, but a ride to an emergency mental health clinic at the hospital in the next town. I told her not to even entertain it, I was pretty P.O.'d at this kid. She put me on the phone with him (he was on the porch, she didn't let him in), and I told him to stay away from my mother, and that if he needed help, to call the crisis line, and they will pick him up from wherever he was. He sounded dejected but I didn't give in. My mom wrote the number down for him and he left (on foot).
I have been thinking about it all night and morning long, wondering if I did the right thing - I keep thinking if it was my brother that went to someone for help getting to a mental health clinic, how would I feel if they tossed him out the way I essentially did. I don't really know this kid - but this is weighing on me. I thought about calling the crisis line to make sure he called and got the help he was looking for. I am worried that he may have hurt himself because of the things I said to him (I told him he was a liar and needed to get off my mothers property and never come back). I don't know where he lives, neither does my mom - last she knew, he was couch surfing in town. Was I too harsh? Should I try to follow up and make sure he is ok? Or should I let it go and not let it bother me.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 83
You did the right thing. Kudos to you for staying strong. He only needs to ask for help at any homeless shelter, police or fire station, church, etc. you did a good job of protecting your mom from his manipulation. I understand your feeling guilty about whatever did happen to him, but it is his issue, not yours.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Let it go. It's done. You can't change it.
He either got the help he needed or he didn't. Either way, you aren't in control of the situation. If he was up to no good (which is possible), you may have prevented a terrible tragedy involving your mother. You'll never know.
gentle hugs
ke
He either got the help he needed or he didn't. Either way, you aren't in control of the situation. If he was up to no good (which is possible), you may have prevented a terrible tragedy involving your mother. You'll never know.
gentle hugs
ke
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
You did the right thing...stop trying to save the world...you are not that powerful. If he returns, have your mother call the police, and if it continues get a restraining order against him.
Are you going to Naranon meetings? Have you read Codependent No More? What about the stickeys and cynical one's blogs.
Please take some time to work on you, codependency can ruin one's life.
Are you going to Naranon meetings? Have you read Codependent No More? What about the stickeys and cynical one's blogs.
Please take some time to work on you, codependency can ruin one's life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Ware
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by dollydo 
You did the right thing...stop trying to save the world...you are not that powerful. If he returns, have your mother call the police, and if it continues get a restraining order against him.
Are you going to Naranon meetings? Have you read Codependent No More? What about the stickeys and cynical one's blogs.
Please take some time to work on you, codependency can ruin one's life.
Are you going to Naranon meetings? Have you read Codependent No More? What about the stickeys and cynical one's blogs.
Please take some time to work on you, codependency can ruin one's life.
Between taking care of my dad, helping my mom as much as possible (she is caretaker for 3 developmentally disabled adults that have lived with her for over 20 years, but as she gets older, she needs more help with them), dealing with my AB, and trying to get quality time with my husband through all of the above, when I get in bed at night (we usually come up and watch TV from bed around 7pm), I've been passing out within minutes.
Add to that, I am disabled (since 2007) with an incurable skin condition that saps my energy and causes a great deal of pain. Of course, one of my brothers favorite lines to throw at me when he's in a mood is "You're an addict, you're on morphine". I am on prescribed morphine/mscontin that I never run out of early, have never bought on the streets and usually forget to take the instant release until I can't handle the pain anymore, or my stomach starts acting up (I am physically addicted - no doubt, been on it since 2007) because I didn't take my MSContin on time. I came off it for nearly a year at one point because I hate taking it, but the pain was so bad I didn't have a life - was having to stay in bed 20+ hours a day, so I relented and went back on it.
One of my new years resolutions is to attend alanon or naranon, regardless of how far it is (it's times like these I miss living in the city). I have thought about checking out some of the online meetings as well - does anyone here have any experience with them? I attended AA many years ago for a while with a girl friend of mine that is an alcoholic, but I've only been to one alanon meeting in person, and that was also several years ago.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
We have a meeting in the chat room here on Wednesday nights at 9:00 Eastern time. It's not the same as face-to-face meetings, of course, but it's still great to have a safe place to talk online in real-time about things with a group of people that understand exactly what you're going through. I'll PM you the password.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Maybe you can take just a few minutes and order the books online? The meetings we have here are helpful is there a Families Anonymous in your area? You really need to find a way to take care of yourself your taking care of everyone and when I try and care for everyone and neglect me well it wears me down and I have nothing to give anyone.
As, far as the boy you did what you felt was best and like the others said he had other ways of getting help I would not want my mom driving him anywhere.
As, far as the boy you did what you felt was best and like the others said he had other ways of getting help I would not want my mom driving him anywhere.
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